My 31 year old (male) friend is eyeing up 17 and 18 year olds

[Yeeeet]

NC for this.

I know it's legal, but is it not inappropriate?

He's a good friend and we chat often, I've known him 15 years. I've never had any reason to suspect he would go after underage girls so I'm not insinuating that he's a sexual predator, I just find this distasteful.

It's a huge gap and girls this age have next to no life experience. This appears to be a new thing, at least he's never mentioned people of this age to me before.

Last week we met up for lunch and he was telling me about his friends 18 year old daughter who was now talking to him online about his interests, photography and art. He expressed his interest in wanting to get to know her better and joked about how she sat on his knee once before and they were flirting. He made it clear that he was romantically interested.

Today he pops up on WhatsApp talking about another girl, his cousins friend (17 this one) and how she's offering to do some video editing for him for his channel.

He asked me "if we hit it off and end up getting together, do you think 17 is a bit too young"

I responded that absolutely it is.

I'm assuming his friend and his cousin aren't aware he's talking to these girls.

To be honest I think he would go for anybody at the moment as he's lonely, a year out of a long term relationship and feeling a bit down.

However..

He's a 31 year old man with a job, car, house and life experience. These are girls still at home and barely out of school.

Should I reserve my judgement or do you think I should be saying more to him about this?

I used to think I was so amazing when guys in their 30s and 40s cracked onto me at that age.

Now that I'm that age, I just think they're pathetic. The vast majority of people that age are extremely naive. It's gross.

I don't think these two age groups mentioned are creepy at all. A younger woman and a slightly older man can work quite well for some people.. When I was about 19, I was seeing a man who was almost 40, and it wasn't a sexual relationship, and not at all creepy or sleazy.

So what was his response when you stated 'yes, too young'? To be honest maybe you should encourage him to be open to his friend that he's sexually interested in his teenage daughter, and ask his friend how he'd feel about that?... I would bet one billion pounds he'd rather castrate himself than 'acknowledge' it to his friend, as he already knows the reaction from him 🙄 He's not 'lonely', he's skanky and predatory. I'd imagine he knows this himself too! The only reason he's drawing you into his narrative is because he knows it's messed up, and he's looking for you to give him the 'go ahead' to make a move.

@forAll74 So was that a mate of your dad? 🤔

@1forAll74 Someone just out of school with someone who has 10 years of life experience as an adult?

It's creepy.

I suspect that relationships with women his own age haven't worked out, as he needs to work at being a better partner. He's feeling lonely and sorry for himself and these younger women/girls are impressed by him, because they are used to boys their own age.

If he sets his sights on someone so much younger, he doesn't have to do any work on himself or make much effort. It's manipulative, but he wouldn't see it like that.

Younger women tend to be skimmer and are generally seen as better sexual objects. They're also easy to impress and strong along as they aren't yet bothered with marriage and babies.

Creepy.
Ressult of porn.

He will come out of this very badly.

I agree [email protected] him he should tell his frie nds that he is interested in their daughters.

If I were you, and he doesn't, I'd give them a heads up.

Detach from this relationship if he doesn't see the error of his ways.

He sounds yuk.

Maybe open the conversation with him (if you want to) but pointing out that actually it would be illegal in some contexts! ie if he were a teacher, it would be illegal for him to approach a 17 year old pupil and to have sex. It's a safeguarding and trust issue. Maybe that will make him think twice? It's not just a random age gap. 17/18 year olds still living at home are obviously not fully independent adults!

It's especially weird that these are friends' children. He must have known the girls longer? I agree with reply above suggesting he probably watches a lot of porn. And I'd be wary.

Can you be frank with him? 'I can see that chatting to these young women is giving you an ego boost, but it's not the way forward. To me, their parents and their friends you would look weird and creepy. It's a no to flirting with anyone you knew as a child or who was recently a child.

When I was 16/17/18, my friends and I had a guy that tried to hang out with us a lot. He’d phone and ask to meet us together or separately. He’d buy us drinks, get us into clubs etc. None of us were interested in him so nothing really happened.

20 years on I was reading the paper and he’s gone to prison for having sex with a 14/15 year old.

Forgot to say that he was early thirties when we were teens.

I would terminate the friendship.

He sounds creepy.

It is inappropriate and you were right to respond in the way that you did. Ending the friendship might make him realise how bad this is.

Well I've told him how I feel about it, that it's not right and he's coming off very badly.

I echoed some of what has been said here like how girls that age may be impressed by a man his age and his perceived maturity but the power imbalance makes it look exploitative. I suggested if he's lonely he give OLD a try and looks for somebody closer to his own age.

This morning he has replied "lol yeah you're right" and changed the subject completely.

Maybe he'll take notice, maybe he won't, but he knows where I sit on the matter.

He's known the two girls in question a couple of years at least so that does make it worse imo. One of them (the 18 year old) had a brief relationship with another of her dad's friends in his early 30s when she was 17, so that has probably normalised it in his head and he thinks it's ok for him to follow suit.

Personally I think the dad sounds like an idiot and if he were my DH he would be keeping his friends away from my teenager.

He's going as young as he can legally get away with.

I couldn't be friends with a man who did that. It shows that he's not interested in meeting a woman who's his equal - he's looking for someone he can dominate. A child, basically. Grim. We need to stop propping these men up and giving them social status.

He’s actively pursuing these girls, under the guise of being a ‘safe’ family friend. It’s underhand and very creepy.

Yes he is a creep. Unfortunately it is a common problem some men think all young ladies are to be perv'd at, it seems they think porn is RL all those young ladies are gagging for sex it is their right to stare and have sexual thoughts about them.

My boyfriend was 38 when I was 21. Older than your friend is going for sure but I was still young and vulnerable. I'm late 30s now and would I feck go for someone so much younger than me! Just .. ugh!

@lyralalala

I always dated much older guys, but chasing his friend's daughter? That's just wrong. How long has he been friendly with her father? If it's more than a few months it's even creepier

This. The age gap is a bit inappropriate but I'd have some sympathy if he just found himself in a relationship with a young woman. But he's actively chasing his friends' daughters and quite frankly, that's disgusting. He's obviously titallated by having one of them sitting on his knee.

Frankly, I'd consider this grooming, even if the girls are technically of age.

It’s creepy AF. Given he’s currently talking about these two girls in the same way, it sounds like he’s not seeing these children (17 year old) or young women (18 year old) as individual beings, worthy of respect equally to himself- a prerequisite to a healthy relationship. Maybe they each represent something that he wants access to. Your friend seems to like a sexualised power imbalance in his own favour. He and these girls are obviously not genuine friends with each other though. Whatever the girls may be thinking. Ultimately he is saying that he wants to fuck each of them.

It’s creepy because of how exploitative it has the potential to be. Obviously when individuals are stereotyped, especially if the stereotypes are seen in a particular way, it can support dehumanising behaviour towards members of the group. Think about how this age group of girls is abusively represented and disgustingly stereotyped in pornography.

Then look at how posts on this thread saying he is being gross are coming from posters’ individual knowledge of our own teenage daughters as human beings. Or look at how we are posting from our own individual experiences of having been in that age group and female, and we are recalling the unwelcome sexualised ways that older men treated us.

Worlds apart isn’t it. Yet your friend doesn’t seem to be joining the obvious dots here.

Any relationship can have an element of generalising about a group in it (you can’t look inside people’s heads). But the rule of thumb is that it’s generally risky for less-powerful individuals in any relationship when there is a significantly more powerful partner. And if generalisations and assumptions are at the same time being made about the group that the least-powerful partner belongs to, (teenage girls In this case) then that is risky for them. This is because of potential created to misuse power, when the less-powerful partner is not seen as equal.

That’s why we have safeguarding. I don’t know any women who as teenagers didn’t have the very unpleasant experience of being approached sexually in some way by someone who was much older than them, usually in several instances.

Many of us also had the very unpleasant realisation of that sexual approach being dressed up to be something much more innocent-sounding, to make it seem acceptable both to the girl and to the people around her who would try to stop it in her interests. This is obviously a key part of grooming behaviour. Groomers cloak their real intent is because the reality is too sleazy to be acceptable.

It’s up to your friend how he wants to think about teenagers. But if he is a good guy, he won’t want access to teenagers as potential sexual partners in his 30s. Nor would he even want to do or say anything to give anyone the faintest impression of him wanting that access.

It sounds creepy to me.
When I was early 20s I became friendly with a girl of 16 at work, but on first date it seemed 'wrong' so there was no 2nd date.
Can you have a warning chat with the young ladies?

@DateLoaf has summed it up perfectly. I couldn’t remain friends with this man at all.

But if he is a good guy, he won’t want access to teenagers as potential sexual partners in his 30s. Nor would he even want to do or say anything to give anyone the faintest impression of him wanting that access.

Only I’d say ‘non-grooming baseline decent guy’ instead of “good guy”.

You’re quite right SparklingLime. That is the absolute minimum requirement.

Exceeding that baseline would include men calling out other men’s grooming behaviours, and men trying to find better ways of dealing with porn culture, etc.

Hopefully men can suggest other ideas.. and they will listen to women’s experiences and think more about how men can help each other to stop the creepy bullshit