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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend wants to meet friend almost every day

105 replies

AnastarziaAnaqway · 31/07/2020 08:59

He has a female best friend, I know it's always been platonic, he's known her a few years and she's always had a boyfriend.

Anyway she lives near me, he used to live here but doesn't anymore. He's staying with me for just under a week and he's wanted us to meet up with her almost every day.

If it was for an hour or so that'd be different but we end up spending the entire day with her and I find it too much, even though she's very friendly.

I know he loves me as I am and seems happy with me but I admit I feel a bit insecure because they are like twins, they are both very extroverted and seem to have the exact same sense of humour. They have each other in stitches constantly and loads of in-jokes, plus work in the same industry.

I'm a little quieter and more subdued I guess, even though I like to have a laugh. I also find it very draining to see the same people constantly, I don't even see my own friends that much.

I've explained this to him (about me being introverted). I really hope I don't sound controlling or anything because that is not my intention at all he can be friends/see whoever he likes.

I just think if I had gone to see him and I had us meeting one of my friends nearly all day every day it would be a bit unfair ? I think it almost makes me feel as if he doesn't want to spend time with just me alone.

AIBU ?

OP posts:
Original poster
AnastarziaAnaqway · 31/07/2020 09:00

Do you think if he suggests it again that I should just say, "i'd rather it's just the 2 of us today"?

OP posts:
Original poster
AnastarziaAnaqway · 31/07/2020 09:01

Also we have met my friends since he's been here but only one day for a couple of hours.

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 31/07/2020 09:02

It's not strange to want to spend time alone with your boyfriend so yes I'd suggest it and see what he says.

makingmammaries · 31/07/2020 09:03

It sounds like you two might not be a great match, but certainly start by asserting what you want.

GinDrinker00 · 31/07/2020 09:04

YANBU. I would find that very strange and would ask him straight out who he wants to be with you or her. A few days a week is fine but every day? Confused

Original poster
AnastarziaAnaqway · 31/07/2020 09:04

I don't get why he's doing this, I suppose it makes me wonder if he's harboring secret feelings ?

OP posts:
Original poster
AnastarziaAnaqway · 31/07/2020 09:05

It's not every day I guess but every other day and always for like 6+ hours..

OP posts:
Steph777 · 31/07/2020 09:06

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Its important for you to have time just the two of you. Seeing friends is great but same friend every day !!! It also sounds like you feel a bit left out when they are together. Tell him how you feel and reach a compromise. Don’t sell yourself short or compare yourself to her because you are quieter, everybody is different . How long have you been together ?

Hazelnutlatteplease · 31/07/2020 09:07

I think id be concerned he was using me as cheap accommodation and a cover to see her as opposed to coming to see me iyswim.

I think id rethink the relationship

Original poster
AnastarziaAnaqway · 31/07/2020 09:08

I found her a bit annoying even though she was very friendly, I feel bad saying that. Just that everything had to be a pun or an innuendo, thought for someone in her mid 30s it was a bit weird.

You are right I shouldn't, there's nothing wrong with being quiet.

I just feel a bit like he doesn't want to see me on my own.

OP posts:
NeutrinoWrangler · 31/07/2020 09:08

There's nothing wrong with wanting more time alone. You are not unreasonable to ask for that.

It does seem like too much of this one friend, regardless of whether the friend is male or female. Even if you like his friends, there are naturally limits to how much you want to see if them, especially if you're an introvert.

TeeBee · 31/07/2020 09:08

Set boundaries as to what is acceptable and then see how he responds...it will tell you what you need to know.
I wouldn't like it either but if it was only for a couple of weeks, I'd weather it. But no longer than that.

DrManhattan · 31/07/2020 09:09

I'm with you op. I wouldn't be happy with this at all. I would probably move on tbh

Original poster
AnastarziaAnaqway · 31/07/2020 09:10

I just think if I went to see him and expected him to see a friend of mine every day it would be taking the piss to be honest, I just wouldn't allow it.

You're right, i'm going to talk to him today, thanks :)

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 31/07/2020 09:10

Of course you're not unreasonable. He's staying with you for a week and you've spent everyday as a threesome? Sounds awful. I agree with you, I wouldn't spend that much time with even my closest friends.

You don't have to do what he wants all the time (and pretend you're enjoying it).. Don't hesitate to tell him how you feel.
A compromise would be to meet up with her once a week or he can meet up with her in his own time occasionally.

Start standing up for yourself. It's not controlling to do what you want sometimes and ask for your feelings to be considered. Smile

TeeBee · 31/07/2020 09:11

Plus, this is YOUR house, just say 'no. I want my own space today'.

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/07/2020 09:12

That level of feverish emotional attachment to a ‘platonic’ friend, which he prioritises over time with you?

Nope. This won’t work. You can’t talk your way through it either. I agree with a PP you’re cheap accommodation which enables him to see her.

The puns sound tedious.

Original poster
AnastarziaAnaqway · 31/07/2020 09:12

Exactly, if he were here for say a month that'd be different. Also they drink a lot whereas I don't drink and i've ended up buying expensive rounds even though i'm pretty skint so i've told him that I can't afford to be doing that every time.

I'm now questioning the whole relationship. I know it's his best friend and he hasn't seen her for a few months but still.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 31/07/2020 09:13

You’re being used OP! Buying them alcohol? Watching them get drunk together and connect? It’s like you’re a chaperone on their dates.

Sexnotgender · 31/07/2020 09:14

YANBU.

I used to be friends with a group of people, 2 of them M/F literally lived in each other’s pockets constantly. He had a few girlfriends in the time I knew them and he always invited his female friend to things they did.

Pretty sure the dynamic chased away a few of them.

Original poster
AnastarziaAnaqway · 31/07/2020 09:15

They paid for my food after but i've said to my boyfriend that I just want to do picnics etc. From now on.

My inner sabeteur (can't spell it) is telling me that i'm not stimulating enough to spend a day alone with because i'm quieter, so he wants her there because she's fun.

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 31/07/2020 09:17

My inner sabeteur (can't spell it) is telling me that i'm not stimulating enough to spend a day alone with because i'm quieter, so he wants her there because she's fun.

Then you need to consider the relationship again.

You should be enough on your own.

Original poster
AnastarziaAnaqway · 31/07/2020 09:19

I really should, you're right. Do you think I should say that to him ?

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 31/07/2020 09:20

Absolutely. Surely you’d rather know now and walk away relatively unscathed?

I’m an anxious person and my husband affirms me and reassures me that I’m enough.

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/07/2020 09:21

That’s not your inner saboteur OP, that’s the feeling that your partner is transmitting to you. Clearly. He’s making you feel you aren’t enough. He’s letting you know that through his actions.

In a world of babbling nonsense, quiet is beautiful.

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