To limit contact with siblings

[pancakeloverrr]

My brother and sister both constantly tell me my plans/vision for my career are not 'happening' or 'going to be v. Difficult' (it's not, it's a model used many times by a lot of people in my profession).

I am unable to really go into it further but it's always some shaming of my incompetence, and I would like to limit my contact with them.

They bring me down, some else I know is able to accomplish what they did due to them being more 'clever'.

Then they say what they said is out of 'love'.

Am I being unreasonable to keep my career plans to myself and keep it very light during family gatherings? Or should I cut contact unless my mum wants to see everyone ?

I'm at the end of my tether with my siblings.

Is your mum really oblivious to what's going on? Or enabling this shit?
Either way you really don't have to put up with it anymore OP. And nor should you.

@LonginesPrime

You're certainly correct. Mum sees this as some type of typical sibling rivalry? She honestly doesn't see anything wrong, she's in fantasy land due to her own hardship raising us.

Our father passed when we were teens- so she was a single mum raising us with this household mantra of 'we only have each other- always be there for your sister/brother.'

@IdblowJonSnow

I genuinely believe mum sees this is typical sibling rivalry- and nothing can tear apart this family because we all love each other.

They act so kind in front of her- bc they do genuinely love mum.

It's all baffling but I can't take it anymore!!!!!!!

During the last family dinner, my sister asked me 'what's so special about you for DH to get you those earrings?'

It brought tears to my eyes. Why does my sister hate me so much?

Weekly dinners sounds excessive, can you make an excuse to your mum and are her at other times? Ps they sound horribly jealous

OP they are simply jealous, you can come and sit in my boat because I have the same reaction from my elder sister and younger brother!
It is horrendous, and so much so that I am no longer in contact with my sister. However my brother carry's the baton for both of them and still puts the boot in whenever he can.

I no longer discuss work matters, just give a general 'so so' comment when he's digging for info. It's vile, I'm happy if my family or friends are doing well, but I've learnt if it's the other way around, the green eyed comments start rolling in.

They also pump my mum for information so now I have to be careful what I tell her.

I can't understand it, they both have great careers, are highly intelligent so why be like this? I think it's a case of my dogs bigger than yours, so they have gone on a Mission to snipe and put me down at every opportunity.

I do have a saving grace my other sister who hasn't got a bad bone in her body, but they actually do the same to her!

I would love to know why siblings do this, they have everything, but run the other siblings down.

It's all baffling but I can't take it anymore

Then don't!

The great thing about being a grown up is that you don't have to spend time with people you don't want to see.

Don't be coerced into wasting your life being bullied and abused by these people - you don't owe them any explanation and you should only be seeing any of them if you actually want to. Otherwise just say "no thank you" and live your life the way you want.

In another post you said you were a SAHM?

@tiredandunoriginal

Yes. I've been working off and on- I decided to be a SAHM for my small child.

I'm actually a barrister and have been for 6 years before, hence wanting to move into a another type of law now (with my former mentor).

Does being a temporary SAHM justify their behaviour? I don't understand. Maybe that's fair - they don't have children.

I am fortunate to have the means to stay home for a while. Maybe that's why they think so low of me?

My brother fell asleep during my graduation; my sister didn't even show up.
I don't think you should harbour resentment over that. Graduations are really boring even when you love the people involved. I've only ever been to my DH's and, no matter how much I love someone, I could never go to one again.

When your sister asked what's so special about you to be bought lovely earrings, you should have just laughed and told her your best qualities. Don't just sit there and take such comments. Don't allow them to put you down.

Have you ever actually told them to piss of? Rather than sit and take it?
When your sister asked what was so special about you, you should have nailed her to the post by asking what she meant.
Your a barrister, to me this means your highly intelligent and capable of rational and critical thinking so use these skills when you deal with them.
And stop being a martyr to your mothers wants and needs. She knows exactly what they are doing but is sacrificing you for the sake of appearances.

Op, your siblings are extremely jealous of your success, I doubt they will change or get over it, they do appear to have the emotional intelligence to do so. After decades of raising you all, your mother is looking for an easy way out of not getting involved and down playing the whole thing.

Speak to your mother, and tell her you are going to see her alone from now on. The family dinners are not working and making you unhappy. I would not give her the chance to talk you around, be firm and assertive.

Then you can stop seeing them - go minimal contact - perhaps just getting together for an hour at christmas. No more birthday dinners for your brother, if they can't acknowledge your birthdays why are you still doing stuff for theirs?

Pull back, go low contact and ask your mother to respect your decision.
Plenty of people do not see their siblings from one decade to the next, if yours are as vile and rude as your describe, then I am not sure why you are still seeing them as a grown adult.

Though they love to talk about their accomplishments and going into another sector, all day.

What do they do? What sector?

So you have a husband who obviously loves you, a baby and a successful prestigious career.

What do they have?

You have to have some better comebacks when they say this stuff. You need to not look passive, stand up for yourself.
Asking why he bought you earrings? "Well he must love me very much obviously" then change the subject, bitchy remarks get a snarky comeback.
Be more assertive.
When you Mum bangs on about them loving you, tell her to give it a rest, they are nasty and have no interest in your life.

Horses for courses, is a good reply to someone saying they don't think much of your love of books.
When they ask about your life, look them dead in the eye and say this.
I am not talking about my life just so you can be spiteful about my choices!
Your sister is eaten up with jealousy, so needs to bring you down to feel better about herself.
Did you meant to be so nasty,. Head on one side, look her straight in the eyes, do not talk, let her dig a bigger hole.
Your trained for this, go get her.

My mum was always on about how loving and close her family is, ha ha lockdown has removed the scales from her eyes, the golden child has shown himself to be a right arse....

You absolutely don’t need to make space in your life for people who don’t respect you or believe in you, and who actively try to bring you down. Totally fair for you to be polite and private when you see them at family gatherings and keep your interactions limited to that.

I went no contact with my entire birth family 2-3 years ago. It just wasn't worth the upset they caused me. The main offender was my sister who I'm pretty sure has EUPD. It got to the stage where I couldn't do right for doing wrong and I'd had enough.

Just because you are related by blood doesn't mean a relationship is worth saving. Some of them aren't.

I don't want to see or hear from any of my birth family ever again.

[quote pancakeloverrr]**@Redlocks28

Yes, that's good advice. Though they love to talk about their accomplishments and going into another sector, all day. I suppose I will just listen with a big smile on my face.

I don't understand their hostility towards me- I've always been the overachiever, and they just keep chipping away at my self esteem.

I feel rotten when I'm around them. [/quote]
@pancakeloverrr Good advice from @Redlocks28

Just be very “oh nothing much, just plodding along, same old....”

But importantly, smugly to yourself, know that at some point you can surprise them with the news of your changes that won’t be a plan by that stage, but rather a done deal.

Tell them your plans only after you’ve achieved them. That way they can’t put your plans down but you have all the fun of seeing their faces when you tell them what you’ve achieved.

@pancakeloverrr

During the last family dinner, my sister asked me 'what's so special about you for DH to get you those earrings?'

It brought tears to my eyes. Why does my sister hate me so much?

@pancakeloverrr also, this remark alone is enough for me to tell you to go very LC or ideally NC.

Your sister is a nasty bitch - and also sounds quite jealous.

I’m fairly certain your siblings are jealous/threatened by your good life and successes. You can’t change that. But you can change how you reach or how much contact you have with them at all.

Of course you could brush them off... lots of techniques, but save them for Christmas and your mums birthday. For every week, pick a different day for dinner at your mums and tell her they are week in week out horrible to you and you don’t care why anymore, you aren’t coming. You will see them at Christmas and her birthday and if they behave terribly then maybe once every 5 years.
That’s when you can roll out the
oh no let’s focus on Mum here,
honestly it’s busy there’s too much going on to go into,
me? Oh it’s too boring to talk about really , same old but i have my beautiful family and thats what counts (adoring smile for dh and dc).
It’s Christmas guys the last thing I want to talk about is work, I’m much more interested in finding the prosecco.

pancakeloverrr - you DON'T have to put up with this. They sound bloody horrible. They clearly have issues with you being different from them. You don't have to go to weekly dinners with them - why should your mum's happiness trump your own? Especially when she's being unreasonable - she can't force three people to like each other just because they are related. If it's easier than just refusing to go, could you develop a recurring appointment that clashes with the weekly dinner (a evening class for example) so that you don't have to tell them you just don't want to be there.

They are jealous.