To limit contact with siblings

[pancakeloverrr]

My brother and sister both constantly tell me my plans/vision for my career are not 'happening' or 'going to be v. Difficult' (it's not, it's a model used many times by a lot of people in my profession).

I am unable to really go into it further but it's always some shaming of my incompetence, and I would like to limit my contact with them.

They bring me down, some else I know is able to accomplish what they did due to them being more 'clever'.

Then they say what they said is out of 'love'.

Am I being unreasonable to keep my career plans to myself and keep it very light during family gatherings? Or should I cut contact unless my mum wants to see everyone ?

I'm at the end of my tether with my siblings.

I never really discuss career plans with my siblings-can’t you talk about something else?

It’s not a pyramid scheme-type job, is it and they’re worried you’re throwing money away?

What's your profession?

No, not pyramid scheme . I am a barrister, so going into another sector. That's it.

I honestly cannot fathom why I'm always ever so confident they can achieve whatever they want as long as they work hard. I believe in them, they seem to just roll their eyes at me.

It's been a theme for our family- they team up, and I'm sort of the odd one out.

It's due to being more informed and more educated, but my opinion is that they think I'm garbage from their constant eye rolls.

I want to cut them off unless my mum wants us all together. Is that harsh?

Well considering you are clearly intelligent and dedicated and able to do hard work considering you got into and completed an LLB, they are numpties! Sod em!!

Not harsh at all!

Just go for it but maybe keep it to yourself.
Hopefully you can, at a later stage say “ta,da!”

To quote Fleetwood Mac...” You can go your own way.”

They also are very eager to ask what I'm doing with my career. As if they're even going to be cheering me on?

It's like they love to drag me into a debate of my choice to do another type of law, and then shit on my plan.

I don't want to even be around them anymore- this has been constant for decades. But it'll kill my mum, so I am in a weird situation.

Can’t you just be bland if you know they are odd about this particular subject and when they ask about your work, say, ‘oh, all is fine-you know, same old, same old’ and change the subject!?

I wouldn’t be drawn into a discussion about it.

@Redlocks28

Yes, that's good advice. Though they love to talk about their accomplishments and going into another sector, all day. I suppose I will just listen with a big smile on my face.

I don't understand their hostility towards me- I've always been the overachiever, and they just keep chipping away at my self esteem.

I feel rotten when I'm around them.

It seems an odd thing to cut your family off, over.

As others have said, can't you just change the subject, or be clear with them that you are no longer going to discuss your career with them as all they do is put you down ? That's what I'd do - not be pushed out of the family by keeping schtum.

"But it'll kill my mum, so I am in a weird situation."

That's not weird. It upsets my mum that my brother and I don't get on but that's not really my business. I've tried, maybe he's tried too, but we just hate each other.

My brother and I have no relationship.. my mum doesn't like it-but that's the way it is... you don't have to put up with them ... do they add positively to your life? If not then LC, look up Grey rock communication technique.. save your time for those who add value

One of my siblings is so negative about me I’ve stopped seeing her. It has upset my mum, but I think it upsets me too much and I should be able to be happy. We grew in the same womb, I’m not indebted to them.

Every time they start, tell them “Don’t want to talk about this, I know what I’m doing. Move on’. They sound like idiots.

Keep it to yourself and do what you want to do.

@averythinline

My mum keeps telling me in private that they love me and everyone has faults, so I'm being sensitive and that her only wish is to have us 3 be best friends.

I don't even like them, so it's hard.

They add zero value to my life. They don't even know my DD's birthday, they don't even care.

They do expect big dinners and lots of fun for theirs. Sadly, my brother has zero interest in my child, and that hurts too. He has none and is not married, neither is my sister who is older than I.

Sometimes you just aren't that close to your siblings. And it's not fair for your mother to put that weight on you.

You sound very put together and successful. Have the best relationship you can with your siblings without giving so much to them that you end up hurt.

Make up a fake life so you tell them something bland and nondescript, that you tried something and failed or just go on and on about switching to something innocuous like conveyancing and bore them with your made up life
and then turn the conversation on them.

Even when you get to your goal don’t mention it.

My lovely mother, who has always been my cheerleader, scolded them when they told me my IQ is low- that I'm the intellect of the family, always has been. I've always been a book worm type and my have the largest library collection. Top grades, loved school, etc.

My siblings think that's all wasteful- I am just below average and they seem to despise me. They don't value the love of books, they don't follow any politics, they don't understand or want to know anything that is important to me, even my own DD.

How do I keep a relationship with two people who despise me as a person? 'Reading that much will get you nowhere'; 'all those top grades didn't get you very far, did it.'

I feel like they hate me, and use me a punching bag behind my mums back.

They appear to be jealous of your success.
In bringing you down they are making themselves feel better.
Distance yourself and just attend the bare minimum of family gatherings that they attend to placate your mum.

Yanbu OP. They sound horrible.
Go low/no contact.
Surely if you've worked as a barrister you know you're clever and can do most things? You dont need their approval or endorsement.

@IdblowJonSnow

Yes, certainly that's true. It's that ive come to the realisation of how much they seem to dislike me. Decades of belittling my interests, decades of disinterest in me. My brother fell asleep during my graduation; my sister didn't even show up.

It breaks my heart. And I can't stand being around them for our weekly dinners, but it's the only thing that seems to make mum genuinely happy . 'all my children together- there's nothing more important is there? I'm blessed to see how well you three get on.'

Meanwhile- I'm suffocating and wanting to just leave.

My mum keeps telling me in private that they love me and everyone has faults, so I'm being sensitive and that her only wish is to have us 3 be best friends.

I don't even like them, so it's hard

Your mum needs to stop minimising your feelings and making excuses for them. Your relationship with each of them is going to be very different from her relationship with each of them and it's not for her to tell you how to feel.

I know you say your mum is lovely but it doesn't sound like she's aware of how much pressure she's putting on you to succumb to her wishes (of you all getting on) to your own detriment.

And yes, obviously don't see them unless you want to. What's this about stopping seeing them unless your mum wants you to? I know you feel you'd be freely choosing to see them in that scenario to make your mum happy, but would you make your mum spend time with people who were consistently shitty to her against her will purely because it would make you happy? And how could you be happy with that knowing she was being made miserable by the exact same thing?