Lunch with ex

[Perfectlymarvellous]

Name change

Last night my partner got visibly uncomfortable at a text. Apparently his parents have invited his ex wife and their two children out for lunch tomorrow (no particular reason, just the eat out deal) and his ex wife then followed it up asking him to take time away from work to go with them. Note the kids will be staying with us that evening anyway so he will spend time with them regardless.

He said to me 'I don't know what to reply as you are not going to be happy if I go'. I said 'no, not overly, your mum invited her, there is no reason for you to go along.' and I left it at that.

He sees his kids 4 nights a week and his parents a few times a week, so spending this lunch time with them just seems unnecessary and for the benefit of his ex, who would very happily have people assume they are still together. She was hospitalised earlier this year after suicidal thoughts and her therapist suggested she needed to avoid him as much as possible as it made her feel and act so much worse so I also feel he should respect that and not go along playing husband which will only make her feel heartbroken later. Also, no, I do not see the need for them to go together. I won't try to stop him but I know I am being seen as the bad one. So, thoughts please?

I am not invited, I would like to in the future if I ever feel like there no hostility, but that is not now

If he's been told that the ex's therapist feels she needs to distance himself then why is he even considering it?

Especially taking time out of work?

He'll just be fuelling her problems, which will impact on his kids.

As is said often on here - you have a DH problem

If you're not invited, then of course it's not an innocent thing. If your partner is considering going along knowing that you're forbidden from joining him, that's very sad on his part.

Also, who said you're not allowed to come? They're controlling.

She's at it! You're quite right to be less than happy about it! Presume he's not going?

I can't help but think 99% of this situation is pure bullshit from the man involved. I get the feeling he says one thing to one woman and one thing to another.

Why are you not invited? By his parents request or his exes? Either way that would bother me more

He said to me 'I don't know what to reply as you are not going to be happy if I go'.
He clearly does want to go otherwise he wouldn't have said this to you. Under the circumstances (him wanting to go, her wanting to pretend they are still together and it being the ex who has invited him rather than his parents) I probably wouldn't be happy about it. What is the need?

If they had an amicable splt, they still got on and they'd both moved on with other partners, I'd probably feel okay about it.

I'd want to know why he wants to go and if he said he didn't, I'd jump on it quickly and say "don't then!"

I don’t really understand because:

They spilt because she wanted to
It was years before you met him
She set up his online dating profile
He sees the kids regularly
The parents invited her to lunch

All of which suggests an amicable split but

She was seeing other men during their marriage
Her therapist apparently suggested it was against her best interests to see him even during the short time of pick up
She wants him ‘on a string’
She’s encouraged the kids to see you as a threat

All of which suggests the split wasn’t amicable.

If his parents are aware of the cheating, therapist advice or mixed messages to children why on earth would they invite her for lunch even without their son

I can’t possibly know but from the contradictory nature of what you are being or have been told I suggest he is lying, trying to keep you and his ex both unsure of where you stand and seeing each other as ‘the weird/controlling’ one.

And the only person to benefit from that is him

Either its amicable, in which case why wouldn’t you go too (and one of these countless partners she’s meant to have/have had)

Or its not amicable and therefore unwise for hin to go - and he should have no problem saying no at all ^and/or* why would his parents be stirring things up by inviting her in the first place?

Especially as both he and his parents have so much contact with the children - its not like its their only chance to see them.

So its really hard to see what possible advice can be given when none of it makes sense except that the only person benefiting from keeping it messy is your DP.

So all I can think is Getupagain is right - he’s lying to both of you and possibly his parents too

Imo I would struggle to get past the obvious fact he wants to go...

This sounds like a complete shit show OP 😱 Your DP is being a complete wuss about this...in fact he is simply refusing to take any kind of mature responsibility for making a decision about the issue, and leaving that to you (yes he can go/no he can't) so he can blame you for whichever outcome. The whole dynamic between him and his ex is chaotic and definitely not over, despite the many years that have passed. It's frankly a mess...are you sure this is what you want from a relationship? You will have many years of this drama ahead if you continue with this 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️ I definitely wouldn't be happy with this and would be making my way to clearer waters.

Actually, yes, it's coming across like he's trying to have his cake and eat it here. Do you have children with him OP?

I think it's probably nice for the children to spend time with both parents, it's a safe place with grandparents too so I would say if work permits he should go if he wants to.

@Perfectlymarvellous do you really need all this grief in your life?

@beingsunny

I think it's probably nice for the children to spend time with both parents, it's a safe place with grandparents too so I would say if work permits he should go if he wants to.

Not if they are already confused about the situation (which it seems they are from what they say to OP) and the mother has MH issues which her therapist has specifically advised she doesn't spend time with her ex because of...

I go to lunch with my kids and my ex occasionally, sometimes his new wife and kids come along too. His new wife and I aren’t friendly, but we don’t begrudge the other being there. My OH doesn’t mind either way so long as neither of them are rude Or disrespectful to me (it has been known)
He’s not going to lunch with his ex, he’s going to lunch with his family and she’ll be there. You need to get over this and stop being possessive. He’s with you now, she’s not going to get him back and if she does he was never with you in the first place.

She sounds like she wants it every which way. Setting up his dating profile, then telling the children that you stop mummy and daddy loving each other !?!
She sounds unstable and selfish, mainly for dragging the innocent kids into it.

He has the perfect get out card as she told him herself that her therapist said she shouldnt see him. If she argues he just needs to repeat this.
Or better yet he can just say he has plans he can't get out of, doesn't need to say anymore as it's non of her business. Simples.

It sounds to me like she ended it to play the field, thinking he would always be there should she not find someone else. Fuck that.

Distance and plenty of it. I'd also be disgusted if I was your partner about her comments to the children. Not good for their innocent little heads at all.

I say this as an ex-wife, who doenst like my ex's new partner, but knows what they do is none of my business ( actually I couldn't give a flyin fuck :) )

He said to me 'I don't know what to reply as you are not going to be happy if I go'. I said 'no, not overly, your mum invited her, there is no reason for you to go along.' and I left it at that

So what's the problem? He said what he was feeling when he read the text, you clarified how you felt about the invitation... what are you actually asking for thoughts on, OP?

If you or he had turned it into an argument that would be one thing, but it doesn't sound like either of you did. What specifically is the issue?

I would opt out of the discussion on whether he joins them for lunch. Tell him he can go if he likes (it's no big deal to you) but it has to be his decision.

And it is his decision - she is his former partner, they are his children with her and they are having lunch with his family.

Why does he want you to be involved? You don't want to be painted as the villain by him or the in-laws further down the line.

Unless this is you’re both worried about her mental health and want the best for her, which I very much doubt, Then parents socialising together is usually a positive. He wants to go, he won’t because he knows it will piss you off and he doesn’t want the hassle of it.

They are the kids parents, they should be able to have a family lunch. People saying he shouldn’t wish to have family lunches like this are wrong. They aren’t thinking of the kids, they are just thinking about him having lunch with his ex.

Think you need to be honest with yourself why you don’t want him at something so normal.

Some people need to realise that the ex has specifically made this awkward. The original plan was for the GPs and ex and children to go for lunch together. If the GPs had invited OP's partner, I don't see what the issue would be. But the ex has invited him. Why?? The GPs don't even know as far as OP is aware. The ex is making it weird.

Also, the parents socialising is not a positive if the woman's therapist has advised her to keep her distance from the man. I don't think her therapist will give her a pat on the back for inviting him, he or she would probably see it as a step backwards in her recovery.

If I were OP's partner, I'd politely decline to go solely because I would not want to contribute to my ex's mental distress, not just for her sake but more so for the sake of the children who don't need to witness their mother having some kind of breakdown over their dad.

Catiopea his parents have no idea what their marriage was like, they are very elderly and he doesn't want to have poly/swinging/sex with men outside the convo with them. His ex lost both her parents over the last decade and his mum is very loving with her as a result.

WhatCFeryIsThis no, I have two children of my own with my exH

VivienScott I fail to see how it makes me possessive, saying no I wouldn't be happy. This isn't just a friendly gesture between two parents in front of kids who know the score.

starskey80 nail. Head.

ladybee28 he is sulking. I am mean and it is an argument brewing

Bluntness100 because none of the situation with them is normal? His little girl is already convinced her mummy and daddy would be happily together if I did one. How does this help? He will be having dinner, an evening etc with the children a few hours later. He wasn't even invited by his parents.

Either he wouldn't go or I would be going with him (invited or not). But I would forewarn the in laws first.
The bit where she had to be upstairs at every drop off and pick up because it is too painful for her to see him is just ridiculous 😂 The woman likes drama.

You've told your DH you wouldn't be happy for him to go, so he knows how you feel about it. I would just leave it at that and let him sulk. If he wants to turn it into a whole argument, then you should ask yourself why it is so important to him to play happy families all the while excluding you.

Let him sulk tbh

I would focus on the fact his ex is using the DC to manipulate them and it is damaging them and he needs to create as much distance as possible.

She is desperately trying to win him back for some bizarre reason and he needs to keep that door firmly slammed shut.

Note the kids will be staying with us that evening anyway so he will spend time with them regardless
Why are the PIL arranging this on HIS time with the kids?
They could easily arrange stuff like this on the ex's time.