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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you be ok with your husband going to the cinema with a female friend?

1000 replies

JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 20:38

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run.
She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

OP posts:

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 05/08/2020 23:03

Because I have known him for a very long time, and in all that time he has never even once behaved in a way which gives rise to doubt about his faithfulness and devotion to me.
Yeah my mum was married for 30 years. Trusted my dad completely. Never complained about him going anywhere. He still had an affair.
You do not know for a fact your husband would never cheat on you. No one does.

Original poster

JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 23:03

How about OP giving your friend and his wife time to sort through their split

They’ve been split for a while now! She’s moved on.

OP posts:

JBizz · 05/08/2020 23:04

@ChristmasFluff

The two things that stand out are 'when she found out' and that you 'friend' was 'so disgusted that it almost ended their marriage'.

So he didn't give her the option to come to the cinema with you - she'd prob have said no, but that's the difference between lying and telling the truth.

And then he's trying to make out you are so important he'd end the marriage over his obfuscations.

If I were you, I'd be reconsidering my friendship with this man who treats his partner so badly.

Do not for one minute think he would treat you differently

Clearly haven't read the thread. The mans wife was at work so wouldn't have been able to come regardless

And why would a friend since the age of 3 not trump an irrational, controlling and nasty wife?

DJB33 · 05/08/2020 23:04

I’d be fine with it, however she might be jealous say if he’s spending more time with you and not her and doesn’t take her out...

SchrodingersImmigrant · 05/08/2020 23:04

@TheAquaticDuchess

Now seriously though. How do bisexual couples deal with this?

I sit at home wearing one of those hoods you see on birds of prey, so that I’m not tempted into sin by the sight of any of my friends who I am, naturally, desperate to shag.

😂😂😂

Plmoknijb123 · 05/08/2020 23:04

@JBizz it is possible for someone to feel jealous in a relationship. That feeling is normal and not always a horrible controlling thing.

slashlover · 05/08/2020 23:05

*ChristmasFluff

So he didn't give her the option to come to the cinema with you - she'd prob have said no, but that's the difference between lying and telling the truth.

RTFT. His wife was at work and it was a spur of the moment thing to go to the cinema.

And then he's trying to make out you are so important he'd end the marriage over his obfuscations.

Or maybe he was disgusted that his wife phoned a woman who was widowed 3 months previously to accuse her of trying to shag her husband.

neonjumper · 05/08/2020 23:06

Why have you posted OP? The wife has moved on. Your friend is living with you. You clearly think you were not a factor in their break up .

Timekeeper2 · 05/08/2020 23:06

OP first you said it 'almost' ended their marriage.

And you've also said a few times they are split up. So, it seems it did end their marriage?

TheAquaticDuchess · 05/08/2020 23:07

You do not know for a fact your husband would never cheat on you. No one does.

I’m genuinely very sorry that you don’t have this security. I do.

Russellbrandshair · 05/08/2020 23:07

Because I have known him for a very long time, and in all that time he has never even once behaved in a way which gives rise to doubt about his faithfulness and devotion to me

I mean, not to be rude but I also know of women who swore this was true about their relationships just before their husbands affair was discovered.

Of course that doesn’t mean it’s true here, but everyone thinks their relationship is great, until it isn’t dont they? Lots of people have been completely blindsided by affairs. Very few women would say about their husbands “yes, I’m certain he’ll cheat on me at some point in our marriage, I’m actually expecting it”. Everyone thinks it won’t happen to them, that’s why affairs are so utterly devastating.

JBizz · 05/08/2020 23:07

[quote Plmoknijb123]@JBizz it is possible for someone to feel jealous in a relationship. That feeling is normal and not always a horrible controlling thing.[/quote]
To act on that jealousy is irrational and controlling

I, and every women I know would leave if their partner was funny about them spending time with a male friend, because it's controlling and shows they have no trust in you. The same applies here in reverse.

Original poster

JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 23:07

They split up later on for different reasons, they sorted things out after this.

OP posts:

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 05/08/2020 23:07

If you have such issues that your partner can't have friends of different sex, don't get a partner before you work on yourself.

😂 K, thanks for the advice.
I've got one though. Been together 9 years, about to have our third child, it's never caused any issues, but perhaps I should leave him just incase?
I also didn't say he couldn't have female friends.

myfavouritefudgecake · 05/08/2020 23:07

Please god take my DH to a marvel film so I don't have to go.

She has issues, she doesn't trust him. It's not inappropriate if the marriage is secure.

Original poster

JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 23:08

I’ve already said why I posted, I don’t need to explain myself again.

OP posts:

Timekeeper2 · 05/08/2020 23:08

*I mean, not to be rude but I also know of women who swore this was true about their relationships just before their husbands affair was discovered.

Exactly, the Relationship section is testament to this.

Marshmallow91 · 05/08/2020 23:08

If my dp told me he was going to go to the cinema with his female friend (to see a movie I had no interest in) my exact reaction would be "cool, any idea when you'll be back so I know what I'm doing with [our daughter] today? Oh, and take your key just on the off chance we're out our walk or in bed when you get home. Have fun"

This is a complete non issue for me.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/08/2020 23:09

@Plmoknijb123 so can lesbian women not go with female friends? Thing is when you go with a mate you sir in your own seats, no touching etc. When you go with your partner you hold hands, snog, have a grope. So if you go with a make friend then you do the former not the latter and it's the same as going with a woman

Original poster

JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 23:09

@myfavouritefudgecake I’d love to as long as you promise not to scream at me after

OP posts:

famousforwrongreason · 05/08/2020 23:09

I have lots of friends who do friendship like this, meeting guys who aren't their partner for friendship 'dates' including cinema and trips away.
I'm not sure where I stand..I recently had an ex who lied to me about things like this...
I think if its an old friend and genuinely platonic and an old friendship then OK but I'm not comfortable if they have been sexual partners at any time, the above mentioned most recent ex is best friends with all his most recent exes and I felt like he was taking the piss, secretive weekly dates, dinner and constant messaging, mainly with two women he'd been on and off with over a couple of years prior to meeting me .
I have done friendship dates with married men friends, not for years but if I felt their partner had any kind of issue or insecurity with it I'd back right off.
Also, any men friends of mine who have partners, I do my darndest to make some sort of friendship / connection with their gf/ wife because I think its important to take away the mistique and would also include the woman in any invitation I make.
This has worked spectacularly if a man is becoming inappropriate, as soon as I'm friends with the partner they back right off.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 05/08/2020 23:09

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

If you have such issues that your partner can't have friends of different sex, don't get a partner before you work on yourself.

I didn't mean you personally. In general. 🙄

slashlover · 05/08/2020 23:09

Going to see a movie with a person of the opposite sex is a common thing that couples do as a date. I’m not saying it’s always the case, I mean that it’s something that you do with a close friend and I would feel weird if my partner was that close with someone else.

You would feel weird if your DP had a close friend?

What about going for a meal? Going for a drink? Going to a concert? Those are things that couples do on dates, are they now not things that friends can do?

Oldbutstillgotit · 05/08/2020 23:11

@ Watdafark I was trying to make the point that I am not some uptight pensioner , I do have male friends but I cannot imagine going to the cinema / theatre/ concert / whatever as a couple but that’s me. The OP seems to me to think her friend’s DW is in the wrong to object to the close friendship but from what I have read the DW is seriously pissed off so I think the OP needs to back off.
Anyway I have run out of wine !

Plmoknijb123 · 05/08/2020 23:11

@JBizz I think that depends on how much time you’re spending with that friend though. If you’re in a relationship but you’re spending loads of your free time doing fun things and enjoying life with someone else and confiding in and growing with someone else, that’s a bit weird and it’s okay to question that behaviour. I’m not saying that’s what’s happened in OPs situation I’m just saying you can’t say no one can question any conduct ever because that’s controlling. That is also extreme.

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