It's a mil one

[volvicwater]

I don't know if I'm being silly.
When my dc was born my mil told me she was done with baby's as she's already had all of her own, she had no interest and visited maybe twice in my dc first year despite not being far away. I offered her to help out if she wanted to etc and she said no thanks she's not interested.
Now BIL has had a baby and lives far away. So far she's told BIL and wife how involved she was in my dc life when they were born (absolute lie) and visited the new gc several times buying presents etc. MIL has bought one present since my dc was born (now 6yo) and originally she told us she's too poor to afford to buy anything. I feel like even a gift from pound shop would be better than nothing at all.

For new gc it's been massive presents like high chair and baby seat etc.
Aibu to be hurt? Am I being immature. I am really hurt even so. My dh said I am being silly that it doesn't matter how she is with one gc compared to another. I would agree if it was something like she got my dc a smaller present rather than nothing at all but it seems fairly obvious that my dc isn't anything to her and the new gc is.

On top of this, she's lying about it how 'involved' she was and making group chats involving me telling my dh whole family all about what a wonderful gp she has been all these years.
Dh did say something to her along the lines of I don't remember you doing any of that to which MIL said you don't remember anything though do you.
Tbf to dh I sat and said nothing. I don't know if me even saying anything will do anything. Just want to see if IABU as my dh say I am but I just don't know how to place my feelings here. It's making me hate my dh as well which I know is irrational!

Look at it this way: you have NOTHING to lose by calling her out on it and countering every single claim she's made. She already does zero for your family or your baby, has shown no interest, and 1 present in 6 years for the child. So you have nothing to lose, really. If things stay the same, so what?

No we have dd BIL has ds.

I wondered if it were this way round.

I'm sorry she's bringing such nonsense to your door. It's certainly difficult to correct such legacies once they exist and people's self-delusion can be extraordinary.

Be open to a relationship but it doesn't sound like there's anything in it for you to try and force one where no natural affection exists: it wouldn't feel sincere to your DD and children are sensitive to this and know when others are unfairly preferred to them.

Definitely write what @CalmdownJanet has put, it’s absolutely perfect.

I’d call her out on it as this will continue on through your DDs life and I would be damned if I would allow my child to feel second best.

Your DH needs to have a serious word. I mean, if she flips out and goes NC on you it doesn't really seem like it'll be much different anyway so I would take a punt.

Well, she can buy presents for whomever she pleases. And the gift of high chairs or whatever isn't a gift for the baby, it's for the parents. Maybe she prefers the other daughter-in-law, or the other son.

When you say, 'I offered her to help out' I'm not sure what you mean - offered her the golden opportunity to help out? And she was underwhelmed by the chance to offer free childcare? Maybe it stems from that.

I would say " I was unaware that you all had an older sibling who had a child before us because unfortunately we were not the recipients of such levels of help nor presents"

I’d be extremely annoyed at the lies and as pp have said I’d keep correcting it. Also as a grandchild who quite obviously wasn’t favoured by either set of grandparents it really stings and is very noticeable. In fact I’d go so far to say if my parents were doing this to my dc I’d rather they had no contact. I got absolutely nothing emotionally positive from my relationship with any of my grandparents and lots of negative emotions. I learned early on I was no ones favourite. (I’m an only so it didn’t affect any siblings to share it with).

When my grandparents died my cousins spoke of people I’d seemingly never met, that doting gran who waited for them after school, or the granddad who paid for all their driving lessons etc. When one house was cleared out there were over 50 pictures up of cousins and not one of me. It basically stemmed from both my parents being the black sheep/non golden children and I was just a continuation of that.

I’d stop putting up with this now OP.

@katy1213 I meant help out in the way she's helping BIL as in I didn't stop her as some people on mn say they stop the gp helping. We've never had free childcare so that's not where I was coming from, I genuinely meant if she wanted to be involved she could be, even if it's me looking after dd and she just comes to visit.

I didn't think preferring your own dc extends onto the grandchildren I don't think that's right but not much I can do about that.

@katy1213

OH, the drama of Mumsnet! Call her out ??? What, like fisticuffs outside the pub? Yes, you are being silly. It doesn't matter that you didn't get a high chair or a baby seat - your daughter is six now!

Not sure who's being the dramatic one here, but it's not OP. All she's asking it whether she should correct the lies that her MIL is peddling on the family WA chat. I definitely would, OP. Next time she bangs on about how much she looked after her GC, just ask "Which GC? Because you haven't ever babysat DD, remember? And you've only ever bought her one gift. You told us when she was born that you were done with babies and you've stuck to that for six years.' What have you got to lose?

You are letting your dh be put down to salve a woman who is a useless lying grandparent and sounds like a shit mother too to criticise her son like she has.

Obviously you don't need or want anything from her, and your child deserves better than her, but don't let her rewrite history.

My MiL was always very involved with my 3 dc and my 15 year old is gutted he can't go for a sleep over and day out with them due to covid. She put the time in, she's reaped the benefits.

Is she saying this stuff mainly on a WhatsApp type group? If so, just leave it.

YANBU. I can’t abide lies so I would call her out on it every time in the group chat. Not emotionally. Just factually state “No that didn’t happen as you only came twice” or “No you never bought us that, we bought it from .....” etc.

Though to be fair it sounds like your DH is a bit of a wet lettuce if he thinks YABU.

The inequality of the relationship is hurtful. Given your husband's response, it sounds like he's used to playing second fiddle to his sibling, and that's probably the reason she's treating the grandchildren so differently.

Your husband may choose to ignore it, but you're not wrong to be bothered, and I guarantee that as your daughter gets older, if she sees or hears the disparity between how her grandmother treats her versus her cousin, she'll notice and also feel hurt by it. It's not materialistic to expect a grandmother to give both her grandchildren gifts and not exclude one for no earthly reason.

I might choose to ignore her if she were doing these things quietly and never in my presence, but when she fabricates tales of what a wonderful grandmother she's been right in front of you (in a FB group chat where you're a participant), I'd find it difficult to bite my tongue.

As PP have said, you don't seem to have much to lose by contradicting her crazy rewriting of history (unless your husband will be angry, in which case I'd be taking it up with him, too!). She's being horrible, and I wouldn't feel bad about telling her so, in one way or another.

And over my dead body would I ever lift a finger to help her, now or in the future, if she treated my child so poorly! I'd tell DH that straight away so he knows what to expect.

OH, the drama of Mumsnet! Call her out ??? What, like fisticuffs outside the pub?

I thought it was fairly commonly understood that to call out behaviour means say it out loud. Call being another term for speaking aloud or to name something. Not sure where fighting and pubs come into it.

I’d be extremely annoyed at the lies and as pp have said I’d keep correcting it. Also as a grandchild who quite obviously wasn’t favoured by either set of grandparents it really stings and is very noticeable

^^ This - I did the correcting people thing - and it did stop but more importantly meant I felt it had been dealth with so wasn't getting as annoyed.

I'd also agree with the GP favorisim - had that from both sides - and frankly was less bothered about it with side we saw much less of- and was more upset with GP we saw every week favouring cousins.

Absolutely call MIL out on her lies. What CalmdownJanet said is perfect.

No we have dd BIL has ds. MIL has told me a baby boy is far harder to raise than a girl

This is bollox! Boys are much easier.

Girls know their own minds from day 1 in my (admittedly very limited) experience.

Everyone I know who has both says that although they wouldn't ever swap any of their children - the girls were harder work.

(My NDN got pregnant unexpectedly for the third time, already having one of each, and prayed for another boy. She said she'd sleep with a football under her pillow if she thought it would work)

And before anyone slams me, this is a light-hearted comment, and I know it depends on the individual child etc etc etc.

But boys are easier . . .

Similar ils op. Ds is 25 now and they recite tales of pure shite. It's only the fact ds has mh issues that keep me quiet. They have stepped up since he got to adult age but as a dc he didn't really exist.. None of my 3 with exh did.
Sil it seemed gave birth to Jesus himself..
In your shoes I would make a mental note to post facts contradicting her shite for a week. Then disengage and leave the groups. Tell dh you are having nothing to do with her.

You do have to say something - saying nothing or trying to take the high ground will embolden her. Nip it in the bud now otherwise face years and years of this. It's not about whether she buys her gc something or not, it's the lying and rewriting history that has to stop.

@CalmdownJanet reply was perfect.

She sounds pretty toxic, tbh.

What grandparent doesn't bother to see their first new born grandchild as much as possible?

She either has a big favouritism gap between your DH and his brother, or she has some issue with you.

Have you brought a national, religious or racial diversity to the family?

Whatever the answer to all this, you can do nothing about it. Your DH is in a horrible position and it must be very upsetting for him.

I do think it is fair enough to correct facts, but I would do it without any of the accusations, value judgements or passive aggression which features in suggestions so far.

"This is not how we remember it, or what happened - and you yourself said you had had your time with babies and that is what you stuck with" is enough.

I would be seething, but seething gets you nowhere, so in the end you have to shrug and move on. Let your dd enjoy time with family who do value her.

I think katy must be a favoured DIL to have this response. YANBU to be pissed off. It is one thing to now pile on the gifts and praise it is another to re-write history saying what a wonderful gp she has been so far.

Do you think the distance thing comes into it? ie she won't be able to offer childcare but could do babysitting occasionally?

I think that there is a lot of emphasis on a "relationship" with a gp, but if that gp is uninterested or nasty in any way then why should a relationship continue? I had one absolutely lovely Grandma and one fucking awful, critical and cruel one. I wish my parents had cut her out of our lives.

What did she have @SchadenfreudePersonified?

@SchadenfreudePersonified

No we have dd BIL has ds. MIL has told me a baby boy is far harder to raise than a girl

This is bollox! Boys are much easier.

Girls know their own minds from day 1 in my (admittedly very limited) experience.

Everyone I know who has both says that although they wouldn't ever swap any of their children - the girls were harder work.

(My NDN got pregnant unexpectedly for the third time, already having one of each, and prayed for another boy. She said she'd sleep with a football under her pillow if she thought it would work)

And before anyone slams me, this is a light-hearted comment, and I know it depends on the individual child etc etc etc.

But boys are easier . . .

Have to disagree with you there. I’ve got 2 boys and a girl and friends with both. I’ve had 2 nannies who have worked for 20 years with plenty of children. I’m friends with people who work at nurseries and pre schools. Not one has said girls are harder. Every single one says boys are much harder.

Although that’s irrelevant, gps should love them all the same.

I completely disagree with those posters saying to keep quiet and ignore what she is saying. That attitude might be okay when young children aren’t involved, but definitely not in this situation.

You really need to say something and pull her up on the lies she is telling, even if it means she falls out with you and goes n/c. How do you think your child will feel, if she hears that her cousin gets lots of presents and attention, whilst she gets nothing. If the cousins ever spend time together it won’t take long for your dd to realise how unimportant she is to her gran, whereas her cousin is the golden child.

Do not underestimate how much this could damage your child and make her feel inferior. Your dd doesn’t deserve this and she will wonder what she has done wrong, that granny doesn’t love her like she loves her cousin. To be honest I would completely call out your mil and go n/c anyway, your mil doesn’t deserve a relationship with your family, never mind one (as pathetic as it is) with her granddaughter.