DH wants us to move because of neighbour.s.

[Yantmu]

We have lived in our house for 13 years. New neighbours moved in two doors away about a year ago and have steadily become more and more disruptive. Most recent activity is that they have a scrambler bike which they are riding up and down the garden at various times throughout the day. They have two dogs who get very distressed when they do this and bark a lot. We put in a complaint to the council a while ago because they were playing music in the garden at crazy loud levels all day every day. The council wrote to them and they have stopped the music but now it's the bike.
For some time DH has been suggesting that we move because of these neighbours but I have just been ignoring what he says because I thought he was joking (he says a lot of stuff in anger that he doesn't mean). Last night he properly lost it and said he was going to move out on his own because he can't take it any more. Then he started furiously booking shifts at work saying that he might as well just stay at work because he can't stand being at home (because of the neighbours).
We have spoken about moving in the past and if we moved, the plan was to move to the country between 1 and 2 hours drive away from where we are now and to do it at a time which would be least disruptive to the DS's (when DS1 starts A-levels and DS2 starts secondary school). Moving house entails a lot more for me and the kids than it does for him. He will keep his job and potentially have to work less hours if we move. I would have to either commute possibly up to 2 hours to work or find a new job. The kids would have to move schools and at the moment his mum provides our after school childcare until I get home which clearly couldn't continue at that distance.
I feel like the neighbours are annoying but nowhere near enough to make me want to leave my home of 13 years and uproot my children. DH is fixated on the neighbours and their behaviour and it's almost taken over his life. Should I be trying to see this as a new adventure and go along with his plans to move away or AIBU to dig my heels in and insist that we stick to our plans, with all the arguments etc that will bring?

I too feel hatred remembering my nightmare neighbours from where I lived before. I honestly thought about hiring a hit man at one point. Ok, it was a crazy thought but that's how desperate I was. I agree with others who say move locally, OP.

there's no way we could afford a big enough house for us all now

If you moved locally a similar house would be roughly the same price, wouldn’t it?

Quite honestly moving to the arse end of nowhere with teenage kids is an awful idea, you’d be running a taxi service and they’d quite probably hate it. The time for that is when you don’t have to keep anyone else happy.

I think maybe the local move seems to be the most common solution among you lovely people. Perhaps that's the direction the discussion needs to move in tonight.

Has he tried noise cancelling headphones? My neighbours drive me nuts and these have helped a lot.

Keep going with the council as well especially as they're council tenants.

Ok, so maybe you need to put your foot down, with a firm hand. If he wants to move out to the countryside, he can maybe do that on his own, if it comes to that?

Your DH is being unreasonable and unfair if you offered to compromise by looking at a local move.

The only person who benefits from what he wants is him. It's clear it would be a detrimental move for the rest of you. You work, too. Adding an unnecessary 2 hour commute isn't fair to you. Your DCs are heading into exam years. Moving them now for a non-necessary reason would be horrible for them.

I’m glad I found this. I’m also having issues with neighbours and want to move. My issues are not as severe as yours and husband is really minimising it. It was so peaceful before they moved in. I feel over lockdown I’ve gone crazy because of them. If I was you I would move. Life is too short

I get so angry reading threads like this. Why can't people be more considerate? I don't understand these neighbours who think they own the street and are so loud and aggressive towards others. It's awful. Whatever happened to "love thy neighbour"?
Hope your DH is OK @Yantmu

I sympathise with your husband, I have loud selfish neighbours on both sides of my house and it’s unbearable. It really does damage your mental health and I’m looking into moving even though I love the house and area. His reaction is normal, you’re entitled to quiet enjoyment of your property and you aren’t getting that. They will always have the upper hand as you will have to declare your complaints. I think you should consider moving based on this and your husbands feelings, as even with council support they can’t do much and even if they considered evicting them that can take a long time. In the meantime can you get noise blocking headphones/white noise machine something to take the pressure off.

I'm like your DH and neighbour noise drove me to have a panic attack breakdown a month and a bit ago, after months of listening to them. I wanted to move desperately but apart from our neighbours, our house is ideal. So, I'm now on antidepressants.

"I have suggested moving locally but DH IS against this as he wants to live far away from all people."
His desire to live far away from all people is a separate issue from these arsehole neighbours. In your OP you listed a whole host of reasons why moving to the country now only works for him and not for anyone else in the family. So no, I would put my foot down and insist that he consider the rest of the family and not just himself. The current problem is one particular family, not the entire world; the solution to this current problem is a local move.

"We have been having issues in our relationship over the past few years because of his anger and my enabling behaviour and I feel like this issue might be crunch time "
I can't say I was surprised when you subsequently posted this .

"I agree that his MH is suffering but I do think there is always something which he fixates on. He thinks that moving to the countryside will be the answer to all his problems but I don't agree with him. I think there will always be something he is not happy with. I do think he would move halfway up a mountain if he could." (my bolding)
Thinking something, anything, will solve all your problems; well, it's just totally unrealistic. A little bit childish too. And when he finds that moving to the countryside is not the magical solution - what then? That's a recipe for deep depression.

I think the best solution is for him to accept a local move. It deals with the current problem, but when he's not happy in the new place (I think you know he won't be, regardless of however lovely it is) he will still have his utopian dream of the countryside, which you seem to also want, just not now.

I think he also needs to address his anger issues, and you know you need to stop enabling, but that's a bigger issue altogether.

And if he will not compromise, will not consider the needs of the rest of the family - then yes, crunch time.

You can start planning to move but obviously moving/selling/etc. all takes time. You could allow for plenty of time to make the transition as smooth as possible for you and the kids. I would guess having an end in sight would do wonders for his mental health.

I'd probably look into moving, I'm totally with him for wanting to move far away from people lol. Just be careful about official complaints as when you sell, you have to declare any issues with neighbors and it may put people off... Although I'm sure people buying would clock onto the noise during house viewings

If disruptive neighbours forced me to even think about moving, I'd be more annoyed with myself.

It's a massive choice to make without putting up a fight first.

Don't move until it's right for your children.
Your dh sounds like it's all about him tbh. Let him go, let him do the extra shifts, it will be more peaceful at home without his anger.
Maybe suggest he sees someone about it, it can't be good for your kids growing up in that environment.
The neighbours sound like the least of your problems.

WhereYouLeftIt

you have summed the situation up perfectly. If I were only dealing with the neighbour issue I think I would have a clearer head. It's just all the history between DH and I and the way we behave with each other makes it more complicated.

My dh gets very het up if his world isn't perfect. I used to take that seriously and nearly killed myself trying to second guess what was going to make him angry so I could deal with it before he got there. Then I came to my senses. Now, I let him rant. When he's calmed down a bit I mention that he's being UR - he hates the idea that he's anything less than superiorly intelligent so mention UR or irrantionality will stop him in his tracks. Then we can talk about it and sometimes come up with sensible solution.

Sometimes though, it's so idiotic that I just laugh and suggest even more ridiculous things we could do - like "yeah, let's move halfway up a mountain. Oh but then we'd have to home school the kids. Well, that doesn't matter as we'll need them to be the strong ones who do the maintenance on the house because we won't be able to afford to pay anyone to come half way up a mountain when the boiler breaks down or the weight of snow breaks the roof. So we'll leave dd and her bf behind unless one of them becomes a plumber, and the boys can forget GCSEs, As and Uni as we'll want them to be general builders. They'll have clean air and home grown food and no money, but it'll be a good life. We could get a goat!" Chatter on like that as long as you can and at some point he'll realise how silly he's being.

Then you can have a sensible talk.

Moving to the country may not be an easy fix. We live in the country and its harvest time, which means tractors thundering past the house at all hours making the house shake.

It's not the best and we know it will only be for a few weeks, it's just one of the compromises of living in the country.

It sounds like an ideal time for you and your husband to take a break from one another, if that’s what you want. It must be hard for you to deal with his issues on top of the neighbours’ disruption.

Perhaps he should go live by himself for a little while.

@Yantmu

One major problem about trying to move [in the UK] is that on the "Enquiries before Contract" from your buyer's solicitor there is a question about "nuisance neighbours" about which you lie at your peril.

It really is a problem in UK property law that - in the short term - there is little that can be done. What is happening is almost certainly nuisance and you should get the council involved and keep a diary.

There a no specific laws in UK such as there are - reputedly - in other countries such as not putting washing out on Sunday or playing music after 1000pm...

Some people think that as it's their house they can do what they like. What an example for their DCs

We had exactly the same issue a few years ago when the man who owns the house behind us decided to move away and rent his property to students.

The noise was awful and our property got damaged.

DH was also very nearly going down the mental health route and we got so far as putting our house on the market. During this time, the house behind us was sold to a lovely "normal" couple who are lovely and, when they do have parties, they contact and let us know and usually invite us too.

I completely understand how you and your DH feel OP. it wasn't just a terrible time for him but I had to deal with the fallout of his reaction t the situation.

Life's too short and these people sound like arseholes. Sell up and move.

I feel sorry for you both OP. People can be do inconsiderate.

Our neighbours can be pests at times too. One set things it’s acceptable to key it’s dig out about 8pm on a Sunday morning barking it’s head off! Selfish as anything. We don’t want to hear your dog yapping that early on the only day we could have a lie in. Drives me mad. Take it for a walk ffs.

There’s other ones that sit in their garden until midnight, drinking and getting louder with each hour. Again, totally selfish and no respect.

I would phone the council again and tell them about the bike. If someone causing a nuisance enough to make you want to move- it’s a problem!!

Let it’s dog out I mean

8am