aibu to report my parents

[scentedgeranium]

Have name changed. I'm going to try to describe a difficult and ongoing situation which even as I play it though in my head sounds unbelievable. My dad has a triple whammy - loss of mobility, continence and vascular dementia. He is 84, mum is a fit 79. He is being cared for at home by mum with the help more recently of some live in carers who in fact live in a neighbouring property (mum didn't want them in her home all the time). She has done this under pressure from me I think. In fact I found both carers. The first one (hired private through an ad) was sacked, the second one thankfully comes from a reputable company where notice has to be given on both sides. She will not assent to having the right equipment int he home to look after dad, who needs lifting and transferring, not hauling around. He cannot hold his own weight at all. The care company who have supplied the very capable carer are insisting that mum gets a hoist for upstairs for dad to get him from wheelchair to bed. She is refusing. The company will now (reasonably I think) in all likelihood withdraw the carer because conditions aren't safe.
Dad has been hauled around for months now. I hear him in pain and distress. Mum rules the roost and controls dad, and seems to be lying to the carer, saying oh yes we'll sort it. I feel this will come to a head over the next few days though when the carer finally says no, I'm not allowed to do this because its not safe to me or my client. Which will leave mum yet again on her own hauling dad around in distress.
So the question is beyond telling her (which I have, time and time again) that this isn't right, and my poor confused, distressed dad needs proper gentle care, what can I do? Can I call their GP and ask for anonymity. It would blow the family apart if it was revealed it was me who busted her. And while that doesn't bother me right now it would have wider ramifications.
And to be clear this isn't a job for me either. One I really don't want to, and two, I don't think I'd be able to. I would rather spend my time being a lovely daughter to dad than a frazzled carer.
I'm sorry if I end up drip feeding. I'm not sleeping for worrying about dad. Sage advice please from anyone who has been in a similar awful situation.

Also call GP and ask for urgent OT assessment, maybe hearing from a professional whst your father and the house needs to help him might sway her to accepting it.
Also if your Mom hasn't been referred look at Admiral Nurses, they can support your Mom with the dementia side of this which is probably causing a lot of the anxiety. It's extremely hard to see your life partner fade in front of you can require help you cannot always give yourself.

We've been through similar, it's so very difficult🌷

My (elderly) Aunt was caring for my Uncle & she didn't want the equipment in the house! It was 'too much'. When we spoke to my Uncle he was in a lot of pain & being 'helped' onto the commode & 'helped' to sit up was causing more pain. HE wanted anything that would mean less 'help', but he didn't want to push it with my Aunty.

But when my Dad really sat her down & talked to her, it was really clear that she felt getting that equipment in meant he wasn't getting better and she had to face up to the fact that it was 'end of life care' & not 'getting him back on his feet'. She was heartbroken, but agreed to whatever was needed. Including carers, but my parents stayed with them instead. Sadly a week or so later he had to go into a (can't think of the word I want) cancer end of life care facility. Where he was looked after with masses of care, love, respect & knowledge! They were amazing as was a similar place one of my Grandad's had to go too.

I can't say your Mum is feeling the same as my Aunt, but denial & hope can be barriers to accepting the equipment & care someone needs.

Whatever it takes you HAVE to be sensitive & kind to your mum, but you Dad has to come first right now, he just does.

Good luck with your mum today, let us know how you get on 🌷

If you promised her you would return her home to its former condition once the extra equipment could be removed, would she go for it? I think old people worry about not being able to organise the reversal part once the help has gone. I just think if you could get inside her head about what it is she's so set against you could resolve it.

I think Thield is spot on regarding the reasons being denial rather than cruelty. My mum just didnt want to accept how poorly my dad was and that he would not be there forever.

To be clear it's not about the money. My parents are very well
off and could pay for new equipment dozens of times over.
In fact they can spend my inheritance on it for all I care! She just won't assent.
Someone asked if mum was 'quite well'. I wonder this myself. I think she is actually mentally ill. Paranoid certainly.
I'm going to speak to them today and show them the email the cRe company have sent, saying things can't go on as they are.
But mum will just shrug and say 'we'll manage'
My husband has said he won't be a party to any more lifting and emergency calls.
He saw his parents decline with dignity and the right help and is appalled. I'll just have to have to same resolve and think about the call I'll make on Monday.
Urgh
I do have a sister. And while she is helpful and rants with me she is far more detached and I don't think has dad sitting right front and centre in the same way. She also hasn't seen her in laws decline and die and so hasn't clocked how things CAN be done right.

Contact the care agency and explain to them that your mum is placating the carer by telling him the equipment will come, and that your mum has no intention of actually getting it. Care organisations not only have a duty to report abuse but also know exactly who to contact and when. And they will also be able to tell you who you can call, and what other options there are for your dad's care in the immediate future. In the meantime, you can ask the company to please allow you to retain the carer on the condition that he doesn't do certain tasks without the proper equipment - here's why:

He can stay and prepare food, help to clean, help with your dad's personal care, and whenever your dad is required to be moved and your mum does it, the carer will need to write down his observations in the communications log. Your dad's distress will be noted, things will be documented, and it will be easier to deal with what your mum is doing with this evidence.

Also you mention the legal stuff has recently been done. If your dad has had dementia for a while then did he have capacity to sign the documents? I am not suggesting anything untoward happened just that the person does need to have capacity otherwise the Court of Protection needs to be involved.

this stood out to me as well.
we had a similar situation but with sexes reversed. It was a very unhappy set up but, with wider family keeping in touch with adult social care we were able to mitigate most of my FIL's stubborness.

Does your mum have Power of Attorney?
Does your dad have capacity to make decisions about how he receives his care?

It sounds as though your parents are self-funding and have gone private. Unfortunately this means that adult social care are unlikely to have been involved. If you get them involved they can protect your dad through Court of Protection if necessary.

Ask for an assessment by your la occupational therapy team. Ring adult social care and they will signpost you to right team. The agency may report as safeguarding if your dad.isny having the right care and equipment it's putting him and carers at risk. They may load the bed hoist etc.

I think to be fair that Lockdown has muddled my mind about the legal
Stuff. I think it was done just before, and what Lockdown has done is accelerated dad's mental decline (I read that this has happened with many older people). Certainly since March his decline as accelerated. The papers may have been signed just before then. So I don't see any conspiracy there. But at the moment I can't help but see a wicked, manipulating , lying mother. Sorry but I can't see any other reason for her decisions

Don’t do it anonymously. Talk to your mum one last time. Tell her again how concerned you are. Offer to organise what you think is essential so it’s no extra work or hassle for her. ‘I’m going to order the bed and hoist’. If she doesn’t agree tell her that you are so concerned about her and your dad that you are going to refer this to social services so someone expert and independent can make the decision about what is needed. And then do it.

It’s tough I know. My mum is the same age. She has always been independent to the point of being domineering but in the last year I have had to steel myself and overrule her on a matter related to her well being. It was very hard to do. She was furious with me but I stood my ground and insisted. I told her I was sorry to upset her but I didn’t care how angry she was, the issue was important enough that I would live with her anger. She has since (grudgingly I’m sure) told other people how much better her life is after the change I enforced.

I get that it's not about money OP but please dont go and just buy equipment on the advice of a rep who has a vested interest in selling it to you.
The social services equipment is the best on the market and the OT issuing it will properly assess and make sure it is being used correctly.
Your DF really will benefit from social services intervention and honestly, they will have seen this situation a hundred times over.

Please dont go to your GP for advice on this matter, they will likely refer to the health OTs and that will delay the referral as they will just have to send it to social services anyway.

Ring Socisl services yourself, explain there is a risk of carer breakdown and that you feel there are safeguarding issues. Good luck.

It is 100% social services they need.

@Serin this is what I don't understand. They have been assessed by OT and for example a sarasteady was sent (free) which mum sent away. The carer has now managed to get it back. And additionally says we need one upstairs which mum won't allow. There have been no reps, only recommendations by responsible people. I wonder if they're already on the radar?

Do involve adult social care, honestly they deal with stuff like this all the time

Also agree that it’s not advisable to get equipment yourself privately, better to get proper independent advice about what’s required.

Sadly this is a very common situation.

Your priority should be your dad. He can't speak for himself. He's being hurt. He will be hurt more. It is irrelevant why your mum is refusing to bring in the required help/equipment; she is and your dad is suffering because of it. Suffering!

Report!

And you’re right potentially they could be on the radar already

Could you possibly explain the situation to the cater/company and request that they report this, to avoid ill feeling towards you from your mum? I’m sorry that you are in this sad situation.

Yes that would be ideal. Because this is the sort of stuff that combusts families. And we're already dry as kindling!

Yes, sounds like they are on the Radar, this is good. Ring social services and explain your concerns.
Your DM doesn't have the right to over rule the social service teams decisions and place him (and the carers and herself) at risk.

A report to adult SS is your next step.
Your DM is not only putting your Dad's health at risk but she is risking the Carer physically too.
My friend left private care companies because of families refusing equipment her back was breaking.
It sounds really distressing for your Dad.

Please report. This is abuse of a vulnerable adult.

Let DM assume the sacked carer contacted SS.

Definitely go for an adult social care referral and urgent OT assessment. It can be arranged really quickly, but try to get it for when you're around as if your dad isn't able to respond they will probably ask your mum questions.

My dad is still competent and said he was happy to use incontinence pants rather than a hoist to get him in the commode. Within hours of OT leaving he wanted to be put on the commode.

What I have found is that any professionals who are involved will put the patient's wishes over and above absolutely anything else, including the practicalities and logistics of family members involved in caring. This is probably the right thing in theory, but when you're the one picking up the pieces in between carer visits ita bloody frustrating.

More importantly it sounds as though it will be your mum that's having the input as your dad isn't able to, and as though you can't really trust her to act in your dad's best interests.

Its a horrible situation to be in. Does your mum have any friends who might be able to talk her round?

I am in a very similar position, dad unable to weight bear, and very frail, possible cancer but can't undergo invasive testing so no conclusive diagnosis. He is largely compos mentis, apart from the odd spell of confusion when tired but has difficulty communicating.

Mum wears the trousers but is highly anxious, in denial and full of conspiracy theories (we had to have community nurse administer a morphine injection last night which caused an almighty tantrum). She doesn't agree with him having 'too much' pain relief and keeps insisting that all would be fixed if he could only see physio a day magically be able to walk again.

I am the frazzled carer you speak of in your OP. For your own mental health as much as your dad's safety and wellbeing, get as much support as you can however you have to go about it. It's really not a fun place to be.

Also don't be afraid to keep 'pestering' the organisations that can help. It's very easy to get sidelined if you're not persistent.

@MintyCedric god your mum
Sounds like mine! She also won't counterfeit meds. Shits down conversations.
I understand there are meds
Available for v distressed dementia patients (dad sundowns so becomes
Progressively worse through the day).
Personally I think if mum had taken some chill pills a while back it would have helped. And i speak as someone who has in the past benefitted herself!

If that was my dad I think I would just go and get him and do it all myself. Mum could sue me or take me to court or whatever she wanted, but my dad wouldn't be left living like that.
I appreciate that not everyone could afford to move a parent in, pay for fitting the house with whatever is needed and pay for carers so if that's your situation then I see why you havent done that, but you need to call social services in and do whatever you actually can to help him.