Need to leave but can’t stand losing DC

[CraveCorn]

DH & I have 2 DC. We sleep in separate rooms and have been for many years.

I am ashamed of the situation. I have told him endless times that I’m unhappy about this but he said this will not change. He will have sex and then go sleep in another room. There are no kisses, no hugs.

We have a house together. We earn £50k each but have separate finances. He pays for mortgage, bills and food. I pay for childcare.

We have dinner together and then spend the evening doing separate things. On weekends, we do separate activities.

We spend maybe one day together over a month period when we spend the day with his family for an outing.

I am unhappy but I cannot bear to stay away from my DC for 50% of the time, which would happen if we were to separate.

I don’t know what to do but I’m so unhappy with DH. I only wished for someone to love me and now this will never happen.

Stop the sex. Do the housework and cooking that support you and the children and leave him to the rest. Why look after some who treats you like a prostitute.

Stop the sex and get a lover.

And be really happy in your separate room.

Husbands who don't hug have not fulfilled their side of the bargain. He's broken the marriage deal.

Husbands who don't hug are not real husbands. You feel bad because you have all of the practical involvement of being married, but not a real marriage.

I agree with @Scuzzymummy

While you should leave, ultimately it may be best for DCs to be 50/50 between you two. He may not love you, but he most probably loves and is a good father to the DC and they should not be denied that relationship. In addition, since you work FT as well, having them more than 50/50 really means you’ll be footing the bill for lots and lots of childcare when he should be paying his share of childcare as well. It will be better for you financially. In addition, once single, you have a right to look for someone who loves you. You will have time to see potential partners if the DC are with their dad half the time. You don’t need to give up on your desire to be loved by a partner. You don’t have to sacrifice that dream and just work and raise DC by yourself.

@CraveCorn I know you say you don't have anyone to talk to about this IRL but I really would think about at least one friend you can talk this through with.
It's very lonely being in a shitty relationship and if you do split, it won't be easy. It's the right thing but you'll need people around you.

If you have friends, trust them. You'd be surprised how kind and understanding most people are and actually we should all talk more.

The relief when you realise that everyone doesn't have it sussed and we don't all have our shit together. There's nothing to be ashamed of.

You deserve to be happy and feel loved and your kids deserve that too. It'll be tough when they're with him but it will be ok.
Make good use of that time, get a hobby, get out and about and the time will fly. The children will benefit from two parents who are happier apart.

Please go and see a solicitor. You're assuming that the court will decide 50/50 and you could well be wrong. It's also a good idea to write down all your issues with him and back date up to the last 3 years any concerns.

I’m sorry OP, but you are not in such a bad situation and you are worrying and stoping yourself from leaving due to an hypothetical situation that may not even materialise: 50/50 residence.

Courts will focus on the children’s wellbeing, given you work from home, are the main carer of the children, and the children are so young, a 50/50 you disagree with is simply NOT going to happen. I agree he can try to take them off you out of spite and that his family could help him BUT do not underestimate your strength, you love these children and would do everything for them, Including fighting a legal battle that your good income can help you sponsor.

Also, do not underestimate his selfishness, sorry to point out the obvious but, if he is only using you for sex, he is not going to fight back much, he would probably agree with you immediately that splitting is for the best and try to get you to agree to a contact pattern that gives him the least trouble, possibly starting with alternate weekend and wednesdays as the vast majority of divorced parents.

I understand you are apprehensive of letting him take care of the kids away from you BUT, you will also need that time away to rebuild your life, and I’m not talking about getting a new partner straight away but about rebuilding the life you want for you and your children. Those alternate weekends are heaven to catch up with stuff at home, prepare for the week undisturbed and keep your sanity, it is not easy to be in charge 24/7, these “breaks” allow you to keep sane. I used those breaks to do house chores, get groceries, cook for the whole week, sometimes drive down to the coast on my own, have a coffee with a supportive friend without having to care about my child listening to the conversation or sitting in silence in the living room trying to work out who I was, what my wishes and needs were as I had spent so much time working around other people’s needs and wants I had totally forgotten what was that I wanted and needed.

I would also like to mention that divorce is a massively empowering experience. You will find your feet and with that your strength. I won’t say it will be easy (far from it) but after the initial shock and disputes, your life and the life of your children will be much much better. You really don’t want your kids growing up modelling their idea of what a relationship should be on what you and your husband have (and aiming themselves for such a relationship as that’s what they saw at home).

Be brave, if anything I can say (and I’m sure 10000000s of divorced people agree) is that it is far more difficult to take the decision to leave than dealing with the consequences of it.

Best of luck (and lots of courage)

I too was terrified of missing the children. It takes some getting used to, but now I almost look forward to the time the children are with their Dad-I can meet friends, run errands, tidy the house, chill out; do all the things that are harder or not possible with little children around. I promise that you will be happier if you make the decision. At the moment you’re unhappy all the time; even if you miss the children you will only be unhappy some of the time, as the rest of the time when it’s just you and the children your life will be happier

And remember... a happy mother is a much better mother.

Fantastic post from @TheMotherofAllDilemmas

Why shouldn't your husband (or all husbands as long as they aren't abusive) share the children 50/50?

I am completely overwhelmed by the support here, thank you so much for taking the time to read and to comment.

@TheMotherofAllDilemmas Thank you, this really helps.

You are right. DH is not a good husband but he is not a bad father. I am sure that he loves the DC very much and he will want the best for them too.

I keep saying that I am ashamed because I have allowed myself to get into a situation where a man clearly does not love me and is using me for sex. And I am allowing it. I am stopping this.

The only thing I would say is that I wish I had got divorced 10 / 12 years ago, instead of 2. I was also very scared and it is true that it is a different ball game when your dc are small (when my ex moved out mine were 12, 14 and 16), but it is also your life.

To be blunt I think I would have had a much higher chance of meeting someone else if I had left 10 years ago - instead I stayed with someone who like your husband, showed me no affection, used to give me the silent treatment, and whom I used to walk on eggshells around.

I think you need to do your research and see a solicitor and take it from there.

And boy when I finally did that and claimed my voice did it feel good. (My ex hates me but I no longer give a shit!! Who would have thought that!)

I keep saying that I am ashamed because I have allowed myself to get into a situation where a man clearly does not love me and is using me for sex. And I am allowing it. I am stopping this.

You are just craving affection which is totally normal.
You will probably feel better if you put your foot down though.

50 50 isnt standard as it wouldnt be best for the child. If you offered him weekends or every other weekend then it would be seen as you facilitating contact and cooperative and unlikely to win 50 50

@Branleuse

50 50 isnt standard as it wouldnt be best for the child. If you offered him weekends or every other weekend then it would be seen as you facilitating contact and cooperative and unlikely to win 50 50

Its cultural gender prejudice that ends up dumping the DCs mostly on mums. Nothing to do with what is best for them.

Id call his bluff over the 50/50

As soon as he realises you want the children with him due to "getting on with your own social life" he won't want to be "babysitter"

His parents may help at first but they aren't going to be cooking and cleaning for him for very long and he doe very little now so it would be a big shock for him to do even 30% of the childcare let alone 50%

When he finds out how much qrap round child care costs to allow him to work he will be not be happy

You just need to make sure your very happy for him to have the children and actively encourage it so you get your own time...

Someone can be a very bad partner and a very good parent, but that doesn’t mean you need to stay for the children, as the unhappiness/frustrations of the relationship will eventually start to hurt the children. It is not divorce that damages children, but the nastiness that precedes it, better to part sooner in better terms that allow you to co parent effectively separately, than leaving it until you are fighting all the time and the children are submerged in such toxicity.

It is a fantastic and a very healthy thing that you are already taking partial responsibility for the situation as that also gives you the strength to change it. Just don’t berate yourself! .

Everybody makes mistakes and you are on route to rectify yours, and that is far more courageous than staying in an unhappy relationship petrified with fear of change. During my divorce process, somebody told me “don’t be a victim, it disempowers you”, despite of it looking like unkind advice she was very right. When you blame the situation (fully) on others, the power to improve the situation shifts from you to the aggressor therefore things would only become better if the aggressor changes (and he won’t). While, if you take responsibility you keep the power to change the situation yourself and you will, just be patient and kind with yourself, you didn’t get in this position in a day, so it is going to take a while to revert/change to the life you want to have. By accepting your responsibility, you are already miles ahead

In a nutshell, don’t let people convince you it is ALL his fault (even if it is), this can cloud your judgement and remove all your strength. You seem to be a strong capable woman, don’t let anyone, however good intentioned, take that perception away from you.

Don't have sex with him for starters

I agree, tell him no sex and get a lock on your bedroom door.
Then contact a family solicitor and get your ducks in a row.
This is not your fault, if he won’t have a normal husband/wife relationship then you are well within your rights to separate.
And let family or friends know so that you have support.

@CraveCorn

DH works office hours. He could have them if they went to breakfast club etc. Our nursery can accommodate 7.30 am to 6 pm if needed. Although I would argue that they are better off with me than nursery. My work is totally flexible, I don’t have set hours.

Is he a hands on parent? I do all the cooking in the house for everyone, including different meals for DC if there is something they don’t eat. I do the majority of childcare. He cooks their tea once a week at most. For baths, we take turn.

I don’t think that he should have the kids 50% of the time.

Bit nothing you have written here, justifies why he shouldn't have the children 5050. Arguably using family is better than nursery. And his right to choose how to care for them if he's working etc. In the same way you choose to use the nursery to facilitate your more flexible working. Ultimately, if you choose to opt out of the current situation, without attempting to Improve it, you have to accept that he may well no more than you wish to have less than 5050 contact with his children either. The situation sounds difficult. But I don't think that your wishes trump his. The best interests of the children are what's key here and that would be if you split maintaining the same level of contact with both parents, shared homes. Your wants don't trump the children's best interests. I get that it seems an awful place, but tbh it doesn't sound as awful as the alternative.

Just came on to say what Bobbins expressed so beautifully upthread; trust your friends. If you are already struggling with a sense of shame, then the loneliness of not being able to share what is happening in your life with anyone in RL makes it a very sad place. The relief of talking things over with your friends, or at least one, will help relieve the shame and put things in perspective. Feeling the genuine care and concern of other people as you hear yourself speak the things you have only hitherto ground over and over in your mind is both healing and empowering. It'll give you back a sense of integrity, knowing you are not living in the shadow of this shame anymore.
Wishing you courage and strength, OP.