It's a mil one

[volvicwater]

I don't know if I'm being silly.
When my dc was born my mil told me she was done with baby's as she's already had all of her own, she had no interest and visited maybe twice in my dc first year despite not being far away. I offered her to help out if she wanted to etc and she said no thanks she's not interested.
Now BIL has had a baby and lives far away. So far she's told BIL and wife how involved she was in my dc life when they were born (absolute lie) and visited the new gc several times buying presents etc. MIL has bought one present since my dc was born (now 6yo) and originally she told us she's too poor to afford to buy anything. I feel like even a gift from pound shop would be better than nothing at all.

For new gc it's been massive presents like high chair and baby seat etc.
Aibu to be hurt? Am I being immature. I am really hurt even so. My dh said I am being silly that it doesn't matter how she is with one gc compared to another. I would agree if it was something like she got my dc a smaller present rather than nothing at all but it seems fairly obvious that my dc isn't anything to her and the new gc is.

On top of this, she's lying about it how 'involved' she was and making group chats involving me telling my dh whole family all about what a wonderful gp she has been all these years.
Dh did say something to her along the lines of I don't remember you doing any of that to which MIL said you don't remember anything though do you.
Tbf to dh I sat and said nothing. I don't know if me even saying anything will do anything. Just want to see if IABU as my dh say I am but I just don't know how to place my feelings here. It's making me hate my dh as well which I know is irrational!

One year my batshit MIL was attending family Xmas dinner at her DD’s house. Her DS was also there.

MIL bought her grandson on her daughters side a single £8 gift. This is of course fine on its own. However she bought the 2 grandchildren on her sons side over £300 in multiple gifts. All handed out in the same room. The difference was staggering and grandson from DD’s side noticed and was upset.

Cousins that spend any time together at all will eventually notice and those who aren’t the favoured grandchild will feel crap.

Your MIL is an arse. It’s not about buying big gifts. It’s about trying to be fair and treating the cousins the same, or at least not obviously favouring one over the other.

If your DH can’t grow enough of a backbone to protect his DC from this nastiness then I feel sorry for your child. It will affect them if it’s allowed to continue.

Don't try to force a relationship between your DD and her GM. No grandparent, is better than a toxic one. DD is 6 now, and will soon notice that her gran doesn't like her, and will wonder what she's done wrong. Don't let that happen.

It sounds like your DH was also treated like this, so to him it's normal. When he tried to correct her, she dismissed him, telling him he never remembers things. She was putting him back in his box.

You need to keep DD away from her, go NC. I never knew my maternal grandfather, as he sexually abused my mum when she was a child. Obviously, all I was told was that he was a bad man, so that's why we never saw him. I accepted that, and never felt I missed out. (My maternal gran died when mum was a child, so I never knew her either.)

Ime ils gain favourites from the dc who give them free rein on the dgc...
This gives them the highest dgp status to family and friends..
I actually felt no need to hand dc over for unsupervised dgp time. Sil was hardly home from maternity..
Ils quickly became 'famous' as being such great dgp.
Tbf they had no free time for my dc..

Every time, do the MN tinkly laugh and say lightly, oh MiL, come on you know perfectly well when X was born you said you’d had enough of babies and didn’t want any involvement. And you were true to your word, no babysitting or gifts etc, and that’s fine, your choice. So let’s not rewrite history. More coffee, anyone?

Of course it's up to her what she buys, and for whom, but the point is the ignoring of 1 GC and favouring another.

Your DD will pick up on when birthdays or christmases come round and there is a large, elaborate gift from grandma for the new GC and nothing for your DD. She may even call out her grandma herself. Kids notice a lot more than they're given credit for.

Just out of interest, what is your relationship like with BIL & his wife? Do they get your DD birthday/Christmas gifts?

[quote jobobpip08]@BitOfFun I've seen my SIL behave like a dickhead, because she is. I've sadly also seen my dad 'behave like a dickhead' which was not really like him and he was later diagnosed with alzheimers. Silly me for even considering this...[/quote]
Apologies- my post obviously came across as having a go at you. I promise it wasn't. I was only referring to how it generally goes on mumsnet, not to your particular post. You using the word 'dementia' just called it to mind. I'm very sorry to have upset you by not being more clear.

It sounds to me that she feels guilty but is in denial, her circumstances might also have changed. Pick your battles see how she is from here on.

I would 100% correct her lies whenever she told them. One to support DH who has tried to correct her and two because she's talking shit and it's wrong.

Thanks. I think I will go for the chuckle option and say hahahaha that never happened though did it if she starts the lies.
See if she tries to shut me down. As pp have said she put dh back in his box. And he's only too happy to remain there probably due to how he's been raised.

Low contact is the answer I think, to spend £100's on one gc and zero on the other is just too much of a difference for me to completely ignore but I am going to at least say something when she lies and attempt to stick to her annual visits and no more.
She will of course always be welcome if she actually acts like she wants to be a part of dd life.

I think it calls for a family facetime call. Get the mil and bil in on the call mention if its in the pic how lovely the highchair or what ever looks then casually add in its just ashame mil that you couldn't be bothered less about the gc who only lives a short distance away and have given one tiny gift in 6 years. Still at least you seen to be making an effort to be a granny with this one it's just a real shame you are not capable of treating them equally. Then end the call.

Well, you're a more forgiving woman than I am, that's for sure. I'd not want someone who had raised a son to be scared of crossing her to coming anywhere near my kids. And that's without her toxic behaviour to your own child.

Anyway, I guess you can only wait and see. I hope that the chuckle option is effective; I really hope it makes her realise that you are onto her bullshit.

I would have a few loaded phrases to always counter these claims with

"Interesting perspective there MIL."
"Wow... Certainly not how I remember it"
"That's a bit more than creative licence you're using there"

If she looks uncomfortable and changes the subject then you know you've made your point. If she demands an explanation then you have your opportunity to say that you feel she treats the grandchildren very differently.

One of the most frustrating things with DHs family is the rewriting history thing. His MIL did it, and now BIL does it. In fact he could be a professional at it, why bother doing anything when you can just say you did!
It looks like your MIL is doing is as part of her golden child routine. From what I have read on MN this is an incredibly common phenomenon and there isn’t much you can do about it. It’s more about how you handle it than changing her I’m afraid.

@volvicwater

Thanks. I think I will go for the chuckle option and say hahahaha that never happened though did it if she starts the lies. See if she tries to shut me down. As pp have said she put dh back in his box. And he's only too happy to remain there probably due to how he's been raised.

Low contact is the answer I think, to spend £100's on one gc and zero on the other is just too much of a difference for me to completely ignore but I am going to at least say something when she lies and attempt to stick to her annual visits and no more.
She will of course always be welcome if she actually acts like she wants to be a part of dd life.

Sounds like you have an excellent plan! You have nothing to lose anyway as she doesnt bother anyway so you may as well have a bit of fun with it all

OR - you could reciprocate!

"DD saw a picture of MIL and said "Who is that lady, Mammy?" Why - it's your DGM!" "Why have I never met her? My friend Maisie's DGM comes to her house and buys her present on her birthday and for Christmas. Why doesn't my DGM".

We didn't know what to say, so we just laughed! Children! They don't sugarcoat anything, do they? LOL!"

Go on - start WW3!

[quote volvicwater]@JBizz oh yes MIL always hints at receiving the gift from gc around birthday and Christmas. I've stopped that now though.[/quote]
Op reading the comment you're replying to, they were saying they bought their own child a present and pretended it was from the grandmother as she hadn't bought the child one.

Whereas your post indicates the grandmother expects a separate present from your dd?! Is she nuts?

@Snarkastic oh yes I didn't get that thanks.
Yes she says her favourite presents are from her gc a few weeks before birthday/ Christmas.
We've stopped buying now though as we originally thought it might help trigger some kind of emotion for her gc but it didn't.

During lockdown there wasn't even a call from her asking about gc. I mean there also wasn't any about dh but we thought she might at least think of gc once through it.

I feel better after this thread. She's not worth the bother. I am upset for gc but I don't suppose I'm going to change much now.

i think you need to separate the two things. Gifts and help are up to MIL - but the lies about the past should be highlighted.

You're criticising your husband for not standing up to his mum but he did call her out in it and you didn't back him up. Perhaps if you had stood up for him he would feel more supported in dealing with his mum.

You say you are worried about the affect on your child, if that is your priority then perhaps try to find a way to have a conversation with her about it? An adult conversation about what you think presented calmly and without venim?

Think about what it is you want to achieve, is it for her to know you have noticed this behaviour? Or is it to resolve the issue? To build relationships for the future of your child?

Sarcastic or child like no you didn't comments in front of tge family will not end well for you all. Not if you want to maintain a relationship.

@user1471457751 yes I discussed this with him last night I will stick up for him now.
To be honest @Marchitectmummy I don't agree. I don't think a grown adult should treat dc so differently and I won't take responsibility for her poor actions.
I will be calling her out on her lies and going as lc as possible.

I dont think your child should be treated differently either but that isn't the point I was trying to make, merely that there are many ways to handle this.