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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend wants to meet friend almost every day

105 replies

AnastarziaAnaqway · 31/07/2020 08:59

He has a female best friend, I know it's always been platonic, he's known her a few years and she's always had a boyfriend.

Anyway she lives near me, he used to live here but doesn't anymore. He's staying with me for just under a week and he's wanted us to meet up with her almost every day.

If it was for an hour or so that'd be different but we end up spending the entire day with her and I find it too much, even though she's very friendly.

I know he loves me as I am and seems happy with me but I admit I feel a bit insecure because they are like twins, they are both very extroverted and seem to have the exact same sense of humour. They have each other in stitches constantly and loads of in-jokes, plus work in the same industry.

I'm a little quieter and more subdued I guess, even though I like to have a laugh. I also find it very draining to see the same people constantly, I don't even see my own friends that much.

I've explained this to him (about me being introverted). I really hope I don't sound controlling or anything because that is not my intention at all he can be friends/see whoever he likes.

I just think if I had gone to see him and I had us meeting one of my friends nearly all day every day it would be a bit unfair ? I think it almost makes me feel as if he doesn't want to spend time with just me alone.

AIBU ?

OP posts:
pussycatinboots · 31/07/2020 09:50

We are supposed to see her today (and tomorrow) but I just don't want to.

No. Just say, "No, you've already caught up with xxx, we're going to , I've booked us a table for 2." If he doesn't like it, show him the door.

It does sound very much like his ex had come to the same conclusion you have.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 31/07/2020 09:50

This would do my tits in.

Think very carefully about this. You can (justly) ask for it to be you and bf only today. If that causes any ruction to be quite frank I’d either sack this relationship off OR have a conversation with him about how you feel.

With respect OP, you sound quite young. Do you really want to be wasting your time questioning your perfectly normal reaction to an abnormal situation?

Original poster
AnastarziaAnaqway · 31/07/2020 09:51

Apparently his ex made him send photos of where he was to prove he wasn't cheating. That is very toxic and I am absolutely not like that but I do wonder if she was worried about this particular girl.

He's said he really wants her and I to be friends, which i'm happy to do, but I do find this setup weird.

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 31/07/2020 09:54

Tbh I would throw the towel in. When you get to the point where you have to police your OH’s relationship with female friends it’s game over.

Some would call this “setting boundaries” but I think if he really wanted to spend time with you exclusively you wouldn’t have to be fighting for it. By the time you get to the point where you are having to lobby him to spend time with you the ship has sailed. He will start to feel resentment and you will be suspicious all the time: it’s no way to live.

Original poster
AnastarziaAnaqway · 31/07/2020 09:54

Think that says it all..

Boyfriend wants to meet friend almost every day
OP posts:
billy1966 · 31/07/2020 09:55

OP, doesn't sound as if ye are compatible.

This is not normal behaviour.

He sounds far mor interested in being in her company than yours.

Are you convenient accommodation?

Was his ex controlling because she too didn't want to spend time endlessly with this friend?

Tell him he needs to visit her separately and stay with her if he is that keen to be with her.

I think you are a convenience.

You can do better.Flowers

Sistery · 31/07/2020 09:56

‘My ex was controlling’ is such an ‘I’m warning you early to let me do what I want and disrespect you otherwise you’ll be an ex too’ red flag.

Hope you’re ok. xx

pussycatinboots · 31/07/2020 09:56

4% seems rather high!

Lifeisconfusing · 31/07/2020 09:57

It’s almost like a glass screen this (friendship thing) like who’s to say he’s not cheating with her? Regardless if he is just friends it’s totally unacceptable to spend that much time 6+ hours etc when is poor gf is sat at home or having to tag along! It’s disrespectful to you! How long have you been with him ? Surly he would want to put you and your needs first if he loves you? Be strong and do not put up with it and do not let him think it’s all you and your issues jealousy etc? How the hell would he feel??? If you and another man friend did this? I don’t think he would like it do you? Red flag 🚩 lovely let this be a lesson don’t put up with this shit xx

Batqueen · 31/07/2020 09:57

It looks like he is trying to force a friendship between you and her.

Maybe you could point out to him that there is a better chance of that happening if you don’t see her every day as it’s too much for you as an introvert?

Lifeisconfusing · 31/07/2020 09:57

Smoke screen Grin

Original poster
AnastarziaAnaqway · 31/07/2020 10:01

She has had a boyfriend for years, he came along too and my boyfriend was very affectionate with me when we were with her but still he seems to think the sun shines out of her derrière ? Even when she phoned him to say she was on her way he was laughing his head off every minute at whatever she was saying on the phone.

I wonder why he may be forcing a friendship ?

OP posts:
StatementKnickers · 31/07/2020 10:07

Aren't you the poster who wanted to introduce your new boyfriend to your friends this week but none of them got back to you?

Anyway, YANBU but the heart wants what it wants and you can't make your BF choose you. He's already shown you how he feels and I would put money on him and his soulmate "friend" ending up together. You might as well cut your losses and let them get on with it. You deserve to be someone's favourite person!

Whatsnewpussyhat · 31/07/2020 10:09

Seriously, it's only been a couple of months, this level of angst really isn't worth it. Leave them to it and find someone better.

CorianderLord · 31/07/2020 10:09

That's a lot of time together - are none of you working atm? Could it be boredom?

DP is close to his best mate but they see each other once in the week alone and once or twice on a weekend as couples

Original poster
AnastarziaAnaqway · 31/07/2020 10:09

Yes that's me, and one eventually replied to say she didn't want to be a 3rd wheel so that's why she hadn't replied.

Honestly i've got some great male friends but not in a million years would I expect my boyfriend to meet them almost every day and all day.

At the same time I tell myself that after so many years surely they would have been together by now ?

OP posts:
StatementKnickers · 31/07/2020 10:09

By the way, it is always a red flag to me when a guy talks about how controlling/crazy his ex was, especially in the early days of a relationship. Most of the time it's bollocks - they want to scare you into being unnaturally undemanding so that you won't be like the "crazy" ex. Sounds like it's working...

Batqueen · 31/07/2020 10:10

@AnastarziaAnaqway

She has had a boyfriend for years, he came along too and my boyfriend was very affectionate with me when we were with her but still he seems to think the sun shines out of her derrière ? Even when she phoned him to say she was on her way he was laughing his head off every minute at whatever she was saying on the phone.

I wonder why he may be forcing a friendship ?

Because if you like her you are less likely to be jealous and see her as a threat. He wants you to be able to do double dates, couples holidays etc All well and fine, I think most people hope that their partners will like their friends but they introduce them slooowly not at this forced pace! If he chilled out he would have a better chance of achieving his aim. He seems to have forgotten that he needs to actually build a relationship with you before he gets to that point!
Motoko · 31/07/2020 10:11

Apparently his ex made him send photos of where he was to prove he wasn't cheating. That is very toxic and I am absolutely not like that but I do wonder if she was worried about this particular girl.

I don't believe his ex was jealous and controlling. Men who say their exes were jealous, controlling, a gold digger, mental, etc, are saying that because the exes saw through them and dumped them, but he tells the new gf these stories, so the new gf does everything she can to prove she's not like his ex, just like you're already doing. You're playing into his hands by not asserting your boundaries. Asserting boundaries is not being jealous or controlling.

Don't go today, and see how he reacts to your telling him you'd like to spend time with just him.

Original poster
AnastarziaAnaqway · 31/07/2020 10:12

I'm only working online part-time and I think the girl is unemployed, bf is furloughed.

He suggested that we meet her today (yesterday) and I said, I thought we were going to X place ? I feel like he wanted to see her more than go to the other place with me.

Then he was saying we could go to hers to watch a film or whatever as we "don't have plans anyway do we" and we would only be 'stuck at mine in the heat'. But we'd be inside at hers too ?

OP posts:
2Rebecca · 31/07/2020 10:12

It sounds as though he and his friend who is a girl have more in common than you and him. I think long term you'd be better with someone else and he should hook up with her. It sounds as though he's using you for accomodation. Kick him out and move on

caramelbun · 31/07/2020 10:19

Yeah I agree with the others. It’s not a jealousy thing. Even if it was a male friend it would be a bad sign. This early on in a relationship, he should be quite absorbed with your company alone and relish every second you get together.

Can’t imagine my husband ever doing this at the very beginning of our relationship, or ever. I think it’s a subtle sign he isn’t the one op.

SmileyClare · 31/07/2020 10:19

Urgh he sounds really annoying if he's hanging off her every word and laughing like a drain at everything she says!

Is he a bit immature? Perhaps a views a girlfriend as just sex. You say he's affectionate. So does that mean he's having a right old laugh with his bezzie but you're there to be touched up and cuddled only? Confused

He needs to view a gf as an equal person, a best friend, the person he wants to share everything with? It's all a bit weird frankly.

CorianderLord · 31/07/2020 10:22

Oh btw the teetotallers in my group dont buy rounds. It's unfair. They just grab their own (or we chuck theirs in but don't expect it back as they're on lime and soda or something)

LittleMissRedHat · 31/07/2020 10:24

@StatementKnickers

By the way, it is always a red flag to me when a guy talks about how controlling/crazy his ex was, especially in the early days of a relationship. Most of the time it's bollocks - they want to scare you into being unnaturally undemanding so that you won't be like the "crazy" ex. Sounds like it's working...
^ This