SIL and admin/wife work

[LavenderBear]

This is one of those things that has become really important (almost like a hill to die on), but very aware you may all pile on and say it's just petty and we need to get on with it. So looking for honest views please.

When lockdown started easing a bit, we started talking (on DH's side of the family) about planning a get-together as the children/cousins hadn't seen each other in so long. Usually we see each other a fair bit as we all live reasonably locally. This would be MIL, her two sons (DH and BIL), me and SIL, and five children (mixture of ages under 6). We all get along well.

We all said it would be a good idea and a local park seemed to be bandied around as the destination, probably with a picnic. All fine. No one really made any effort to sort a date though. Over the next few weeks I mentioned to DH every now and then that maybe he should organise something (he had to talk to his brother about something unrelated, so seemed like it would be efficient). DH agreed and never did anything.

Fast forward a few weeks and me and SIL are talking about things over text and she mentions that we're trying to sort this meet-up. After thinking about my reply for a minute or so, I respond that yes and I'm very keen, but that I don't really want to organise it myself as I do literally everything else. I hold my breath a bit, thinking she might be hurt, offended, or pissed off, but then she replies saying exactly the same. We agree to leave it to DH and BIL to try and send a basic text to each other. All fine and me and SIL feel nicely bonded a bit.

To the crux of the story, sorry, MIL now really wants to arrange this (understandably). There's a family chat group and me and SIL mentioned that it's being sorted out by the two men. MiL is pleased and very happy. But nothing is happening. They're not bothering. And now MIL has asked me and SIL if we can just share dates and do it ourselves.

What do you think?

YABU - it's a tiny bit of admin and will make MIL happy, plus the kids get to hang out and they're the real ones missing out here.
YANBU - why on Earth can't the men text each other if it's such a small deal, and women are always left to sort things like this.

Background - me and SIL do everything. My nieces and nephews only gets birthday and Christmas presents because I sort it, and vice versa. I do SiL's birthday because DH wouldn't bother (actually, what would happen is MIL would mention it and he'd say he hadn't sorted anything so she'd give SIL money and say it's from all of us and DH would be fine with that; I don't want this, so I sort something), and I know she does mine. I don't mind this, but I refuse to do BIL because it's DH's own brother. So BIL rarely gets a birthday card or present.

I always cave because i think its nice for my children to see their cousins, aunts and grandparents and i clearly think thats more important than DH does. It does annoy me though and i wish i didnt cave in. I dont do presents, cards and that mind of thing though. Thats all on him.

I asked DH to send the family Christmas cards one year (actual cards, a few years ago)

Turned out he hadn't a clue about who we sent them to, or why, or anything about the ways I was keeping in touch with family/friends (his/mine/mutual)

After that debacle, I told him I wouid be doing my family and friends, and mutual friends. But he needed to take over his.

I still don't think the penny has dropped - as I sometimes hear him griping that 'we never see so-and-so' (yes, that's because he's your friend to fix things with, yes of course I'd come along, I don't dislike him, but you need to keep this friendship alive. If it's not worth your attention/effort, then it won't be happening)

having seen your update about how grateful your MIL is when she gets to come over I'd arrange a date with SIL & her DCs, you and your DCs and the MIL (if she wants to). Leave the men right out of it and let the cousins have their day. Don't even involve them in any aspect of it at all. Absolute fuckers not stepping up for their own mum (who sounds lovely and a bit lonely).

If you want it to be shit, with hardly any food and nothing to sit on, but plentiful lager and footballs, leave it to the men. If you want a nice time, then organise it yourselves.

Oh ffs. Just stop it. Men are as able to organise anything as anyone else. They run the sodding world and see that as their fucking birthright, ffs. A picnic is beneath them. it's not important enough -otherwise these particular DHs would be doing it as countless other ones do. This kind of shit is what keeps women in the home when they don't want to be, in part time jobs when they don't want to be, as default parent when they don't want to be, men in the higher paid job when they want to be part time, men working when they want to be the SAHP etc etc ad infinitum ad nauseam.

YANBU. No one in my DH family would get any presents for anything if it was left to DH. I would probably end up doing it myself if I had a good relationship with my SIL and MIL!

YANBU it’s shit of your DH and you shouldn’t have to do it.

But what I can’t work out from your post is if you’ve said to your DH “Your Mum is upset the family meet-up isn’t sorted - you need to call her and your brother now to sort it.”

Or if you’re just sort of saying to others that the blokes are in charge but no ones telling them people are upset & annoyed by their lack of planning, and they’re happily oblivious while you all stew. Because that’s worse mental load, frankly.

Either way I’d be making feelings crystal clear to my DH.

Presumably it's MIL and FIL who've brought up their sons to be so uncaring?

So they really only have themselves to blame.

I think the bottom line is the guys aren’t that fussed about meeting up. In my experience folks sort things they are keen to do, if they don’t, they aren’t.

@sailorstrousersblue

Presumably it's MIL and FIL who've brought up their sons to be so uncaring?

So they really only have themselves to blame.

Oh please!

@LavenderBear I'd take the approach of being extremely direct with your husband. Because he doesn't read the group chats, I would say directly to his face that his mum misses him and that you and your SIL have left the organizing to him and his brother.

"Go contact your brother now in order to arrange this. It has been weeks. It takes just a minute to do so. Are you not concerned that your mother's feelings are being hurt?"

Hopefully that may shock him into action. It seems like he's following inertia.

Presumably it's MIL and FIL who've brought up their sons to be so uncaring?

Nope. I have EXACTLY the same upbringing as my DB but i see our mum much more than he does, and i live in a different country. I also WhatsApp with her daily, and speak weekly. Just as she and our dad did with their parents when we were growing up and moving around a lot. It's idleness and ... well, not sure. But it's mostly not their upbringing or else their sisters wouldn't all be picking up the slack.