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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to report my parents

133 replies

scentedgeranium · 01/08/2020 08:06

Have name changed. I'm going to try to describe a difficult and ongoing situation which even as I play it though in my head sounds unbelievable. My dad has a triple whammy - loss of mobility, continence and vascular dementia. He is 84, mum is a fit 79. He is being cared for at home by mum with the help more recently of some live in carers who in fact live in a neighbouring property (mum didn't want them in her home all the time). She has done this under pressure from me I think. In fact I found both carers. The first one (hired private through an ad) was sacked, the second one thankfully comes from a reputable company where notice has to be given on both sides. She will not assent to having the right equipment int he home to look after dad, who needs lifting and transferring, not hauling around. He cannot hold his own weight at all. The care company who have supplied the very capable carer are insisting that mum gets a hoist for upstairs for dad to get him from wheelchair to bed. She is refusing. The company will now (reasonably I think) in all likelihood withdraw the carer because conditions aren't safe.
Dad has been hauled around for months now. I hear him in pain and distress. Mum rules the roost and controls dad, and seems to be lying to the carer, saying oh yes we'll sort it. I feel this will come to a head over the next few days though when the carer finally says no, I'm not allowed to do this because its not safe to me or my client. Which will leave mum yet again on her own hauling dad around in distress.
So the question is beyond telling her (which I have, time and time again) that this isn't right, and my poor confused, distressed dad needs proper gentle care, what can I do? Can I call their GP and ask for anonymity. It would blow the family apart if it was revealed it was me who busted her. And while that doesn't bother me right now it would have wider ramifications.
And to be clear this isn't a job for me either. One I really don't want to, and two, I don't think I'd be able to. I would rather spend my time being a lovely daughter to dad than a frazzled carer.
I'm sorry if I end up drip feeding. I'm not sleeping for worrying about dad. Sage advice please from anyone who has been in a similar awful situation.

OP posts:

Milkshake54 · 01/08/2020 08:22

I think you should report, but to adult social services instead. They will be able to carry out an assessment and make recommendations about what needs to happen in order for your father to be safely cared for.
You can do anonymous referrals, although professionals are unable to remain anonymous so your mum may work out it was you who reported...

PregnantAndTiredMum · 01/08/2020 08:24

I think you should try to get through to your mum one last time then call social services.

Bananabread8 · 01/08/2020 08:26

I would report too. Sounds like a waste of time speaking to your mum it will be easier if a professional stranger speaks with her.
The care company will have guidelines lines and a protocol to follow “we will sort it soon” is not part of that.

PotteringAlong · 01/08/2020 08:26

Ring adult social services and ask for their advice - you might find the carer’s company will also report them.

HermioneMakepeace · 01/08/2020 08:27

Why won’t she buy the hoist?

lilylion · 01/08/2020 08:30

Social services and also maybe ring Age UK for a chat?

lemoncarafe · 01/08/2020 08:32

Sounds like it's time for a care and nursing home. It's a hard decision to make but if you find the right one for your Dad his quality of life will improve. And that will impact on your Mum, you and your family.
Caring for someone with vascular dementia is difficult and heartbreaking.
ASC can help you. Go look around a few homes and get a feel for what's right for your Dad. You don't have to do it now but having knowledge and information will help you.
The dementia is only going to escalate.
Sending a big hug to you. I've been where you are and understand.

Original poster

scentedgeranium · 01/08/2020 08:32

I don't know why she won't buy a hoist, get an adapted car, get a proper riser bed (the list goes on). She can afford it. She is just stubborn and controlling and doesn't like being told.
And meanwhile dad suffers.
Yes agree the company will not tolerate. I think the carer will report in on Monday and that will be that. Dad will go into a home (which I'm beginning to think is the best thing anyway - awful time contemplate), it mum will carry out another haute brained idea to get a former employee (they were in business) to become the carer.
This is someone unqualified.
I will risk another falling out and speak to her again today, and if no traction then will call Adult Soc Services.

OP posts:

TheId · 01/08/2020 08:33

Agree. Adult social care are who you want. The number for referral should be on your council website. Tell them you have a safeguarding concern about a vulnerable adult and wish to report anonymously.

Your mum can be seen as abusing your dad by obstructing his access to proper care. Those are strong words but she may need to hear that.

Social care will take action to protect him which would be either that she agrees to have the proper equipment and care or he may be removed to a care home if he can't be kept safe at home.

Is your dad able to express a view at all? Can he say what happens and what he wants? The social worker will need to try to interview him.

You will probably find that if you do not report the care agency should. If they aren't allowed proper equipment and have to pull their carer out then they should make a SOVA report as he is left at risk of neglect.

HUCKMUCK · 01/08/2020 08:34

Will the agency report to adult social care anyway if they can see he is not able to be cared for?

What a difficult situation. Do you know why your Mum is so resistant? I know things can be complex.

Original poster

scentedgeranium · 01/08/2020 08:37

In lucid moments dad can express a view (he is a bright and was a capable man), but he is now apt to parrot mums views which she constantly repeats.
I actually think the care company are doing a good job. The carer was (poor innocent lamb) convinced he could convince mum to get the equipment). But the light is darning. He's only been working for mum and dad for two weeks.

OP posts:

OneEpisode · 01/08/2020 08:38

Do call social services. Needs to be done.
It sounds like your parents need a full care package. Your mum needs a carer’s assessment? It won’t be helping her health (back?) manually moving your dad.

TheId · 01/08/2020 08:39

Does anyone have LPA is another q?

If you have health and welfare or even financial LPA for your dad you are under a duty to act to get him proper care and could be seen as neglecting him if you didn't.

Notplannedforthis · 01/08/2020 08:40

Honestly, if I was the carer I'd report to adult social services.

Original poster

scentedgeranium · 01/08/2020 08:41

Mum holds the legal reins. Recently all signed.

OP posts:

Houndabouttown · 01/08/2020 08:41

If you go through social services then they may organise this equipment for free. I know the cost probably isn’t what is putting her off but it may be one less thing she can use in her ‘no’ argument. Has your dad had a social services assessment yet? Also if you go through your GP surgery they may have a community matron who could help you x

TheId · 01/08/2020 08:44

Oh dear. Another avenue of reporting is to the office of the public guardian if she has LPA. She is misusing the LPA by not spending his money on his care and by not getting him appropriate equipment and care. The OPG can remove LPA from those who misuse it and can make an order to appoint someone else eg you.

booellesmum · 01/08/2020 08:45

He is a vulnerable adult so you can call adult social services and request that he has a social worker assigned to him as such.
You are in a rubbish position and I wish you all the best getting the care he needs.

GinnieHempstock · 01/08/2020 08:46

Your father is a vulnerable adult as he doesn’t have capacity, so this is an adult safe guarding issue.
You need to talk to social services, But I appreciate how difficult it is.

user1468538201 · 01/08/2020 08:46

Report, report, report. ASAP. I was in a similar but much less serious position early this year, Mam was receiving palliative care at home with Dad and I caring for her, we had carers come in twice a day for 30 minutes but there was seldom anything for them to do, when it got to the stage of Mam needing a hoist my father was reluctant to get it but Mam was hurting every time we lifted her and I knew my father was also suffering physically from it, he thought using the hoist would be removing some dignity from Mam which was rather foolish. I explained that we were hurting her and that I was worried about him too, that if he injured himself Mam would have to go to residential care, this worked and thankfully we had her at home until the end. If you are not able to get through to your mother please go beyond her, your father deserves to be treated in a caring, gentle and safe manner,it will put your mind as ease and the time spent with him will be better. We lost Mam last feb nd I'm able to look back and know she was cared for with love at home where she felt safe and happy, please make it so that you'll be able to do the same. If your father is severely injured because you did nothing you will never forgive yourself

Purplewithred · 01/08/2020 08:47

Make a safeguarding referral - there will be a number on your local council website, anyone can do it, they will have a chat With you and take it from there, but it sounds as if your mother is definitely putting your father at risk. This will get social services involved too.

It is quite likely the care agency will make a safeguarding referral themselves anyway.

It certainly sounds as if your father would benefit from residential care, to be honest.

Standrewsschool · 01/08/2020 08:47

I would call adult social services and get things in motion straight away. They need help, and they need it now.

My dm was amazed what help they’ve received. She was reluctant at first to call social services, because of the stigma (of needing social services) but they’ve provided chairs, rails, walking equipment etc.

Also, call the doctor. They can’t discuss medical details with you (unless you have consent), but you can inform them of the situation, and maybe they do a welfare call to your parents.

The carers have their protocols to follow, such as risk assessments and personnel health and safety.

SteelyPanther · 01/08/2020 08:49

You need to get Social Services involved.
You can do an anonymous report if you wish.
Unfortunately, through a personal situation, they are useless and won’t force an obviously vulnerable and at risk relative of mine into care. They have caused more problems by trying to solve them. I hope you have better luck.

TheId · 01/08/2020 08:50

I think you absolutely must report a safeguarding concern to social care.

He is in a really vulnerable position and may be suffering neglect.

Hopefully all that will happen is that when she realises that an official person is involved she will cave in and her what's needed but if she didn't then they do have enforcement powers to ensure he is protected.

If he has more than 23,500 pounds then he has to self fund his care. Equipment that is medically needed though I think can be provided for free if an OT assessment recommends it. GP could refer for OT assessment but I bet there's a huge delay.

It would be a shame if he is put in a care home when he could be cared for at home if that's what he wants. That's why he'll need to be interviewed to establish his capacity and his wishes and feelings.

SandlakeRd · 01/08/2020 08:51

Definitely go through social services. An OT and social worker can become involved and all the equipment will be free (including the bed!).

If your mum refuses to accept the outcome of the assessment (eg equipment etc) then it would most likely be raised as an adult safeguarding issue and social services will work with your mum and dad to resolve it but it may be a difficult process. It sounds like it needs to be done for the protection of your dad!

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