Nagging feeling I can't shake off

[Meme2019]

I have a 4year old daughter and a 8year son. My brother has a 4year old son, he is an only child so we tend to spend time with them so my nephew is not alone.

My brother is a like a big child, the kids love him to bits because he is very playful.

Lately I have started to feel very uncomfortable with the attention my brother pays my daughter, I don't know what it is. At first I thought it was cute but now I feel very very uncomfortable, What's worse is that my daughter is literally obsessed with her uncle, she seems to love the attention she gets from him.

My brother leaves with my mum, my kids go over to her house for sleepovers, my panic set in when a few weeks ago when my daughter told me she stayed behind alone with my brother while my mum went to church.

I feel terrible for even thinking the way I do about my brother but I can't seem to shake this feeling off.

Can I check do little girls go through phases of attachment to other people. Am I just my being paranoid for no reason?

"What studies, out of interest, show that 'gut instinct' about your child is as often wrong as right?"

I'm not aware of any specifically about your child, but there's a Nobel prize winner who has done a lot of work on gut instinct. I think I read about it in Psychology Today if you really are interested.

'Thinking, Fast and Slow' also has quite a bit about how unreliable our intuition is.

Maybe your mum having had experience with safe guarding etc knows not to immediately get defensive, shut things down and never to be spoke of again etc. Even if it is against her son. That may explain her reaction. Unlikely though as I cant imagine not even asking why? If my DD had the same feelings towards her brother. Maybe your DM has her own uneasy feeling.

I dont know really, nothing you said screams abuse but I understand that feeling, I've had it before. It's too strong to ignore sometimes so I doubt you would but dont leave them alone together.

Sorry, just read your post about your DM thinking the weed could cause him to be inappropriate. That would make me uneasy, weed is a drug yes but I have never smoked a joint and its made me inappropriate towards children, sounds like she has the excuses ready 🤷🏼‍♀️

rawlikesushi that books is about cognitive science. The 'fast thinking' is impulsive and the 'slow thinking' contemplative and rational.

It's not about instinct but cognitive bias. OP's thinking seems to be 'slow' to be honest - she's thought it through and weighed things up.

Just don't leave your child alone with him. Ever again.

Surely you know your brother well enough to know if he'd be capable of the former.

I think this is an unfortunate piece of advice, as the usual reaction of family members is to swear up and down that their loved one isn't "capable" of something they've been accused of. Speaking of personal experience unfortunately. The family member who "wasn't capable" of such a thing went on to do it to another child, got caught redhanded, and confessed to many other incidents.

I think it's precisely because our bias leans so heavily toward "innocent", that it's particularly important to listen to our gut feeling when it whispers a warning.

If you haven't read it before OP, 'The Gift of Fear' makes for interesting reading. There's nothing woo about intuition, it's usually just us picking up body language or other signs that we understand on a primal level, but not really processing consciously.

For me it's an instant no-go. The consequences of not heeding that whisper are just too great. The consequences of acting on it are miniscule (although I wouldn't have told anyone), visiting and family time can still happen, under supervision shouldn't be a problem. Trying to wriggle away from that supervision would in itself be a red flag!

@christinarossetti19

rawlikesushi that books is about cognitive science. The 'fast thinking' is impulsive and the 'slow thinking' contemplative and rational.

It's not about instinct but cognitive bias. OP's thinking seems to be 'slow' to be honest - she's thought it through and weighed things up.

I don't really think that's true. Did you read it a long time ago? It famously sums up the position of intuition-sceptics.

It looks at our tendency to wildly over-estimate the probability of extremely rare but highly memorable events. And in order for your gut to pick up on trends and patterns, trends and patterns must both exist and be met by the individual with sufficient regularity.

It's interesting but probably for another thread. OP, if you're worried, be cautious and vigilant. Personally, without any reason to suspect wrongdoing, I would stop short of accusation. I hope your concerns prove baseless and that he is indeed just the doting uncle you'd hope for him to be, and that your dd is safe.

Thank you very much everyone. Sometimes something plays on your mind but when I say it out loud to someone and get their perspective I realise if what am thinking is ridiculous or justified, my mum's reaction to most people is strange but on this occasion it made me feel justified in what I was thinking and feeling, had she told me am being silly, I would have probably told her my kids can't come to her house anymore.

As for what made me speak out loud what I was feeling, we went away with my brother and nephew for a long weekend, we stayed out late at the beach with a fire the kids started to get sleepy, my nephew asked his dad to hold him on his lap, my daughter then also asked if he can hold her, he had both the kids on his lap one at either end. When I looked over at them, he has leaning his head in towards my daughter in a very almost affectionate way ( I don't know if affectionate is the right word) his son was on his lap too so to me I was thinking why isn't he paying more attention to his son. All I know is what I saw made me feel very very uncomfortable.

I thought I would ask here if my daughter's behaviour is a normal part of growing up, my husband and I aren't as playful as my brother so I can see why she would like to be around him more, my son does too.

My told my sister previously that maybe my brother and his ex wished they had a little girl instead, so they see my daughter as that little girl they wish they had, because they both absolutely dote on her.

I wish I didn't think or feel this way. All I can do I guess to keep me sane is to watch over her and my son what appropriate and what's not.

I would definitely keep it to day time only visits with uncle.

I think he may be giving her attention as he does not have a girl.

There is an episode of a tv sitcom where a guy goes out with a very immature adult female. She dresses and acts like a little girl (how I met your mother) it isn't untoward and he dumps her when he realises it is a toxic relationship. But I thought of it because I think a lot of dads have that urge to be a sweet little girls 'protector' not in an inappropriate way. But it is a form of play acting like a dad and son at the football and a dad and daughter walking through a park dressed nicely with an ice cream and a puppy.

He sounds like he enjoys interacting with kids. I would definitely keep an eye on it and like I said no evening/ overnight visits.

I would think they are both playing a role of doting uncle/ adored niece

Your post has just reminded me about how attached I used to become to other men, usually friends of the family, when I was a child. It was almost every one!

Even now, I do naturally get on so much better with men - it’s just easy and I don’t ever analyse what they think about me, like I might with women.

My father wasn’t interested in us, and this is probably why I was like this. I was desperate for male attention.