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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 31 year old (male) friend is eyeing up 17 and 18 year olds

85 replies

Yeeeet · 09/08/2020 22:08

NC for this.

I know it's legal, but is it not inappropriate?

He's a good friend and we chat often, I've known him 15 years. I've never had any reason to suspect he would go after underage girls so I'm not insinuating that he's a sexual predator, I just find this distasteful.

It's a huge gap and girls this age have next to no life experience. This appears to be a new thing, at least he's never mentioned people of this age to me before.

Last week we met up for lunch and he was telling me about his friends 18 year old daughter who was now talking to him online about his interests, photography and art. He expressed his interest in wanting to get to know her better and joked about how she sat on his knee once before and they were flirting. He made it clear that he was romantically interested.

Today he pops up on WhatsApp talking about another girl, his cousins friend (17 this one) and how she's offering to do some video editing for him for his channel.

He asked me "if we hit it off and end up getting together, do you think 17 is a bit too young"

I responded that absolutely it is.

I'm assuming his friend and his cousin aren't aware he's talking to these girls.

To be honest I think he would go for anybody at the moment as he's lonely, a year out of a long term relationship and feeling a bit down.

However..

He's a 31 year old man with a job, car, house and life experience. These are girls still at home and barely out of school.

Should I reserve my judgement or do you think I should be saying more to him about this?

OP posts:
Rubyroost · 09/08/2020 22:34

I'd reconsider my whole friendship with this person
It's definitely inappropriate, creepy vibes

Not exactly the same circumstances, as not friend of father which is a little strange, but I was 18 when I met my partner who was 28 at the time. We are now 41 and 51 with a toder and a baby.

copperoliver · 09/08/2020 22:35

I tell him, your acting like a pervert grow up and act your age. If this behaviour continues I will have to reconsider or friendship. X

RiftGibbon · 09/08/2020 22:38

I have no personal experience of this but in my teens there is no way I'd have been interested in an 'old man' in his 30's. Maybe someone up to around 22 or 23.
Although when I was a teen and at school, one of my friends who was 17 was going out with a 34 year old, and they were together over a year. There was also the 16 year old who got pregnant by the 20 something lab technician.
As you get older, I don't think the age difference feels as drastic but regardless of that, it's a pretty big age gap and I can't think that they would have a great deal in common.
I'd be very uncomfortable if a friend of mine was actively and exclusively pursing potential partners so much younger, and I'd tell them so.

hadtojoin · 09/08/2020 23:02

The worrying thing for me is that one is a friends daughter and another a cousins friend. He could possibly have known then when they were much younger (underage) and they already know and trust him. Although they are 17 and 18 it really does sound more like underage grooming than just liking someone to me.

Kaiserin · 09/08/2020 23:05

The worrying thing for me is that one is a friends daughter and another a cousins friend. He could possibly have known then when they were much younger (underage) and they already know and trust him. Although they are 17 and 18 it really does sound more like underage grooming than just liking someone to me.
This

OhCaptain · 09/08/2020 23:12

God that’s disgusting. He’s targeting this girls.

I couldn’t be friends with him.

Regretsy · 09/08/2020 23:25

As pp have said it’s the fact one is a daughter of a friend that’s a bit gross. But I see my friends kids sort of as my family if that makes sense, as we’re close and they’re all v young, and the thought of dating one when they’re older is ridiculous.

rosiejaune · 09/08/2020 23:34

When I was 16 I was briefly involved with a man who was about 30. He hung around with lots of girls that age (some potentially under 16). I now realise how creepy and inappropriate it was.

I would be very clear to him that it is sexist, and if he doesn't understand why that is, he should educate himself.

JustMeAndMyTins · 09/08/2020 23:36

I think it’s something other than just the age difference that feels off here.

When I was a month from my 18th I met a 30 year old man who I ended up living with happily for a few years - house, dogs, the works. There was never anything odd about it and nothing bad happened when we split. We definitely didn’t look or act 12 years apart in age either.

All that said, it was a spontaneous meeting in a bar, he thought I was already 18 when he asked me out, he had no history with girls my age, i was an old soul and we fell in love. So the situation was quite different.

IncandescentSilver · 09/08/2020 23:42

I'd quietly drop him. Although it would be much better to tell him why.

Somethings gone wrong with him somewhere. He has somewhere made a decision to specifically target very young women at the beginning of adulthood, disregarding what society generally thinks, for his own gratification. His attempts to discuss it with you are presumably to normalise it, so you are getting dragged into it too.

Its sleazy, not just the age, but to be chatting about this sort of stuff with you and the amount of detail and comments.

Whatisthisfuckery · 09/08/2020 23:46

A 31 year old man pursuing 17 and 18 year old girls is predatory. You’ll get all the usual ‘I met my DH when I was 16 and he was 35 and we’re still happy 25 years later’ posts, but that is not the norm, relationships with such a massive power imbalance are very rarely healthy, and yes, his behaviour is predatory. A 17 year old is still a child under the law, and an 18 year old is barely an adult. It’s creepy red flag behaviour and I would tell him so, and if he carried on I would not be able to remain friends.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2020 23:49

Find a new friend. This man is fucking disgusting and pathetic.

DimidDavilby · 09/08/2020 23:56

Gross gross gross

cringeworthit · 10/08/2020 00:09

The girl of 17 is probably still at school. He's nearly old enough to be her father.

I think it's dodgy that he is interested in not one but two (that you know of) girls who are so much younger than him. I know that some relationships between a young woman and a much older man can and do work, but he seems to have a 'thing' for teenagers.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 10/08/2020 00:19

Sounds like he’s either not emotionally mature enough have a relationship with a woman his own age or he is just power obsessed and treating these girls like trophies.

AgathaFisticuffs · 10/08/2020 00:42

Super creepy.

The "rule" is half your age plus seven. So 20 year olds can date 17 year olds, 40 year olds can date 27 year olds etc.

So he should really only be talking to 22 and a half year olds and up. Even then it's a bit of an age difference but stops it being creepy!

ChavvySexPond · 10/08/2020 00:45

I can't imagine being sexually interested in a schoolboy or teenager so it's a big EW! from me.

Isn't there a name for that? Ephebophilia?

TrickorTreacle · 10/08/2020 02:27

There are lots of threads like this.

If the girl is the older one, then it's all fine and dandy.

If the guy is the older one, then, zomgZORG PAEDOPHILE!!!!1111#oneone!!.throw.rocks.at.me!!!!!1222""" BAN ME!

toothfairy73 · 10/08/2020 02:46

The man that abused me as a child (he was mid 30's) also had a "relationship" with my 17-18 year old sister's friend (who was extremely vulnerable). My parents thought it was odd but accepted it (he brought her round to show her off, felt like he was trying me to make me jealous in some sort of fucked up way). They didn't suspect him. He had actually been abusing me for years. He is now in prison serving a 16 year sentence. He was a predatory paedophile and was charged for abusing over a 30 year period.

Mothership4two · 10/08/2020 03:15

There are lots of threads like this. If the girl is the older one, then it's all fine and dandy

I must have missed those posts.

Ifthe OP's 31 yo female friend was acting in the same way to 17 and 18 yo friends and family members sons, you would get pretty much the same reaction imo

babydisney · 10/08/2020 03:23

Nonono. As a 21 yo female this is gross. We're still so young and learning verges on manipulation.

Jenny70 · 10/08/2020 03:40

I think he has low confidence and thinks he can use his "maturity", job, financial stability to impress/manipulate an inexperienced girl. It's gross, and taking advantage of them... especially as they are being introduced to him by people that wouldn't be expecting him to hit on them (cousin, friend etc).

I think he needs to think why he's trying to chat up very young girls, possibly with no sexual/life experience, and not trying to find a relationship with someone he has more in common with.

Girlzroolz · 10/08/2020 03:51

Sounds to me as though he’s gone some dodgy online porn rabbit-holes during lockdown, and lost any real-world perspective.

The two worries are that he has developed these tastes, and also that he’s so open about them. I’d be very clear to any friend that did this that a) I thought it was pretty revolting and b) that he could keep it to himself if he wanted to retain the respect of his adult friends. I’d take the tack that it made him look like he wasn’t sure he could ‘cut it’ with adult women, and surely that’s a bit embarrassing to crow about? My face would be clearly saying ‘Oh god, that’s so saddo. I’m worried for your mental health mate.’

Don’t know if it’d work, but maybe worth a try? I wouldn’t be able to be casual, or even tacitly show support for this behaviour by saying nothing. I’d say something, then prepare for losing a friend if he kept at it. If he kept up with his pursuits, but stopped updating me about it I’d still find it difficult not to try and protect the girls somehow.

022828MAN · 10/08/2020 03:57

Gross. I suspect he watches a lot of porn.

Catsup · 10/08/2020 04:11

Christ! If he's trying to sexually persue the teenage daughter's of his friends and relatives? He might as well book himself an ambulance now because he'll be winging himself to a broken nose, if not more! Normal, fully functioning adult males do not seek relationships with barely legal adults. And yes, there will always be the minority that state 'well it worked out for us!'. But frankly that's very, very rare. It's creepy, predatory, and 17/18yr olds 99% of the time have fuck all in common with middle aged men, other than the men being interested in an unequal sexual relationship.