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AIBU?

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Original poster

Nagging feeling I can't shake off

85 replies

Meme2019 · 01/08/2020 22:38

I have a 4year old daughter and a 8year son. My brother has a 4year old son, he is an only child so we tend to spend time with them so my nephew is not alone.

My brother is a like a big child, the kids love him to bits because he is very playful.

Lately I have started to feel very uncomfortable with the attention my brother pays my daughter, I don't know what it is. At first I thought it was cute but now I feel very very uncomfortable, What's worse is that my daughter is literally obsessed with her uncle, she seems to love the attention she gets from him.

My brother leaves with my mum, my kids go over to her house for sleepovers, my panic set in when a few weeks ago when my daughter told me she stayed behind alone with my brother while my mum went to church.

I feel terrible for even thinking the way I do about my brother but I can't seem to shake this feeling off.

Can I check do little girls go through phases of attachment to other people. Am I just my being paranoid for no reason?

OP posts:
VashtaNerada · 01/08/2020 22:41

There are many explanations as to why you feel like this but... I had a similar gut feeling about DD and a male relative which turned out to be correct. I think if your gut tells you something’s off to pay attention to it.

loveskaka · 01/08/2020 22:45

I agree with PP.

Newsorrynewagain · 01/08/2020 22:51

Look at the let’s talk pants campaign so if anything untoward is going on she can tell you

Lacey2019 · 01/08/2020 23:00

If something doesn’t feel right, don’t ignore it. It’s more than likely innocent, but you’d never forgive yourself if it wasn’t. Look at online campaigns to talk through what’s appropriate etc x

EdinaMonsoon · 01/08/2020 23:00

OP, is there a previous history here that makes you feel more wary/uncomfortable? I ask only to give you the opportunity to discuss without judgment. I say the following as someone who was abused as a child by a relative, seemingly in plain sight: Pay attention to your gut. Yes, many children form attachments to adults other than their parents. Sometimes this is absolutely innocent & sadly sometimes it is related to grooming. Without being hysterical, go with your gut feeling. Don’t allow them to be alone together. Quietly observe & monitor the dynamic. When your daughter is raving about her uncle listen carefully but don’t ask leading questions or put words in her mouth. I sincerely hope your concerns are without foundation.

Freddiefox · 01/08/2020 23:00

I think your gut is the main thing to focus on, you don’t need to justify it or make it logical.

OfaFrenchmind2 · 01/08/2020 23:02

Are you with her dad, or with a stable LT partner? If not, and I am considering the most optimistic reason here, she could be using him as a father figure? 4 is the age when a dad is a king and an hero.
For him, maybe he IS really a big kid.

But the previous posters are right. Talk to her and try to figure it out. This is not a feeling that you can just forget about. Good luck, it is a terrible situation to be in, right or wrong.

Lifeisabeach09 · 01/08/2020 23:07

Agree with PP-she may be seeing him as a male role model, however, never discount your intuition.
Don't leave her alone with him.

EdinaMonsoon · 01/08/2020 23:15

I agree with @OfaFrenchmind2 that it’s possible that she sees him as a big kid. My nieces and nephews never considered me a grown up, even in my mid-twenties. Not really until I had my first child. As a result we had a very close connection & I was exciting to them because I was older & could do as I pleased (the way as children we think adulthood will be).

Original poster
Meme2019 · 01/08/2020 23:17

Thanks for the tip about the pants campaign. I talk to my kids all the time about keeping their "bits" private. I have told them if anyone tells them to keep a secret that person is a bad person. I remind them that none can ever love them like me and their dad do. I told my daughter today that me and her dad love her first and she replied but uncle loves me, this hasn't helped my nagging feeling, she was then hysterical because my son said goodbye to him outside but she didn't, (she had already said goodbye to him inside).

I know from watching one too many Oprah episodes groomer like to use words like our little secret and I love more than your parents.

I talked to my mum about how I feel and luckily she didn't think I was crazy, she just reassured me that she is also very vigilant.

I guess its killing me not knowing what my daughter is thinking, if she would tell if anything happened?

OP posts:
OhYeahYouSuck · 01/08/2020 23:19

I was always told to trust my instinct so if I feel uncomfortable about someone, I don't wait to verify it. I just go with it.

ExH hasan uncle that I feel weird about. The one time my nan met him she said the same and she's a very good judge of character, whereas I'm not, I've always felt that justified my weird feeling and if I knew my DCs were spending time there, I'd be stepping in. I don't care about adults feelings in these instances. Many children are abused, usually by someone they know and trust. I'd rather protect my child and be wrong than ignore it and be proven right.

OhYeahYouSuck · 01/08/2020 23:20

Your mum reassured you that she is vigilant about her own son??

OhYeahYouSuck · 01/08/2020 23:22

This reply has been deleted

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BumbleBeee69 · 01/08/2020 23:22

Always.... trust your instincts.... Flowers

Adoptthisdogornot · 01/08/2020 23:23

What is the age gap between you and your brother, and is he older than you? I think you should 100% trust your gut. Even if nothing untoward has happened, it could.

Motoko · 01/08/2020 23:25

How can your mum be vigilant, if she left your DD behind when she went to church?

Also, it seems odd that she said she's vigilant, when she's talking about her own son. Does she have suspicions about him?

TheMistressQuickly · 01/08/2020 23:25

Trust your instincts and think the unthinkable. That is what our child protection person at my school told us. X

Original poster
Meme2019 · 01/08/2020 23:30

@OhYeahYouSuck

As you can imagine this is quiet an upsetting topic for me. I love my brother and I feel terrible for even thinking that he could do anything to hurt my daughter. It took a lot of courage for me to even talk to my mum about this. Talked to her on Monday as I just couldn't keep it in anymore and rather than deny her access to her Grandkids, I thought I should tell her how am feeling so when the kids are with her she knows keep any eye out.

OP posts:
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 01/08/2020 23:37

Your mother can't be all that vigilant if she left the two of them alone at home while she went to church.

I would trust your gut and stop sleepovers, cut down gradually on the time you spend with him and always make sure that either you or your DH are with your DD if he's around, close enough that you can hear any conversation. The worst thing that can happen if you're cautious is that your DD misses out on a bit of extended family relationships.

Original poster
Meme2019 · 01/08/2020 23:38

My mum is a career and has extensive training in safe guarding children and vulnerable adults, so when she says she is vigilant, I assume she is using her training, it's not that she thinks her son is doing something to my daughter it's that she knows that abuse is usually from someone close you the child and not be complacent.

OP posts:
Poppet1974 · 01/08/2020 23:39

Shock your mum said she was vigilant when your brother is around!!
Does she too suspect something? That’s a very strange comment for a mum to make about her own son.

Gazelda · 01/08/2020 23:41

It sounds as though your mum has a sense that she needs to be vigilant. Which is very odd unless she's seen something untoward.
I think you need to always be with your DD when DB is around.

christinarossetti19 · 01/08/2020 23:45

Your mum saying that 'she is vigilant' is quite concerning tbh. A more ordinary response to the possibility that your ds might be abusing his niece would be shock and disbelief, not needing to reassure her mum.

I would stop any visits that might involve your brother being alone with your dd from now.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 01/08/2020 23:48

Hi OP

Children can absolutely form very strong attachments to adults that arent their parents. I think my daughter loves my mum more than she loves me.

This situation is very worrying though. If you feel uncomfortable having observed them together then it's more than just thinking someone looks funny or getting a random bad feeling - it's based on something. Also I second what another poster said, it's also very odd that your mum didnt sound shocked. If she didnt have any doubts herself I think she would have had a reaction along the lines of 'wtf, of course not, dont be ridiculous'...keeping an eye out means she thinks it's a possibility. Of course in any family it's a possibility but most people think it wont happen to them so she is either extremely logical and factual, or she also has a bad feeling.

I dont think I'd be having any visits without you there for the time being.

User87471643901065319 · 01/08/2020 23:50

I would have expected your mum to be appalled and horrified yet she doesn't seem to have been. Was she not shocked at all?

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