DH wants us to move because of neighbour.s.

[Yantmu]

We have lived in our house for 13 years. New neighbours moved in two doors away about a year ago and have steadily become more and more disruptive. Most recent activity is that they have a scrambler bike which they are riding up and down the garden at various times throughout the day. They have two dogs who get very distressed when they do this and bark a lot. We put in a complaint to the council a while ago because they were playing music in the garden at crazy loud levels all day every day. The council wrote to them and they have stopped the music but now it's the bike.
For some time DH has been suggesting that we move because of these neighbours but I have just been ignoring what he says because I thought he was joking (he says a lot of stuff in anger that he doesn't mean). Last night he properly lost it and said he was going to move out on his own because he can't take it any more. Then he started furiously booking shifts at work saying that he might as well just stay at work because he can't stand being at home (because of the neighbours).
We have spoken about moving in the past and if we moved, the plan was to move to the country between 1 and 2 hours drive away from where we are now and to do it at a time which would be least disruptive to the DS's (when DS1 starts A-levels and DS2 starts secondary school). Moving house entails a lot more for me and the kids than it does for him. He will keep his job and potentially have to work less hours if we move. I would have to either commute possibly up to 2 hours to work or find a new job. The kids would have to move schools and at the moment his mum provides our after school childcare until I get home which clearly couldn't continue at that distance.
I feel like the neighbours are annoying but nowhere near enough to make me want to leave my home of 13 years and uproot my children. DH is fixated on the neighbours and their behaviour and it's almost taken over his life. Should I be trying to see this as a new adventure and go along with his plans to move away or AIBU to dig my heels in and insist that we stick to our plans, with all the arguments etc that will bring?

If you do move, it needs to be somewhere that isn't just going to convenience him at the expense of the rest of you.

I empathise so much with your Husband....
Some of us are much more sensitive to noise than others.

Yapping dogs drive many to distraction. Our mum is pretty deaf, but the 'screaming' barking of Schnauser next door drove her to distraction.
She moved.

Dogs barking and yapping are a big problem for many...and one Australian woman I heard of had her yapping dog poisoned by her neighbours...
{the dog was so say left in their yard to yap endlessly}

Another friend moved to a rural area because of noise he was enduring from his neighbours.

HOWEVER... even moving to a rural area doesn't guarantee quiet neighbours.... Quiet, elderly neighbours may die or move, and noisy families move in..

Noise is a big polluter these days.

I feel for you as we have had 2 sets of new neighbours and they are both a PITA with antisocial behaviour . We are thinking about moving sooner than we had anticipated . Can't you just move somewhere else in the same area ? It sounds as if it would just cause so much chaos for you .

I'd move locally and then you can do your big move at the time you planned to do it. And I'd be clear to DH that is the only way you'll consider this. Bringing forward the country move is non-negotiable for you.
I'd actually shortlist some houses you think would work and show them to him. Make it real and not a pipe dream.

I really feel for your DH. Since everyone's been furloughed/WFH it has been so noisy round my way, it's absolutely doing my head in. At least I know things will start getting back to some sort of normal soon (kids back at school, at least) and it won't be forever.

The sort of noise you're describing OP, with no end in sight, would have me in despair.

I like to think that if we were in your situation, DP would move for the sake of my sanity. It not, and it was our relationship or my MH, I'd save my MH, every time.

I'm also gobsmacked by how many councils seem to do nothing about noise nuisance. When people round my way complained about a barking, howling dog, environmental health took a "3 strikes" policy and told the owner that she'd be prosecuted if she didn't get it sorted. She consulted a behaviourist and it's fine now.

I wouldn’t approach them again. It’s all well to say we sit and seethe, but let’s be honest, this type of angry aggressive antisocial behaviour doesn’t generally come from logically and respectfully minded people. So I really wouldn’t do that. It’s always strange to me that I only ever seem to be the only neighbour annoyed by others terrible behaviour....ie the immediate neighbours don’t seem to mind music blasting 24/7 and no one else ever calls the police when they start brawling in the street,,? Call the council and if appropriate call the police anonymously. Moving might be good for all of you, but I think maybe your dh needs more mental support and help than moving house. Has lockdown made his behaviour and stress worse??? Does he wfh right now??

Noise is incredibly subjective. I couldn't live under a flight path but a lot of people clearly do. Or have train tracks at the bottom of their garden.

Why is this an all or nothing situation? How old are the children now and how long before they are the ages you wanted them to be when you moved?

Is there nowhere closer than the 1-2 hours away that would allow peace of mind for your Dh?

Life doesn't always turn out the way you want it to. But the fact that you have now involved the council twice means it is something you would have to declare when you come to sell so you may have shot yourselves in the foot.

Move locally, or, before putting the house on the market dh has come up with several options which he will help investigate to replace the after school childcare, warned work he will be doing school drop off 3 mornings a week, and committed to booking 2 days a week off for 6 weeks while you both unpack and you look for work. His choice which.

You need to move. Your husbands mental health is a priority. Neighbours like this won’t change.

Your DH wants to move to the countryside to be far away from everyone.

He does realise that the countryside is quite noisy, doesn't he? Even if you can afford to buy a house with no neighbours, unless you are half way up a mountain there are still going to be people about. Tractors and trailers at all hours during harvest and silaging, cows bellowing, sheep carrying on, birds yelling their heads off at stupid o clock in the morning, chickens...

Does he have problems with noise generally? Because if he is upset by noise to the extent he wants to live a long way from people, then only the moon is really going to be quiet enough for him.

Try renting in the countryside before you move. It's not always the idyllic retreat people think it is.

I think for your dhs mental health, there needs to be a discussion. While your kids are still at school and you need to be a reasonable commute to work, moving somewhere, either buying or renting, nearby but not in the countryside would be the best thing. Then, when the kids are older, look to moving further away.
When noise becomes an issue for a person, any small noise can be enough to set their nerves off. My dh is like this with our place. We thought this might be our forever home, well he did, mines by the sea ;) , but he's talking about moving in about 10 or so years.

I would move. I can see why locally would be easier but you run the risk of ending up with neighbours who are similarly noisy or even more so.

From your post it seems that your relationship with your neighbours is such that even if the council took action and the scrambler noise was reduced they would find another hobby that would be equally as loud just to goad you.

You have always planned to move and have more space about you and neighbours farther away, so it isn't a new notion.

I can see where you're coming from in wanting to wait until the timing is right for your DC benefit, but it isn't to their benefit to have a Dad whose mental health is at breaking point or to have separated parents, so this moves your plans forward a bit IMO.

Your home should be your sanctuary. We recently has work done to our house. It was disruptive and noisy and the dark barked constantly. It took a week and I was ready for the hills, I can only imagine what it would be like to constantly live with that.

I literally stand in the garden and call/shout over the fence after an hour or so of unacceptable noise. "Give us a break from the noise for an hour, yeah?"

my user name says it all....

we are having the same debate OP. We've decided to

1. do the work necessary to get the house fit to put on the market
2. actively view houses so we can get a clearer idea of what we both want (it is going to be local, like you).
3. involve the police (sadly it has come to that - ours is plainly disturbed and has a long-standing grudge which he believes excuses criminal behaviour)

Of course, it's a tightrope because you want to fill in the form saying "no disputes" but real life doesn't work like that.

Unfortunately NDN own their house aswell so we can't do much in way of reporting. You would think it would be the mid 20's couple (us) who were playing loud music, not the 40 year old teacher playing heavy metal hmm

You can report the noise nuisance to environmental health, who can, and do, prosecute if it comes to it. My neighbour with the noisy dog is a homeowner, and they still acted.

Even with social housing tenancies, environmental health will take action. HA's and housing officers will issue endless warnings before starting possession proceedings, because it is very hard to persuade a judge to make people homeless because of noise. I think noise nuisance prosecutions are heard in the magistrates court, and they issue fines. Hit the noisy bastards in the pocket!

Sorry OP but I'm with your DH. Noise is one of those things in life that can bring so much misery.

I've lived in loud cities in various countries around the world where general noise is 24/7 but never bothered me. The noise made by selfish loud neighbours? That gives me a murderous rage and it's made worse because you're essentially helpless to stop it! It's all very well to suggest that you simply tell your neighbours to be quieter instead of "seething silently" but how many times does that work out well?

I'd move in your situation tbh.

@Zaphodsotherhead

sheep carrying on the inconsiderate little yobs!

I feel for your DH. He sounds desperate :(

Shit neighbours can wreck your mental health.

I think you should hear him out and take him seriously. You don’t want him having a breakdown and he sounds like he's nearing it.

I would highly recommend moving and having a fresh start & adventure. It will change his life.

I’ll always be grateful to my DH who agreed to move me away from my toxic neighbours - not sure if our marriage would have survived otherwise.

Just be careful that if you do move that the place you are moving doesn't have the same problem.

There are a lot of inconsiderate people out there. They may not seem nasty initially but people can become very obstinate when approached about something.

But, considering that these neighbours have history and are unlikely to change you need to combine a number of solutions.

• Start to look into alternative places to live - either locally or close.
• Check with neighbours on the other side of them - have they the same issue with them?
• Buy noise cancelling earphones as suggested - cant use all the time but may help on occasion.
• keep a diary and record ndn's if possible

Thanks for all your input on this everyone. There are lots of interesting points being made and it's giving me a lot to think about.
Neighbours are council tenants so the council do have a significant amount of input there. I didn't know about having to declare contact with the council about the neighbours when we eventually sell. Thank you for raising this.
DH has been going to work all the way through lockdown so he's not really been here much. He works in healthcare. I am in education but been working one week in school one week WFH.
I agree that his MH is suffering but I do think there is always something which he fixates on. He thinks that moving to the countryside will be the answer to all his problems but I don't agree with him. I think there will always be something he is not happy with. I do think he would move halfway up a mountain if he could.
We have been having issues in our relationship over the past few years because of his anger and my enabling behaviour and I feel like this issue might be crunch time

Move. I developed an anxiety disorder after living next to awful neighbours. Husband was able to cope with it and said they weren't driving him out but I was a mess. I too was prepared to move by myself and started the process of buying a new house in my name only. It was an awful time :(

MrsKingfisher:

Yes, it does take time to get out of the expectation of the bad thing happening, doesn't it? We had awful neighbours & for quite a time after they'd moved out, we found that whenever we were returning home in the car each of us would find our thoughts turning to, 'Oh no, what will we face when we get back?'.

I do pity your buyers, though: imagine happily moving into a new home, to find you've got manic piano players next door!

The move to the countryside has always been a joint goal. I grew up in a rural setting and have always wanted to go back.
There is also an issue with DSD and her bf who currently live with us while they try to save up for a deposit on their own house. They would presumably have to give this up and start renting if we moved as there's no way we could afford a big enough house for us all now.

If you can, move locally, then you won't have the upheaval of moving to the countryside until you are ready. Staying is not a good option for your DH. I've also moved because of neighbours who affected my MH massively. I don't think I could have coped if my DH insisted we stayed. I still feel pure hatred thinking of the trolls that drove us from a house we loved and five other families on the road out before they got evicted. It feels like I was robbed of a life and being a decent mother for years as I was so stressed and unhappy living there.

ifIwerenotanandroid;
I am a piano teacher and we have our piano on the adjoining wall with our immediate neighbours. Their son also plays guitar and drums so we equally make a lot of noise ourselves but we are good friends and we have always discussed our respective noise levels and been able to compromise so it's not a problem for either of us.
The new neighbours just don't seem to want to be a part of the street community at all. They really stand out as being antisocial. Their dogs are always out running in the road and through everyone's gardens. They had a horsebox parked in one of the bays out the front for a few weeks and I'm fairly convinced that they are also dealing drugs based on the number/type of people going in and out of their house (this also continued throughout lockdown).