aibu to report my parents

[scentedgeranium]

Have name changed. I'm going to try to describe a difficult and ongoing situation which even as I play it though in my head sounds unbelievable. My dad has a triple whammy - loss of mobility, continence and vascular dementia. He is 84, mum is a fit 79. He is being cared for at home by mum with the help more recently of some live in carers who in fact live in a neighbouring property (mum didn't want them in her home all the time). She has done this under pressure from me I think. In fact I found both carers. The first one (hired private through an ad) was sacked, the second one thankfully comes from a reputable company where notice has to be given on both sides. She will not assent to having the right equipment int he home to look after dad, who needs lifting and transferring, not hauling around. He cannot hold his own weight at all. The care company who have supplied the very capable carer are insisting that mum gets a hoist for upstairs for dad to get him from wheelchair to bed. She is refusing. The company will now (reasonably I think) in all likelihood withdraw the carer because conditions aren't safe.
Dad has been hauled around for months now. I hear him in pain and distress. Mum rules the roost and controls dad, and seems to be lying to the carer, saying oh yes we'll sort it. I feel this will come to a head over the next few days though when the carer finally says no, I'm not allowed to do this because its not safe to me or my client. Which will leave mum yet again on her own hauling dad around in distress.
So the question is beyond telling her (which I have, time and time again) that this isn't right, and my poor confused, distressed dad needs proper gentle care, what can I do? Can I call their GP and ask for anonymity. It would blow the family apart if it was revealed it was me who busted her. And while that doesn't bother me right now it would have wider ramifications.
And to be clear this isn't a job for me either. One I really don't want to, and two, I don't think I'd be able to. I would rather spend my time being a lovely daughter to dad than a frazzled carer.
I'm sorry if I end up drip feeding. I'm not sleeping for worrying about dad. Sage advice please from anyone who has been in a similar awful situation.

The carer is not allowed to physically lift a patient, in case s/he injures him/herself, or even drops the patient.
I would tell your mother that this is why she must protect herself, as she may hurt herself, then who will look after dad.
Tell her it can be provided for free, that you will be calling the adult social services if she doesn't get the correct equipment, as this is dangerous, & she is actually mistreating your father.
Tell her, make her face it.
(Sorry I have been in this situation with my parents)

Yes do report. Your name will not be disclosed to your mum. Your dad needs a proper assessment and equipment. Maybe even to have his bed downstairs.

It's a sad business and I feel sorry for you.

The only thing that worries me is that the powers that be might decide it is easier all round for your dad to go in to residential care and that would be a terrible thing as your mother wants to have him at home and no doubt he wants to stay home. He should be at home, just needs more equipment and help.

Very good luck.

Speak to social services and ask for an assessment including an OT assessment. They will provide all the equipment your Dad needs. There can be a long wait so you will need to raise it as your Dad being a vulnerable adult at risk.

Also you mention the legal stuff has recently been done. If your dad has had dementia for a while then did he have capacity to sign the documents? I am not suggesting anything untoward happened just that the person does need to have capacity otherwise the Court of Protection needs to be involved.

I would wonder actually if your DM had incipient dementia too, unless she's always been like this.

I'm in Ireland so I'm not sure if things are similar but here we apply to the local council for equipment needed, the house is assessed by a liason nurse and it's decided what is needed, someone from the council comes out to agree on this and then you get 3 quotes from companies for equipment and send them off to the council, they pick one usually the cheapest and your (your parents) income is means tested as to how much you pay and how much the council pay, so for instance we got dd a stairlift, it had to be adapted to her needs and our house which came in at 4,500, we paid 500 and then you get the vat back a few months later.

We also have here where things like beds, chairs etc are done through her OT, these are paid on her medical card, dds bed cost 14,000, we didn't have to pay anything.

Does your parents have anything like an OT or a public health nurse? You can speak to them about getting equipment.

I know I'm in a different country but I have found that many systems are the same or similar to the UK.

Your mother may be afraid she can't afford specialist equipment, I know when I arranged things for my parents when they were alive, nothing was under a grand and they went without not knowing they could get help.

The thing with carers is, well I find anyway, when it's parents looking after the other, they feel asking for any help is a failure and they need to do it themselves. My own parents hated people coming into the house, could be a generation thing.

I think before reporting your mam, maybe check out what things are available to them. Maybe there's something that your dad can go to outside the house, your mam might be a little stressed and if there is any sort of day centre he could attend it would give them a break. Here we have things like arts and crafts and music and cooking and other things and a bus comes and collects them.

I went through something similar with my parents who were adamt they could manage and I have a severely disabled dd so am familiar with equipment etc

@Allnightlong2016

Speak to social services and ask for an assessment including an OT assessment. They will provide all the equipment your Dad needs. There can be a long wait so you will need to raise it as your Dad being a vulnerable adult at risk.

When you call social services then you need to be totally honest and make sure that you say your dad is being hauled about and crying out in pain. It should be treated as an urgent case. If it isn’t that push back on them as it really is high priority.

I agree with reporting to SS, more specifically to your Dads care manager. I know you are concerned about the impact of the family finding out that it was you who reported it, but have you spoken to the family about the situation? Surely if they were made aware of the danger that your Mum is putting your Dad in then they would want steps to be taken?

OP there’s some really good advice on here but @TheId has nailed it with excellent signposting and hopefully you’ll have some idea of what needs doing, but in the meantime 💐

It definitely needs reporting. Can you speak to the carer and ask they put in a safe guarding? Might help preserve family relationships but you can then say actually you agree with the carer. It is a safe guarding concern. Your father's welfare is the priority

She's obstructing his care. I've seen it several times over the years working as a carer. You need to get SS involved, and have her removed from the situation. She's not logically dealing with this - whether it is some element of denial or cruelty, but ultimately your Dad shouldn't be suffering as a result.

It is an idea to speak to the care company, they can put the wheels in motion. or know the best way, the legalities.

Follow Theld's advice.
However, are you quite sure this isn't your mum's way of manipulating a recommendation for residential care. She is possibly too guilty to say it's time particularly if your father has previously rejected it.

Also, is your mother quite well?

I think you have to , the carer will not be able to carry on and you will be left in an awful situation . Also from experience things the situation can change very rapidly .

All the equipment should be ordered via an nhs OT, it shouldn't be bought as that comes with its own issues in terms of safety and who replaces it if it breaks. All necessary equipment would be free.

Your dad is a vulnerable adult and the safe guarding team need to be informed via social services. Tbh I'm surprised the carers haven't reported him, they should have done.

If your mum is seen to not be caring in your dad's best interest or cooperating with suggestions social services would eventually take it to court for a judge to decide on where your dad should be placed.

Could you be incredibly blunt and tell her that she's causing your dad totally unnecessary pain and suffering? Would she respond to that in a constructive way?

The lack of using a hoist may also result in permanent life long damage to the carer, for example, shoulder damage leading to the carer becoming unable to wipe their own bottom, carry objects or dress without assistance. I obviously understand that you priority is your Dad here, and your Mum's priority seems to be pretending that a hoist isn't necessary, but the carer is also a human being.
Perhaps you mum has previously looked down on disabled people, or some of her friends do. It might be worth opening a conversation about this.
A colleague had this situation arise from lifting an elderly relative, who would not have a hoist. (I gather she knew the risks but felt coerced into it.) She was obviously in extreme pain, and needs help dressing herself for months, and then had an operation to remove some bone from her shoulder and was off for a couple of months and then had a phased return for another months. f your mother still won't budge, it might be worth speaking to her about she is going to meet any financial liabilities arising from her refusal to countenance the hoist. She probably doesn't like the look of the thing, but might not like being
Obviously my colleague didn't sue but the costs a replacement for her for a couple of months wasn't small, let alone the medical costs and any compensation for pain. She then had quite a lot of physio appointments too, although she managed to use flexitime for most of those. If your mother is very image conscious, then she might mind being pointed at by her friends as the cause of someone's injury? As I say, your priority is your Dad, I understand, but this might be a lever for you to get her to allow him to be helped.

It would be a very last resort to put him in a care home and would only be done if there was no other way to protect him and/ or he wanted that.

It might be done for temporary respite whilst equipment and care is put in. If he is very unsafe right now.

I don't think that being placed in a care home by social services in this kind of situation does actually get you out of paying if you are a full cost payer. I think they would find a way to reclaim the money.

The only way you get out of paying if you have savings over threshold is to be awarded NHS continuing care funding (or to be detained under S3 MHA which applies to very few people). The cost of the property is not taken into account whilst your spouse continues to live there though

A hoist and a suitable bed would likely be paid for and maybe other things like bath aids, toilet rails. A stair lift is not usually recommended for people with dementia because it can be very unsafe if the person tries to get out. The usual solution is the bed being put downstairs.

When spouses resist getting equipment and care often it's a kind of a denial that the person with dementia needs it. The spouse resents the intrusion into their home and life and maybe does feel guilty and they sort of hope they can manage in the face of the facts. They don't want to face up to how bad things are. It's usually more that kind of thing than an intention to be cruel and usually they do back down when officials are involved.

Your poor Dad, it must hurt so much to be dragged about.
He's no longer weight bearing and needs a hoist, how much in delial can she be. He's going to be injured by not having the right equipment and being assessed properly. Report Report.

What an awful situation please do report. Do you get on with your mum otherwise?

Some good advice on here. Just wanted to add, when I worked in care, part of our training was to be hoisted ourselves so we could experience it. It's very comfortable, feels safe and supported. If telling her that would help, go for it - though I think I'm probably saying this for you more than anything. Carers sound lovely. Am also wondering about your DM's capacity, but it could be an unwillingness to accept her life and marriage as it is, or from gradual decline marring her ability to see what's happening. Either way, she's not priority right now. Better a bomb going off and shedding light on it, than your Dad suffering to uphold some family structure that needs dismantling, by the sounds of it. You need to be able to live with your decision and the direction his last years take is something you can affect.

I’d contact age concern and adult social services. However I think I’d talk to your Mum again first, and any other relatives that you think should know and I’d be totally up front about what I was doing. I’d do in such a way as to say

‘I was worried about the impact on you Mum, so I called Age Concern and they told me that he needed adult social services. I think it is so admirable Mum that you want to do this yourself, that you want to manage him. I know it must be so hard. Shall we call them together, or shall I do it?’

If she still says no. Then firmly but gently say ‘I’m sorry but Age Concern did say that I MUST talk adult social services, as it could be seen as neglect of his basic needs, even if you don’t. It would be better to do this together, but they were clear that I would be neglecting my father if I did not’.

Definitely a safeguarding matter.

Please report, OP. And my heart goes out to you, my parents both had dementia, having been very bright and capable people. It's heartbreaking.

I echo other, make an urgent safeguarding referral to adult social services. Get their name and follow up daily as they are v busy. Explain explicitly your mother's resistance and your father's needs.
She is failing him.
My ex MIL had a visit from social services re her husband and was told clearly, carers x 2 daily and house improvements asap or court action would be taken. In real terms this was unlikely and he may have ended in a home but it was enough of a threat to get her moving and changes were made.

Don't think of this as telling on your Mom but being an advocate and champion for your Dad

Difficult situation OP, an OT assessment will provide usually provided equipment not means tested. Adaptations are means tested by DFG grants. Perhaps your DM would listen to someone from social services advising on what they think your DF needs. His views should be sought and an assessment of his capacity carried out. DM should also be offered assessment as a carer. Social services will have seen this situation before