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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if you have personally ever doubted the sex you were born into

238 replies

Chantelli · 02/08/2020 20:51

Just that
Yabu - of course my gender and sex have always been aligned
Yanbu - I've often felt as though I do not identify with my biological sex assigned at birth

OP posts:
WanderingMilly · 02/08/2020 22:27

When I was a child I wanted to do what was considered "boys' stuff" because I was an active girl, climbed trees, didn't like dresses and dollies etc. (It was a long time ago).
As a teenager I was really cross at school that girls had to do cookery and sewing while the boys got to do metalwork and carpentry....I even went to the teachers to ask whether I couldn't join the boys' classes (it was a no!!)

None of that would happen now, so I guess we've changed a bit since then. However, despite all that, I was happy to be female, I never wanted to change to being male, I just didn't like the gender stereotypes of those times. So no, I definitely didn't doubt the sex I was born into.

Jaxhog · 02/08/2020 22:29

My sex was also observed at birth, not 'assigned'.

I've always wanted to do a lot of things that are traditionally male pursuits - cricket, engineering, IT, climbing trees (and falling out of them). I've railed against sex inequality, misogynism, and not feeling safe in any number of situations just because I was female. As a teenager, I questioned my sex but also whether I was actually human. But it was brief, and I've never seriously questioned it again. I've learned to ignore gender whenever it presented itself as an obstacle. But I am still sure I'm female (my husband agrees).

saltycat · 02/08/2020 22:29

Never.

I am woman. And for the record I have no time at all for those who think they are not and vice versa, male to female trans is very popular I think now.

They are ruling women's world now, or trying to, and they can feck right off AFAIC. Sorry now. But am not sorry either. Can't explain my anger at a tiny cohort of the population who may invade my space and also have such a huge voice in this issue.

Oh dear, might probably be banned now or my post will be eradicated.

LegoMaus · 02/08/2020 22:29

Biologically I’m female but I don’t conform to female gender stereotypes. As a teen I preferred to wear boys clothes, mostly to avoid the unwanted attention which seemed to come with being female. My interests and many of my behaviours have always been stereotypically male. This has never made me feel like I’m not female, I merely feel non-conformist.

Truthfully I think females get dealt a shitty hand with periods, childbirth, menopause, lower pay, being stuck with domestic tasks and childcare and the subsequent career impacts, less physical strength and speed, greater likelihood of assault... I could go on... If I could have been male and skipped all of that shit then I would. I’m glad my son won’t have to deal with it. But I am what I am, I don’t feel like I am a man just because I wish I didn’t have to put up with the shitty bits of being a woman.

monkeyonthetable · 02/08/2020 22:29

No. I went through long periods of desperately wishing I was a boy when I was between the ages of about 9 and 21- so a long time. But that was because I was massively aware of how much better they were treated. They were listened to, encouraged to speak up, encouraged to aim high, discouraged from housework, free to sleep with or turn down whoever they wanted without being called a slag/bitch/whore, not constantly pestered and flashed at and kerb crawled.
I grew up in the Seventies and Eighties.

I really did fantasise often about being a man and even thought about taking steroids to look more muscular. God help me if I;d come of age in this climate. I'm straight, married with kids and as boringly normal as anyone could be these days. I just grew into my own skin and learned how to cope with what I disliked about the world and my place in it.

NotTerfNorCis · 02/08/2020 22:30

@Chantelli

Just that Yabu - of course my gender and sex have always been aligned Yanbu - I've often felt as though I do not identify with my biological sex assigned at birth
I can't answer that. Nobody has a 'gender' distinct from sex - gender is a social construct, it belongs to the culture.

My gender and sex have been aligned in the sense that I'm female, have been socialised female and although I don't like all the social expectations, it never occurred to me that I should have been socialised as a male (because I'm not one).

I don't identify with a lot of gender stereotypes associated with my biological sex. And I don't 'identify' with my biological sex, I am female - it's a material fact, regardless of what I think.

Icedteaplease · 02/08/2020 22:31

I went through a period from about 14-19 when I was very confused about myself. I remember very clearly having this deep sexual attraction to girls but at the same time feeling like I was missing the biological response that should go along with the way they made me feel (basically, I felt a complete confusion and sense of absence at my lack of a penis...weird, I know) Similarly, when I began - ahem - having 'alone time', I would think about women and an integral part of the fantasy was of me being with them in a male form. I remember very clearly not understanding why the hell I felt this way (because trans was firmly not a thing I was aware of when I was going through puberty) and I struck this deal with myself that if I still felt that way on my 20th birthday then I was going to kill myself. It took a long time but I've come to the conclusion that I'm bisexual and that, whilst I still get plenty of sexual kicks from my bizarre penis fantasy (why oh why is this something I get kicks from?!?!) I can't change what I am and I needed to learn to embrace myself. Some experience must have just messed up some wiring in my brain and I have a strange sexual (not societal) desire to be male. I'm currently pregnant and I'm going through the most 'womanly' biological experience possible and I'm thankful for that. I do actually dread to think though, what might have happened to me had I been a teenager just now. I absolutely would have been taken in by the 'you are a boy trapped in a girls body' stuff and my life would likely have taken a very different (and I expect much darker) road.

Jellyeggs · 02/08/2020 22:32

I am gender free. My female sex and freedom from gender roles and stereotypes is what matters to me.

LegoMaus · 02/08/2020 22:33

I was massively aware of how much better they were treated
Ditto. As a kid I desperately wanted to join the
Scouts because they were allowed to do all the cool stuff like camping, climbing, making fires... I was told no because I have the wrong genitals. They directed me towards the Brownies, who weren’t allowed to do any of those things because they had vaginas.

Pepperwort · 02/08/2020 22:33

Also not voting as I was not assigned a sex but observed to be female.

As people have confirmed ever since, through the sexual harassment, dangers of walking down the street minding one’s own business, the blame games and annoyance over ownership status, limitations on potential activities, hobbies and jobs inflicted, lower status generally, the double standards over similar activities raising status for men but lowering it for women, etc etc. I hated being female in my teens and find I hate it again now, and if someone had offered me a serious chance to be male instead would have had to think long and hard about it. But actually in the wrong body? No.

TableFlowerss · 02/08/2020 22:34

I don’t always agree with gender stereotyping in that males should be the main bread winner and females should stay home and bake.

But I don’t agree you can be born in to the ‘wrong’ body. Sex isn’t a choice, it’s a biological fact. XX chromosome or XY. It’s not debatable or subjective, it is what it is. It’s in DNA.

Gender and what you identify with is a different story.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 02/08/2020 22:36

@WanderingMilly

When I was a child I wanted to do what was considered "boys' stuff" because I was an active girl, climbed trees, didn't like dresses and dollies etc. (It was a long time ago). As a teenager I was really cross at school that girls had to do cookery and sewing while the boys got to do metalwork and carpentry....I even went to the teachers to ask whether I couldn't join the boys' classes (it was a no!!)

None of that would happen now, so I guess we've changed a bit since then. However, despite all that, I was happy to be female, I never wanted to change to being male, I just didn't like the gender stereotypes of those times. So no, I definitely didn't doubt the sex I was born into.

I've been trying to word it and haven't managed to do it properly but this is stood out as where I was trying to get to. Though in my case I wasn't prevented from doing the more 'male' classes but I was very actively discouraged from them and encouraged towards more 'female' ones. I can still see a glimmer of that happening now with my DC and it gives me the rage.
saltycat · 02/08/2020 22:37

TBH the issue is not an issue for the vast majority of people, until a trans invades a WOMAN space.

Anyone agree?

Strictlyone · 02/08/2020 22:38

Never doubted I was a girl.

I did, however, think that I might be turning into a boy when puberty hit and things started changing, especially things like facial hair and labia. I knew you were supposed to get breasts and periods but nothing about the rest.

Even when I knew it was not possible, I still lurked at the back of my mind for years.

bishopgiggles · 02/08/2020 22:41

I wonder why the OP hasn't been back to engage? Hmm
I'd like to know how I find out what my gender is... then I can answer!

Proudboomer · 02/08/2020 22:41

I was born female and grew up to be an adult human female. I have no idea what it feels like to be a man or even what another adult human female feels like as I have no experience of what anyone feels like other than my own feelings.
I believe in biology not gender. Gender is made up stereotypes and biology is fact. Nor do I believe you can be born in the wrong body. The body you are born into is yours so it is up to you how you present it but you cannot change It from xy to xx.

WinWinnieTheWay · 02/08/2020 22:42

No, I wouldn't be me then would I? It would be like saying "I wish I wasn't born". There is no pick and mix, you are you or not at all. There are things that can be changed, genetic diseases etc can be treated and aided, but the wrong sex thing is (to me) a nonsense.

SentientAndCognisant · 02/08/2020 22:42

Sex is not assigned. Gender is a social construct
I have no conflict with my sex.
Imposition of Gender roles causes me much ideological and practical ire

minisoksmakehardwork · 02/08/2020 22:43

As a teenager I did have pondering as to what it would be like to be a boy. I was a regular tomboy growing up from the age of about 5, happier fishing, spending time with my dad, football matches and generally being an outdoor sort of person. As a teen I lived in trousers and sweatshirts, polo shirts. I bought men's trousers and tops because they were more practical. I was bullied horribly through secondary school because I wanted to do my school work, because I needed things to be just so. Because I was emotional.

I don't think I consciously felt I was really meant to be a boy even if I wondered what it would be like.

It wasn't until I was in my 20's that I started dating and met now dh when I was 25.

I think I have been lucky with my role models that have shown me I can be me without needing to fit a gender stereotype. And I credit a good chunk of this to my old guiding leaders as well as my mother. She wasn't adverse to doing a bit of diy behind my dad's back, even if she did fall into a female stereotype with regards to domestic duties. But I think a lot of her actions were generational rather than down to gender roles.

My guide brownie and guide leaders were strong, independent women who wanted us to realise that woman can do anything they choose to. They genuinely believed, still believe as i am in touch with them, that sex doesn't stop a woman wielding a saw, a hammer or firing a bow, working outside in forests and haulage jobs or, to be fair, that men are incapable of domestic work, sewing or creative work. We camped, set our own tents, built campfires - everything that scouting has always been associated with is what guiding used to be more like. Unfortunately modern views have rapidly diluted girl guiding and pushed them into the forefront of gender debate.

Gender is, to me, a way of explaining that one aligns more with a masculine or feminine stereotype. I am aware that there are a number of other genders involved as well, but I think gender is being allowed to muddy a very sensible debate on what constitutes a male person and what makes a female person.

@LegoMaus - shame on your leaders then. Ours were very much of the 'if you want to do it, you can' persuasion and we spent many, many happy hours orienteering, pitching tents and setting our own camp fires before cooking on them. Yes, I did my brownie hostess badge but I did a heck of a lot more that couldn't just be pigeonholed into for girls' or 'for boys'.

KenDodd · 02/08/2020 22:43

I struggled to really understand the question tbh.

I have short hair, never wear makeup or dresses/skirts/heels, dress more like a man than a woman and I do a traditionally male job. I also have absolutely no doubt about my sex or gender and think I'm every bit as womanly and feminine as princess Kate. If anyone accused me of not being feminine or being gender non conforming I would be baffled, of course I behave like a woman, I just don't behave like a caricature.

Catinabeanbag · 02/08/2020 22:43

I've never really liked being female, but I don't feel as if I should be male. I read an article about 30 years ago (when I was a teenager) about women who called themselves agender - then a new term - and had electively had mastectomies and hysterectomies, and it made total sense to me - and still does.
If I could do that, that would be great. But I can't, so I'm rather uncomfortably in possession with the internal and external bits that define me as female. It's not really something I think about all that much, but do I like my female body? No, not really, but I'm 44 and don't feel bothered enough to do anything about it.
I hate summer because even wearing loose t-shirts, my boobs are more on display than in the winter when they're more easily hidden. by big jumpers. I wear a lot of men's clothes and frequently get mistaken for a bloke in public toilets - at which point I stand up straighter and stick my chest out as I feel I have to 'prove' that I'm supposed to be there.
Don't feel like the term 'woman' applies to me, and 'she / her' pronouns also don't quite sit right, but I can't think of anything better to use, and I can't be arsed with the faff of making a thing about 'please call me.....' with everyone I meet (life's too short, in my opinion). Obviously for some people pronouns are really important, and that's ok; I'll call you what you like, I'm just saying for me I can put up with 'she/her' even though I don't really feel like they 'fit' me.

Personally I just get on with life - be myself and wear what I feel comfortable in, and if people feel uncomfortable because they can't easily put me in the male/female man/woman box....well, there we are.

IAintentDead · 02/08/2020 22:44

My body is mine - how can it not be right for me

The expectations on my because of my body - not fine

The treatment of me because of my body also not fine.

Sex is biology

Gender is a social construct that has a lot to answer for

underneaththeash · 02/08/2020 22:49

It's not something you can actually change OP - if you feel unhappy in your body it's not due to your sex.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 02/08/2020 22:50

Unless you have a DSD I cannot imagine how you can doubt what your sex is. My body reminds me daily of what sex I am, and most definitely on a monthly basis too.

I regularly have extreme concern, annoyance and anger regarding the stereotypes that seem to surround my body's sex. I believe this is known as 'gender' and personally I think it should be relegated into the annals of history along with other biased outdated pointless concepts. But it benefits the male sex so I doubt that will happen anytime soon.

saltycat · 02/08/2020 22:51

Sorry now but there is far too much traction for this gender issue stuff than is warranted.

Meanwhile we have little kids waiting for diagnoses for their illnesses, possible ASD and so on. And you know the rest.

This issue is really boring, but is being driven by the usual cohort.

I do not mean to offend anyone, but honestly in the grand scheme of things it really is not something that should affect the Nation.