It's a mil one

[volvicwater]

I don't know if I'm being silly.
When my dc was born my mil told me she was done with baby's as she's already had all of her own, she had no interest and visited maybe twice in my dc first year despite not being far away. I offered her to help out if she wanted to etc and she said no thanks she's not interested.
Now BIL has had a baby and lives far away. So far she's told BIL and wife how involved she was in my dc life when they were born (absolute lie) and visited the new gc several times buying presents etc. MIL has bought one present since my dc was born (now 6yo) and originally she told us she's too poor to afford to buy anything. I feel like even a gift from pound shop would be better than nothing at all.

For new gc it's been massive presents like high chair and baby seat etc.
Aibu to be hurt? Am I being immature. I am really hurt even so. My dh said I am being silly that it doesn't matter how she is with one gc compared to another. I would agree if it was something like she got my dc a smaller present rather than nothing at all but it seems fairly obvious that my dc isn't anything to her and the new gc is.

On top of this, she's lying about it how 'involved' she was and making group chats involving me telling my dh whole family all about what a wonderful gp she has been all these years.
Dh did say something to her along the lines of I don't remember you doing any of that to which MIL said you don't remember anything though do you.
Tbf to dh I sat and said nothing. I don't know if me even saying anything will do anything. Just want to see if IABU as my dh say I am but I just don't know how to place my feelings here. It's making me hate my dh as well which I know is irrational!

I have to say, your MIl sounds like a rather unpleasant loony. I agree with PP what she seems to be treating your BIL’s baby as the golden child. This is a common tactic among narcissists, and can be horribly damaging for the children involved. Have a read up on it if you haven’t already. Her invented stories that show her in a positive light as the devoted GM also suggest a narcissistic personality, so I would bear that in mind.

My father is a narcissist, and several months ago I went NC with him, as he had decided my DD was the golden child, while my poor DS was systematically ignored and excluded. This (among other reasons) led to my decision to cut him out of our lives in order to protect my DC. Obviously, the two children in your situation are cousins rather than siblings, so you may be able to employ damage limitation without going NC, but if I were you, I would keep my eye on things to make sure your MIL’s behaviour doesn’t have a negative impact on your DC.

I doubt there’s any point to you saying anything to the woman, to be honest, although you’d be perfectly within your rights to do so. If she is a narcissist, she will enjoy the drama of the confrontation, and it will likely encourage her.

With regards to your DH, I too would be cross at his refusal to acknowledge that what his DM is doing is very wrong. I doubt there’s anything he could do or say to change her behaviour, but it would be a huge comfort to you if he at least acknowledged that what she is doing is so clearly unacceptable. I think you must have a very calm and honest chat with him about your feelings, and ask him about his too, because this sort of resentment can build and could have disastrous consequences for you as a couple. But bear in mind, if this woman employed similar tactics while he was growing up, he will see all this as fairly normal, and it may be difficult to get him to see that it’s not. Best of luck, OP.

Oh, and ignore the PP who seems to think your MiL’s behaviour is perfectly acceptable. Your DC stands to be very badly hurt by this woman’s behaviour, so why should you just accept it?

Thanks. That's my main concern really, where will all this end up. I don't want my dc to be hurt. Right now not receiving a birthday present is easy to get away with because dd is still young but I see this getting worse as time goes on. I am happy for BIL getting big presents and having help
look after the baby etc but I'm not happy MIL pretending she was the same with dd and was unsure if I can call her out.

I feel like dh should but it's not going to happen. Think I will start saying something now. And yes I like the bit about I'm fine for her being able to change the future if that's what she wants but she shouldn't be lying about the past.

We have the same situation. At first, dh told me I was being silly but now he can see it for himself. My DC are largely ignored now that my SIL had a daughter 4 years ago. I've called my PILS out on it. Unfortunately, it doesn't really change anything. It just makes me seem like the bad guy to their extended family. From experience, I would call her out on it but also reach out to BIL and his family separately and try and strengthen your child's relationship with her baby cousin. As i've learned, there's no point harbouring resentment to them and their child. They've done nothing wrong. I get on really well with my SIL and her daughter now and it has made me feel less bitter. My PILs ignore my children and their son, DH, but then expect us to help them out with money once every so often. It's an absolute joke.

Good luck. And rest assured that although not nice, this is a really common scenario!

Just ring BIL or his wife, and tell them the truth "There's something I n eed to tell you. . MIL has had barely any contact with DC since birth and that was her insistence, she told us she wasn't interested in babies. I don't know why she didn't want to see DC, and I don't know why she 's pretending she did. But I just won't go along with her lying about it. Now you know."

    Frankly,  it sounds as if having minimal  contact from  the mad /bad granny  makes you the lucky ones,  and you should try to keep it that way.

You could comment something like ‘it’s such a shame DD hasn’t seen you in a while- we’d love for her to be comfortable enough to stay at Granny’s now she’s bigger, what do you think?’

You're not being silly. Has mil got form for these kind of things or is this completely odd behaviour? No-one has mentioned dementia yet....could that be a possibility?

Wait till your kids next birthday and ask on the WhatsApp group if she needed ideas for presents

Ah, good old dementia...it's a poor second to autism, perhaps third even behind depression on MN when it comes to defending people who are simply behaving like dickheads.

Ha- if you want to really puss her off you could suggest to the BIL you’re worried she’s got dementia as she was never interested in your kid, I’m sure it would eventually get back to her and you could swear blind you were ‘only concerned!’

A boy, Sunshine.

All her kids are lovely - but yes, her DD is hard work and when she hit puberty she was a nightmare (as was mine - as was I! )

Although that’s irrelevant, gps should love them all the same.

We can agree on this point!

@BitOfFun I've seen my SIL behave like a dickhead, because she is. I've sadly also seen my dad 'behave like a dickhead' which was not really like him and he was later diagnosed with alzheimers. Silly me for even considering this...

@SchadenfreudePersonified

A boy, Sunshine.

All her kids are lovely - but yes, her DD is hard work and when she hit puberty she was a nightmare (as was mine - as was I! )

I have two boys and a girl and think my boys are more straightforward. I wasn't able to try for another girl to have the comparison.

Are you sure she's actually bought these things? Has your BIL confirmed it?

Schadenfreude - None of the ones I’m talking about are anywhere near puberty tho. All are 7 and under. So I reserve the right to change my mind in 12 years

What InTheWings said.

Also I wouldnt call her out because she is a bullshitter. You say she didnt buy stuff. She says she did. You say she is making it up. She says you're lying and being hurtful. You say to prove what she bought. She says it was 6 years ago how can she. You're not going to get anywhere.

I think she likes your husbands brother more than your husband, or she doesnt like you, or she thinks having a son is better than a daughter

The only time I'd say that its definitely not acceptable would be if she treats the 2 GC differently infront of each other. As that's really not on.

Or, is your husband close to his brother? He could ask him what he thinks is going on and see if they can include your daughter a bit more.

Next time she messages in the group about a gift, I'd say, "that's lovely - does that mean you'll buy birthday presents for your first GC, now,too - that would be lovely?"

Yanbu

It's hurtful when grand parents play favourite, even worse and more frustrating when they fail to realise or lie about it.

For years before we went NC with my mil I had to buy our son a gift 'from her' at Christmas as she would always only buy a gift for DD.

After a couple of years we tolerated it but then went NC and are much better for it

I've seen the gifts so they definitely happened. Definitely not dementia. Mad grandparent maybe!
When she said she wasn't interested in dd we clearly misunderstood and thought she actually meant she didn't like baby's in general, that she's done with them after her own dc until now.
Of course we wished she was one of the gp who are more involved but accepted that wasn't going to happen.
Until now when MIL told us how wonderful new baby is and what she's bought for it so far. New baby is wonderful. But it's MIL and ignoring dd that is upsetting me.

Its also making me wonder what other lies she's told over the years.

@JBizz oh yes MIL always hints at receiving the gift from gc around birthday and Christmas. I've stopped that now though.

What does your DH think of it all?

YANBU. Make it clear she wasn't involved with your DC and DH memory is fine. Sympathy is with you, my GP were the same as a child, very invested in my cousins lives but visited us maybe 3 times since we was children. Where's cousins who lived miles away got visits most weekends

@mogtheexcellent dh thinks its up to MIL if she wants to buy the others big presents and not dd but he does know it's not normal to turn up at a child's birthday party each year with no present and can't explain that one.

I know it's up to her but I don't think it's ok. And my main concern is that dd will notice. Sounds like some pp have been through this already. Shame really.

Another possibility to throw out there is could it be partly peer and social media driven? I’m wondering whether 6 years ago many of her peers were becoming grandparents and was SM as pervasive amongst them?
I do suspect that in some cases, all the drama over first sleepovers at Granny’s and this bloody “alone time” is fuelled by competitive grandparenting online.
Perhaps MIL has felt she missed a trick and is going all out now.

It’s such a pain as SM can be so misleading, that photograph captioned “First cuddles at granny’s house!” may well have the baby’s mum and dad 2 feet out of shot, but other people see it and think “Linda’s daughter lets her have HER grandson over and he can’t be more than 6 weeks old!”.
Obviously it could just be favouritism. Whichever it is, it is deeply unpleasant and of course you must minimise the hurt to your children.

None of the ones I’m talking about are anywhere near puberty tho. All are 7 and under. So I reserve the right to change my mind in 12 years

That's fair enough Koala