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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling a bit humiliated by tactless friend

317 replies

bagpuss90 · 07/08/2020 07:55

This friend very kindly offered to lend me some money -when I had some lockdown cash flow problems. I’m self employed . I’d agreed to pay her back earlier this week . We were going to another friends house to sit in the garden I said Id slip her the money in an envelope then when we got a minute on our own which we would have done at some point . Six of us were there-all doing the social distancing thing. I did offer to do a bank transfer but she said she wanted cash-fair enough. Anyway we’d been there less than half an hour when she said”have you got the money you owe me please” ? This was in front of four other people -it all went quiet . I gave her the money in an envelope .
It might sound silly but I felt about “so big”. I hadn’t dragged my heels re paying it. I was paying it back bang on the time we’d agreed . We hadn’t been there hours and I’m sure I could have slipped in to her in the envelope I’d put it in at some point. Am I wrong in thinking this was at best bloody tactless and at worst slightly nasty ?

OP posts:

GreenRoads · 07/08/2020 11:44

She was direct. She had no way of knowing that the OP considered the repayment of a loan between friends as some kind of sensitive, private occasion, to be done secretly with no witnesses.

bd751861 · 07/08/2020 11:48

I really believe we use the word friend very lightly. Sounds to me like this woman is not a friend, friends don't treat each other badly in private or in front of others.
She is someone you know who was good enough to lend you money and called you out in Front of other people which resulted in you feeling embarrassed, she doesn't sound like a friend to me, adapt your relationship with her accordingly ! She is just someone you know.

wheretonow123 · 07/08/2020 11:59

Her looking for cash rather than bank transfer is strange and perhaps telling.

Do people not do most money transfers like this by bank transfer nowadays?

BrummyMum1 · 07/08/2020 12:01

I’d wonder what the hell was going on if I saw a friend awkwardly and secretively slipping another friend an envelope of cash at my house. I think your friend was right to avoid that situation, that would have been more embarrassing than the situation you’ve described.

GreenRoads · 07/08/2020 12:03

I don't find anything remotely odd in her asking for cash -- I'm finding it difficult to get to an ATM at the moment, and shopping is minimal (so cashback opportunities almost nil), and I think if someone was replaying me a loan of up to a couple of hundred at the moment, I'd probably ask for cash likewise with absolutely no ill intent, just because it would be useful. I like to keep some cash in the house in case of emergencies, and we have none at the moment.

Sarah510 · 07/08/2020 12:03

I just cant imagine every doing what your 'friend' did, nor can I imagine any friend of mine doing it. OP I get why you're upset

CSIblonde · 07/08/2020 12:10

I'd have just handed it over as we arrived,not said when we get a quiet moment to avoid just this scenario. Maybe she thought you were stalling. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt here, but it was a bit crass of her. If she is usually so thoughtless or habitually embarrasses you , I'd put some distance in. Life's too short.

lilgreen · 07/08/2020 12:10

That was rude of her. However I do think you should have indicated to her on arrival that you had the money. There’s nothing worse than getting the feeling someone is stalling on repaying money.

jessstan2 · 07/08/2020 12:16

She was horrible and it was embarrassing for everyone. Your friend actually showed herself up! You didn't because you had the cash ready to give her in an envelope which everybody else saw.

The woman has obviously not heard of never letting your right hand know what your left is doing.

I would not be keen on befriending her any more; I hope she is on Mumsnet and reads this!

CustardySergeant · 07/08/2020 12:17

"It sounds a bit tactless, but maybe she didn't want a bank transfer because she's overdrawn."

I don't understand. Surely if she was overdrawn, someone putting money into her account would be a good thing.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 07/08/2020 12:18

@FeelLiedTo

4th possible reason - To have cash spend at the local market where you can’t pay by card

5th possible reason - To have cash to put in children’s birthday cards

6th possible reason - to have cash to give to Big Issue sellers

I’m sure there are many more

Allmyfavouritepeople · 07/08/2020 12:21

It was an embarrassing situation whether your friend meant it to be or not. The fact everyone went quiet makes me think it wasnt in the general flow of conversation. However as you had the money all ready it's her that looks awkward not you by halting the conversation.

Unless you're going to ask her about it I wouldn't think about it anymore. Either chalk it up to experience or ask her why she did it like that when she knew you had the money ready. Don't dwell on it.

ScribblingMilly · 07/08/2020 12:21

It was rude and the fact that the room fell silent means everyone thought she was rude. The fact that you had the money ready in an envelope made you look conscientious & decent. Don't worry about it. She was nice enough to lend you the money but maybe not someone you'd want to ask for help again.

LemonTT · 07/08/2020 12:23

@wheretonow123

Her looking for cash rather than bank transfer is strange and perhaps telling.

Do people not do most money transfers like this by bank transfer nowadays?

She might not want to give out her bank details. The OPs version of events give the impression her friend had lost faith in her. That would explain why she was assertive in saying she wanted it back in cash when they next met.

IMO the OP should have handed it over immediately. There’s nothing embarrassing about walking over and saying, here’s the money I own you, plus all the thank yous. Nobody else needed to know if it was £20 from a meal they had or £2000 to pay the mortgage. Friends owe each other the time for tickets and holidays etc. This type of interactionis hardly abnormal.

To the friend the OP could have appeared evasive. She might have had bad experiences with people evading paying money back. We all have had this.

I don’t want the OP to feel worse but I expect the others may have known about this and the get together was a ruse to get the money with group support.

JeSuisPoulet · 07/08/2020 12:23

Well, at least you have witnesses to say you definitely gave it back, I'd be worried about that more as you have no record of giving it to her!
Try to forget it, if anything others there will have been inwardly cringing too.

howfarwevecome · 07/08/2020 12:23

She sounds quite nasty, deliberately embarrassing you in this manner. What a cow.

sonjadog · 07/08/2020 12:28

It is amazing how many posters think she should cut out her friend for this. The friend who offered to lend her money in a time of need. What a bitch she must be. Borrow money from someone else next time, OP. That will show her.

YgritteSnow · 07/08/2020 12:29

I don't understand. Surely if she was overdrawn, someone putting money into her account would be a good thing.

You really don't understand why someone might have so little money that they need accessible cash, which they won't have if it's swallowed up by an overdraft?

jessstan2 · 07/08/2020 12:30

wheretonow123

Her looking for cash rather than bank transfer is strange and perhaps telling.

Do people not do most money transfers like this by bank transfer nowadays?
..
There's nothing wrong in asking for cash and it's easy enough to get it from an atm. It's nice to have a bit of cash.

jessstan2 · 07/08/2020 12:33

@CustardySergeant

"It sounds a bit tactless, but maybe she didn't want a bank transfer because she's overdrawn."

I don't understand. Surely if she was overdrawn, someone putting money into her account would be a good thing.

Not if she wanted some readies.

I don't get why people are concerned about how the money was given, if the woman wanted cash fair enough. She got it.

The issue here is announcing it in front of others when the op was going to pay her then anyway. Most embarrassing.

spoons123 · 07/08/2020 12:46

I wonder if your friend deliberately wanted people to witness the money being returned so there could be no argument about it later?

Just a thought.....

LynetteScavo · 07/08/2020 12:46

She was very rude and she should have agreed to a bank transfer. But you could have just silently handed over the envelope and neither of you needed to say anything in front of the others.

The money you owed could have been for anything...she could have bought tickets for you to go somewhere together (not likely atm I know!) so I think the others present will see her for the bitch she is, as you really shouldn't feel bad.

wheretonow123 · 07/08/2020 12:50

@jessstan2, yes that is true.

Probably also to had over when they all arrived would have been fine but OP might have felt embarrassed if she though that the friend might mention it to friends at another point in time.

fairlyplump · 07/08/2020 12:51

she seriously did that deliberately to show you up, what a bitch

Daisy12Maisie · 07/08/2020 12:51

It may have stressed her out you hadnt given it to her straight away. She was probably worries rather than trying to be horrible.

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