Need to leave but can’t stand losing DC

[CraveCorn]

DH & I have 2 DC. We sleep in separate rooms and have been for many years.

I am ashamed of the situation. I have told him endless times that I’m unhappy about this but he said this will not change. He will have sex and then go sleep in another room. There are no kisses, no hugs.

We have a house together. We earn £50k each but have separate finances. He pays for mortgage, bills and food. I pay for childcare.

We have dinner together and then spend the evening doing separate things. On weekends, we do separate activities.

We spend maybe one day together over a month period when we spend the day with his family for an outing.

I am unhappy but I cannot bear to stay away from my DC for 50% of the time, which would happen if we were to separate.

I don’t know what to do but I’m so unhappy with DH. I only wished for someone to love me and now this will never happen.

How old are your dc CraveCorn?

I was exactly the same, terrified of divorce for years because I was worried about how little I would see my kids.

In the end and with help from my family I did it, and though I would much rather we had had a functional and loving relationship, I am so glad I am divorced. Life is much much better for me than before (emotional abuse and very lonely within the marriage).

Have you spoken to a lawyer?
What ages are your children? If they are older, they may have some say in which parent they live with. Maybe they are unhappy with having parents who are roommates too.
If they are young, the courts generally give the mother more time, since women traditionally handle school runs, activities, health issues, etc.
What makes you think your husband could, or would want to be a single parent 50% of the time. It would interfere with his weekends.
Don't condemn yourself to a life of misery without even exploring the options.

DC are 2 & 4.

DH will not be able to take care of them 50% of the time in his current job and activities. But I think he will fight for it:

1. Out of spite
2. His parents will help him

I don’t know where to start, I just want out of this. But I cannot bear to be away from my children.

Not spoken to a lawyer. Maybe this is the starting point.

Yes speak to a lawyer definitely to see what your options are.
What does he get out of the marriage? Apart from sex?
He just wants to keep you trapped with them even though neither of you have feelings for each other.

@TwilightPeace I am so ashamed to admit this. You are right. He only gets sex out of the marriage.

I need to get out but I cannot lose my DC so I am trapped.

Apologies I have no advice but I really sympathise, being in a similar situation myself. It’s truly awful.

You won’t lose your DC.
What working hours do you both do now?
Surely he wouldnt get 50% with them if he was working and you were available to have them.

Have you ever mentioned splitting up to him?

You're not trapped.

Things will change if you leave but what you need to ask yourself is if they will be any worse than they are now?

50/50 is hard. I get it. I wouldn't have wanted to do it. But you'll get valuable time with your children and be able to have a life for yourself.

He may not apply for 50/50.

Totally agree about speaking to a solicitor.

And meanwhile stop providing sex. He's a lodger - that's not part of the tenancy agreement.
I'd be surprised if he really wanted 50/50 care of such small children and will his parents want it either? Does he do much hands-on parenting now?
And stop feeling ashamed. He's the one who should be ashamed. Put a lock on your bedroom door and make it clear that you've withdrawn your services.

Aw OP. You won't lose your children,

If you only spend one day a month as a family what makes you so sure hes going to want the children 50% of the time? 4 & 2 are not easy ages and they'll be very dependant on mum and dad at this age.

Does he know you fear losing the children?

Do not sacrifice your happiness based on your fears

You will not lose your DC

Why are you having sex with a man that has cut you off so emotionally for so long, that can not even hug you or sleep next to you?

I could not sleep with a man that treated me so poorly.

Start with legal advice, get a clear view of your financial arrangements. Your dc will not be young forever. This is not a great model of marriage for them to grow up with op. Your marriage is a sham, you deserve much more than this

DH works office hours. He could have them if they went to breakfast club etc. Our nursery can accommodate 7.30 am to 6 pm if needed. Although I would argue that they are better off with me than nursery. My work is totally flexible, I don’t have set hours.

Is he a hands on parent? I do all the cooking in the house for everyone, including different meals for DC if there is something they don’t eat. I do the majority of childcare. He cooks their tea once a week at most. For baths, we take turn.

I don’t think that he should have the kids 50% of the time.

@Friendsoftheearth I am so ashamed of this, believe me. It’s not even a topic that I can comfortably discuss with friends.

Sorry you are in this situation. For a start please stop saying you are ashamed. Ashamed of what exactly!? This is not your fault. I would call women's aid and ask for advice. The lack or affection is emotional abuse.

You don't need to be ashamed op! This is not your fault. Why is he coming to you to have his needs met, and ignoring you for the rest of the time? It sounds to me like abuse and neglect. Extreme neglect.

If you don't want to have sex with him, stop. Why should he change if he is getting everything he wants? You have found yourself in a very painful and difficult position, and quite frankly you have put up with it for long enough.

Do you have anyone you trust in rl to confide in?

The marriage is broken that is not solely your responsibility and it happens to more people than you think. You maybe the first in your circle, but there will be others.
The current set up is not healthy to anyone, do you really want your children to grow up thinking this is a marriage.
Get legal advice, take information house value mortgage left, what you earn, what savings, pensions and debts.
Once you have the advice make the move.
I missed my DD so much initially, but I made a new life. I took up new hobbies and eventually I meet someone new and my daughter gets to see a relationship where we laugh and hug regularly.

There is no one in rl that I can discuss all the details. I told my mum that I am unhappy without all the details, and she said that life is too short to be unhappy but to think carefully about what I do because of the DC.

If you are unhappy it will impact on your children. Staying together when you're unhappy is a terrible thing to do.
Please don't do this to yourself. X

Do you think your mother will support you? Please call womens aid today, be honest about what is happening to you - they are very helpful and supportive and will map it all out for you.

It is good that you are still working, and can work your hours around childcare. You are in a strong position. Stronger than you think.

Work out your finances quietly, speak to a solicitor and make a plan.
Your dc will soon be in school, and your life won't always stay the same as it is now. You are not trapped indefinitely, you just need to work out a comfortable route out. No court in the land will take your dc away, I can assure you of that.

Morning Cravecom.
Sorry you are in this situation.
Please tell him nothing about your plans until you have the information you need and then be mindful.
It’s not a happy marriage for you.
If you focus on YOU what do YOU want.
I understand issues re child arrangements and your anxieties. Do not let him see or know this.
The usually standard arrangements are every other weekend and one overnight in the week.
Seek recommendations of a good solicitor.
Could you get to counselling for yourself to support yourself through this.
Do you have any of your own family who can support you.
You seem to feel shame? I’m not sure why.
It’s his shame - you have tried to work at the marriage - he hasn’t.
This is who he is.
Perhaps he has a low sex drive but HE is not prepared to discuss or try and resolve.
The problem isn’t you - it’s him.
Look after yourself and please try and share.

@CraveCorn

There is no one in rl that I can discuss all the details. I told my mum that I am unhappy without all the details, and she said that life is too short to be unhappy but to think carefully about what I do because of the DC.

What does your father say? I wonder if he'd have a slightly different, male viewpoint? The answer is probably midway through both your parent's points of view.

First port of call is a chat with a family solicitor. You sometimes get the first 30 minutes for free.
Some things to know before you have that chat -
Do you own your own home or rent, is your name on the deeds ?
Do either of you have a private pension ?
What bank accounts do you have between you - joint and private ?

This chat will give you an idea of what you will get.
Then you need to remember that hubby is their father and is entitled to 50%. Now, you either put up with your life and have the kids 100%, or get out and accept what you get.
Please remember that the kids will go to nursery/school so you won’t see them all the time anyway.
You say that you want to be loved but that won’t be with hubby. So what do you want more, to be 100% with your kids or to be loved, because you can’t have both.

I am so sorry you are going through this. As a child of parents who were miserable together but really happy and also very good friends now they are separated I would say your kids are the exact reason you should leave. They will know you are sad, even if it's not something they can articulate. My only thing is you say you don't want him to have 50/50 but that's not necessarily what is best for the children. He might make you unbelievably unhappy but it doesn't mean that your children should be denied an equal relationship. My mum always said not having us 50% of the time was so so tough, bit ultimately there was absolutely no reason not to share. Both parents worked, my mum was much more flexible but it didn't mean she had any bigger right to take care of us. Good luck

I see your children are young don’t spend the next 20 years living like this do it while they’re young

Is it worth an ultimatum to him? Have you spoken to him and asked for change? Do you want it to or do you want out?