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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be peeved off with this or am I being unreasonable

81 replies

kazza446 · 03/08/2020 17:16

I am a mum of 4, work full time. I am classed as a key worker. Husband was furloughed during most of lockdown but has now returned to work.

My brother has a son, who usually lives with his mum, Monday to Friday. My brother usually cares for him at the weekend. His mum is also a keyworker. His mum refused to access school child care during term time and opted to keep him at home or request my brother took leave. Brother complained at having to use leave to look after his child. He asked to be furloughed but his work refused. As soon as government introduced bubbles, my brother and ex girlfriend took my nephew to stay at my mums, (an hour and half drive away). I spoke with childs mum and explained my mum is physically unfit to look after child full time. She agreed they wouldn’t take advantage of my mum. Said child has now been left at my mums full time since 30th May and has not been home.

Just before schools broke up for summer, I text his mum asking if she had any holidays planned. I wanted to arrange for my kids to go to see their grandparents. We are an hour away. I explained I was also now struggling for childcare and asked if there was any time she was taking her son home. (My mum has already said my brother couldn’t get any holidays in the school holidays as all leave had been booked up.) I explained I could work around her and I would only need my mum for 2 days max.

We are now mid August, mother of child has made no arrangements to have her son back. I have arranged childcare elsewhere and booked out all my leave. Additionally my Mother knows I am having to leave my kids alone for long periods of time while I work. I have explained the predicament I am in and explained it is illegal for my children to stay at her house whilst nephew is there but she doesn’t see the fuss. I am therefore left unsupported and my children don’t get to spend time with their grandparents. Would you be miffed?? Kids are desperate to go and see them which I’ve relayed but my mum just says I’m being awkward in not letting them go and stay at same time as nephew. We have now fallen out over whole debacle as I said my children were being treated as a lower priority. Feeling somewhat miffed!!

OP posts:
User50000999788887876655 · 03/08/2020 17:51

I feel bad for your mum as her children see her as free childcare, you don’t seem bothered about your mum having to look after your brothers child you seem more upset that your mum can’t look after your children.

Appuskidu · 03/08/2020 17:51

I explained I was also now struggling for childcare and asked if there was any time she was taking her son home. (My mum has already said my brother couldn’t get any holidays in the school holidays as all leave had been booked up.) I explained I could work around her and I would only need my mum for 2 days max

Do you need her for childcare or not?

Original poster
kazza446 · 03/08/2020 17:51

Sorry, I needed her 2 days max to look after kids When I spoke with his mum at beginning of lockdown but now all sorted with my childcare. Would have also liked to have 2 days max with them at their home, me included!

OP posts:
Wecandothis99 · 03/08/2020 17:51

If he's been there for so long then he lives there in the eyes of the guidelines, therefore it's still just two households! I think you just want your kids to be the most important but you're not the only person in the family, just share your Mum and grow up a bit.

Original poster
kazza446 · 03/08/2020 17:51

No don’t need childcare!!!

OP posts:
Fedup21 · 03/08/2020 17:54

@kazza446

No don’t need childcare!!!
If you don’t need childcare and are just going to visit your mum and the child who has lived with her for months, that is fine.
MiddleClassProblem · 03/08/2020 17:59

But you did need childcare and expected your mum to do it yet also say one child is too much for her but your 4 are not.

Are you sure it isn’t you who your brother isn’t talking to rather than the other way around?

ShineYourLight2 · 03/08/2020 18:01

He is part of her household now as lots of people have said. Sounds like you're all as bad each other when it comes to needing your mother for childcare but you're just disguising it as concern.

PamDenick · 03/08/2020 18:01

Sorry - is this right. your nephew has been staying with your mum? Has his parents seen him in that time? If not, you should contact Social Services as this sounds like kinship fostering.

Thisismytimetoshine · 03/08/2020 18:05

Your Mum needs to tell the lot of you to sod off.
It's just peeved, by the way. Not peeved off.

IdblowJonSnow · 03/08/2020 18:08

Honestly,I'd be miffed too but it's your mums call ultimately.
She hasn't said she won't have yours has she. If you're that keen for some support send them at the same time that your nephew is there.

BoggledBudgie · 03/08/2020 18:10

So your mum isn’t allowed to have her grandson with her because you want your children there instead? Entitled mare.

Ponoka7 · 03/08/2020 18:13

Once he was there for two weeks, he was part of her household. So you and your children could visit. However by visiting you are now putting your Mum at risk.

If your Brother really needed the childcare then him travelling to her was allowed. That was made clear at the start during a Q&A. You could travel to drop off children, but couldn't come and go, as you want to.

You are being too rigid and causing a lot of stress to your Mum, which lowers the immune system.

Your Brother has done nothing wrong. How old is his child?

Ponoka7 · 03/08/2020 18:15

@PamDenick, it isn't kinship fostering. Many Parents have had to do similar.

Ponoka7 · 03/08/2020 18:16

Nust to add that private kinship arrangements can be made for twelve weeks during normal times.

Daisychains20 · 03/08/2020 18:16

You can visit with your children, nephew is no threat and is now part of grandparents household. You are the only one stopping yourself from visiting.

GabsAlot · 03/08/2020 18:17

hes been there for months likke you say hes in her bubble now-so you lot going there would only make it 2 households which is allowed

its up to your mum to send her grandson home not you

Honeybobbin · 03/08/2020 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrDavidBanner · 03/08/2020 18:21

I think you need to be honest with yourself. This is nothing to do with childcare and everything to do with your relationship with your brother. How much your mum is responsible for creating the division only you know but from what I can see the children are a red herring.

MoreListeningLessChatting · 03/08/2020 18:24

Nephew is your mother's household since he has been there since May! Therefore you can visit. Your children can then also see their nephew.

Sad that brother and mother of the nephew don't appear to want him at all. Maybe that is why your mother is so keen for him to stay with her?

Original poster
kazza446 · 03/08/2020 18:25

Dear god, I’m not asking her to send him home. I was upset that brother and girlfriend haven’t made any arrangements to take their child back home. I was upset they’ve taken advantage of my mum and dad. I wanted to know the legalities which have now been explained. @Thisismytimetoshine I wasn’t aware I asked for feedback on my grammar, but for reference, peeved off is a synonym!

OP posts:
MoreListeningLessChatting · 03/08/2020 18:27

You say you don't need childcare and yet you say your children want to stay there (without you? - if so that is childcare)

"I have explained the predicament I am in and explained it is illegal for my children to stay at her house whilst nephew is there but she doesn’t see the fuss. I am therefore left unsupported and my children don’t get to spend time with their grandparents." and "them go and stay at same time as nephew."

YABU

fatgirlslimmer · 03/08/2020 18:28

@DrDavidBanner

I think you need to be honest with yourself. This is nothing to do with childcare and everything to do with your relationship with your brother. How much your mum is responsible for creating the division only you know but from what I can see the children are a red herring.
This ^

You are being too rigid because you want your brother and his ex to have their child back. Your mum has said the child is better off there, he is also part of her household.

Original poster
kazza446 · 03/08/2020 18:29

As said earlier, before kids broke up for summer I needed childcare. Childcare is now sorted as I realised my mum couldn’t do it with nephew there. I was hoping to visit with my children over summer for a few days.

OP posts:
TheTeenageYears · 03/08/2020 18:33

Once he had been with your DM over the 14 day quarantine period he effectively became part of her household regardless of bubbles etc so there is absolutely no reason why you can't take your DC to see their GP's.

I completely appreciate where you are coming from in terms of the unfairness of DM providing childcare for your brother and not you but it's a situation you can't control, particularly if your DB is of the difficult variety. You have done the right thing in making alternative arrangements and not putting on your DM, the fact that he hasn't done the same is nothing to do with you and your DM could well think your interpretation of the rules is a way of punishing her for not providing equal childcare to you both. You are unfortunately in a no win situation here.

It might be best to say "sorry Mum, my understanding of the rules was that you & Dad were one household and Nephew another so would be breaking the no more than 2 household rule if DC and I came over. Having looked into it a bit more you, Dad & Nephew are one household now as he's been staying with you for so long so when would it be convenient with you for me to bring the children over?"

Saying something along those lines will disarm her because you apologise (everyone loves an apology when they feel they are right), you are explaining why you took the stance you did so she understands it's not a tit for tat over childcare and you still manage to get a bit of a dig in over just how long she has been looking after Nephew.