Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

It's a mil one

97 replies

volvicwater · 07/08/2020 15:10

I don't know if I'm being silly.
When my dc was born my mil told me she was done with baby's as she's already had all of her own, she had no interest and visited maybe twice in my dc first year despite not being far away. I offered her to help out if she wanted to etc and she said no thanks she's not interested.
Now BIL has had a baby and lives far away. So far she's told BIL and wife how involved she was in my dc life when they were born (absolute lie) and visited the new gc several times buying presents etc. MIL has bought one present since my dc was born (now 6yo) and originally she told us she's too poor to afford to buy anything. I feel like even a gift from pound shop would be better than nothing at all.

For new gc it's been massive presents like high chair and baby seat etc.
Aibu to be hurt? Am I being immature. I am really hurt even so. My dh said I am being silly that it doesn't matter how she is with one gc compared to another. I would agree if it was something like she got my dc a smaller present rather than nothing at all but it seems fairly obvious that my dc isn't anything to her and the new gc is.

On top of this, she's lying about it how 'involved' she was and making group chats involving me telling my dh whole family all about what a wonderful gp she has been all these years.
Dh did say something to her along the lines of I don't remember you doing any of that to which MIL said you don't remember anything though do you.
Tbf to dh I sat and said nothing. I don't know if me even saying anything will do anything. Just want to see if IABU as my dh say I am but I just don't know how to place my feelings here. It's making me hate my dh as well which I know is irrational!

OP posts:

farandfew · 07/08/2020 15:27

I don't think you're BU and I can see how hurtful this is, but I don't think I would say anything. It won't make a difference or make up for the last six years. Correct any false comments if you want but I think the best thing to do is to take the moral high ground, ignore her as much as possible, and enjoy your DC

CalmdownJanet · 07/08/2020 15:31

Call her out on it "Mary please let's not try to rewrite history or blame dh's memory, you have been a useless grandmother to DC, you have bought them one gift in 6 years, you said from day 1 you had your children and had no interest in ours and you have continued to have no interest. If you want to change the future that is fine but do not try to rewrite the past"

peakygal · 07/08/2020 15:33

My MIL was the exact same. Thankfully since DH died for whatever reason she completely went NC with us so no more of her petty crap

FlySheMust · 07/08/2020 15:34

@CalmdownJanet

Perfect

Bargebill19 · 07/08/2020 15:35

Yanbu. Call her out on this everytime. (On the other hand maybe she does have memory problems?)
Back up your DH - not many would stand up to his mum.

enidblyton33 · 07/08/2020 15:38

I know it’s difficult as it involves your dc but just ignore her and be thankful a person like this won’t be a major part of your dc life. Let her spend her time with the other side of the family.
My FIL verbally ranked his grandchildren in the order he liked them - I couldn’t believe he said it out loud. He is extremely self centred and never asks after either of my dc. I’ve just learnt to tolerate him as he’s my husband’s dad.

Fromage · 07/08/2020 15:41

By any chance, did you have a boy, and BIL a girl?

SleepingStandingUp · 07/08/2020 15:41

I would definitely keep correcting"facts" so if she mentions how she's bright them all so much say "New baby is so lucky to have you buying ask these things, I know money was to tight for you to help when our baby can't along" or similar

Hepcat75 · 07/08/2020 15:43

I wondered that, Fromage.

Justjoshin22 · 07/08/2020 15:45

I would be hurt too, OP.
I think it is worth calling out, or it will eat at you, but I’d not let on how much it has bothered you. Keep it matter of fact.
‘Sorry MIL, I didn’t realise that’s how you remembered things. I didn’t think you were ever particularly interested in DS.’ Or ‘MIL I think it’s lovely you’re interested in GC2 however it’s disingenuous to make out you have a relationship with DS. It’s not an issue but let’s be real’

LillianBland · 07/08/2020 15:45

It sounds like she’s planning on playing the golden child game with the grandchildren. Did she happen to do that with your son and his brother? One is the golden child and the other is second rate. It results in problems for both children, as one ends up feeling suffocated and the other is so grateful for any scraps of kindness thrown their way that they let the parent away with all the bad behaviour.

WiddlinDiddlin · 07/08/2020 15:50

I would calmly/politely but firmly correct these 'facts' each time.. everytime with the same response..

'That did not happen MIL, please stop re-writing history'.

Giving the same dull but firm response each time should eventually shut her up and stop her doing this - it won't change how she is with your DC, but it should stop the fantasy version being passed around.

BlueJava · 07/08/2020 15:52

Personally I wouldn't bother with the drama. I'd just ignore and let her get on it, if MIL doesn't want involvement take that as a bonus. My MIL treats all her kids, the OHs and kids very differently - I just distance, sit back and watch the shenanigans sometimes. Better to be on the sidelines than dealing with it.

BlogTheBlogger · 07/08/2020 15:55

@CalmdownJanet

This is a very good, unemotional and clear response

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/08/2020 15:56

I'd correct her every time, too.

I can promise you one thing, though - when she is incapable of looking after herself, her golden child won't be anywhere to be seen - she will come whining your DH and yourself to chase round after her.

Don't.

Drinkingallthewine · 07/08/2020 15:58

Is there a difference in genders between the two grandchildren?

It's a minor issue now when it's a newborn and a 6yo but a very different issue when they are old enough to notice Granny gets one grandchild loads of stuff and gets yours fuck all. Ask your DH how he's going to explain that when it happens?

My DM wasn't as bad but she definitely favours my sisters children. Since DS was a toddler she wanted to meet me on my lunch break for a catch up rather than me visit with DS who only got totally ignored and got bored on the visits. Now she's miffed that DS8 has zero interest in visiting granny now because and that he loved his other granny who actually spent time with him. I just shrugged and pointed out that we do lunch meetups at her request. Reap what you sow really.

Brefugee · 07/08/2020 15:59

meh - she obviously has a problem with you. Would it ruin your relationship if you said "oh MIL you're so funny, you barely visited us"?

MulticolourMophead · 07/08/2020 16:02

@SchadenfreudePersonified

I'd correct her every time, too.

Don't.

This.

I've seen this happen before.

Alexandernevermind · 07/08/2020 16:02

Love love love the @CalmdownJanet suggestion. Do keep correcting. I would be hurt too in your position, not for the stuff or support, just for the blatant favouritism. Don't hold on to the anger though, as this will hurt you more than it will her.

Original poster

volvicwater · 07/08/2020 16:06

No we have dd BIL has ds. MIL has told me a baby boy is far harder to raise than a girl. Not sure if she's being genuine or just winding me up. I do ignore everything but it does upset me.
I agree I'm probably better off not saying anything.

I don't want dd to have no relationship as it's her gp but at the same time I feel like what's the point, I feel like I'm fighting against the tide trying to force a relationship and I don't want to end up stuck in some kind of play off against BIL family that we are always going to lose anyway.

OP posts:

jammyjoey · 07/08/2020 16:08

Youve nothing to lose so i just pull her up on everything she lies about, my GM made differences between myself and cousins making it obvious they were her favourite, it can make a child feel rubbish so i wouldnt let it continue

Original poster

volvicwater · 07/08/2020 16:11

@CalmdownJanet yes i think I might at least correct her. She even told dd all about the magical times she looked after her. She's never once looked after her.
Each birthday would come around and she'd come round to be fair but no present. I found that odd but now she's going ott on the new baby it feels like it's been on purpose all this time.

I think I will ask her to recall what things she bought dd when she was born as I can't 'remember'. She actually listed everything she got new dc (large £££ items) and said how excited she was to buy so many new clothes now. I do feel so dumb sitting there in silence.

OP posts:

howfarwevecome · 07/08/2020 16:11

I'd call her out on it. And it does matter going forward how she treats them both.

katy1213 · 07/08/2020 16:11

OH, the drama of Mumsnet! Call her out ??? What, like fisticuffs outside the pub?
Yes, you are being silly. It doesn't matter that you didn't get a high chair or a baby seat - your daughter is six now!

Original poster

volvicwater · 07/08/2020 16:12

@katy1213 even if it continues and dd gets nothing now? Or are you saying because it's a baby it's different?

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.