DH wants us to move because of neighbour.s.

[Yantmu]

We have lived in our house for 13 years. New neighbours moved in two doors away about a year ago and have steadily become more and more disruptive. Most recent activity is that they have a scrambler bike which they are riding up and down the garden at various times throughout the day. They have two dogs who get very distressed when they do this and bark a lot. We put in a complaint to the council a while ago because they were playing music in the garden at crazy loud levels all day every day. The council wrote to them and they have stopped the music but now it's the bike.
For some time DH has been suggesting that we move because of these neighbours but I have just been ignoring what he says because I thought he was joking (he says a lot of stuff in anger that he doesn't mean). Last night he properly lost it and said he was going to move out on his own because he can't take it any more. Then he started furiously booking shifts at work saying that he might as well just stay at work because he can't stand being at home (because of the neighbours).
We have spoken about moving in the past and if we moved, the plan was to move to the country between 1 and 2 hours drive away from where we are now and to do it at a time which would be least disruptive to the DS's (when DS1 starts A-levels and DS2 starts secondary school). Moving house entails a lot more for me and the kids than it does for him. He will keep his job and potentially have to work less hours if we move. I would have to either commute possibly up to 2 hours to work or find a new job. The kids would have to move schools and at the moment his mum provides our after school childcare until I get home which clearly couldn't continue at that distance.
I feel like the neighbours are annoying but nowhere near enough to make me want to leave my home of 13 years and uproot my children. DH is fixated on the neighbours and their behaviour and it's almost taken over his life. Should I be trying to see this as a new adventure and go along with his plans to move away or AIBU to dig my heels in and insist that we stick to our plans, with all the arguments etc that will bring?

It is tricky to move children to a rural area. I think teenagers in particular often hate it. I live rurally but my dc have grown up here so they are used to the long drives to meet friends etc.
I also think moving somewhere remote to address unhappiness never works. The people I know who have done this, including my FIL, have only highlighted their discontent and made themselves far more miserable -fewer distractions in remote places.

From reading your updates my worry would be that you sound unhappy in your marriage, and your DH with his life generally. Moving miles away from support and friends would be hard on all of you and might well destroy your marriage. Then you would be in the middle of nowhere with a man you no longer like.

@SirVixofVixHall I agree about the teens. They will need lots of lifts everywhere until they can drive.
Just thinking about your sentance. " We put in a complaint to the council a while ago...The council wrote to them and they have stopped the music but now it's the bike."
So they have listened before.. I don't know if neighbour complaints count if its tenants who could be temporary or owners? But I would still consider writing again, since you've already written once.
Also as someone suggested v good noise cancelling headphones - still cheaper than moving.
All the hassel and who knows what the new neighbours would be like.

Do you thinkyour DH might think differently when everyone starts returning to workplace? Worth a thought.

Haven't read the whole thread. I would just move. You can't put up with 2-3 more years of this. Your DC's education has been interrupted by Covid and will be in the future. Make time to bring your DC back at weekends to see their friends. Life is too short for your DH to be in despair like this.

@ifIwerenotanandroid

MrsKingfisher:

Yes, it does take time to get out of the expectation of the bad thing happening, doesn't it? We had awful neighbours & for quite a time after they'd moved out, we found that whenever we were returning home in the car each of us would find our thoughts turning to, 'Oh no, what will we face when we get back?'.

I do pity your buyers, though: imagine happily moving into a new home, to find you've got manic piano players next door!

We know families from the street we moved from, the ndn got divorced shortly after we'd moved and sold the house! Typical. Having said that we moved from terraced to detached and the fear of hearing noise took a little while to get over, I could still hear it some days and would shhh dh saying 'can you hear that?!'

Earplugs and noise cancelling doesn't help, we all have the right to enjoy our homes and therefore it is incumbent upon us all to be decent where noise is concerned. Unfortunately there are those who don't care and those who believe people should put up with it. Funny old world!

Several people have written, suggesting that the poster and her husband could rent out the property. What if the tenant(s) also find the situation intolerable, and move out? And this could happen with tenants time and time again.

Appreciate this isn't quite a neighbourhood dispute as such but in my job I've seen plenty.

Neighbours hating each other but neither willing to move as that is accepting defeat.

Better to waste decades of your life being miserable?

If things can't be resolved amicably then I'd fuck off, life's too short.

Your husband may be against living near all people, but you and your children's needs also matter. You havr a right not to have hours of commuting. Put your foot down.

The situation sounds horrendous. One additional thought re. the dogs. It sounds as if they’re neglected ( running in the street, etc.) and it’s borderline animal cruelty to regularly upset them with the scrambler bike. You might want to consider reporting them to the RSPCA.

Perhaps I’m being OTT, but I can’t imagine doing that to our dog or having to tolerate it with neighbors. Everyone around here rushes out to calm their pet if they start barking.

In your position I would move house locally. I had awful neighbours for a couple of years and felt stressed and on edge constantly. Since moving next to lovely neighbours I feel like a different person, so much happier and more relaxed.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

From someone that has general anxiety disorder, I really struggle with neighbour noise. Even just the normal hum of general chat, gardening, sitting out for BBQ hurts my head. I find the summer just sets my hypervigilance off. I drive my partner mad with it, because I go on about the noise and he just says I can't hear anything. I won't go into details why I have this but I just wondered if maybe your DH is struggling with people being constantly at home because of the lockdown? I think a lot of people are properly fed up of hearing the neighbours 24/7 during this pressurised time. I feel some people underestimate just how much the corona virus pandemic has affected us. The way we are at the moment, as a country is not normal. I think we are all trying to make the best of it but even if you did not have an existing mental health issue, just going through all the changes for the past nearly 5 months is enough to make anyone more irritated then normal.

I know that if I move, I will have to listen to the same neighbour noise, particularly in gardens during hot weather. Never mind, Autumn on the 22nd of September (maybe it will go quieter, as it gets darker quicker)

Sometimes the problem is just the problem. I moved from a semi-detached house to a detached house elsewhere. My environment changed from horrible neighbours to lovely neighbours. We were just unlucky as the problem wasn't the previous house, just the neighbours we had. If we had our current neighbours in our previous semi-d environment they would still have been lovely neighbours.

Hope you find a resolution to this, op. We shed years by moving. Having said, when in the moment, it can really get under your skin. I don't know if moving would fix everything for you and may be drastic if other measures can be attempted first; such as the earphones. It may also be exacerbated by the lockdown and everyone cheek by jowl with no respite. This won't be permanent. At least if they are kids, they go to bed at nighttime, so you don't have loud parties to contend with.

Midsommar thank you

cakebatter9 thank you.
I was a bit worried posting about this because I'm a first time poster (8 year lurker ) but you have all genuinely been so lovely and the discussion has been so helpful in getting me to see the problem from all angles. Thank you all

Neighbours have been utterly awful this afternoon. Shouting, swearing, bike, music, barking dogs, the lot. DS1 got very stressed by it at one point but I feel like some of his stress is reflected from DH.

Cailleach1
I think the issue is that it's a big gamble isn't it? Definite positive that at least it doesn't carry on into the night.

AmICrazyorWhat2
Contacting RSPCA is definitely something I was thinking about too. I'm just sitting upstairs trying to peek at what's going on in the garden because I think one of the teens friends has just hurt one of the dogs.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff
I filled in the website form for noise complaints again last night. Last time they called us within a day or two to discuss the problem so fingers crossed they will do the same. Unfortunately these neighbours don't seem to go to work. They were around all day even before lockdown. The dad works, I believe, but there is always someone there.

I would be reporting the incidents with the dogs. I think you can do that anonymously.

I have a lot of sympathy for your DH. When I bought my house I knew within weeks that I wanted to move. I haven't been able to afford a move yet and feel trapped in my home. The stress and anxiety of dealing with a nightmare neighbour every day is affecting my mental health. It sounds like there are other issues in your marriage though OP. I agree with other pp if your DH has anger problems and you might have to leave your job due to a long commute then is moving to the country away from family and friends with no financial stability a good idea?

HalloHalloHallo
I agree, it is cause for concern and is probably the reason I am not jumping for joy at the prospect of moving to a more isolated location. We have been for couples counselling a year or so ago at which we began to make some progress. We ended up going because I issued an ultimatum after he had a massive meltdown at me following a night out for his birthday. We sort of tailed off the counselling because he became busy at work last summer and couldn't commit to the appointments. When I suggested restarting, his response was, 'I'm not starting all that shit again'. I've sort of lost the fire I had when I issued the ultimatum and I'm back to feeling paralysed again.

Any evidence the scrambler bike is being used illegally on public roads? A matter therefore for the police.

Agree about the RSPCA being contacted.

Sounds really hard, Op.. We've moved because of neighbours and our lives improved immeasurably. Your dh sounds as though he is at the end of his tether.

More counselling won't help especially as he's not willing to do it anyway. He'll just be too busy and mess everyone about.

What are your options now?
Well, you could agree that he could move out by himself to see how that works........

Jus
I think that was honestly just an empty threat. He makes them all the time. I don't think he would really actually do it.

@Yantmu noise sensitivity and meltdowns go hand in hand with Aspergers (I know because I also have noise sensitivity and aspergers)

Could this be possible in your DH? My friend was just diagnosed aged 37 so you never know.

Anyway, it doesn’t sound pleasant for either of you.

Unfortunately I think I was like your DH not long ago - although I didn’t make us move somewhere rural. But we did have to rent another house and rent our own house out to enable the move

After reading this thread I’m worried the tenants will just leave too. If they do - we’ll just sell the property and take a hit

I’m such a better human, mother and wife now we’ve moved. I know we did the right thing

Working from home has escalated my issues 10 fold. Neighbours have 2 young kids, who have always been noisy. Fine. Kids make noise. Not an issue. Maybe getting ready for work early and them getting ready for school - we didn't really notice. Then you get home from work, cook the tea, watch a bit of telly then go to bed.

The odd bit of screaming and fighting - can deal with that.

What we didn't realise it that the kids batter each other from 7am until 7pm. Screaming. Shouting. Crying. Being told off.

Not being able to go in the back because they're twatting each other and screaming then crying then getting shouted at.

I nearly cried the other day.

I'd move in a heartbeat - but only to a detached house, which we can't afford.