Need to leave but can’t stand losing DC

[CraveCorn]

DH & I have 2 DC. We sleep in separate rooms and have been for many years.

I am ashamed of the situation. I have told him endless times that I’m unhappy about this but he said this will not change. He will have sex and then go sleep in another room. There are no kisses, no hugs.

We have a house together. We earn £50k each but have separate finances. He pays for mortgage, bills and food. I pay for childcare.

We have dinner together and then spend the evening doing separate things. On weekends, we do separate activities.

We spend maybe one day together over a month period when we spend the day with his family for an outing.

I am unhappy but I cannot bear to stay away from my DC for 50% of the time, which would happen if we were to separate.

I don’t know what to do but I’m so unhappy with DH. I only wished for someone to love me and now this will never happen.

You seem really nice OP and you deserve much better. Good luck

You sound so unhappy. It seems as though leaving would be 100% in your best interests. And for the children, it can sometimes (not always, of course) be best if a divorce occurs when they are very young, as yours are. They may be better able to adapt to the change in circumstances than older children.

However, I disagree with this point: As I good father he should not ask for 50/50. A split of 50/50 may be the very best option for your children. It's impossible to say at this stage, and as you note he may choose to avoid caring for them by using his parents for childcare. But I would argue that fathers should be as involved in raising their children as mothers. A good father should want to be with them as much as possible in the event of a divorce.

Why did you have kids if it's been like this for years.
You must have known your relationship wasn't right.
Why do you still have sex with him when you don't have feelings for him, do you not feel yuk afterwards?

put you and the kids first, see a solicitor and get out of there, life is too short.

Your latest post tells me the DC come last in your DH's life: you are there to provide all the necessary care, even when you're both working from home, you do all the sick days, the heavy lifting the evenings and weekends so he can do his 'hobbies'.

I would definitely be seeing legal advice: get a good solicitor. He brings nothing to your life.

50 50 might be ok for older kids, but young children need a primary home for secure attachment

Where did you get this rubbish from? Do you even know what a secure attachment is, when it forms and what it entails?

Anyway op, I do virtually 50/50 with my ex and really enjoy it. I get lots of time with my son and lots of time to do my own thing. I panicked about it before it happened but it’s been good

@Summer294756

I'm in the same situation but my kids are slightly older. I absolutely will not separate because I cannot bare the thought of not being with my children. Them having experiences without me that I'm not involved in, going on holidays etc. Them possibly having a step mother. The thought of that breaks my heart. I know many people do this and cope but I know my mental health would be affected so badly. Once my kids are teenagers and live more independent lives from us then I plan to do it then.

Maybe give some thought to the effect on your DC of years more living with unhappy parents? It's not just about your wants & needs. It's shit for children to grow up in a tense, loveless home. Don't kid yourself they don't notice: they do.

I’m really disgusted with this situation. I think things got that bad after DC1 was born. I should not really have had another DC knowing how bad it was.

I genuinely am a nice person. I always make time for everyone, put everyone first, etc. It just seems so unfair.

Another real fear is being on my own. I have been with DH for 10 years. I’m never in a situation where I get to meet new people, specially men who are 35+ and single.

But I cannot

Why did you have kids if it's been like this for years

Lovely piece of advice, what do you want her to do @Devlesko? Sending them back. I can assure you that every divorced/lone parent was sure that things were never going to end up like that. People change, and when they do relationships change as well. If we all could have a crystal ball... well, I guess nobody would ever marry

Of course she can't send them back, but there's no need for a crystal ball when she said it was going on for many years.
The kids are 4 and 2, hence my question. Why have kids when the relationship was so bad.

Another real fear is being on my own. I have been with DH for 10 years. I’m never in a situation where I get to meet new people, specially men who are 35+ and single.

When I left ExH everybody told me the grass was not greener and all that, I honestly didn’t care as after 10 years with ExH the last thing I wanted was another man in my life! but to my surprise I was already in a nice, lovely and healthy relationship less than 18 months after the split. There’s no guarantee that this would happen to you, BUT there is no guarantee that is not going to happen either.

With regards to your age, you would be surprised at the amount of nice recently divorced lovely men you can find in their late 30s/early 40s. Finding them, however, would depend on keeping a healthy self esteem and an active social life (you do not need to go out partying at all but having an active social life and healthy self esteem will allow you to feel comfortable with meeting new people and walk away unscathed when something doesn’t work for you).

Why have kids when the relationship was so bad?.

So strangers in the internet can judge her freely as if they were more clever than her, obviously?

Hi OP

I don't know a lot about the law in U.K. but I think there is something called right of first refusal, which means he cannot take the kids and give them to your parents without first asking you if you want them during his custody time. Maybe someone else on here knows more about this than me.

Is he abusivo, are you afraid of him? If not, why not start talking with him now about what would happen if you were to separate. The point to get across to him is that you both must act in the interests of the kids and not your own personal interest. If he thinks of it that way, he may be more flexible. Take control and draw up a schedule you'd be happy with and that would work for your kids. At their ages, little and often is better than one week on one week off or even half a week on or off. Work out the schedule that would work for you even if it's more than 50/50. It may make you feel better about it. Then decide if you want to start working on bringing him around to this possible schedule prior to you both actually agreeing to go ahead and divorce

@CraveCorn is your DH a good father because he died bath night 3 times a week? He doesn't sound like he does much else with the kids. I'm sure he loves them. And I'm not having a go, my DH doesn't even do baths, of course the kids are his world but he spend zero time with them.

[quote CraveCorn]@ivykaty44 This is a very good point. DH and I both work full time. My hours are more flexible but I still need to put 35 hours a week.

During lockdown, I did 100% of childcare when we were both WFH. DH closed himself away in the home office. I was on kitchen table with kids running around.

When kids are poorly and can’t go to nursery, I’m always the one taking care of them.

DH has evening and weekend hobbies that he cannot have kids for.

There is absolutely no way he can spend 50% of the time with them. The only thing is his parents would want the DC with them. So, DH May ask to have the DC and send them off to his parents.[/quote]
You need to discuss all of this with a solicitor. Tell him/her all of your fears.
Have this discussion before you even think about leaving.
Getting your ducks in a row is about taking charge, being prepared and knowing what you are going to do, not just about the practicalities of pensions, bank accounts and house deeds.
Talking to a solicitor doesn’t mean you have to leave, you can then think about your options and weigh up the pros and cons.

And don’t worry about being alone, being an independent woman is a very attractive thing. I doubt you’ll be alone long, but please don’t jump into another relationship just because you don’t want to be alone.
It’s a good thing to be able to be alone and enjoy your own company,

I spoke to a friend in rl who knows both DH and I well.

She gave some good advice which echoes what has been said already. This is my plan for now:

1. No more sex until we have sorted this issue.
2. I want us to see will a Relate professional. If he refuses, I will walk away. I am not sure what will happen or if we can come out of it. Sometime a long time ago, we were madly in love with each other. I still love that person. If he can find it in himself to change... Things can still be mended.
3. I understand that DH is the DC’s dad. If we got to it, I genuinely do not think that he will have them 50% of the time. His life is very busy as it is.

Once again thank you for taking the time to comment. I’m really grateful to you all.