to ask for your stories about having babies at 40+

[bornninthe80s]

Trigger warning so please read on only if you can...

There are so many horror stories about the risks (to the child, is what I'm prioritising) of having a baby over 40.

Had my first at 38 and completely scared off having another as I don't think we would cope if a second child had SEN. First was premature (by 5 weeks) which is apparently also a risk for additional needs but thankfully no signs of that (almost 2 yrs) and pretty sure if you had one preterm it's likely the next will be the same (I am so sorry if this sounds shallow but I've had some pretty intense MH issues myself and I just know I couldn't do it).

I am pregnant by accident (4 weeks) and in pieces trying to decide whether to go ahead. Never had an abortion and they sound awful too.

I just wondered if you could tell me your good and bad stories of having a child after age 40.

Disclaimer! - Eagle eye MNetters may see me posting different questions around this exact topic which have been very helpful helping me focus my mind. Please don't make comments if you don't need to.

Abortions are not awful especially if you get it done early. The medical abortion involves taking two tablets, and the result feels like a period. If you phone Marie Stopes you can often self refer if you live in the right area.

Having an early abortion is much easier than continuing a pregnancy you don't want and having a child you don't want.

Plenty of us have had abortions and are fine, and even happy with our decision and relieved we had the option.

I'm sure there are lots of people who can tell you having a baby at 40+ has been great for them and their family. But its really irrelevant op. If you want the baby you'll make it work. If you don't then you have options.

No one of any age is guaranteed to have a child who does not have any additional needs. The chances might be higher for certain people, but it's a gamble every parent takes. Very few people think they are capable of parenting a child with additional needs. However I think the vast majority of people who find themselves in that position end up surprised by how they adapt and the joy they end up getting from their child - though obviously it's also incredibly hard work.

I had a beautiful boy at 40, easy pregnancy, easy birth, quick recovery, he's 2 and all is well. Had my 1st at 33, then 2 MCs, then him. I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit more tired than i was with the first and if fate hadn't intervened i would have preferred to have had him earlier because of that. But 99% of the time it's pretty flipping great. 😊

Not me but my friend. She had her first and only at 42. She didn't meet the right man until she was 39. They're incredibly happy, beautiful well rounded 15 year old now. They have good jobs and are glad they had their lovely daughter. It can work.

I don't think MH issues are shallow, they can have a devastating impact on your and your families whole life. I personally don't think they should be minimised in anyway.

Do you really want this baby? Could you have some counselling to talk through your options. Abortions aren't awful if it's the right thing for you.

Best of luck OP.

Had my 3rd at 41 a month shy of my 42nd bday, my eldest was 17 at the time, I have another in the middle too🙂 the last one was a shock and she’s by far the liveliest and noisiest of the three. I’m not going to lie I’m a lot more tired this time and the bickering is tiring too but I wouldn’t change them at all. Only you can make the decision that’s right for you.

I had one child at 37 who has ADHD. I had my second child at 41 (nearly 42). He is neurotypical and an absolute delight. I have many friends with kids with SEN that are much younger than me. You have to make the choice that's right for you but even though the odds are higher, unless there is something you haven't mentioned, they are not high.
Many of my friends and school mum friends were in their late 30's and 40's when they had kids and no-one has any particular problems. Medical care is so much better these days that the risks are lower.
I hope everything works out for you whatever you decide x

I had my son at 41. He is 19 months.
I had my daughter 2.5 weeks ago, a week after turning 43.
Both children are gorgeous and there is no evidence of disability or special needs. In fact, my son seems to be pretty advanced in many ways.
I didn't meet my now husband until 36. ideally we would've met a few years earlier but there we go.
I am so happy with my family and I have no regrets at all. Two under two is challenging for anyone, and I am really glad my husband is very hands-on.
We did have the nipt test with both pregnancies. It was £500 per test but I think it was worth it to rule out some serious conditions.
Having a child is always a gamble, but it's down to the individual to weigh up if it's worth it. For me it definitely was. Good luck!

Most children are still botn healthy. The chance of for instance downs is higher, but that just means it's higher, not that a child will have it. If anything it were my friends who were younger mothers who had children with syndroms or disabilities, because they don't get tested as much. Being a slightly higher risk means that they tend to be more careful.

A child can have physical or sen problems at any age. I had my first at 24 - dc has sen and physical health issues - is in and out of hospital regularly if you'd have asked me before the birth could I have coped I'd have probably said no - I can and I have even going on to have 2 more dc. So don't rule out dc on the grounds of your age but on the grounds of could you /do you want to be a parent and if dc had sen could you cope.

DS1 when I was 37, he was 5 weeks premature - age 14 now and no problems.
DS2 when I was 42 , he was breech so I had a planned caesarean at 41 weeks. He is 11 and also fine.

You are clearly very anxious OP and that is understandable. People will come on here and tell you good and bad stories but anecdotes mean nothing. You need to look at reliable stats and your own personal risk factors. Having a baby is always a risk.
Please make sure you confide fully in your partner and let him support you in making your decision.

For what it’s worth I had a healthy pregnancy aged 42 (conception was IVF, but with no genetic screening). My son is neurotypical and very bright. However I chose not to do any more IVF to give him a sibling at 45 as I felt the risks of disability were too high by then. If I had not had any child at all by 45 I might still have rolled the dice.

Good luck in your decision.

I’ve just had my 3rd child aged 44 (will be 45 in a couple of months). It was a huge shock to find myself pregnant again and I had health issues myself in pregnancy but the baby is absolutely fine, and is a delight. I am more tired, but I also have more parenting experience plus my other kids are able to be a bit helpful. My husband is younger - 40 - which does help and he does loads of family stuff anyway. I would recommend the Harmony test for chromosomal testing, as that gave me a lot of comfort given what the odds look like at my age. You’re a lot younger than me! I had just turned 39 when I had my second.

As previous posters have said, only you can make this decision for your family. If you are concerned about health factors, arm yourself with info and bear in mind they can come up in any pregnancy at any age. But in my experience it’s really not unusual to have a baby past 40. I felt absolutely ancient but no doctor, nurse or midwife has so much as batted an eyelid at my age.

I found myself unexpectedly pregnant just before my 40th birthday. Pregnancy was no different from previous ones although my BP required more management. The baby was induced two days before my due date and she was the easiest of all my children. We are currently called up on the sofa and getting ready for her to go to University next month.

Really appreciate these replies everyone 🙏🏼 thank you!

Dc2 was born six weeks before my 41st birthday. She's 2 now, zero issues. I had a really easy pregnancy and walked out of hospital around 30 hours post emcs (I have a rubbish pelvis, my babies all have giant heads) feeling fine.

My mum's family are Catholic, my family tree is full of babies born to mums in their 40s and they've all been fine.

I had my third child at 41 1/2 ... perfectly lovely, NT girl. Wouldn't trade her for the world.

I have 2 beautiful girls, ages 3 months and 3 years. I had them at 41 and 44 and they are both perfect. I had c sections with both, no problems with recovery and pregnancies were healthy.

I had my first and only at 40, easy pregnancy, home birth and she is perfect. But we're exhausted!! Do look into getting a Harmony test at about ten weeks - you have to pay to have it done privately. It really put our minds at rest.

Had third child at 42, we all adore her, I am always exhausted but would change nothing.

This is my story.

I had DD1 (19) when I was 34.

2 MC.

Then DD2 (16) when I was 37

4 MC

Then DS (9) when I was 44 (nearly 45)

I know that my penultimate MC before DS was a boy with Down’s Syndrome. I miscarried late and as it was the third successive MC they did a test. I still mourn that baby.

My delivery and birth with DS was a breeze really. I had a fantastic consultant and a lovely midwife. I had had 2 emergency sections; with DD1 and DD2 l, so DS was a planned section. I went home the next day. Recovery faster than with either of my DDs (with whom I had laboured).

I am far, far from a poster girl for late motherhood. Pregnancy loss and the serious illness of my oldest daughter has marked me forever. But in terms of carrying and delivering a baby at an older age - truly it was fine.

Best of luck to you.

Just had my second DS 10 weeks ago and I'm almost 41. Pregnancy was fine, no problems, and my little boy is healthy and happy and coming along faster than my first.
Too much scaremongering going on about older mums in my opinion.

I had my one and only at 40. She was a total surprise but obviously I am very glad to have her. Pregnancy was fine with no problems. I ended up having DD by ELCS as she was breech bat that was all fine too. I worried about disabilities but then I was born when my mum was 44 so there isn’t anything unusual in having babies “late” in my family.

OP, I have had 2 terminations and a very much wanted child I was 43.

No story to tell with any of it, because it was all complication free and the right thing for me.

There are so many horror stories about the risks (to the child, is what I'm prioritising) of having a baby over 40 Not really sorry many horror stories*, more like an increased risk for certain conditions for risks that are very low anyway.

I think the most important thing is that you pay attention to your MH, and make the decision that you WANT to make.

Easy said, I know. But if you give yourself permission to just do what is best for you you don’t need to work yourself up with the ifs and buts.

I think what I was trying to say was that in terms of my life challenges; having DS at aged 44 was not by any means the biggest deal. I should say though that I entered pregnancy fairly fit and well. I do think that a pregnancy aged 40 plus for a woman with health issues might be a problem. I should also say that I have struggled a bit with my weight after having him. I absolutely did not “snap back” as I had done before.