How do you know if you’re an alcoholic

[Tea111]

Nc just to post this. Please no p**s takers I just want genuine advice and might sound like a stupid question But: how do I know if a) I’m an alcoholic and have issues with drinking or b) I’m just stressed and drink too much?

Take just today for an example: ndn were pissing me off as usual and instead of waiting for weekend like I promised myself I poured a drink (vodka and lemonade) just to get through the evening. I put on headphones to block them and just had a drink. I got super relaxed and didn’t feel drunk at all so poured another. The evening in some parts is a blur. DH and I took kids out for dinner and I remember parts of it. Didn’t drink when out just had lemonade. Came home we fought and he said “you’re a drunk, everyone could see in Restarant you were drunk”. He stormed off and left me to deal with kids which I did manage as usual and got them to bed. I’ve woken up now very embarrassed and determined to just spill rest of bottle in sink. I just don’t have anyone to talk to. I think I may have overreacted at neighbours which is definitely a good thing if I did as my usual non-drunk personality is doormat who just takes s**t and smiles and is friendly.

You sound depressed or a bit down so my advice is go and see your GP and talk about how things are getting on top of you and that you feel you need a drink to shut things out of your head.

If you're using alcohol to manage or suppress your emotions and/or anxiety, you have a problem with alcohol. The fact you had two large drinks whilst caring for your children is a problem. Given that parts of your memory are a "blur" is a big problem. When you're partner tells you your drinking is a problem, it's a big problem.

Tantric - will they take my kids off me? I’ve had numerous counselling and cbt in past and all 6/12 week blocks start with “how many units do you drink” I’ve never told them as worried it will flag up as safeguarding issue. I know someone this happened to (don’t know all details) so it scares me.

I drink. But, due to alcoholic mil, my opinion is, if you drink vodka at home (particularly if you don't remember things) you have a problem

OP, for SS to move to take children into care you would have to be far worse. That said, it sounds like you're self medicating a bit. Maybe chat to your GP about it.

I'm more concerned by your DP. He said you were drunk and everyone could tell, yet he left you to deal with kids. If he really thought you were drunk, would he do that? He's either exaggerating your flaws to make you feel bad or he gives no shits for the kids. He has some explaining to do.

Thank you for responses. I will read a little later after I’ve had some sleep. Any more advice or insight really appreciated. Thank you

I think you should be honest with your doctor, I don't think they will take your kids. It sounds like you are using alcohol to manage your feelings. If safe to do so, I would stop drinking, maybe make a goal, 1 week, 1 day, without it. There are also AA meetings you can join online. you could attend some zoom meetings and see how you feel. best of luck

Don’t stop suddenly if you are drinking every day - it can be dangerous!

You said some of the evening is a blur. That would suggest that you’d had a fair bit. You have obviously been worried about your drinking for a while.

It’s great that you are acknowledging it. Really. That’s a very important first step to sorting it out.

Thank you for further responses. I’m trying to get some sleep but honestly I can’t. I keep waking up dreading I’ve done something really bad. I know I haven’t and it’s just my anxiety going crazy. I just have no one I can really talk to especially at 3am! So thank you so much for providing me a place to talk. I know it’s easy to blame people but I have seriously deteriorated over lockdown due to neighbours. It’s hard to explain how little things really intensify my feelings then I either eat or drink. I only got into vodka due to hearing it’s low calories. I’ve most of my life eaten away my anxiety. No one could really tell as I’m quite slim(ish). But with alcohol I feel it’s more destructive as I don’t want to unintentionally cause harm to my kids and I don’t want to not sleep as I’m worried about what the blurred things of evening could be.

@TheChiefJo I must have missed your post when I read first time. Yes I’m afraid he’s not exaggerating, I was (still am) very drunk. I do remember people staring at me in Restarant as I was falling (didn’t realise but went out in my slippers! Only noticed when got back home). I didn’t want to include my anger at DH in original post as cbt often said take responsibility rather than blame, but where the hell was he when I was trying to get kids upstairs into bed and how did he let me leave house in slippers and not suggest we eat at home. I just feel alone and I feel I have no one ever to back me up. He know the ndn are stressing me but leaves me to deal with them. I know if I had a more supportive DH I wouldn’t run to food or drink but as my councellor have said in past - “take responsibility for your own actions n life”.

Would I let him leave home in slippers - NO. Would I leave him to deal with kids if he was drunk - NO. Would I let him make a fool of himself if he was drunk - NO. It’s so easy to say “take responsibility and you can’t control others” but most-times I feel I’m married to an a**hole.

If you can do without drink for more than three days without severe withdrawal symptoms, ie delerium tremens and fits, you're not an alcoholic. You may still be a heavy drinker which is bad but it is controllable.

I have to say that people have the same withdrawal after binge drinking, to which many A&E departments will bear witness, especially at weekends and in student areas. Bingeing is very dangerous, alcohol poisoning common and death can result from vomiting whilst in a drunken sleep or having a seizure when the gag reflux doesn't work properly.

Your children will not be taken into care because you can look after them but obviously it would be better if you controlled your alcohol intake because it is likely to get worse. Apart from that, your health will suffer.

Bugger CBT, it's useless. If you need counselling/psychotherapy go for the longer option; there is more to this than your drinking.

Good luck, you can do it.

PS: Three days is just rule of thumb, some alcoholic cannot go for three days before they start shaking.

Alcohol can hugely increase anxiety (some call it the “beer fear”) so try to put yesterday behind you now and get some sleep. Everything you need to do can be done in the morning.

I know if I had a more supportive DH I wouldn’t run to food or drink but as my councellor have said in past - “take responsibility for your own actions n life”.

I'm sorry, op, but your therapist is right. You are making excuses for your behaviour and denying responsibility. Your husband should not have left you with the children, but everything else is on you. You can't blame him, your neighbours, or anything else going on in the world.

You clearly have very serious issues with alcohol, and until you take full responsibility, I fear you are on a very slippery slope. Please think about the example you are setting for your children. Growing up with an alcoholic parent is an utter nightmare.

You stay up all night drinking single malt whisky because you can!

You don't sound too far down the road, but perhaps far enough that's it's becoming a problem. Can you google addiction services in your area?

The fact you're blaming others suggests to me there is a problem. Denial is a big problem with people with alcohol use problems. You are an adult. It's not your husband's responsibility to check on your footwear choices /suggest you eat at home. Unless you have some kind of intellectual disability, presumably you are capable of making appropriate footwear choices.

The fact you're asking on here if there's a problem, and those close to you are suggesting it's a problem, suggests that yes, there is a problem.

Well done for realising there's a problem - please act seriously on fixing it.

Social services don't take children 'away' willy nilly - but if your problem escalates, there's a chance you and your DH could separate and he could have full custody if you're not able to provide safe care (blanking out time, etc isn't a good sign).

Use this to propell yourself into action!

@BritInAus - it’s more to play here than meets the eye. I know he’s not responsible for my footwear choices! I’m not worried about DH taking custody as he cares very little for the kids. I don’t want to go into it any deeper but just for sake of not leaving things, he cares very little for anybody. Very cold and distant to everyone, always has and always will be. I knew when I married him but that’s another story for another thread. Yes I want to get better for my kids sake, I’m all they’ve really got. I will get better and I will handle my anger more productively. Thank you everyone for amazing suggestions.

@jessstan2 - I think yes I’m a heavy drinker not an alcoholic as I have gone a week without drinking and not had withdrawal. Thank you so much for clearing that up for me. Yes I agree even heavy drinking is equally bad.

I have no clue where this "no withdrawal = not alcoholic" logic comes from.

You tick all my alkie boxes, OP. It's caused big problems in your life, you're using it as a crutch, you're hiding and lying about how much. AA are online 24/7.

I am planning to call AA up today. As I think I read there’s 2 types of meetings open and closed so I think open is if you have questions about your drinking or supporting a drinker - I might be wrong so will call.

@5plus3

I drink. But, due to alcoholic mil, my opinion is, if you drink vodka at home (particularly if you don't remember things) you have a problem

I think vodka could be substituted for any alcohol which means you don't remember things. Vodka isn't the problem, it's the capacity to be so drunk you lost time that's the issue.

I don't subscribe to the "hard stuff" theory of alcohol. it's whatever gets you drunk at home that's the problem.

There are an awful lot of people who drink wine to that excess, but it's not seen as being as much as a problem on here, because it's "the wine" and it's seen as somehow completely normal.

Juniper - thank you! I was wondering what poster was saying about vodka. I just assumed she meant most alcoholics drink vodka so that got me a little worried that I fit the criteria. Yes I get equally if not more drunk on wine.

Totally agree to the comment that it doesn't mean 'if you can go three days without you're not an alcoholic' - I recently separated from my long term alcoholic partner. They were in hospital with liver levels typically seen in someone at the end of their life. They experienced no shakes / seizures when they cut out for a few days at a time.

If you're worried about your intake, lying about it, hiding it, it's affecting your life (eg ability to care for kids, work, relationships) then you have a problem. It's not to do with units/type etc.

Thank you Brit for your experience. Sorry you went through this. Yes I’m determined even more now to call AA even if they don’t think I have a problem I will still call and not back out.

You definitely sound like you have issues with alcohol. Using it as a coping mechanism regularly is not healthy and is a very slippery slope. Nobody will take your children for seeking support around your drinking, they are more likely to remove them if you dont get help and your drinking advances further. AA won't turn you away because you dont meet criteria. They are there to support anyone who feels their drinking is a problem.