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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For being upset with dp...

40 replies

SweetCherryPie · 01/10/2007 16:46

On Friday a girl who works for my dp told him she was pregnant. After she went home he told me. This morning she came and said to my dp "you haven't told (me) have you?" to which he replied "No".

I feel very upset with the fact dp told her he hadn't told me because i think if she is going to tell the boss she should expect him to tell his partner. I wouldn't go around telling everyone, i just feel like she doesn't see me as her boss too or even respect that i am the bosses partner. I am even more angry with dp for not saying to her "yes she does know because she is my partner and your boss too."

AIBU to feel like this?

OP posts:

moopymoo · 01/10/2007 16:48

hmm not sure about this one. Are you her boss in a legal sense? You are her employer? If so I understand your point. If not, a woman is entitled, imo, to tell her boss in confidence that she is pregnant and not expect him to discuss it, even with his wife.

HappyDaddy · 01/10/2007 16:48

Does she work for you?

Maybe she wanted to tell you herself.

bookthief · 01/10/2007 16:51

Depends. Do you need to know? If not then it's not unreasonable for her to think that her direct line manager should keep it to himself. If you need to know to run the business efficiently then it's unreasonable for your dp to have lied to her.

Tbh, it's unreasonable of your dp to have lied to her about it in any case. Puts you in an awkward position unless she is planning to tell you herself soon.

Original poster

SweetCherryPie · 01/10/2007 16:51

He is the boss legally meaning it's all under his name but i work there too helping him run it.

OP posts:

VoodooLULUmama · 01/10/2007 16:53

if you are not her line manager or her actual boss, then you don;t need to know really

i used to work with my DH, and there were things about employees that i didn;t get told, even though i was his wife, and senior in some respects...

if she told your DP not to tell anyone, then your DP is in the wrong
"I am even more angry with dp for not saying to her "yes she does know because she is my partner and your boss too."

your first take on this is that you should know as his partner, in which case you are being unreasonable, this is her persoanl life, not gossip.

snowleopard · 01/10/2007 16:54

Did you overhear their conversation or did he report it back to you?

Freckle · 01/10/2007 16:57

DH is a partner in his firm and I work there too. I wouldn't expect him to tell me anything that I didn't need to know. It could be a breach of confidentiality and employees might hesitate to speak to him of difficulties if they thought he'd blab everything to me.

I think you are both wrong. He shouldn't have told you and he shouldn't have lied about it afterwards, and you shouldn't expect him to tell you things which have been disclosed to him in confidence.

Original poster

SweetCherryPie · 01/10/2007 16:57

I already said he told me when she went home.

OP posts:

VoodooLULUmama · 01/10/2007 17:00

are you a boss/ director or line manager?

flowerybeanbag · 01/10/2007 17:01

He shouldn't have told you and he shouldn't have lied to her about it.
Whether you are his partner is completely irrelevant. If you work there as well and there is a work-related reason why you need to know, he should have asked her if she planned to tell you separately or if she was happy for him to talk to you.

Original poster

SweetCherryPie · 01/10/2007 17:03

Last week we had a new girl start who was a friend of this girl (who is pregnant). On Wednesday night she phoned our house phone to tell us that the new girl wasn't coming back because she felt the job wasn't for her. I said to her (pregnant girl) that dp was talking on his mobile so couldn't come to the phone. She said "Oh it doesn't matter, i can tell either of you" so she told me not dp about the girl not coming back.

She can't just pick and choose when i am the boss her when it suits her.

OP posts:

VoodooLULUmama · 01/10/2007 17:07

she obviously has a reason for not telling you herself

moopymoo · 01/10/2007 17:10

I dont think that that scenario is the same sweetcherry. sorry, but i have a sneaky feeling yabu

Freckle · 01/10/2007 17:10

Well, actually I think she can when it comes to personal stuff.

She may have told you about the other girl because she couldn't speak to your dp. You said she asked to speak to him but he was on his mobile. She clearly told you merely as a means of passing on the message.

flowerybeanbag · 01/10/2007 17:11

I can't see that your example of being happy for you to pass on a message to your DP is quite the same as talking about her pregnancy.
Sounds as though a discussion about what your role actually is wouldn't go amiss - eiher you are this person's boss or you aren't, and it sounds as though some clarity would benefit everyone.

flowerybeanbag · 01/10/2007 17:11

either

Original poster

SweetCherryPie · 01/10/2007 18:27

She didn't ask to speak to dp when she phoned. She said "Hi it's x" and i said "Hi, if it's dp your after he's on the mobile at the moment."

She said "Oh no it's ok, it's both of you i need to speak too. The new girl isn't coming back..."

She spoke like she thought of both of as her bosses.

OP posts:

Original poster

SweetCherryPie · 01/10/2007 18:32

It's a small family business, a small shop. My dp and i are the owners, dp is there full time and i am part time because i look after dd as well. Her being pregnant effects us both because there are certain things she won't be able to do and i should know because i was pregnant last year while working in that shop.

I feel she should have just told us both as her bosses and not told just dp and expect him to keep a secret from me. One of the other shop members knows too.

OP posts:

shimmy · 01/10/2007 18:37

sorry but I think yabu a bit.

Your dp told you (because he's your partner and shares stuff etc as you want him to) but when the employee put him on the spot he was in a difficult position. His choice A} admit he had unprofessionally broken her confidence or B) lie to her and not admit it (hurting your feelings in the process.)

IMO he did what 98% of us would do - share work stuff with his partner but keep a professional face on at work.

I deal with confidential stuff at work. I share bits (usually anonymously) with dh (as I trust him and need to share my stresses etc) but I would not admit this to my clients or colleagues.

flowerybeanbag · 01/10/2007 18:42

Perhaps she is miffed because she wanted to tell you herself and in her own time? If you do need to know, your DP should have asked her if it was ok for him to tell you or whether she would like to do so herself. He shouldn't tell you things that are personal without the permission of the other person. He is wrong for lying to her about it, rather than apologising to her for discussing her private life with you.

You do obviously need to have a discussion about your role, with her and probably with your DP as well

You did say you were 'even more angry with DP for not saying to her "yes she does know because she is my partner and your boss too."

Being his partner is irrelevant and that is not the reason he should tell you things that were told him in confidence. If you are her boss too, you are right you should know, but he should check with her before telling you.

Original poster

SweetCherryPie · 01/10/2007 18:42

If i had nothing to do with the business and worked else where etc i wouldn't expect him to tell me. But as i am a boss as well who pays her wages just as much as dp does, i think i have a right to know when one of our employees says she's pregnant.

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VoodooLULUmama · 01/10/2007 18:52

maybe she is uncomfortable discussing things with you, or perceives your DP as her boss not you

in which case as flowerybeanbag suggested,you need a clarification of your role

Original poster

SweetCherryPie · 01/10/2007 18:56

I don't know how to clarify my role without sounding like i am trying to be high and mighty?

I would feel uncomfortable saying to her "I'm your boss too"

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lucyellensmum · 01/10/2007 19:00

dont say anything, i used to work for a place where there were three bosses, i told one of the bosses first that i was pregnant as it affected things i could do. I did ask that he didnt tell the other partners until i had had 20 week scan - or however many weeks it was. IT wasnt a case of who was the boss boss as they all were, just a case of respecting my privacy.

What reasons did she give for not wanting you to know?

Original poster

SweetCherryPie · 01/10/2007 19:03

She didn't give one. She just came in this morning and said to dp "you haven't told (me) have you?"

She doesn't know that i know and i doubt she will.

OP posts:

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