DH wants us to move because of neighbour.s.

[Yantmu]

We have lived in our house for 13 years. New neighbours moved in two doors away about a year ago and have steadily become more and more disruptive. Most recent activity is that they have a scrambler bike which they are riding up and down the garden at various times throughout the day. They have two dogs who get very distressed when they do this and bark a lot. We put in a complaint to the council a while ago because they were playing music in the garden at crazy loud levels all day every day. The council wrote to them and they have stopped the music but now it's the bike.
For some time DH has been suggesting that we move because of these neighbours but I have just been ignoring what he says because I thought he was joking (he says a lot of stuff in anger that he doesn't mean). Last night he properly lost it and said he was going to move out on his own because he can't take it any more. Then he started furiously booking shifts at work saying that he might as well just stay at work because he can't stand being at home (because of the neighbours).
We have spoken about moving in the past and if we moved, the plan was to move to the country between 1 and 2 hours drive away from where we are now and to do it at a time which would be least disruptive to the DS's (when DS1 starts A-levels and DS2 starts secondary school). Moving house entails a lot more for me and the kids than it does for him. He will keep his job and potentially have to work less hours if we move. I would have to either commute possibly up to 2 hours to work or find a new job. The kids would have to move schools and at the moment his mum provides our after school childcare until I get home which clearly couldn't continue at that distance.
I feel like the neighbours are annoying but nowhere near enough to make me want to leave my home of 13 years and uproot my children. DH is fixated on the neighbours and their behaviour and it's almost taken over his life. Should I be trying to see this as a new adventure and go along with his plans to move away or AIBU to dig my heels in and insist that we stick to our plans, with all the arguments etc that will bring?

My cousin had trouble with her neighbour and the council became involved as her ndn's home was a council property. She had cameras fitted, diaries, sound equipment several times, the police called loads of times and it still took the council 6 years to evict them. That was despite the ndn being in debt for all that time with the council (and British Gas and telephone company).

Don't hold out too much hope on the council doing anything.

He has a problem, but you are doing all the work here. You're the one contacting the council (keep in mind, if you have neighbour complaints/disputes you've reported, you may need to disclose these to potential buyers), you're the one who'll be doing all the work to move, making all the sacrifices, he's not willing to compromise anything here. Nope. Just nope. Don't enable this. If this is effecting his mental health, he needs to be an adult and do something about it, too, not just expect Wifey and Kids to uproot themselves and make all the sacrifices because he doesn't fancy living round people any more.

Whose idea is this 'move to the country'? And whilst the younger one is in secondary school? Yours? I live in the country with secondary school age kids. It's a bitch. They hate it. We have to drive everywhere and run two cars. We only moved out here because otherwise we could afford to buy at all. Do you fancy this idea of living in the country, because if you're not also 100% on board, you could find yourself stuck and miserable.

It's easy to fixate on one thing and turn it into the cause of all your ills and blame it and decide everything will be better if this one ill is eliminated. Life doesn't work this way.

I'd make it clear I was staying put and if he wants to move he needs to do all the work. NO way I'd give up my job and financial independence to be sat in the countryside playing the wee wifey.

Can you rent out your current house and then rent somewhere locally? I sympathize with your DH but he doesn't get to insist on only one solution.

Why not tell your DH to move out on his own then? If his problem is that he doesn't want to live around other people, then I would send him off with a tent to a field.

Having said that, I used to live next door to awful neighbours and even though I did my best to ignore them it does eventually get to the point where you can't ignore it any more. It wasn't until we moved and had relatively normal neighbours that we realised how much it was bothering us in the old house.

@BrieAndChilli

We are in the same position. We have lived here for 11 years and had several sets of neighbours next door. Never heard a peep. New family moved in end of last year and they are a nightmare. Doors slamming, parents screaming and shouting, kids (tweens and teens) yelling and screaming, dogs barking all the bloody time, music blaring, hot tub bubbling away late at night, car revving, and it’s got to the point where we can’t stand it. DH did go round to complain about the door slamming but it hasn’t stopped. The mum did say they never heard us (as I was worried we were making as much noise possibly!) We both rent but they are adding a conservatory etc so obviously there for the long haul. We would love to buy and move but don’t think we are realistically going to get a big enough deposit and similar rentals (3 bed semi) are now at least 50-100% more than what we are paying as rent hasn’t gone up since we have been here (but equally landlord won’t replace anything even though it’s all 20 years old at least!

I’d check their LL knows they’re building a conservatory! I could understand a LL allowing them to decorate or maybe fit a new kitchen etc, but major structural changes to their property? If the LL knows about, they’ve hit the LL jackpot!!!

I am super sensitive to noise. I would suggest as a temp solution for your DH to get some noise cancelling headphones buy some Bose ones they are expensive expect to pay around £200.

Noise pollution can drive some people literally mad.

I was your DH in a similar scenario & our neighbour was nothing like as bad.

It got to the point where it affected my mental health so badly I couldn’t even be at home on my own. I has therapy but it did t help, It dominated my entire life & made my own DH miserable because he had to put up with me

We moved within the same town and it was soooo much better. I was happier so DH was too. If you can move locally try & convince him to do that

@Yantmu

I have suggested moving locally but DH IS against this as he wants to live far away from all people.

Well DH is just going to have to move twice then. There isn’t a limit on the number of times you can move in a lifetime. It seems to me that he’s the one it’s the biggest problem for and the one least willing to address it.

i wuld move locally for now he has to compromise somewhere

You just won’t win the war against the neighbours. I had neighbours in the past that were openly drug dealing, growing cannabis in the house and playing trance music all night long from their shed and absolutely no one cared. Not one agency did anything. Eventually he died of a drug overdose but I’d moved by then. I can’t say I felt particularly sorry for him.

Ime your dh has become fixated in the ndn when it could be something else entirely on his mind.
My exh became fixated on hating our ddog!
Exh....

Once your fixated on that one noise it's hard to just ignore it. Lockdown has made everything worse for people being at home a lot more. My next door neighbours are loud but only because the sound proofing is shite and it is everyday noise. Doesn't help they work shifts and come home in the early hours. Luckily I get all the noise in my bedroom and not so much the kids.

Wait and see what happens after you've spoken to the council.

I wonder how many who suggest just move have moved recently? What a royal PITA. And expensive. Unless you're on your own with minimal stuff. With kids, jobs, household, it's not something to do on a whim.

People shouldn't underestimate how stressful it can be living next to inconsiderate neighbours.

Unfortunately NDN own their house aswell so we can't do much in way of reporting. You would think it would be the mid 20's couple (us) who were playing loud music, not the 40 year old teacher playing heavy metal .

Some people are scumbags and will never change how inconsiderate they are, I'd start looking on Rightmove.

@justanotherneighinparadise

You just won’t win the war against the neighbours. I had neighbours in the past that were openly drug dealing, growing cannabis in the house and playing trance music all night long from their shed and absolutely no one cared. Not one agency did anything. Eventually he died of a drug overdose but I’d moved by then. I can’t say I felt particularly sorry for him.

We had a similar neighbour.

@uniglowooljumper

I wonder how many who suggest just move have moved recently? What a royal PITA. And expensive. Unless you're on your own with minimal stuff. With kids, jobs, household, it's not something to do on a whim.

It’s not a whim though. It’s less expensive to move than it has been for a long time with no stamp duty to pay. It’s the obvious solution.

I’d move, I know what it’s like to have awful neighbours, your kids will adapt where ever you go. You explain to your husband that he will have to be patient with you finding a job in the new area .

Another aspect about complaining to Landlords is that if the complaint is not strictly about breaking the terms of the lease or behaviour that is clearly anti social you could be accused of harassment. Snitching to LLs about private matters (when the issue is not against their tenancy agreement) counts as malicious gossip which is harassment.

This happened to me a long time ago when I wan renting. A neighbour was constantly complaining to the LL about matters that
were a private dispute between us. Such as my friends parking in "her" space and my nephews and nieces playing noisily in the garden.

Eventually I sent her a strongly worded letter from my solicitor threatening legal action if she contacted my LL again about a private matter. The LL moved away so this left the neighbour with no one to whinge to.

It is a huge deal to move although peace of mind is priceless if it is taking over his life, they sound like nightmare neighbour's alright so I doubt they'd listen to reason.
If the DC are teenagers they might be moving out soon.

Your DH has a point. I had a lovely neighbour, but he played a couple of musical instruments and it was so loud, he might as well have been sat in my living room. He only did it when his partner was out. We moved locally to a detached house to get away from attached neighbours.

However, I do think that your DH needs to compromise, so that means moving locally now rather than disrupting all of your lives to suit himself.

The problem won't go away and once something like that annoys you it just gets worse and worse. It sounds like your DH has reached the end of his tether.

It’s not a whim though. It’s less expensive to move than it has been for a long time with no stamp duty to pay. It’s the obvious solution.

There are plenty more expenses besides stamp duty and huge disruption and work when you have kids, a whole household and work to juggle. It's never an 'obvious' solution because you can't guarantee good neighbours, even in the country. We live in the country and there are plenty of neighbour disputes. It sounds like the OP will be expected to do the work, she's certainly expected to make all the sacrifices, and the kids. Kids are not just an afterthought, you do whatever the hell you please under the assumption they'll just 'adapt'. It can seriously fuck them up and their education as well.

These neighbours aren't even next door. He needs to look at other solutions first or I'd tell him to move on his own, bet he won't consider that if he has to go through all the hassle of doing it without being enabled.

Can you afford to move and be mortgage free? Can you afford for you not to work? If so you could be around to either settle the kids into a new school or drive them to their old schools. It's not ideal but sounds like he's fixated on them, even if they modified their behaviour it won't be enough.

Everyday family noises can seem loud if you are quiet - I have rowing neighbours currently, been at it for over an hour (this is normal) but it's only noticeable because I'm working from home with no music or tv (distracted by Mumsnet of course), I'm sure they hear us but they never say anything. The bikes in the garden isn't really on in a small city garden but it must be a big garden to be able to ride.

Don't rush but make a plan, why wait for something you both want eventually

Agree totally @uniglowooljumper, that’s why I suggested moving locally so the disruption is minimised.

This is a really bad time to move kids' schools unnecessarily, given all the Covid disruption.

I moved because of new neighbours, after 20 years in my house.

I'm really glad we did it- we also moved to the countryside.

My mental health was suffering massively and I was on anti depressants. We ended up renting our house out in order to get away.