Need to leave but can’t stand losing DC

[CraveCorn]

DH & I have 2 DC. We sleep in separate rooms and have been for many years.

I am ashamed of the situation. I have told him endless times that I’m unhappy about this but he said this will not change. He will have sex and then go sleep in another room. There are no kisses, no hugs.

We have a house together. We earn £50k each but have separate finances. He pays for mortgage, bills and food. I pay for childcare.

We have dinner together and then spend the evening doing separate things. On weekends, we do separate activities.

We spend maybe one day together over a month period when we spend the day with his family for an outing.

I am unhappy but I cannot bear to stay away from my DC for 50% of the time, which would happen if we were to separate.

I don’t know what to do but I’m so unhappy with DH. I only wished for someone to love me and now this will never happen.

Do it now whilst they're young. I waited too long.

Am blissfully happy with an amazing dh now. Exdh is still a friend but we weren't right as husband and wife. We didn't have sex.

I actually confided in my gp first. She was amazing.

Wait, he hasn’t asked for 50/50, and even if he has that doesn’t meant that he would get it. Every contact pattern has benefits and drawback depending on the situation of each parent, as long as the percentage us what works best for the children (it may be 50/50 or it may not), things will be ok.

A 50/50 situation really doesn’t have to be so bad. You could have every Mon/Tues, Dad has every Weds/Thurs, then you alternate fridays and weekends. It doesn’t have to be week on/week off.

@PlanDeRaccordement
OP doesnt want him to have 50 50. Its not about them being dumped on her.
50 50 might be ok for older kids, but young children need a primary home for secure attachment.
As she has always been the primary carer and wants the children, im reassuring her that actually this is ok, and that 50 50 isnt standard for such young children even if he asked.

Op I don't usually comment but wanted to say you need to walk away. You can't spend another 15 years unhappy. It's not good for your children to watch an unhappy marriage aa they grow up. Do you want them to be happier in their own relationships than you are now? Then you need to model good and happy living to them.

I'm in the same situation but my kids are slightly older. I absolutely will not separate because I cannot bare the thought of not being with my children. Them having experiences without me that I'm not involved in, going on holidays etc. Them possibly having a step mother. The thought of that breaks my heart. I know many people do this and cope but I know my mental health would be affected so badly.
Once my kids are teenagers and live more independent lives from us then I plan to do it then.

[quote Branleuse]@PlanDeRaccordement
OP doesnt want him to have 50 50. Its not about them being dumped on her.
50 50 might be ok for older kids, but young children need a primary home for secure attachment.
As she has always been the primary carer and wants the children, im reassuring her that actually this is ok, and that 50 50 isnt standard for such young children even if he asked.[/quote]
I was responding to the general statement that it’s better for DC to be with the mother more than 50% than a 50/50 situation. While it is ok, as you say the statement it is “better” is not necessarily true. Like you, I am also saying it is ok and can be better for children to have 50/50. I don’t want OP to think she’ll be slated as a bad and uncaring mother if she agrees to anything less than her having more than 50%. Just because she was primary care giver, does not mean the father is incapable or that it should stay that way post divorce.

[quote Branleuse]@PlanDeRaccordement
OP doesnt want him to have 50 50. Its not about them being dumped on her.
50 50 might be ok for older kids, but young children need a primary home for secure attachment.
As she has always been the primary carer and wants the children, im reassuring her that actually this is ok, and that 50 50 isnt standard for such young children even if he asked.[/quote]
It's increasingly the aim of courts. And quite rightly so. Yes her oh has more static hours, but has obviously been a good father and is involved. So to work from the premise that he should be relegated to every other weekend dad because op has female genitals is totally inappropriate.
Young children can manage having two homes. It's about how the adults manage the situation.
The children shouldn't be pawns.

I think I commented about 2 different issues.

1. Am I unhappy and should I leave DH? The answer to this is yes.

1. What is in the children’s best interest? DH is a good father but is less involved in the DC’s lives than I am. As I good father he should not ask for 50/50 and tbh I hope that we can come to a mutual agreement regarding what is in their best interest. I would be happy for contact because it is in the DC’s interest but they need stability as well and to feel safe.

For a start stop having sex with him. Must be horrible with someone who is emotionally cut off from you. This might, albeit unfairly to you, be part of the source of your feelings of shame - having sex with someone you don’t want to can make you feel this way, even though you’ve done nothing wrong.

Go and see a family lawyer to discuss your situation. Or they may do a telephone conference, especially in these circumstances.

You h may not seek 50:50 as others have said, or maybe at first when he sees the reality, but you can always fight it. My ex said he wanted 50:50 and I had to take him to court - he eventually backed down once HE had spoken to a solicitor , who must have advised him he wouldn’t get it with his working patterns etc (only guessing as of course it’s confidential). The reason I opposed was partly I knew he wouldn’t do it - he just wanted it on paper to avoid maintenance and would dump on me as and when - proved right as he doesn’t do his 5 in 14 he’s supposed to have - especially not with the youngest.

I also agree with this:

50 50 might be ok for older kids, but young children need a primary home for secure attachment.

Can be fine for teens if the parents live close to each other - and crucially, if both are on board with the fact they need to buy 50% of their stuff, which is expensive for teens. Also both must be capable of listening to their emotional woes!

I’d probably use reverse psychology and start saying that when you split up you’ll finally be able to do x, y and z and have lots of fun doing things you can’t go with the kids in tow as of course he’ll be having the kids 50% of the time’ and how much money you’ll have because you’ll be able to work and he will have to pay for nursery on the days he has the kids so you’ll only find half of the nursery cost etc etc. IMO think you’ll find he suddenly doesn’t want 50/50 custody!!

@BrieAndChilli you are 100% right on this. He hates it when I meet people anyway. I will definitely be using this. Thank you.

50:50 really isn’t too bad OP. At least everyone will be happy. You get time to do a hobby, catch up with family etc etc. It is sad to start with but you soon get use to it.

Stop the sex. No more sex. Treat him like a lodger - which he is really. See a solicitor. Ask him to move out. You can do this OP. You will be 100% happier in the long run. You will end up sick living like this.

I’m sorry but more fathers are asking for 50:50. And why shouldn’t they? Their employers will be just as flexible as if a woman asked to reduce her hours. Perhaps you could split the weeks 50:50 so that the children are not away for the full 7 days so you do 2 days/ 3 days/ 2 days rota.

’m sorry but more fathers are asking for 50:50. And why shouldn’t they? Their employers will be just as flexible as if a woman asked to reduce her hours.

This is a man that apparently would go for 50/50vout of spite, we go on that. There is nothing wrong with parents having 50/50 split and shared parenting, but this unfortunately doesn't sound like a man that would, once he realises whats involved stick to a 50/50 role and would reduce rather rapidly once the reality kicks in

I remember once my ex phoning me one morning as the dc were sick on a school day - it never crossed his mind that he was going to miss work... he swore and shouted that even though it was his time - I should stay home to care for the sick dc rather than g to work. His reasoning was that he earns money to live on...erh yes well so do I and you got the short straw today

@ivykaty44 This is a very good point. DH and I both work full time. My hours are more flexible but I still need to put 35 hours a week.

During lockdown, I did 100% of childcare when we were both WFH. DH closed himself away in the home office. I was on kitchen table with kids running around.

When kids are poorly and can’t go to nursery, I’m always the one taking care of them.

DH has evening and weekend hobbies that he cannot have kids for.

There is absolutely no way he can spend 50% of the time with them. The only thing is his parents would want the DC with them. So, DH May ask to have the DC and send them off to his parents.

[quote CraveCorn]@ivykaty44 This is a very good point. DH and I both work full time. My hours are more flexible but I still need to put 35 hours a week.

During lockdown, I did 100% of childcare when we were both WFH. DH closed himself away in the home office. I was on kitchen table with kids running around.

When kids are poorly and can’t go to nursery, I’m always the one taking care of them.

DH has evening and weekend hobbies that he cannot have kids for.

There is absolutely no way he can spend 50% of the time with them. The only thing is his parents would want the DC with them. So, DH May ask to have the DC and send them off to his parents.[/quote]
And he wouldn't be being unreasonable to do so.
His parents contact would be on his time so actually that makes sense.
It's just you dislike the idea.

You won't lose your children but I've been where you are and completely understand how you feel.

What you will get is yourself back, a chance to find happiness and happier children as a result. I'm not saying your kids are unhappy now but the older they get, the more they see and at the moment they are seeing you and their dad living separate lives. You are showing them that this is how relationships work. I'm not telling you this to guilt you, but to free you.

Good luck

Please do leave, I didn't leave because of the kids and then he left me as soon as they were grown - the wasted years. From a practical point of view, 50/50 is best, think of the things you can do, child free, look positive.

I have been where you are for exactly the same reason. My DC are now 12 and 15 so I now have to wait till exams are passed. I wish I had done the split when they were young as now I will be over 50 so will be struggling to meet anyone new. For the last 3 years we don’t even have sex !! Don’t be me :-)

Good luck xx

And as people have said I feel there is no laughter or happiness in our house and I denied that to my DC so as not to share them and in hindsight that was a massive mistake

It sounds like you are a very strong woman and a loving mother who is putting up with a horrible situation because your afraid if what might happen. From what you've said I think you will thrive after the split. The process of the split will most likely be difficult and throw up some unforseen challenges however I really think you and your children will come through and end up in a better, more healthy situation in the long run. It's a cliche but life is short , don't waste these precious years. Good luck.