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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend wants to meet friend almost every day

105 replies

AnastarziaAnaqway · 31/07/2020 08:59

He has a female best friend, I know it's always been platonic, he's known her a few years and she's always had a boyfriend.

Anyway she lives near me, he used to live here but doesn't anymore. He's staying with me for just under a week and he's wanted us to meet up with her almost every day.

If it was for an hour or so that'd be different but we end up spending the entire day with her and I find it too much, even though she's very friendly.

I know he loves me as I am and seems happy with me but I admit I feel a bit insecure because they are like twins, they are both very extroverted and seem to have the exact same sense of humour. They have each other in stitches constantly and loads of in-jokes, plus work in the same industry.

I'm a little quieter and more subdued I guess, even though I like to have a laugh. I also find it very draining to see the same people constantly, I don't even see my own friends that much.

I've explained this to him (about me being introverted). I really hope I don't sound controlling or anything because that is not my intention at all he can be friends/see whoever he likes.

I just think if I had gone to see him and I had us meeting one of my friends nearly all day every day it would be a bit unfair ? I think it almost makes me feel as if he doesn't want to spend time with just me alone.

AIBU ?

OP posts:

Original poster

AnastarziaAnaqway · 31/07/2020 09:22

Yeah, you're right. I'm feeling upset now as I thought i'd found such a great relationship.

He's been before, and he asked her to meet then but think she was ill, so he only ended up seeing 2 friends on one occasion.

OP posts:

Brieminewine · 31/07/2020 09:23

I wouldn’t be happy with that at all. One day fine but every day when he’s meant to be coming to visit you, no way.

Original poster

AnastarziaAnaqway · 31/07/2020 09:28

I'm gonna have to tell him. Just really don't want him to come out with the 'jealous' line.

OP posts:

CoraPirbright · 31/07/2020 09:29

How long have you two been together? I would be interested to know how his last relationships ended. Just wondering if his devotion to his best friend figured.....

SmileyClare · 31/07/2020 09:30

The more you write, the more I think Fuck That. He's a selfish prick for dragging you along to meet his special friend. Doesn't he notice you're not drinking and not enjoying it? Does he ever ask you what you want to do or say Do you want to go home now, are you alright?

This all sounds like crap.

You shouldn't be putting his wants above your own all the time.

Original poster

AnastarziaAnaqway · 31/07/2020 09:31

Only a couple of months, basically since they 'allowed' the bubble thing was when we saw each other but had been talking for a while.
All I know from what he's said is that his last ex was 'very jealous and controlling' and 'constantly accused him of cheating.'

Now i'm wondering if she was insecure about this said girl.

OP posts:

Riv · 31/07/2020 09:31

You are not unreasonable.
You need to ask yourself if he’s coming to see you or his friend. Also think about what you want from the relationship and what is ok for you. Then talk to him, once you know what you want and need. Find out what he wants. Don’t make it a competition of “her or me” though.
You may find this arrangement is not for you and he’s open to changing.
When you think about it you might realise that it’s ok and works for you to have this arrangement. After all, many men spend that much time out with their mates and girlfriend often tags along happily, or gets on with her own life. It’s just that you haven’t seen him for a while and, understandably, want him to yourself for a bit.
As an introvert myself, I find spending 24/7 with anyone tough going. Even 6 hours with a friend would do me in, more that an hour with two of my friends who get on really well with each other and I am the “extra” is my idea of hell.

You don't have to go with him when he sees her, or stay all the time. You can change the dynamic, maybe go for half an hour then arrange to meet up later. Get the space you need for yourself. If this man is for you, you can make the relationship work for you both.

IdblowJonSnow · 31/07/2020 09:33

Yanbu.
He either has the hots for her or you two are really incompatible.
I'd say it's not working for you. Are none of you working? How can they spend most days together?

Original poster

AnastarziaAnaqway · 31/07/2020 09:33

I've tried to say what I want. This girl wanted to spend 'all day' in the sun apparently but I thought fuck that because I don't want skin damage or lines lol.
I think because his ex was 'controlling' as he put it I'm conscious of not appearing that way, even though I don't think I am.

We are supposed to see her today (and tomorrow) but I just don't want to.

OP posts:

IdblowJonSnow · 31/07/2020 09:34

Maybe he was cheating and his ex was correct?!
This has red flags all over it, dump!

Original poster

AnastarziaAnaqway · 31/07/2020 09:35

I'm a teacher on summer holidays now, they are both working part-time/furloughed.

I feel like because he's come here to see me (I think) that it's bad if I don't go, but at the same time why should it only be what he wants ?

OP posts:

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 31/07/2020 09:37

Just to play devils advocate..

Anyway she lives near me, he used to live here but doesn't anymore. He's staying with me for just under a week and he's wanted us to meet up with her almost every day.
Has he seen her much outside of this week? Is it a case if he hasn’t seen her much so is taking the opportunity while he’s closer? Obviously this absolutely should not be at the detriment to you, but if he says “can we see friend again today?” And you say yes, he might not realise how it is affecting you and how much time he is actually spending away from you. It does sound like you might not be that compatible and this early in a relationship should all sunshine and roses, if doesn’t sound like you’re that happy.

ThanksItHasPockets · 31/07/2020 09:39

I was going to ask how old you are but I see you've mentioned that the friend is mid-30s. That's a bit odd. Most people have grown out of very intense friendships by then.

Original poster

AnastarziaAnaqway · 31/07/2020 09:40

He last saw her before lockdown so Feb I think, but he's got other friends here who he's only seen once/not even seen, so I don't get why this one in particular has to be almost every day.

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notalwaysalondoner · 31/07/2020 09:41

I’d also stop going with him. Just because she’s his best friend doesn’t mean you have to be her best friend too. My husband regularly sees his best friend without me and vice versa, even though we all get on brilliantly with each other and their partners. So I’d (a) raise it with him that you’d like to spend more time just the two of you and (b) that you won’t be joining them every time they meet up but maybe just once every couple of weeks or something.

That way, if he doesn’t dial down how much he sees her you’ll also have a clearer view of his priorities - you won’t even be there so if he still wants to spend all day every other day with another person he’s clearly prioritising the friendship over the relationship.

And you won’t have to spend so much time with a woman you clearly find a bit irritating which is a bonus. If you do stay together it’s important you’re both able to have your own friendships and not always come as a couple. I hated it when two of my friends got together and always turned up as a couple when I thought I was just seeing one of them, so she might be happy too to see him less often but just him rather than the two of you.

Original poster

AnastarziaAnaqway · 31/07/2020 09:42

Yeah, i'm thinking of telling him I don't want to go today and will see how that goes down.

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TimelyManor · 31/07/2020 09:45

That doesn't sound normal to me, wanting to see someone that much if they're just friends. I love my friends dearly but that's a lot of time to be spending with them

Him saying his ex was controlling is a red flag, he could well be projecting. He may well quickly and easily have an answer to you wanting to spend time alone with him and make you feel even more insecure.

Batqueen · 31/07/2020 09:46

I used to hang out a lot with my boyfriend and my flat mate so I don’t think that is necessarily a weird thing to do but some key differences

I wouldn’t have had them spend so much time together so early as otherwise he would have probably felt like the third wheel because she and I were so close.

I made sure that they liked each other and that we had lots of time just me and him and caught up with her separately too.

They are both more extroverted than me so were happy with the dynamic. If ever they weren’t (on one occasion I could tell he was getting frustrated), I talked to him about it and we resolved it quickly.

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/07/2020 09:46

And say you’re not jealous. You just don’t know this woman and don’t want to spend all day with her and feel a bit surprised he’s prioritising time with her over time continuing to get to know you.

Say it would be the same if he wanted to drag you to the pub with lad mates all day - it isn’t the sort of relationship you want.

SmileyClare · 31/07/2020 09:46

I'm not having a go at you by the way. When I was younger in relationships I didn't speak up and let the bf take the lead. You just end up feeling miserable and overlooked.

Tell him and if he isn't prepared to see your point of view or blames it on "your issues"" then it might be a dreaded Red Flag situation.
He's treating you unfairly. Presumably he will spend more time at yours, so this problem isn't going away.

I wonder how it would work when his friend is in a relationship? Would he expect to hangout in a foursome or would his friend cool off? Its an odd position to put a partner in and most wouldn't be happy with it.

Riv · 31/07/2020 09:47

I feel like because he's come here to see me (I think) that it's bad if I don't go, but at the same time why should it only be what he wants ?
This in spades!
You don’t need to waste your time, money and energy doing what he wants all the time. You should be working towards partnership, both giving and receiving roughly equally. He should be considering your needs, you are his girlfriend AND his host. Stop sacrificing yourself and being the only giver. Do what you want and let him do what he wants. You will then get a better idea of just where this is going, and if you want to go with it!

Batqueen · 31/07/2020 09:47

So in summation, I think it’s nice that he has close friendships but is being pretty insensitive here

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/07/2020 09:47

Oh and if he says you’re being controlling, turn it round and say no, you’re trying to control my actions so you can get what you want. You’re being controlling, mate!

Sexnotgender · 31/07/2020 09:48

@AnastarziaAnaqway

Yeah, i'm thinking of telling him I don't want to go today and will see how that goes down.

Absolutely do.

The best way to see the real person is to say no to them. Most people are lovely when you’re doing what they want!

Original poster

AnastarziaAnaqway · 31/07/2020 09:49

Thanks so much everyone. Honestly expected to be told on here that I was jealous, controlling etc. But clearly i'm not BU.

OP posts:

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