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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband trying to rehome cat behind my back

125 replies

Jj2431 · 06/08/2020 13:51

we have a rescue cat. She is 8. Since being pregnant she doesn't want to interact and her behaviour has deteriorated. She does things she never used to, she goes on counter now, if we take her off she wees on it later, she wees in her bed etc and is generally stressed. Whenever she goes out she doesn't come back and the neighbours have now resorted to trapping her as she is bullying the neighbourhood cats out of their homes. We have now decided to keep her in. I know the situation isn't great but I want to keep working at it and hope it improves when baby is born,however, husband has been getting more and more fed up with it all and has no contacted the rescue behind my back to tell them the situation and basically say he wants to return her. He told me after he did it. I feel so betrayed. He isn't even sorry. He said something had to be done as we are all miserable and it's more stress on top of a baby being due in a week. Not sure how I can forgive him for this to be honest. They'll probably take my cat now anyway thanks to him. He thinks AIBU. Am i?

OP posts:

rebecca102 · 06/08/2020 15:04

@heymacaroner I agree

VeganVeal · 06/08/2020 15:08

Its the kittens I feel sorry for

SlyOldStoatyStoat · 06/08/2020 15:12

Go to YouTube, search My Cat From Hell and take notes.

It’s always the humans causing the issues, sorry.

WiddlinDiddlin · 06/08/2020 15:12

Not sure why folk are so surprised that the change in an owner from not pregnant to pregnant and all the hormones changes that come with that could affect animal behaviour.

You do realise they are FAR more aware of our hormones/pheramones than WE are - many animals have a far better sense of smell than we do and are far better adapted to pick up on hormonal changes in others around them.

OP - try Feliway and speak to your vet about drugs that can help your cat cope better, reduce stress etc.

If that doesn't work, there are cat behaviourists (and I would expect many would be doing remote video based consultations currently), and they could help you reduce stress for your cat.

If you do try these routes and still your cat remains distressed, then rehoming is the sensible option, but I can understand your desire to do the best for your pet before resorting to that!

gutentag1 · 06/08/2020 15:13

Your hormones have changed so you smell completely different to her and are probably bringing all sorts of new furniture into the house which has unsettled her.

As she's a rescue, you have no idea what she's gone through before - maybe she was dumped when her previous owner became pregnant so she associates your new smell with being abandoned and is extremely stressed.

Please give her a few months after baby is born to settle down.

MsSquiz · 06/08/2020 15:16

Cats definitely know when someone is pregnant. One of mine went from hating any kind of affection to always lying next to me or on me when I fell pregnant. When the baby arrived she became very protective of DD, sitting next to people when they held DD (even though she wouldn't have been in the same room previously!)

I definitely recommend feliway plug ins. My friend who's a vet nurse and has cats and a child recommended them to me, as it helps keep them calm and relaxed when changes are happening.
Is it that the cat is getting less attention or is no longer allowed to go in certain rooms due to baby?
It could be that its acting up because it knows "something" is happening but doesn't know what

Notredamn · 06/08/2020 15:16

She sounds really unwell. A check up when having vaccinations doesn't cover a specific appointment for the symptoms she's displaying.

FrogInAHat23 · 06/08/2020 15:16

YANBU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Disgusting behaviour on the part of your DH. My DH would be an ex-'D'H if he behaved like yours did!!!!

Honeyroar · 06/08/2020 15:19

While he was out of order I can understand where he is in terms of his frustration. We took on our elderly neighbour’s cat several years ago when he went into a home. We bought his house off him and knocked through to ours. The cat was 17. She’d started being very dirty in his house after his wife died, and although he loved it he’d thought about putting her to sleep because he was struggling. In our house she did the same. We gave her the benefit of the doubt as she’d lost both her owners, we’d had lots of building work and we had two dogs for her to get used to. But she drove me crazy. She peed on the sideboard and we had to throw away a load of books that got soaked. She perfect on the wooden dining table and stained it. She peed on the kitchen work surfaces, just about every bit of carpet we had. The house stunk. It was awful. I tried having her outside as much as possible. Fussing her on the settee trying to relax her. Nothing worked. People suggested having her as a stable cat (we have stables) but she was a 17yr old fine haired cat that had spent her life inside and winters are harsh here, so I thought it was cruel. So one day, at the end of summer, before the cold set in, when the vet was here for the horses we had her quietly PTS in her own bed. (Not suggesting that for your cat, she’s not old. Just saying I can understand the frustration). She’s clearly unhappy. I’d get her checked once more, discuss it with the vet - see what they think. Then see how she is once the baby is born. If she doesn’t settle and remains so stressed it really might be worth seeing if you could rehomed her somewhere where she has more space (less other cats in the area) and a bit more peace.

etherealbeauty · 06/08/2020 15:20

Assuming you took cat to bets to check for cystitis?
My cat is 7 and gets this and wees everywhere

fascinated · 06/08/2020 15:20

@CasuallyMasculine

Rehome this cat and try again with a new pet in a year or two.

Please don’t take this advice. You don’t want to put another cat through the same stress as your current one. Sharing a house with a toddler is no picnic for any cat, unless they’ve grown up with them.

@CasuallyMasculine You’re probably right. Maybe a fish would be better.

Arrowcat · 06/08/2020 15:20

I think everyone has said lots of really good advice.
In my experience cats know you are pregnant - they will often get upset with a baby however they often come through it.

From what you've said there's it sounds like its not just be pregnancy setting her off. Time when she goes out and back in and what other cats are around - have there been any new cats recently? Leave a window open and if you hear her scrapping run out and stand behind her. Some cats like the reassurance of you there and will then just leave it.

Your neighbours do not have a right to trap your cat. The neighbours tom who regularly beats our cat up won't come too close to the house cos he knows we will streak out and chase him. They learn.

Make sure she has a safe place away from baby. And in the first few months she cannot be left alone with baby. A cat sitting in the Moses basket is not cute. It's territorial.
Does she have protected time with you ? (Eg every night at 10pm is cat cuddle time)
And feliway - three for a big house.

You might find she settles down eventually. Everything I've suggested will sound like I'm bonkers but she's worth time and patience before going to a rescue centre. Our cat hated the baby. Loves her now she's three and feeds him tuna when we arnt looking.
Good luck with all and congratulations. X

fascinated · 06/08/2020 15:21

I can’t believe people are saying to end the relationship over something like this. Honestly, get some perspective.

ellendegeneres · 06/08/2020 15:23

As others have said, mine knew when I was pregnant. One went from a lap cat to a bit wild but when baby arrived wouldn’t let baby out of his sight. Never got too close but guarded baby like it was his new role in life. Also went back to former self, it was like a reaction to my hormones. One of my others had been wild anyway but also took on the protector role. Went from semi feral to an absolute dream.

So I’m of the camp of definitely not rehoming while you’re pregnant, see how things go. Of course the behaviour isn’t pleasant, but maybe take her for a check up and a chat with the vet to see if they can recommend anything.

As an aside if my dh tried to rehome one of mine behind my back I don’t think I could forgive him

Shmithecat2 · 06/08/2020 15:32

@fascinated
Rehome this cat and try again with a new pet in a year or two.

WTAF? It's not a fucking coat that no longer fits.

Savingshoes · 06/08/2020 15:34

My friends Tom cat did this when she was pregnant. He was an indoor cat and got quite vicious towards her. Didn't calm down when her son was born either but didn't harm the boy.
Think it was her changing his safe haven/home that was stressing the cat out.

Trisolaris · 06/08/2020 15:35

@fascinated

I can’t believe people are saying to end the relationship over something like this. Honestly, get some perspective.

It would be the most serious argument dp and I had ever had if he tried to rehome our cat.

No exaggeration. She’s family. You don’t just rehome family without trying EVERYTHING possible to make her happy.

My parents have had maybe 20 cats throughout their marriage, of those, one chose to live elsewhere because our house was too busy and one they agreed to rehome because he wasn’t happy. It was not an easy decision and until a new home was found that he was happy at they still didn’t know it was right. It’s a horrible decision to have to make.

Shmithecat2 · 06/08/2020 15:37

@fascinated

I can’t believe people are saying to end the relationship over something like this. Honestly, get some perspective.

What, something like deceit, going behind someone's back, betraying someone?

You need to up your standards if you think that's acceptable in a marriage.

GlomOfNit · 06/08/2020 15:40

It's definitely a Thing, cats changing their behaviours when their person is pregnant. My vet was almost disapproving when I told her I was pregnant and very careful to check the cat over and ask if she was behaving normally. I think she was, but the vet explained that cats very often get stressed if their person's pregnant. And then there's the new, noisy, attention-grabbing baby ...

I would also be hurt if my partner tried to rehome the cat behind my back but it does sound fairly unmanageable. Talk to the vet and see if there's anything you can do to calm the cat - the Feliway room sprays or diffusers are quite good and might help. You will (presumably) smell normal again once you've had your baby, so it's a matter of finding a short-term solution.

SunshineCake · 06/08/2020 15:40

We know of someone who has rehomed an eight year old cat as the previous owners wanted rid now they have a baby. The cat will now have a great life but I think the previous owners are awful. There is no suggestion the cat was misbehaving or unwell.

With you, the cat is sad about something but there are plenty of things you can try before you give her up.

I had had my cat for about seven years before I got pregnant and I had three kids in four years. She only acted like she knew something was different in one pregnancy.

Flutterpieandpinkieshy · 06/08/2020 15:41

OP.

My cat absolutely knew when I was pregnant both times. Her behaviour changed drastically. And once the baby was born things only got worse... She just wasn't happy. I have no happy ending to offer you I'm afraid, we tried everything and had to rehome her in the end.

Devlesko · 06/08/2020 15:45

I'd be wondering what else he's doing behind your back.
I can see where he's coming from, horrible dirty things to have in your home. Yuk.
He obviously doesn't feel like he can communicate with you about it.

ZooKeeper19 · 06/08/2020 15:51

@Jj2431 sounds like UTI. Poor kitty. As some said I'd have a strong work with the man. The cat IS your family already and this is how she should be treated.

I would definitely have her checked specifically for urinary infection, then her teeth. She sounds stressed and unhappy. What may also help is to make a routine you stick to, and always give her her space. If she does not like to play that's fine, every cat is different.

I hope you find a way to deal with this that does not include rehoming -the husband- the kitty. Cats and babies are super cute combos! Good luck.

StatisticallyChallenged · 06/08/2020 15:52

Every cat I've had has reacted to pregnancy-mostly in my case by becoming more affectionate, two of my boys took to licking me! Given how close you are to delivery I would stick with her, get feliway etc and see what happens once baby arrives. My experience with my females is that they seemed to intuitively recognise that a baby was a baby (if that makes sense) and my current girl will come running if my youngest is crying.

IntermittentParps · 06/08/2020 15:52

He was being very U not to discuss it with you first. I'd be pissed off too. No advice about the cat, sorry: have you tried/could you speak to the rescue for behavioural advice?

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