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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lunch with ex

105 replies

Perfectlymarvellous · 11/08/2020 08:50

Name change

Last night my partner got visibly uncomfortable at a text. Apparently his parents have invited his ex wife and their two children out for lunch tomorrow (no particular reason, just the eat out deal) and his ex wife then followed it up asking him to take time away from work to go with them. Note the kids will be staying with us that evening anyway so he will spend time with them regardless.

He said to me 'I don't know what to reply as you are not going to be happy if I go'. I said 'no, not overly, your mum invited her, there is no reason for you to go along.' and I left it at that.

He sees his kids 4 nights a week and his parents a few times a week, so spending this lunch time with them just seems unnecessary and for the benefit of his ex, who would very happily have people assume they are still together. She was hospitalised earlier this year after suicidal thoughts and her therapist suggested she needed to avoid him as much as possible as it made her feel and act so much worse so I also feel he should respect that and not go along playing husband which will only make her feel heartbroken later. Also, no, I do not see the need for them to go together. I won't try to stop him but I know I am being seen as the bad one. So, thoughts please?

OP posts:
Original poster
Perfectlymarvellous · 11/08/2020 14:27

monkeymonkey2010 they are not. He would be picking them up after work. This would be during his working day.

OP posts:
MumsyMumIAmNot · 11/08/2020 14:28

YANBU OP

TacosTuesday · 11/08/2020 14:35

Well the ex invited him, but the DH wants to go. The latter is a bigger issue than the former!

diddl · 11/08/2020 14:45

Can't imagine why he just doesn't say that he has to work.

He should have made that decision without dragging Op into it at all imo.

So he's seeing his kids tomorrow evening, sees his parents regularly, so what's the sulk about-wanting to see his ex??

It all sounds very hard work, OP.

Is he worth it?

FlasknTea · 11/08/2020 15:19

I'd let them sort it between themselves. It all boils down to trust and if you trust him, let HIM sort out his parents and his ex and enjoy some "you time".
I would not waste my energy on their drama tbh. Tell him to go and have a nice time! Then do something for you.
If you don't trust him, that's another story ...

FlasknTea · 11/08/2020 15:23

Having re-read the thread, I genuinely don't understand why your DH having lunch with his ex, their kids and his parents is a problem for you? What am I missing?

FrootTheLoot · 11/08/2020 15:53

@FlasknTea

Having re-read the thread, I genuinely don't understand why your DH having lunch with his ex, their kids and his parents is a problem for you? What am I missing?
Are you sure you've read the thread?

his ex, who would very happily have people assume they are still together

her therapist suggested she needed to avoid him as much as possible as it made her feel and act so much worse

She said she needed to stay upstairs for drop offs and pick ups as seeing him was upsetting her further and her therapist had told her to distance

she does still want him on a string

I will then get dsd7 saying things like 'you upset my mummy by blah and she can't do blah because you don't like it and mummy loves daddy and you won't let them love each other'

it is hard when his ex is clearly saying a lot of things to them she shouldn't

I am not invited, I would like to in the future if I ever feel like there no hostility, but that is not now

none of the situation with them is normal? His little girl is already convinced her mummy and daddy would be happily together if I did one

This isn't just a friendly gesture between two parents in front of kids who know the score

To name just a few!

Why would anyone want to confuse these kids any further?! I don't buy this whole 'its great for the kids' business. No it isn't! Not when they are already confused and thinking there is a chance they will get back together.

FlasknTea · 11/08/2020 16:21

Ooh, sounds messed up to be honest.
I stand by my first response - that is to let the husband take ownership of the situation. It sounded at first as if he was hiding it because he felt that OP would not like it, so suspicious behaviour on his part. I'd call him out on it - "are you happy about it?" for example. Sounds like he's trying to offload his lack of courage on to OP. I'd leave them to it. Its their drama. However if the husband asked for help and support, OK but it sounds like he's asking for permission. She's not his therapist and she's not the ex's therapist either! Why would she get involved in the fact that the ex is not supposed to see him? That's the ex's problem. If the OP trusts her husband, she'll let him deal with it. If she doesn't trust him, that's a different issue that she needs to work out with him on a couple basis.

Original poster
Perfectlymarvellous · 11/08/2020 18:34

It isn't about trusting him though! It is the enslaught of drama from the ex and then the children that will follow.

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 11/08/2020 18:41

So does he want to go?

Original poster
Perfectlymarvellous · 11/08/2020 18:58

Well he is huffy that I honestly replied that no, I don't think it is even slightly a good idea and is stropping around acting a poor torn man, so I would guess so.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 11/08/2020 19:28

Why does he want to go?

Situation sounds awful and everything you say about her makes her sound a pain.

Why wouldn't he just say "I'm busy"

Original poster
Perfectlymarvellous · 11/08/2020 19:47

She pulls the coparenting card. Says it is best for the children. Which I completely agree with, if that were remotely the agenda or the situation. Which it is SO far from.

OP posts:
Feralkidsatthecampsite · 11/08/2020 19:53

Their relationship isn't one of Co parenting.
She is a manipulative madam.

GabriellaMontez · 11/08/2020 19:58

I understand. And I know some people would agree.

Perhaps in some families it would be a positive thing. For example if you had the sort of relationships where you were also invited. Everyone just gets along. Can you remind him that just isn't what you have here.

The dynamic you describe is toxic.

Wouldn't the best thing be for the kids to be honest? (In an age appropriate way) . Sounds like shes using coparenting as a stick to beat him with.

slipperywhensparticus · 11/08/2020 21:25

You shouldn't have been drawn into giving a yes or no response

The proper thing to say is

"You could but I would worry about the severe damage it would do to her mental health if she has a crisis it will badly effect the children"

And leave it at that no "yes go for it" no saying "no" either

starskey80 · 11/08/2020 22:31

Let him sulk, he asked your opinion and you gave it.

He knows it would be wrong for the kids to go, but he doesn't want to admit that to himself so for some reason has shifted the 'blame' for this ridiculous situation on to you, the 'easier' target, rather than his unreasonable, manipulative, arse hole of an ex.

FlasknTea · 12/08/2020 14:56

@Perfectlymarvellous

It isn't about trusting him though! It is the enslaught of drama from the ex and then the children that will follow.
So the drama from the ex and the children is his responsibility in that case. It’s true that it’s tough to have to live with drama but it’s his responsibility. If he chooses to go then he also deals with the drama. Agree with an above poster about letting him sulk. Never take someone else’s drama on board. Allow them to take responsibility. He asked for your advice and you gave it, now step away. If you can’t step away, what are you really afraid of??
3ImpBed4 · 14/08/2020 09:59

So...@Perfectlymarvellous.. did he go or did better sense prevail?

Original poster
Perfectlymarvellous · 14/08/2020 10:46

He didn't go but we still ended up having a huge row because he 'should be able to spend as much time as liked with her, even just as a two, without feeling like there is any issue'. I am ready to call it quits tbh because I think I will always feel some odd third wheel to them.

OP posts:
LookAtMeee · 14/08/2020 10:50

@Perfectlymarvellous

He didn't go but we still ended up having a huge row because he 'should be able to spend as much time as liked with her, even just as a two, without feeling like there is any issue'. I am ready to call it quits tbh because I think I will always feel some odd third wheel to them.
I would. I wouldn't like this at all. Especially from what you've said about her / the children.

Why is he so desperate to spend time with his ex wife? I get the occasional time if something is happening with the children but spending time just the two of them? Why?

I don't know if I'm just seeing it from my own situation because whilst my husband would go and watch the kids school play with their mum, hanging out with her just the two of them would be his worst nightmare 😂

starskey80 · 14/08/2020 11:02

I'd walk away for this if I were you. You sound lovely and very reasonable, you can also see the damage they are willfully doing to their kids.
It's a shit show, but it's not your shit show.

RandomMess · 14/08/2020 12:25

My ex and I really got on well, helped out with each other but didn't take our DC on lunches out together and certainly not just the 2 of us!!!

We did school stuff together and birthday parties when she was little 6 and under??

AryaStarkWolf · 14/08/2020 12:39

@Perfectlymarvellous

He didn't go but we still ended up having a huge row because he 'should be able to spend as much time as liked with her, even just as a two, without feeling like there is any issue'. I am ready to call it quits tbh because I think I will always feel some odd third wheel to them.
That's just weird and I'm not sure if he'd be so happy about it if you had a relationship like that with your ex. You are not being weird, he is and if he's willing to fall out with you over time he spends with his ex then I would also be thinking about calling it quits and leaving him to it
Ellisandra · 14/08/2020 12:44

@Perfectlymarvellous

AbbieFB he would likely go so she didn't get mad and then spend the rest of the week stressing manically about the two hours of work he missed setting him way behind.
Instead of just catching up the hours that evening? He sounds like a pain in the arse 🤷🏻‍♀️
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