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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be peeved off with this or am I being unreasonable

81 replies

kazza446 · 03/08/2020 17:16

I am a mum of 4, work full time. I am classed as a key worker. Husband was furloughed during most of lockdown but has now returned to work.

My brother has a son, who usually lives with his mum, Monday to Friday. My brother usually cares for him at the weekend. His mum is also a keyworker. His mum refused to access school child care during term time and opted to keep him at home or request my brother took leave. Brother complained at having to use leave to look after his child. He asked to be furloughed but his work refused. As soon as government introduced bubbles, my brother and ex girlfriend took my nephew to stay at my mums, (an hour and half drive away). I spoke with childs mum and explained my mum is physically unfit to look after child full time. She agreed they wouldn’t take advantage of my mum. Said child has now been left at my mums full time since 30th May and has not been home.

Just before schools broke up for summer, I text his mum asking if she had any holidays planned. I wanted to arrange for my kids to go to see their grandparents. We are an hour away. I explained I was also now struggling for childcare and asked if there was any time she was taking her son home. (My mum has already said my brother couldn’t get any holidays in the school holidays as all leave had been booked up.) I explained I could work around her and I would only need my mum for 2 days max.

We are now mid August, mother of child has made no arrangements to have her son back. I have arranged childcare elsewhere and booked out all my leave. Additionally my Mother knows I am having to leave my kids alone for long periods of time while I work. I have explained the predicament I am in and explained it is illegal for my children to stay at her house whilst nephew is there but she doesn’t see the fuss. I am therefore left unsupported and my children don’t get to spend time with their grandparents. Would you be miffed?? Kids are desperate to go and see them which I’ve relayed but my mum just says I’m being awkward in not letting them go and stay at same time as nephew. We have now fallen out over whole debacle as I said my children were being treated as a lower priority. Feeling somewhat miffed!!

OP posts:
Original poster
kazza446 · 03/08/2020 17:17

Sorry, my children are 6, 11, 12 and 14

OP posts:
JuniperFather · 03/08/2020 17:19

Why is your mum running an unlimited-tariff childcare for your brother?

Have you spoken directly with your brother about this and told him how unreasonable he is being?

Have you spoken with your mother to say how you feel she is being taken advantage of, and advised her to set a date by which she should be handing back your nephew to his actual MUM?

OneForMeToo · 03/08/2020 17:21

Your leaving a 6 year old? What your brother and your mum have arranged is between them.

Wheresthebiffer2 · 03/08/2020 17:21

Your said your mum cannot cope full-time with one child, but has actually been doing so for over two whole months. Do you think she could cope with five children for two nights?
I don't actually understand why the cousins cannot meet.

DoIneed1 · 03/08/2020 17:22

Your poor mum!

emilybrontescorsett · 03/08/2020 17:24

Yes speak to your brother.
Can your dh not take leave?
What about his parents, can they help.
Unfortunately it does sound like your children will be seeing your mum any time soon. If it makes you feel better my ex in laws always seemed to favour their other child in terms of doing things for them.

SeasonFinale · 03/08/2020 17:24

YABU. It is your mother's grandchild and if she has a problem.having him then no doubt she will take that up with your brother.

Fairenuff · 03/08/2020 17:26

I don't know why you are contacting the mother. It's up to your mum to decide how she wants to spend her time.

SeasonFinale · 03/08/2020 17:26

Also if you say your mum is unable to look after the one child why can she suddenly look after your 4?

Leaannb · 03/08/2020 17:27

So your mom is physically unfit to care for your brother's child but perfectly ok to watch 4 of yours? I'm confused

Original poster
kazza446 · 03/08/2020 17:31

Yes I told my mum what I think about it all. She has openly said she thinks he should stay with her as she thinks he’s safe with her. I don’t speak to my brother. He’s a pathological liar and I’m sure he creates stories to make my mum feel sorry for him and to give him an easy life, (ie having to take holidays to look after his own child!) We fell out mid lockdown when I expressed concern that he was planning on going against government advice and take my nephew on public transport to stay with my mum. I work in health and social care and I told him about some of things I had seen and heard dealing with COVID in an attempt to protect him and his son. He just verbally abused me saying the stories I shared were untrue and sent expletive messages saying I was sick in the head.

My mum has physical health conditions which put her in the at risk category and is in need of a knee replacement. (She has had 2 hip replacements in 12 months and has severe arthritis in her body.)
My mum has turned everything against me. She actually said I’m being awkward not allowing my children to not visit at same time. I am so upset that I’ve been made to be the bad one. My youngest keeps asking when he can go to stay. He is really close to his grandad. It just breaks my heart. Even more so now as I’ve been made out to be the bad one.

OP posts:
Original poster
kazza446 · 03/08/2020 17:31

I don’t need her for childcare. I’m sorted. I just want my children to see their grandparents

OP posts:
Original poster
kazza446 · 03/08/2020 17:33

When I say left alone, I’m working from home.

OP posts:
Bringmewineandcake · 03/08/2020 17:33

Does your nephew not count as part of your mum's household now if he's there full time? If so, then surely it would be ok for your kids to visit?

Original poster
kazza446 · 03/08/2020 17:34

My understanding of the law is only 2 families in one household at one time. Therefore whilst nephew is there we can’t visit?

OP posts:
Original poster
kazza446 · 03/08/2020 17:35

@Bringmewineandcake I’m not sure about legalities of bubbles. It’s not clear.

OP posts:
MagnoliaJustice · 03/08/2020 17:35

It's not mid August already is it?

BlueJava · 03/08/2020 17:37

Your mum seems ok with your brother's child being with her, so I don't really see it as your business. As the child has been there since 30th May they are really in your Mum's household anyway - so just go over there with your kids. To me it seems a fuss about not much (sorry if that's over harsh).

Rover83 · 03/08/2020 17:40

I dont understand what added danger your nephew poses to your children. If he's been living with your mum for 2 months then he is in her bubble. It seems no different to me than if you wanted your kids to stay at your SIL.

The agreement your mum has made between your SIL and brother is none of your business, she is entitled to help who ever and how ever she wishes. If you want your kids to see their grandparents take them over but you have to accept that your nephew is living with them so he will be present during the visit. If you are so against them seeing their cousin you will have to wait until he returns to his mother

FourPlasticRings · 03/08/2020 17:41

He's been there weeks, OP. I think he's part of that household now for COVID purposes, as PP said.

Greysparkles · 03/08/2020 17:44

You're being silly about your kids not being able to go when nephew is also there. He is living with your mother, he is part of her household.

Tbh that's guff about her not being able to look after one kid, but she can manage your 4. Really.

Appuskidu · 03/08/2020 17:45

@kazza446

My understanding of the law is only 2 families in one household at one time. Therefore whilst nephew is there we can’t visit?
But if nephew has been there since May, he isn’t from a different household
Evilwasps · 03/08/2020 17:47

This sounds like petty sibling rivalry that you're badly attempting to dress up as 'concern' for your DM.
I were your mum I'd feel very much like you and your brother were taking the piss. You're both trying to get her to do free childcare for you despite the fact that she has health issues.

It's up to her what she is happy to do though, and she has offered to have your children while your nephew is there. So you either accept that very generous offer, or make alternative arrangements like everyone else who doesn't have family help available does.

Galaxycat · 03/08/2020 17:48

@kazza446 your posts don’t make sense. On one hand you say you need your mum for 2 days max, then you say you don’t need her for childcare. Which one is it?

Original poster
kazza446 · 03/08/2020 17:48

@Greysparkles not sure what you mean? I think there’s a distinct difference about my children going to stay one night as opposed to being there 7 days a week, for 5 plus weeks. Like I said, I’ve made arrangements for my childcare it’s more about them seeing their grandparents. Maybe I’m reading guidance too rigid. Who knows?

OP posts:
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