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Original poster

Nagging feeling I can't shake off

85 replies

Meme2019 · 01/08/2020 22:38

I have a 4year old daughter and a 8year son. My brother has a 4year old son, he is an only child so we tend to spend time with them so my nephew is not alone.

My brother is a like a big child, the kids love him to bits because he is very playful.

Lately I have started to feel very uncomfortable with the attention my brother pays my daughter, I don't know what it is. At first I thought it was cute but now I feel very very uncomfortable, What's worse is that my daughter is literally obsessed with her uncle, she seems to love the attention she gets from him.

My brother leaves with my mum, my kids go over to her house for sleepovers, my panic set in when a few weeks ago when my daughter told me she stayed behind alone with my brother while my mum went to church.

I feel terrible for even thinking the way I do about my brother but I can't seem to shake this feeling off.

Can I check do little girls go through phases of attachment to other people. Am I just my being paranoid for no reason?

OP posts:
GoodDogBellaBoo · 01/08/2020 23:59

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Crinkle77 · 01/08/2020 23:59

@User87471643901065319

I would have expected your mum to be appalled and horrified yet she doesn't seem to have been. Was she not shocked at all?
Yes this. Has anything in his past behaviour made you and your mum suspicious?
category12 · 02/08/2020 00:02

If you feel like this, then you need to stop your dc and your brother being alone together.

I'd stop the sleepovers because "keeping an eye out" isn't really good enough. What's your mum going to do, stay awake all night, never step out of the room while they're together, never go to the loo, cook the dinner, have a shower?

DariaMorgendorffer · 02/08/2020 00:05

I think your mothers reaction is very strange.

I also think that children can forge very strong, healthy bonds with relatives besides their parents.

But, considering your mum's reaction & your instincts, I would be on alert.

Itisasecret · 02/08/2020 00:07

IME I would prepare for the fact your Mum could be an enabler and thinks being vigilant will stop bad things happening to her granddaughter.

Sorry, but I speak from bitter experience. I have an elderly relative that sounds just like your Mum. That’s a very strange reaction to what you told her.

oldbagface · 02/08/2020 00:08

Go with your gut op Flowers

crimsonclover · 02/08/2020 00:08

I had a neighbour many years ago who had the same feeling about another neighbour playing around with her daughter. She just had a feeling (I think he was chasing her and tickling her) and told him to stay away. He was offended and I remember my parents at the time talking about her reaction being a little OTT. Fast forward years later - she was right. He'd been abusing his own daughters. Better safe than sorry.

howfarwevecome · 02/08/2020 00:09

I also think your mum's reaction is strange.

That and your gut would have me on high alert.

Happens most in families. Look at the stats.

1WildTeaParty · 02/08/2020 00:15

Your gut is a useful tool OP - I'm glad you are not ignoring it.

The most worrying thing you have said is that when you told a mother that her son might be a risk... she said she was keeping an eye on him.

Yes it is good that she is vigilant but you were talking about her son - why was she not horrified - or defending him? What makes her so ready to believe that there is a problem?

(Her training is not it. This is too close to home for her to be completely objective from the first moment you broached the subject.)

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2020 00:17

Your mum reassured you that she is vigilant about her own son??

I'm another utterly perplexed by this. I would have expected confusion, shock, denial and even anger.

Serin · 02/08/2020 00:18

You simply cannot trust your Mum to safeguard your daughter. I wouldnt leave her there ever again OP.
I was regularly held down and "tickled" by an uncle when others were in the room. It went much further than innocent tickling and yet no one seemed to notice.

TheVeryHungryTortoise · 02/08/2020 00:19

Trust your gut here OP, keep talking to your daughter and monitoring time she has with your brother.

Bemorechicken · 02/08/2020 00:24

Trust your gut. Always. Teach both children about their bits and no secrets etc.

IceCreamSummer20 · 02/08/2020 00:41

Trust your gut.

But give us a backstory - there sounds like there is one. Your mothers and your response suggest that there has been something off about your brother before.

russelhobbs · 02/08/2020 00:49

I agree with everyone thinking WTF about the mother's reaction. Something seriously disturbing there. I wouldn't leave the kid with either of them.

MulticolourMophead · 02/08/2020 00:53

Your mother's response is worrying, I'd have expected some bluster and denial at first. And she left your DD at home while she went to church.

PicsInRed · 02/08/2020 01:08

There's clearly something grave that is left unsaid in this family, which the OP either does or doesn't remember.

What's the age difference between you two? You ever remember him being "weird" with you?

JeSuisPoulet · 02/08/2020 01:22

I think you just need to talk to you daughter - she's at an age where she could start learning proper anatomy; again if anything is going on "bits" isn't going to be descriptive or definite enough. I'd agree to look at the Pants campaign and make it special mummy time without any leading or mentioning your brother at all. If she knows she can tell you anything and nothing is taboo or too embarrassing you are more likely to be aware of any situations now or in the future.

Geppili · 02/08/2020 01:48

Does your brother have a partner?

BumbleBeeeeeee · 02/08/2020 02:19

Trust your gut. Where is your brother's partner/your nephews mother?

FinlandFlag · 02/08/2020 02:21

No more sleepovers for now. Blame covid

RobotRepair · 02/08/2020 02:31

Definitely agree you should go with your gut feeling. It must be so upsetting to feel how you do but don’t ignore it.

My brother has a rapport with small kids. He doesn’t even try to get them to like him. They just do. I don’t know what it is but most just adore him instantly. The difference is I felt totally at ease when my DD was small in this regard. He’s just a lovely guy. You don’t have this sense of ease and must go with it. I agree your mums reaction is unusual. No sleepovers and don’t leave DD alone there.

tricky29 · 02/08/2020 02:33

I would never shake off a gut feeling.

On the flip side of that my brother has a bond with his first niece/nephew that hasn’t been replicated with the other nieces/nephews after his own first child was born. He just loves being an uncle/father, when he had his first child he understandably put all his focus into his own family. They still have a ‘bond.’ It’s never felt weird.

I have an adult niece who I will always have the softest spot for as she was the first baby of her generation. We all doted on her. Then other cousins and kids of our own came along and life got busier. We love them all the same but I remember we all used to compete for her affection as she was the first baby in the family

But if you feel weird, don’t ignore it. Is there anything else that feels ‘off?’

Babyvibe · 02/08/2020 02:56

Definitely no more sleepovers until you know and feel for certain that there is nothing to worry about. I agree with others the response from your mother is odd, what else did she say? Did she say she'd noticed anything strange that made her feel she needed to keep an eye on him?
Keep talking to DD lots as I'm sure you already are. Hope everything is just innocent and nothing to worry about x

Monty27 · 02/08/2020 03:09

This doesn't make sense. How was your relationship with your brother as children and is he younger or older? Did your DM have to be vigilant then and where does DD's DF figure in this?
Something doesn't add up OP and usually of you smell a rat it's a rat.

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