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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 31 year old (male) friend is eyeing up 17 and 18 year olds

85 replies

Yeeeet · 09/08/2020 22:08

NC for this.

I know it's legal, but is it not inappropriate?

He's a good friend and we chat often, I've known him 15 years. I've never had any reason to suspect he would go after underage girls so I'm not insinuating that he's a sexual predator, I just find this distasteful.

It's a huge gap and girls this age have next to no life experience. This appears to be a new thing, at least he's never mentioned people of this age to me before.

Last week we met up for lunch and he was telling me about his friends 18 year old daughter who was now talking to him online about his interests, photography and art. He expressed his interest in wanting to get to know her better and joked about how she sat on his knee once before and they were flirting. He made it clear that he was romantically interested.

Today he pops up on WhatsApp talking about another girl, his cousins friend (17 this one) and how she's offering to do some video editing for him for his channel.

He asked me "if we hit it off and end up getting together, do you think 17 is a bit too young"

I responded that absolutely it is.

I'm assuming his friend and his cousin aren't aware he's talking to these girls.

To be honest I think he would go for anybody at the moment as he's lonely, a year out of a long term relationship and feeling a bit down.

However..

He's a 31 year old man with a job, car, house and life experience. These are girls still at home and barely out of school.

Should I reserve my judgement or do you think I should be saying more to him about this?

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 09/08/2020 22:09

I'd reconsider my entire friendship with a person who behaved that way, to be truthful.

Loftyswops988 · 09/08/2020 22:10

It is definitely inappropriate. Creepy vibes

Original poster
Yeeeet · 09/08/2020 22:11

I'm very taken aback by it.

His ex girlfriend was less than two years his junior, the one before her was slightly older than him.

OP posts:
rainatnightlove · 09/08/2020 22:11

I was 18 when I met my partner- he's 16 years older than me. 3 years on we're still good so don't write him off- it can work out! As long as he's not abusing the age gap it's fine imo.

Sparklesocks · 09/08/2020 22:14

I’d be very uncomfortable with it too, OP.
I know relationships with age gaps can work, and some young women meet an older man at 18 and stay together for years - but overall I think the gaps in life experience and knowledge of relationships could mean young women are more vulnerable with older men than they are with lads closer to their age.

LillianBland · 09/08/2020 22:15

@rainatnightlove

I was 18 when I met my partner- he's 16 years older than me. 3 years on we're still good so don't write him off- it can work out! As long as he's not abusing the age gap it's fine imo.
Would you feel the same if you knew your partner was actively seeking out a much younger partner? It’s one thing falling for someone with an age difference, but this man sounds predatory.
Nosuchluck · 09/08/2020 22:15

I wouldn't say anything to him.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 09/08/2020 22:15

The thing is, you say "he's lonely, he's a bit down" yet it's not 30 year old women he's flirting with and having sat on his knee. It's much younger, potentially more vulnerable women likely to be impressed that he has his own home and car. Revolting.

You can be lonely and still not be a sleaze.

Shallow07 · 09/08/2020 22:16

Whether it's legal or not, the power imbalance between a man of 31 with life experience and a girl in her late teens with virtually none is huge. I'd be asking him why he wouldn't prefer to be with someone close to his own age and would distance myself.

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 09/08/2020 22:16

Just because it's legal, doesn't make it right

CodenameVillanelle · 09/08/2020 22:16

I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that he was being creepy, predatory and gross

Rayne30 · 09/08/2020 22:17

When I was 16-17 my 32 yr old boss took an interest every time we went out for a few drinks. At that age I was flattered someone was interested in me. People told me it was wrong but I was of the “age doesn’t matter” thought.

Looking back, (I’m 34)..... Wtf....!

What kind of guy with 30-odd years of life experience wants to go about with a girl barely out of school, if even?

howlathebees · 09/08/2020 22:17

I’d feel really uncomfortable with this

Regularsizedrudy · 09/08/2020 22:18

It’s disgusting. A 31 year old has no business talking to 18 year olds.

MumsyMumIAmNot · 09/08/2020 22:18

I wouldn't socialise with someone like that.

Stripesgalore · 09/08/2020 22:18

I have a 19 year old DD and she has been been seeing a 30 year old. Like the description here, he previously dated women his own age.

I don’t feel it is that terrible, but it depends on the people involved, and we have had a lot of discussion about it. As long as they split up eventually and she marries someone her own age I am not too concerned.

17 seems too young though.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 09/08/2020 22:19

Yanbu. It might not be illegal but definitely creepy!

DianasLasso · 09/08/2020 22:20

Bleurgh.

A one off big age gap relationship where you've met someone you genuinely click with is one thing, but serially pursuing girls almost half his age. Just yuck.

eatsleepread · 09/08/2020 22:20

Yuk, yuk, yuk.
The age and stage is all wrong. Different maybe if the women were in their 20s.

Smallgoon · 09/08/2020 22:23

My friend is 39 and is also attracted to 18yr olds. He makes a point of 'bragging' if he manages to match with an 18yr on on Tinder... Makes me wonder if men get off on the idea of young girls being interested in them, and enjoy disclosing this to other males to show off.

I've always found it odd and had considered broaching the subject with him, but have held off because it's not technically illegal. It's horribly awkward though, as we've been out together before, and he was being a bit of a perv towards my colleagues daughter which I found incredibly inappropriate.

Patch23042 · 09/08/2020 22:23

Grim. He’s going to make a fool of himself. Might knock some sense into him I suppose.

NameChange84 · 09/08/2020 22:24

Minging. It always turned my stomach to be targeted by older men when I was 16/17/18 (actually it still does) and I felt really uncomfortable when men in their late 20s/30s/40s would be looking at me in a clearly sexual way and paying me attention as I was “jailbait”.

There’s no way as an adult woman that I’d want to be associated with a man in his 30s doing the exact same thing to teenagers as was once done to me. He needs a reality check. I’d ditch him and tell him why.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 09/08/2020 22:24

Ive read posts on here from women who were groomed as teens by much older men. Wake up to it in there 30s realising they are stuck with a controlling abuser who only went after them because they were young and naive - no career, youngs kids, financially trapped. Of course its not always the case, but its certainly a pattern.

lyralalala · 09/08/2020 22:28

I always dated much older guys, but chasing his friend's daughter? That's just wrong. How long has he been friendly with her father? If it's more than a few months it's even creepier

Sparklesocks · 09/08/2020 22:34

At school one of my close friends dated a 30 year old when we were 17. We thought it was great, he was so mature! He had a nice car! Money! Took her out to nice restaurants! None of the boys our age did all that for their girlfriends. It fizzled out and he moved onto another (young) woman.

She told me years later in our 20s that she looked back on it with sadness as life experience shone some light on his behaviour. She was so keen to show him how grown up and mature he was that he took advantage of her somewhat. If he flirted with other girls and she protested he’d say she was uptight and too clingy and needed for relax. If she wasn’t keen to move forward sexually he’d apologise and say maybe he made a mistake going out with someone younger who wasn’t ready for an adult relationship. Very manipulative, and she didn’t have much experience with relationships and trusted him as he was older - so didn’t yet recognise the red flags.

I’m not saying all men would behave in this way, but if you’re very young and inexperienced then you might not understand what is acceptable in relationships and question if you’re just overreacting.