Nagging feeling I can't shake off

[Meme2019]

I have a 4year old daughter and a 8year son. My brother has a 4year old son, he is an only child so we tend to spend time with them so my nephew is not alone.

My brother is a like a big child, the kids love him to bits because he is very playful.

Lately I have started to feel very uncomfortable with the attention my brother pays my daughter, I don't know what it is. At first I thought it was cute but now I feel very very uncomfortable, What's worse is that my daughter is literally obsessed with her uncle, she seems to love the attention she gets from him.

My brother leaves with my mum, my kids go over to her house for sleepovers, my panic set in when a few weeks ago when my daughter told me she stayed behind alone with my brother while my mum went to church.

I feel terrible for even thinking the way I do about my brother but I can't seem to shake this feeling off.

Can I check do little girls go through phases of attachment to other people. Am I just my being paranoid for no reason?

Agree with the others, your mother saying that is ringing huge alarm bells.
What was your upbringing like?

I think on the face of it it could be perfectly innocent .However the fact that you have got your spidey senses going ,does tend to ring alarm bells to me .Do you have a good R/L generally ? Has he ever been inapporiate towards you .Does he have a G/F at all .Also why is your mum not shocked .All rather worrying .Need to speak to her maybe with the Pants Campaign and see what she says.Maybe no more sleepovers .

What exactly is your brother that is making you feel uncomfortable? I say always trust your gut but it must be hard in a situation like this.

I’m another one who is perplexed by your mother’s vigilance comment. No shock, concern or even anger? Just reassured you that she’s vigilant. That’s very very strange.

Your mother agreeing to be vigilant is a huge alarm bell for me. I don't have a brother but if someone came to me with concerns about my dad, for example, I would be massively shocked and upset. Not at the person raising concerns but at the situation because it would be so completely out of the realms of what I could imagine my dad doing. The fact that she has accepted this and agreed to remain vigilant indicates that she isn't surprised and possibly feels the same and that's deeply worrying since she has left them alone together!

Always! Listen !to !your !gut !
You owe it to your dd

Your mum told you that she is being vigilant, yet she left your daughter with your brother and went out to church?!

"Vigilance" isn't enough. Particularly from someone who left them together like that. Someone having safe-guarding training doesn't necessarily mean they'll do the right thing when it comes to their own family.

This is too important and the consequences for your child, if you're right, are huge - it's not a case of waiting to see what happens with something like this. You act - you stop sleepovers and stop them ever being alone together.

@OhYeahYouSuck

Your mum reassured you that she is vigilant about her own son??

This is worrying isn’t it. She obviously senses something too. Trust your instincts OP.

I don't understand. Is your issue that you think your brother is sexually abusing your daughter, or that she has formed a strong emotional bond to him?
Surely you know your brother well enough to know if he'd be capable of the former.
Intuition is incredibly important, but it can be skewed if you're a very anxious person anyway.

Your mum's response is odd and not normal for someone who had zero suspicions.

I'd reduce time spent with him - just say you have other plans when asked. I'd be concerned if one of my children indicated their uncle love them as much as their Dad did - sounds like something he has told her.

It must be awful, I have suspicions about my mothers boyfriend so won't let my DS be alone with him, even for a minute (which I know is ott). With a brother though it's even harder especially since you have a close relationship.

If I were you I would trust my gut and keep an eye out.

At the very least - if you have genuine concerns - you must put an immediate stop to your daughter visiting your brother. Then think about you what you should do next.

Your mum's response is really weird. I'd be keeping him at arm's length off that alone.

I am older than my brother am 36 he is 34. My brother apparently recently started smoking weed, my mother is old school, she calls weed drugs, which technically it is, not sure what class of drug weed is these days, she thinks the weed is what could potentially lead to him maybe be inappropriate.

My brother is a single dad, he co-parents with his ex. He is an excellent dad, infant he is the primary parent as his ex has never really taken to parenthood. Both my brother and his ex have always shown

I honestly don't know why I feel the way I do, I just know that I don't like feeling like this but at the same I can't ignore it.

Drugs don't lead you to become inappropriate! They may lower inhibitions but unless someone had a predilection already, they're not going to suddenly start abusing little girls. That your mother would say this is even more concerning than the vigilance comment! Clearly your Mum has concerns. Please protect your daughter.

Your Mum sounds like an elderly relative of mine. Even after more people came forward, he was prosecuted. ‘Oh these things can happen if you’ve had a drink’. It’s so familiar, it’s making me feel ill. Don’t fucking trust either of them.

Kids do form strong bonds with adults other than their parents. My nephews adores me (and me them) but there's nothing untoward about it. (I just do stuff with them that they don't do with my sister, like baking/going to the beach)

But don't discount your gut feeling - keep an eye on things and maybe consider a hidden camera?

What does he actually do with your daughter that makes you feel uncomfortable?

And yes, children do form obsessions/close bonds to other grownups. A friend's daughter had a massive obsession with one of the workers that were redoing their kitchen. Sometimes she'd just sit there and watch him for hours, which made everyone uncomfortable.

OP, so your brother lives with your mum and his child - is that right?

And he's recently started smoking weed?

And your mum thinks that this may have led to him being potentially inappropriate?

No wonder the conversation with your mother didn't put your mind at rest tbh. If you're even near the stage of thinking about installing a hidden camera, you need to stop all unsupervised visits now.

What is it that is causing your concern?

My dd is nearly 7 she has always had a very strong attachment to her godfather, he is mother husband of my best friend. She will ignore everyone else in the room and focus on him. She is the same with my dp (not her dad) and my dad.

Honestly I think it is because they focus their attention on her. She gets very little attention from her dad so she loves getting the 121 with my dp, my dad and friends husband. None of them have ever given me cause to feel uncomfortable.

I'm not dismissing your feelings, but at 4 they do go through phases were they become obsessive over things, people etc. If he plays with her in a way her dad doesn't it could just be that she likes that attention.

Only you know what it is that is causing your concern @Meme2019 so you need to try and barrow in on what you are seeing

'Trust your gut' is not good advice. In studies, gut instinct is wrong as often as it is right.

Are you really basing this on how much your dd loves her uncle?

Because in the absence of him saying or doing anything wrong whatsoever, this seems like an over-reaction. Being vigilant yourself is one thing, but talking to your mum about it could blow your family apart over literally nothing.

Definitely be as vigilant as you feel necessary. I understand how guilty you must feel but if it's truly all innocent, your brother probably won’t even notice the extra care/attention - and if he does, hopefully he’ll understand that all you’re doing is your job as a parent and not take it to heart. Definitely better safe than sorry

rawlikesushi that's the striking thing in OP's account. It hasn't threatened to blow her family apart. Op's mum reassured her that she was being vigilant and there also seems to be a suggestion that she thought that her son using cannabis may have lead him to behave inappropriately.

What studies, out of interest, show that 'gut instinct' about your child is as often wrong as right?

"It hasn't threatened to blow her family apart."

Because her brother doesn't know anything about it, yet.

Look, I would never suggest a parent shouldn't be vigilant with their child. But here, even anonymously, op doesn't give a single example of inappropriate behaviour.

How can you vocalise such a serious concern, based on nothing?

I didn't read her mum's reaction as being in agreement but rather 'yes of course I am vigilant when looking after dgc' but maybe I have misunderstood something.