Would you be peeved off with this or am I being unreasonable

[kazza446]

I am a mum of 4, work full time. I am classed as a key worker. Husband was furloughed during most of lockdown but has now returned to work.

My brother has a son, who usually lives with his mum, Monday to Friday. My brother usually cares for him at the weekend. His mum is also a keyworker. His mum refused to access school child care during term time and opted to keep him at home or request my brother took leave. Brother complained at having to use leave to look after his child. He asked to be furloughed but his work refused. As soon as government introduced bubbles, my brother and ex girlfriend took my nephew to stay at my mums, (an hour and half drive away). I spoke with childs mum and explained my mum is physically unfit to look after child full time. She agreed they wouldn’t take advantage of my mum. Said child has now been left at my mums full time since 30th May and has not been home.

Just before schools broke up for summer, I text his mum asking if she had any holidays planned. I wanted to arrange for my kids to go to see their grandparents. We are an hour away. I explained I was also now struggling for childcare and asked if there was any time she was taking her son home. (My mum has already said my brother couldn’t get any holidays in the school holidays as all leave had been booked up.) I explained I could work around her and I would only need my mum for 2 days max.

We are now mid August, mother of child has made no arrangements to have her son back. I have arranged childcare elsewhere and booked out all my leave. Additionally my Mother knows I am having to leave my kids alone for long periods of time while I work. I have explained the predicament I am in and explained it is illegal for my children to stay at her house whilst nephew is there but she doesn’t see the fuss. I am therefore left unsupported and my children don’t get to spend time with their grandparents. Would you be miffed?? Kids are desperate to go and see them which I’ve relayed but my mum just says I’m being awkward in not letting them go and stay at same time as nephew. We have now fallen out over whole debacle as I said my children were being treated as a lower priority. Feeling somewhat miffed!!

@TheTeenageYears, thank you ever so much for those sensible words of advice, really appreciate them!

YANBU to be annoyed

YABVU to leave a 14 year old with the responsibility of three younger children.

I'm not trying to criticise you - I know you are at the end of your tether and I would probably do the same in your position if I had no other way out, but it is very unfair on all of your children. Your brother is probably the one you need to get on to, but it doesn't look like you'll get any joy there,

It's not illegal. If your mum is their bubble then they count as one household, so you are the second household. Or he has moved in with her, so either way it's still one household.

And anyway, you can have private gatherings (indoors or out) of up to 30 people before it's illegal now. The two households/six people thing is now guidance, not the law. But they haven't publicised this, so nobody seems to know.

Your mum needs to learn to say no if she feels it’s too much for her.

Tell her that.

And also that your brother is in the same boat as you and you’ve made arrangements so why can’t he. You’ve done your but mum. More than your bit. But enoughs enough. Don’t feel bad for telling him to find alternative childcare, you’ve been a great help. I’m sure they’ve both really appreciated it but you need a break over the summer too.

Sounds like you were only bothered about your mum's health and capacity when you wanted care for your four children.

They are taking advantage of her and it’s not fair on them (or their child) but I don’t think there is a lot you can do about it as it’s up to your mum to put her foot down and get them to pick him up or pay her for her time.

Totally missing the point but it's the 3rd of August. That is not mid August.

@SchadenfreudePersonified I don’t leave them alone. I just work in another area of the house. I’m around if needed. I have arranged childcare from a school mum when I need to go out to a couple of meetings. Yes at the end of my tether, have worked through pandemic and have heard and seen things I would never have imagined. I don’t seem to have had any support or compassion from my wider family either. I just feel like I’ve been left to manage it. Sad times.

@SuperEkstra my mums health is very important to me. I took time off last year to care for her after her hip replacement operations. Moved in to help her for the first week she was home then visited every day I was off for a month. My brother never went near.

I think you’re all taking the absolute piss out of your mum! Poor woman!

This doesn't sound like childcare. It sounds like a private fostering situation.

If you genuinely believe your DM is not able to care for a child and are not just annoyed by the situation, then you should be alerting SS.

If nephews mum isn’t contributing financially then your parents could claim the child benefit too.

@kazza446

As said earlier, before kids broke up for summer I needed childcare. Childcare is now sorted as I realised my mum couldn’t do it with nephew there. I was hoping to visit with my children over summer for a few days.

Yes, yes, yes -we get it. But it is fine for you to visit them, they are one household and you are another.

YABU to miss the point, OP. Sounds like your nephew has essentially been abandoned by both parents. He is now part of your mum's household. COVID is not the problem. Your mum being essentially coerced (from the goodness of her heart, I'm sure) into becoming a foster mum is the problem.

As per the bubble thing take your kids to your mums if you want to. Are they really at
More risk of your nephew than they are out playing with friends? Also, yes it’s up to your mum really whatever she decides. But no Yanbu if you say you don’t want to take your kids whilst nephew is there. And yes I understand you feel cast aside sort of, by her refusal to want to see your kids enough to tell sil to take her son home. And I understand that as your children are older they don’t require the same physical care
From your mother that a single 6yo would. In fact probably the older kids would be a help to her! I think you feel ignored left out and not important enough to cater for. Sounds like your brother is the favourite child. And it’s really unfair that your kids are effectively being left out and don’t matter enough for your mum to even give them a weekend to visit her. Sometimes families are really impossible.

Your poor mum ,you say she is in I’ll health yet you want to send your 4 kids
Sounds rediculous

Maybe I understand what you are feeling.
When my children were young, both sets of grandparents were heavily involved with their other grandchildren.
Their paternal grandparents looked after their cousin full time. Excusing themselves by saying oh yours can come round. The only time I left them unattended because I had a tooth abscess and nowhere to leave them, I had to leave the dentist half way through because their cousin had bitten one of my children- their grandmother thought it was funny ...
The only very very few times I took my children to see my parents (I had to beg for an invite) my sister sent her children to stay. The only time my parents ever came to see my children they brought both my sister’s children and stayed in a hotel.
My children never once spent time with a grandparent.
Those of you blaming the OP have completely missed the point in your determination to prove how great you all are

It’s the nephew I’d be concerned about, tbh.

It’s the nephew I’d be concerned about, tbh
^
I agree - the cousins have not turned out well

YABU you said you work in health and social care but you don't know the guidelines. It's the third of August not mid August. Go and see your poor mum, stay in the garden if you feel safer, see if she's coping ok and check on your nephew, he must be missing his mum and dad

Go and see your poor mum, stay in the garden if you feel safer, see if she's coping ok
^
The grandmother (OP’s mother) is complicit!

@Ellmau, my mum would deny not being able to cope. My dad would say differently. She can hardly walk and is at risk of falls. Child is very active and never stops. I’m worried that a) she is at risk of injuring herself / falling when out with him and b) placing them all at risk of catching Covid due to the increased interactions she’s making to keep him occupied. My dad is main carer for his brother with dementia so he’s occupied with him and can’t commit to helping out. That has caused conflict between my mum and dad as mum gets infuriated that he won’t take nephew out. It’s all a nightmare. I don’t think child is at risk and he is safe so there’s nothing to report to social services.

@MinnieJackson guidelines in a health and social care setting are separate to working in bubbles with single parents!

Sorry OP, I concentrated on your nephew earlier rather than giving you sympathy.
You do sound like you've got a tough gig. It seems like a lot of women do at the moment. Can your Dh do any more?
I think you need to disregard what is happening with your nephew and jus tier and sort out some sort of childcare that will give you a bit of a break. Can you employ a local uni student to take your younger ones to the park for a bit? Are there any summer childcare clubs coming back in your area?

Thanks @Mythologies. Mum doesn’t have a garden. I’ve asked them if they would like to come to mine later this week. I’ve been in a potential Covid environment this week with work so won’t feel comfortable meeting indoors.