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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend wants to meet friend almost every day

105 replies

AnastarziaAnaqway · 31/07/2020 08:59

He has a female best friend, I know it's always been platonic, he's known her a few years and she's always had a boyfriend.

Anyway she lives near me, he used to live here but doesn't anymore. He's staying with me for just under a week and he's wanted us to meet up with her almost every day.

If it was for an hour or so that'd be different but we end up spending the entire day with her and I find it too much, even though she's very friendly.

I know he loves me as I am and seems happy with me but I admit I feel a bit insecure because they are like twins, they are both very extroverted and seem to have the exact same sense of humour. They have each other in stitches constantly and loads of in-jokes, plus work in the same industry.

I'm a little quieter and more subdued I guess, even though I like to have a laugh. I also find it very draining to see the same people constantly, I don't even see my own friends that much.

I've explained this to him (about me being introverted). I really hope I don't sound controlling or anything because that is not my intention at all he can be friends/see whoever he likes.

I just think if I had gone to see him and I had us meeting one of my friends nearly all day every day it would be a bit unfair ? I think it almost makes me feel as if he doesn't want to spend time with just me alone.

AIBU ?

OP posts:
PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 31/07/2020 10:31

@AnastarziaAnaqway

I'm only working online part-time and I think the girl is unemployed, bf is furloughed.

He suggested that we meet her today (yesterday) and I said, I thought we were going to X place ? I feel like he wanted to see her more than go to the other place with me.

Then he was saying we could go to hers to watch a film or whatever as we "don't have plans anyway do we" and we would only be 'stuck at mine in the heat'. But we'd be inside at hers too ?

absolutely fuck this OP
roarfeckingroarr · 31/07/2020 10:40

If her bf is involved too, I wouldn't feel threatened. I have a male friend like this and his girlfriends have been a bit funny in the past. There's absolutely nothing untoward - my fiancé likes him - we're just really similar.

It does sound annoying though and if you're not happy I would cut your losses now.

backseatcookers · 31/07/2020 10:40

@thepeopleversuswork

Tbh I would throw the towel in. When you get to the point where you have to police your OH’s relationship with female friends it’s game over.

Some would call this “setting boundaries” but I think if he really wanted to spend time with you exclusively you wouldn’t have to be fighting for it. By the time you get to the point where you are having to lobby him to spend time with you the ship has sailed. He will start to feel resentment and you will be suspicious all the time: it’s no way to live.

I totally agree with this. You're obviously not naturally compatible as his perception of what's normal in a relationship is so different to yours. I think the vast, vast majority of people would feel how you do. A couple of months in, expecting you to spend every day with him and his friend is ridiculous. It's like you're the third wheel - you are invited but it's very much their day and you're an addition. Honestly, it's so early on you should just move on I think.
Flowers009 · 31/07/2020 10:40

Yanbu would pee me off too

spoons123 · 31/07/2020 10:40

I read your other post earlier this week and seem to remember that this is a new boyfriend of just a few weeks who you are just getting to know?

If that is the case, spending a whole week together at your house might be too full-on for this stage in your relationship. Personally, I would find it tiring to spend a week with someone I hardly knew.

Maybe you haven't yet spent enough time in each other's company to feel completely at ease so he is leaning on the friend because they know each other well and feels 'safe' to him.

Thinking about your other post, though, you sound like you are feeling very unconfident and overlooked at the moment in all kinds of relationships. It might be worth working on yourself a bit - reading self-help books or talking to a counsellor (lots available online at the moment). It could make the world of difference to how you go forward.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 31/07/2020 10:41

You should both be enjoying your honeymoon phase, I know I was happy with DH either in the house or out of it as I just loved being with him.

If your BF needs this much input from a specific other person in order to tolerate being in your company that's a very bad sign. You you said he'd happily be stuck indoors with her in preference to a day out with you? Sorry but cheating or not, the effect is the same - out of you and her you're not his priority.

backseatcookers · 31/07/2020 10:41

Oh and also I would say exactly the same if it was a male friend he wanted to see every day - for me the gender of the friend is irrelevant really.

Takeitonthechin · 31/07/2020 10:44

I'd probably just find something else to do, go meet your friends and see if he misses you, if not, I'd probably find someone else.... he's maybe not that much into you.

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 31/07/2020 10:50

he's got other friends here who he's only seen once/not even seen, so I don't get why this one in particular has to be almost every day.
Yeah. That’s weird and very contrived.

He suggested that we meet her today (yesterday) and I said, I thought we were going to X place ? I feel like he wanted to see her more than go to the other place with me.
Then he was saying we could go to hers to watch a film or whatever as we "don't have plans anyway do we" and we would only be 'stuck at mine in the heat'. But we'd be inside at hers too ?

I think you should have asked him to leave at this point to be honest. He doesn’t care what you want at the end of the day. This will filter through the relationship with or without the girl in question. Along with the red flags of calling his ex controlling etc, I’d ask him to leave today tbh. Enjoy the nice weather alone and free from anymore time being shackled to a loserZ

backseatcookers · 31/07/2020 10:54

Just something to consider OP, you've posted a couple of threads now about this guy and it's very early on to feel you need to do that.

It's also only been a couple of months you've been together but you described it as your first "serious relationship" in a while - that is a really heavy description this early on and indicates to me you feel that he's someone you want to hang on to even if he behaves badly and does things that make you unhappy.

You also mention you've finally got a good one after some shit relationships. I think you might be comparing him to them and thinking he's more of a catch than he is, because the shit relationships have lowered your bar.

Just because you used to be with a 10/10 wanker doesn't mean you should stay with a 5/10 wanker. I'm not necessarily saying that's what he is but

I think you need to consider whether it's healthy to be in a relationship where it feels like you're so determined to make it work that you'll overlook what is clearly not normal behaviour and is also a sign he isn't as into you as you are to him.

I've been there before and ended up having to persuade people to behave in a way that I should have been able to just expect (eg don't message others women telling them how hot they are - them saying "I didn't know it was a big deal" etc) and I should have walked away when they didn't naturally behave the way a decent partner would.

That was a bit jumbled but I hope some of it made sense?

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/07/2020 11:01

He’s desperate to see her. Fuck that.

ShellsAndSunrises · 31/07/2020 11:03

backseatcookers has made some really excellent points. Don’t fall into a bad relationship because you really want it to be good.

It’s bizarre that he wants to spend every day with her, whether you do or not, rather than with you. Especially in such an early relationship!

Combined with his lines about his ex, I’d be suspicious that he knows you’ll put up with more than you should and he’s trying to silence any complaints about how much time he spends with her now so that down the line, he can say it’s always been this way and you’re the unreasonable one for wanting to change it.

Emeraldshamrock · 31/07/2020 11:06

Yanbu it is very OTT.

HollowTalk · 31/07/2020 11:08

@StatementKnickers

By the way, it is always a red flag to me when a guy talks about how controlling/crazy his ex was, especially in the early days of a relationship. Most of the time it's bollocks - they want to scare you into being unnaturally undemanding so that you won't be like the "crazy" ex. Sounds like it's working...
I was thinking the same thing. Yes, some people are controlling, and other people are at the end of their tether because of their partner's behaviour.
SomeWateryTart · 31/07/2020 11:20

Yanbu, it does sound as if he has a lot more in common with this woman than you. If her bf is happy with the friendship, that's fine. But regardless of what anyone on here says, you aren't 100% happy. It isn't a marriage, you don't have dcs, he's fed you the "my last gf was controlling / 'a psycho'" pretty early in the relationship, which, as pps have said is a bit of a red flag to me. You're scared to say what you think, (which, objectively, is something completely reasonable btw), in case he paints you as a mean, jealous gf. Honestly? Run. Run like the fucking wind. I would anyway. This isn't working for you and that does not make you a bad person at all. Staying with him and becoming more resentful might actually make both of you very unhappy imo.

GazingAndGrazing · 31/07/2020 11:48

Just say no!

Original poster
AnastarziaAnaqway · 31/07/2020 12:09

I've told him how I feel and that I wanted some more alone time, he seemed understanding and said he had come here to see me and he was really sorry, so we are having a day alone today and not seeing her. However maybe he's only doing it out of guilt.

OP posts:
CandidaAlbicans2 · 31/07/2020 12:51

YANBU at all, it's excessive and insensitive. OK, now you've told him how you feel he's agreed to having a day just with you, but he shouldn't need this explaining to him. At this early stage the 2 of you should be so into each other that you don't want to waste valuable shagging time dilute this by always being in a group. It feels more like a 3some than a partnership and I wouldn't put up with it. In my...ehem...extensive experience of dating it is not normal, and TBH I think you should dump him ASAP and not waste any more time on him.

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/07/2020 12:52

I guess you’ll see how much you have to bargain for time alone with him like this, when it’s shouldn’t be something you have to negotiate to that extent - you shouldn’t have to compete with and balance out a relationship he has with another woman.

Newernewist · 31/07/2020 13:08

Has he got plans lined up to see her tomorrow?
I bet he has

IlanaWexler · 31/07/2020 13:47

Well done for setting a boundary

billy1966 · 31/07/2020 13:49

@backseatcookers

Great points made.

Also believe him bad mouthing the ex is a warning to you.

OP, you shouldn't be begging for him tobe alone with you, so needy.
He wants to be with you or he doesn't.

For early days it sounds like hard work.
He sounds like hardwork.

Don't place your hopes on him being the one.
It doesn't sound like he's a prize.
Flowers

Yeahnahmum · 31/07/2020 15:07

This relationship is going nowhere. Opt out now or spend the rest of your relationship as a fifth wheel...

LunchBoxPolice · 31/07/2020 15:16

I wouldn’t believe that he only sees her as a friend tbh.

NearlyGranny · 31/07/2020 15:34

He's an odd one! You're not jealous or controlling here, and if he suggests it, remind him you're not his ex, people are not all alike and you're feeling a bit exploited providing free accommodation so he can spend time with her and buying them drinks you don't even get to share and being left out like a third wheel while they giggle away with each other. Tell him that's nobody's idea of fun. Ask him to consider the roles reversed with you staying free at his and insisting on seeing a male friend almost every day, expecting him to find the refreshments and make friends with another man. How would that fly with him?!