Husband trying to rehome cat behind my back

[Jj2431]

we have a rescue cat. She is 8. Since being pregnant she doesn't want to interact and her behaviour has deteriorated. She does things she never used to, she goes on counter now, if we take her off she wees on it later, she wees in her bed etc and is generally stressed. Whenever she goes out she doesn't come back and the neighbours have now resorted to trapping her as she is bullying the neighbourhood cats out of their homes. We have now decided to keep her in. I know the situation isn't great but I want to keep working at it and hope it improves when baby is born,however, husband has been getting more and more fed up with it all and has no contacted the rescue behind my back to tell them the situation and basically say he wants to return her. He told me after he did it. I feel so betrayed. He isn't even sorry. He said something had to be done as we are all miserable and it's more stress on top of a baby being due in a week. Not sure how I can forgive him for this to be honest. They'll probably take my cat now anyway thanks to him. He thinks AIBU. Am i?

My rescue cat went right off me during my pregnancy though had gotten better again shortly before the end.

Thing is, you now smell different, and all the baby things coming into the house smell strange and there’s probably stuff in places that there didn’t used to be stuff so the layout of her territory has changed and she doesn’t understand what’s going on.
She might have had a bad experience with children previously and the smells she recognises are scaring her.

You can though, absolutely, overcome this.
Feliway is amazing and apart from that, Best thing you can do is try to create ‘safe’ spaces that are just hers I.e buy a big cat tree with perches and do not move it anywhere once it’s in. Try a window hammock for the back door or sill perches In as many rooms as possible - cheap and effective as they give the cat somewhere to run to and give them a feeling of security in the space. (www.zooplus.co.uk/shop/cats/cat_beds_baskets/window_seats/94314?variantid=94314.0&gclid=CjwKCAjw1K75BRAEEiwAd41h1La9AoTfVzIADvUPULVh-mZ5k04L1Zc_rrQ5WM-5yN0r35LvQqocPBoCwqYQAvD_BwE)

I would never forgive my husband if he decided to 'take charge" behind my back and look at rehoming one of our dogs.

Rehoming an animal is a joint decision. Who the fuck does he think he is? Are you married to one of those men that thinks that you are simply a vessel for his child, and that you should have zero autonomy or control over your own decisions?

My cat became really distant from me when I got pregnant. She never forgave me even after the baby was born (he was a noisy, crying alien, to be fair). I would say it's unlikely to get better when the baby is born, and then you'll have a newborn to contend with too. Our cat had to be put down at the beginning of lockdown, I think the stress of having a toddler at large in the house finished her off.

I would be extremely unhappy if my husband went behind my back, it's not his sole decision to make.

No, she has never been allowed in bedrooms, she has her own bed downstairs

The cat will definitely know you're pregnant. They can sense changes in you - often before you even know about them yourself. Peeing outside of the litter tray is a classic sign of stress too (assuming you've rule out all health problems).

I would give Feliway a try - and there are also tablets that can help with stress and anxiety in cats. Maybe have a chat with your vet if the Feliway doesn't work? Good luck!

PS - your husband is a dick.

I agree that Felixstowe is worth trying. Mine adore DS and always have but I was pregnant when I got them (although I didn't know) so they didn't know any different!

Cat might settle down once baby is here - it might be the unknown that's stressing v her out.

thanks everyone. I'm not saying it is definitely because I am pregnant but I have heard they can sense it and she was fine until then,in fact we had an amazing bond and I still tried to carry that on even when I found out I was pregnant. She did used to live with children before. Not sure of their ages.

I've been hoping with feliway and when baby is here that things may change. I'd rather see than give up on her. We took the decision to home her and I know how she can be and I don't want to give up because I'm having a baby. I'm upset that he couldn't have sat me down and said what he wanted to do. He didn't know if i would agree or not for sure so I think that's a poor excuse. When you're married you're supposed to discuss big issues and have compromises not just make decisions for people. This pregnancy has been really hard and I didn't need this on top of it. I could go into labour any minute and I'm angry and upset with him.

If you are a week from giving birth you probably are a bit bonkers (see they’ll probably take my cat away now anyway, don’t worry we’ve all done it!) and he’s trying to do the right thing. The cat sounds unhappy and you don’t need her weeing everywhere on top of a newborn.

Yes, he should have discussed it first and exhausted other cat management strategies first but at least he’s not a complete man child who leaves you to take responsibility for everything.

Feliway!

Cats only toilet when they shouldn't when they're either stressed or ill. Its only anecdotal obviously, but I had 5 cats when I was pregnant and none of them played up...

If my DH tried to rehome any of my cats behind my back though, for whatever reason, I would seriously divorce him. That is not fucking on.

Honestly? You don’t want a cat like that (or any cat) when you have a baby.

I’d accept that it isn’t working: that cat is obviously stressed and unhappy, and it’s really bothering your husband . Rehome this cat and try again with a new pet in a year or two.

I'd be rehoming my husband if he did that and I'm not even joking

Not nice of your Husband at all. Your cat is a family member, and joint responsibility. Your moggy may need some attention from a vet, but I would personally just press on with trying to work out what any of the problems were.. There are some complicated cats about.!

I would re-home a man, but never any of my three cats !!

I'm with you Cheeseybites.

@Mumoblue

Rehome the husband.

I'm kidding, but I would be very angry about this. I would talk to your vet to see what you can do about it before letting him jump to rehoming the cat. The cat obviously sounds stressed and you may be able to help her with medication, or perhaps a feliway plug in.

My cat got a UTI when I was pregnant due to stress. Mostly at us moving furniture around without her permission. She is entirely settled (and actually more affectionate) now that the baby is here.

With you on this @mumoblue

Cats do get stressed easily from changes to their environment so if you're setting up for the new baby that might have unsettled it.

How long have you had the cat? Do you know much about it's background?

We have a rescue, he's gorgeous and really come out of his shell after lots of hard work, but is and always has been completely terrified of anything resembling a stick (even things like the mop). All we know about his last home is they had an autistic child who was too 'noisy' towards him which, based on the cats' behaviour, we suspect means harassed him and maybe had some kind of stick like toy.
I'd speak to your vet to work out how you can help the cat settle down.
Also, I realise things don't always work out perfectly, but I would genuinely find it unforgivable that your husband wants to return it. Animals are for life, you can't just take them back if things are hard unless someone is seriously at risk of being hurt.

Seriously, the number of people telling you to just give up on your cat before you’ve even tried the feliway etc is awful! Pets are members of your family not just disposable. It’s so sad 😞

Rehome this cat and try again with a new pet in a year or two.

Please don’t take this advice. You don’t want to put another cat through the same stress as your current one. Sharing a house with a toddler is no picnic for any cat, unless they’ve grown up with them.

I'm actually shocked how many people seem to think it's ok to just rehome it - when you take on a pet, much like when you have a child, you have to be responsible enough to understand it might have behavioural and/or health issues. If you can't manage that don't get a pet

@Trisolaris

Seriously, the number of people telling you to just give up on your cat before you’ve even tried the feliway etc is awful! Pets are members of your family not just disposable. It’s so sad 😞

Couldn't agree more. I wouldn't give my cat away for anything.

I'm sure it's been said but rehome him.

I actually have a thread all about how bonkers I thought people that told me to get rid of my cat(s) when I was pregnant. There really is no need unless nothing can be done and it's best for the cat.

I've been pregnant six times and my cats have always known. Though in my case they both became super affectionate each time.

Even so, I would still get her to the vet for some tests (blood/urine). Weeing everywhere was the first sign of our two cats' kidney disease. It might be down to stress, but could just as easily be a coincidental medical problem which wouldn't show up during the routine examination they do when vaccinating.

I feel sorry for your cat and hope that it goes to a loving home where it will be wanted .

@minipie It's actually a thing. Everytime my auntie got pregnant her cat left for the whole time and came back months after giving birth and my friends cats acted really weird and played up when she got pregnant.

@TheStuffedPenguin

I feel sorry for your cat and hope that it goes to a loving home where it will be wanted .

A little uncalled for seeing as OP clearly does care for and want her, even if her husband is less keen.