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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband trying to rehome cat behind my back

125 replies

Jj2431 · 06/08/2020 13:51

we have a rescue cat. She is 8. Since being pregnant she doesn't want to interact and her behaviour has deteriorated. She does things she never used to, she goes on counter now, if we take her off she wees on it later, she wees in her bed etc and is generally stressed. Whenever she goes out she doesn't come back and the neighbours have now resorted to trapping her as she is bullying the neighbourhood cats out of their homes. We have now decided to keep her in. I know the situation isn't great but I want to keep working at it and hope it improves when baby is born,however, husband has been getting more and more fed up with it all and has no contacted the rescue behind my back to tell them the situation and basically say he wants to return her. He told me after he did it. I feel so betrayed. He isn't even sorry. He said something had to be done as we are all miserable and it's more stress on top of a baby being due in a week. Not sure how I can forgive him for this to be honest. They'll probably take my cat now anyway thanks to him. He thinks AIBU. Am i?

OP posts:

unmarkedbythat · 06/08/2020 15:55

He said something had to be done as we are all miserable and it's more stress on top of a baby being due in a week.

I'm inclined to agree with him, although I do think he should have told you before he contacted the rescue to discuss options. The cat is unhappy, the neighbours are unhappy, your DH is unhappy and you are about to have your (first?) baby... In your shoes I would be thinking about finding her a home that suits her better.

Original poster

Jj2431 · 06/08/2020 15:58

@unmarkedbythat 3rd baby x

OP posts:

DopamineHits · 06/08/2020 16:00

Honestly? You don’t want a cat like that (or any cat) when you have a baby.

Bollocks. You think people should just end commitment to pets because they're having a baby? I sincerely hope someone with an attitude like yours doesn't have any animals. When you adopt a pet, they become family members. They're not amusements until something better comes along.

fascinated · 06/08/2020 16:01

You’re being ridiculous. Pets are animals. Humans are more important. And anyway, the cat seems unhappy.

fascinated · 06/08/2020 16:02

You lot are bonkers!

monkeymonkey2010 · 06/08/2020 16:04

so ring them back and say your tosser of a husband had no right to try and re-home her behind your back - especially when you're willing to try stuff to help her.
Poor cat!

If my man did that to my cats he'd find his stuff waiting for him on the pavement when he came back from work and the locks changed!

Ideasplease322 · 06/08/2020 16:07

Can’t believe your husband would consider rehoming a family pet that you made a commitment to without talking to the vet or trying even the most basic of remedies.

A simple google would have suggested trying feliway.

I makes me so cross when people just give pets back when they become older, or a little difficult or no longer fit their lifestyle.

Shinygreenelephant · 06/08/2020 16:08

Definitely try Feliway. My cats both got very stressed when we remodelled the house a couple of years ago and their behaviour went awful for a while - weeing all over the place and scratching the place to bits, utterly destroying our new couches within weeks. Celibacy made a massive difference and they're much better now although they still scratch the couches sometimes. My husband hates it and I know he'd love to rehome them so we could have new couches. He also knows that I'd rehome him first.

DopamineHits · 06/08/2020 16:15

If she is protesting your third pregnancy, she will probably calm down once the baby comes.

If you have to, put her in a cattery for a week or two to give you all a break, that would be far kinder than sending her away from her family at the age of 8 years old. It's quite likely that an 8 year old cat with behavioural problems will be put to sleep. With some time and patience she'll probably go back to normal. I would take her to the vet and ask for further health tests. A quick check up while having jabs is not thorough enough.

Flutterpieandpinkieshy · 06/08/2020 16:15

@fascinated

You’re being ridiculous. Pets are animals. Humans are more important. And anyway, the cat seems unhappy.

People like you are the reason animals are discarded like they're nothing.

Cakeorchocolate · 06/08/2020 16:17

Have you let the cat around the baby things that you must have out ready?
Not like sleeping in them or anything daft like that, just so she gets used to all of it.
Also i remember reading something about putting their scent on the things.
When I was pregnant I did that. I can't remember what i used. Maybe a blanket or towel or something they can sleep on and then just wiped it around like the legs of a cot/moses basket frame, the outside of the car seat, that kind of thing. Not so there's fur everywhere just to familiarise themselves with all of it. If any of that makes sense!

I also was quick to introduce the cats to the baby when we got home with her and still give them fuss while holding the baby.

We weren't experiencing the issues you have but just thought it might be worth a mention.
Good luck

BigChocFrenzy · 06/08/2020 16:19

I know which one I'd rehome

If you know which rescue he contacted, I'd tell them you have not agreed to give up your cat,
so they are not to accept it if he brings it round

Once you have a pet, a living breathing creature,
deciding to rehome has to be a mutual decision, without bullying.

OutOfHours · 06/08/2020 16:20

Cats start peeing everywhere if they have a water infection, this would not be picked up on in a routine appointment, a urine sample would be required.
It can cause a lot of the issues you described, my brothers cat went through it and she was terrible.

Good luck

tara66 · 06/08/2020 16:24

Sorry I think your husband is right. Some ''rescued'' cats just never adjust.

Miafey · 06/08/2020 16:24

Toys aren't an option. She is 8 and doesn't like playing.
That's odd. I had a cat who still played from time to time in her 20s. You might want to try some different toys.

rosiethehen · 06/08/2020 16:26

Take her to the vet for a checkup.

Get a Feliway diffuser.

Get some Zylkene for cats and sprinkle the contents of the capsule onto her dry food.

Set up another cat litter tray somewhere quiet.

Make her a hiding base somewhere quiet - bed, blanket, toys etc.

Get her some catnip to play with.

Get her some dried valerian herb - give a couple of pieces a day to roll in or eat.

The cat is stressed for some reason.

Flutterpieandpinkieshy · 06/08/2020 16:27

@Miafey

Toys aren't an option. She is 8 and doesn't like playing. That's odd. I had a cat who still played from time to time in her 20s. You might want to try some different toys.

Then again some cats are just miserable bastards who don't want to lift a paw.

Ineedflour · 06/08/2020 16:29

He should have spoken to you first but both he and cat are clearly unhappy and your life is about to change as you become parents. A proper rehoming of the cat may be in everyone's best interests, cat included.

FlySheMust · 06/08/2020 16:30

I'm with your DH. You can't have that kind of mess with a baby in the house.

Better to rehome her if the neighbours hate her as well.

Original poster

Jj2431 · 06/08/2020 16:31

Oh and now he has lied. He told me he asked about adoption but also asked for advice from them about the situation. I've managed to read what he said and he never once asked for advice just said he wanted rid and explained why. I've kicked him out for a bit. I'm so upset. This is the last thing I need. Can't wait to give birth next to someone who betrays me. What is supposed to be a joyful time is now over shadowed by his clear lacking of mine and the children's feelings.

OP posts:

GrolliffetheDragon · 06/08/2020 16:34

My cats completely changed their behaviour towards me when I was pregnant.

They went back to normal (well, sort of, I mean a brought a small wailing creature home!) after the baby was born. I think you change how you smell when you're pregnant and some cats love it (the one who wouldn't stop trying to cuddle up to me as close as possible) and some hate it (the one who didn't like being in the same room as me, and even objected to me feeding him).

DarkMintChocolate · 06/08/2020 16:35

I don’t understand what the neighbours have to do with it? Cats have their dominance hierarchy and it sounds like your cat is top of her hierarchy? So what? My cat was the same - none of the neighbours cats dared go out their own front doors because of her and she went into their houses to eat their food! Guess what - a big male tom moved in nearby, and bullied her for the rest of her life!

She is dead now; we get another male cat coming into our house if he can - eating our cats’ food and hissing at them in their own home! None of the neighbours gets up in arms about whichever cat is dominant!

If DH tried to take my cats back to the rescue, he’d be rehomed! He wouldn’t anyway, because he worships the ground one of them walks on!

Ninkanink · 06/08/2020 16:39

@Shinygreenelephant

Celibacy made a massive difference and they're much better now although they still scratch the couches sometimes.

Given the context of the thread this autocorrect made me .

@Jj2431 Maybe next time you could try celibacy!

MitziK · 06/08/2020 16:40

Was he ever alone with the cat?

Cats often jump onto high surfaces when they feel threatened at floor level (such as if they get regularly kicked, shouted at or trodden on). And weeing on their bed often happens when they are in pain using the litter tray.

To be honest, I don't think you need him at the hospital. Or the house, looking after the other DC, as you wouldn't be able to relax in case the cat is gone when you get back.

I also think the cat needs a vet visit to check for infections or possible damage.

Ninkanink · 06/08/2020 16:40

Awww @Jj2431crosspost...

I’m sorry you’re so upset!

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