aibu to report my parents

[scentedgeranium]

Have name changed. I'm going to try to describe a difficult and ongoing situation which even as I play it though in my head sounds unbelievable. My dad has a triple whammy - loss of mobility, continence and vascular dementia. He is 84, mum is a fit 79. He is being cared for at home by mum with the help more recently of some live in carers who in fact live in a neighbouring property (mum didn't want them in her home all the time). She has done this under pressure from me I think. In fact I found both carers. The first one (hired private through an ad) was sacked, the second one thankfully comes from a reputable company where notice has to be given on both sides. She will not assent to having the right equipment int he home to look after dad, who needs lifting and transferring, not hauling around. He cannot hold his own weight at all. The care company who have supplied the very capable carer are insisting that mum gets a hoist for upstairs for dad to get him from wheelchair to bed. She is refusing. The company will now (reasonably I think) in all likelihood withdraw the carer because conditions aren't safe.
Dad has been hauled around for months now. I hear him in pain and distress. Mum rules the roost and controls dad, and seems to be lying to the carer, saying oh yes we'll sort it. I feel this will come to a head over the next few days though when the carer finally says no, I'm not allowed to do this because its not safe to me or my client. Which will leave mum yet again on her own hauling dad around in distress.
So the question is beyond telling her (which I have, time and time again) that this isn't right, and my poor confused, distressed dad needs proper gentle care, what can I do? Can I call their GP and ask for anonymity. It would blow the family apart if it was revealed it was me who busted her. And while that doesn't bother me right now it would have wider ramifications.
And to be clear this isn't a job for me either. One I really don't want to, and two, I don't think I'd be able to. I would rather spend my time being a lovely daughter to dad than a frazzled carer.
I'm sorry if I end up drip feeding. I'm not sleeping for worrying about dad. Sage advice please from anyone who has been in a similar awful situation.

Has someone already suggested that you ask the agency if they would be prepared to do the report to adult social services? Take you out of the equation?

Is it possible that your mum is in denial rather than being obstructive? Once all the equipment necessary to improve your dad's quality of life is in situ, she has to accept that he isn't getting better.
But you do need to speak to speak to Adult Services.

she doesnt own your dad op.

i hope you can stand up to her for his sake

Agree with every one that something needs to be done. Age UK would be a good starting point as to how you should deal with this. They have loads of experience dealing with awkward determined people who only see things they want to see. Sorry to be blunt. Hope you get it sorted.

You need to contact adult social services and really, you need to let your parents know that you are doing this.

It will be most helpful to your dad if you can all try to work together on this. Easier said than done, I know.

It is a horrible situation to be in when your parents are unable to look after themselves but can't see it.

It doesn't have to be about reporting them you need advice. There are a number of routes you can go because of your Dad's medical conditions. You could speak to the GP, there is the community matron and there is Adult Social Care. Your Dad can be assigned a social worker.

This is not an unusual situation. It is often the case that older people can resist reality, quite understandably.

One of these services can arrange for an occupational therapist to come round and speak to your Mum so that she can understand what can be done.

Also because of your Dad's medical conditions can I also recommend that you speak to Adult Social Care and get them to do an assessment for your Dad to get Continuing Health Care funding if you haven't already.

Good luck, this is never easy.

As previous people have sadi, you need to report this. To Adult Safeguarding. Your mum is, regardless of her intentions, neglecting him. She is putting him (and her) at serious risk of injury. This is a safeguarding incident and it needs proper management. The agency should have already reported this to be honest.

Actually that's a good point that somebody made about getting equipment provided We has support for my parents though the local Occupational Therapy team, it's an NHS service bit links through social services . We had all sorts of equipment free on loan, and my parents didn't qualify for free care so this is seen as separate.

My understanding of using a hoist though is that there needs to be two carers working together , as is the case anyway with lifting .

I really sympathise . My parents have had a very happy marriage all their lives . Now my mum has Parkinson’s and recently a stroke . My father is stubborn , mainly through being scared I think . But he hates the carers coming in , but can’t cope when they are not there . He also insists on organising my mums medication even though he is partially sighted .
I think he probably overdosed her on her painkillers at night by accident which caused us all a real scare. I had to tell social services this week he had an excess of paracetamol in the house , which we have now removed , as he said it was enough to kill themselves with . Two years ago I tried everything to get them to move in with us or closer ( they rent) but my father refused . If they had done that they would not be in the position they are in now . Ss won’t fund respite while we tidy the house and although mum could go into care they say my father could cope in his own so won’t put him in with her . It’s an impossible position.

The carer really shouldn't do any illegal lifts on his own or with your mum as he is putting himself in danger if he or your father is injured and he will be culpable. He should absolutely refuse any moving and handling without an assessment. If he reports to his company they are obliged to ensure his working environment is safe which will ensure your father gets the help he needs.

Contact social services for your father.

@CrowdedHouseinQuarantine I know that. And I'm not afraid of a scuffle. But ultimately squaring up with her gets nowhere except for heels being deeper dug in. History has shown that sadly. I can't physically wrest dad away. Even if I could, what would I do? My house is even less suitable than theirs in terms of access. Hence where next? I think the advice here is clear. This weeekend it's having one final go at seeing sense. Then Monday it's deep breath time.
I never thought this could be a situation. Playing it back sounds unbelievable. It's horribly reassuring to hear other stories.

You're getting some helpful perspectives here.

I second calling Age UK and Alzheimer's UK to talk it through with them - they'll have some insight into the specific issues associated with LPA etc. (Alzheimer's UK support other dementias too, they're not just Alzheimer's.)

www.ageuk.org.uk/contact-us/

www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/dementia-connect-support-line

It's excellent that everybody is trying to keep your father at home. It would be such a wrench for everyone if your mother's stubborness were to result in his removal to a care home.

This happened with mil. Fil couldn’t cope, in spite of insisting that nothing was wrong. He was manically washing the bedclothes and scrubbing chairs etc to hide that mil was doubly incontinent, and despatched meals on wheels or any other help that was organised.

Bil contacted the GP, who did an emergency assessment. This coincided with mil attacking a carer (arranged against their will by bil) and the care firm contacted the Gp too.

Mil had to go into a home, with fil still insisting that she would “recover” (from advanced dementia...) and they would be back to going to M&S and John Lewis.

So I think it’s fine - necessary - to contact the GP. You need to let the proper authorities handle this as from personal experience the Pil saw the family’s help as only betrayal.

Caring for someone with dementia is incredibly stressful and can be frightening.
I wonder if part of this is your Mum trying to deny how bad things are with your Dad ? It can be painful facing the true situation. My Mum kept my Dad mobile for longer by literally refusing to accept that he couldn’t do things. She was a very loving person, and in their case it did help him keep moving, but I can see how scared she was, and how the change in him was very distressing ( Parkinsons and lewy body).
It could be that she is refusing the hoist because she can’t accept having a husband who needs it.
I am sorry but it does sound as though he might be better off in residential care now, and so might she, without the stress of being responsible for him she might be able to feel happier. Maybe she is angry about how frail he is ? It is a shock, especially as you say she is fit and healthy.

Sadly OP your dad is a vulnerable adult who needs protecting from your mother. You need to get Adult Social Care involved.

Ask for a home visit where your mum can try fob the GP off. I reported my uncle to the district nurses for the lack of care he gave my GM. Yes he was angry at first but relieved that the pressure had been taken off him.

This is about your dad, your mums opinion is irrelevant

Pp are right , call Adult social care.

She may hold the legal reigns but that can be taken away from her if she's not acting in your dad's best interests.

Sorry, I haven’t read the full post but I have had issues with my Mum and found the following useful.
Yes contact their GP, they won’t be able to discuss your Dad with you but will listen. I had serious concerns, Mum’s GP visited that afternoon without a word to her about me.
Adult social services were equally helpful.
This charity, provided a very good sounding post, I think they are fairly small but they did return my call and it helped clear my mind to find a way forward wearehourglass.org/england
Finally there is an Elderly Parents board on Mumsnet (it’s under Other), that I have found helpful, reassuring and non-judgmental.
Wishing you all the best

@scentedgeranium

They do sound alike. My mum is a much nicer person with a diagram or two under her belt.

Naturally she wouldn't take them (have only seen the evidence a handful of times when I've attended hospital procedures with her and she's been given them).

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't considered crushing in some of mine and slipping them in her coffee!

BTW...if you haven't already discovered it, there's and Elderly Parents thread under 'Other Stuff.

I think the ladies on there have sometimes been the only thing that's prevented me losing my marbles over the last 18 months.

You need to take control of the situation. Rather than reporting them I would sit her down and says she has until x date to order the correct equipment for your dad, if it’s not done you will either buy it yourself or ask social services to intervene.

Explain it a safeguarding issue and you are responsible for the safety of DH, her and the carer. If she doesn’t step up it will be taken out her hands.

There is lots of advice and support on the Elderly Parents board here.

Agree report to Adult Social Services as a vulnerable adult. Often people who are better off and self funding everything do go under the radar as if they were relying on statutary services they would be reported straight away.

Your mum may also be showing signs of dementia herself if she is getting paranoid - or lockdown and the stress of looking after dad is getting to her. Either way she likely needs her own asssessment by Older People's Mental health.

She needs to understand that her home is the carer's workplace, she can't insist the carer just drags dad about without equipment as it is damaging to the carer and to your dad.

And definitely no to picking him up off the floor - that needs specialist lifting equipment for his own sake and your DH's. Ambulance every time - it will rapidly highlight that the situation is not tenable.

Hopefully the carer will report to adult social services because it is a safeguarding issue. All the equipment can be hired .

Your Dad is a vulnerable adult who is at risk. Even if you mum has power of attorney for health, she has a duty to make decisions in your dad’s best interests. It doesn’t sound as if that’s happening at the moment,

You can make a safeguarding referral to your local council, who have a duty to investigate. The care agency can too. Other professionals such as Physios and occupational therapists can get involved to offer advice as to the suitability of specialist equipment- hospital style beds, hoists (full or standing), commodes, slide sheets for the bed etc.

None of this is to undermine your parents, but to keep everyone involved safe.

Please make the referral as soon as you can op.

Your Dad is a vulnerable adult who is at risk. Even if you mum has power of attorney for health, she has a duty to make decisions in your dad’s best interests. It doesn’t sound as if that’s happening at the moment

This. If your mum is refusing to facilitate Care for you dad then it’s potentially “abuse” and is a safeguarding issue. If she has LPA and is refusing carers to use a hoist which they are required to by law under the health and safety act then she is effectively putting your father at risk - not only of injuring himself during unsafe manual handling transfers but she is also preventing him from accessing care he needs and this is a safeguarding issue and technically its abusive because your dad is a vulnerable adult. Social services will have to take action on this if you report it.