SIL and admin/wife work

[LavenderBear]

This is one of those things that has become really important (almost like a hill to die on), but very aware you may all pile on and say it's just petty and we need to get on with it. So looking for honest views please.

When lockdown started easing a bit, we started talking (on DH's side of the family) about planning a get-together as the children/cousins hadn't seen each other in so long. Usually we see each other a fair bit as we all live reasonably locally. This would be MIL, her two sons (DH and BIL), me and SIL, and five children (mixture of ages under 6). We all get along well.

We all said it would be a good idea and a local park seemed to be bandied around as the destination, probably with a picnic. All fine. No one really made any effort to sort a date though. Over the next few weeks I mentioned to DH every now and then that maybe he should organise something (he had to talk to his brother about something unrelated, so seemed like it would be efficient). DH agreed and never did anything.

Fast forward a few weeks and me and SIL are talking about things over text and she mentions that we're trying to sort this meet-up. After thinking about my reply for a minute or so, I respond that yes and I'm very keen, but that I don't really want to organise it myself as I do literally everything else. I hold my breath a bit, thinking she might be hurt, offended, or pissed off, but then she replies saying exactly the same. We agree to leave it to DH and BIL to try and send a basic text to each other. All fine and me and SIL feel nicely bonded a bit.

To the crux of the story, sorry, MIL now really wants to arrange this (understandably). There's a family chat group and me and SIL mentioned that it's being sorted out by the two men. MiL is pleased and very happy. But nothing is happening. They're not bothering. And now MIL has asked me and SIL if we can just share dates and do it ourselves.

What do you think?

YABU - it's a tiny bit of admin and will make MIL happy, plus the kids get to hang out and they're the real ones missing out here.
YANBU - why on Earth can't the men text each other if it's such a small deal, and women are always left to sort things like this.

Background - me and SIL do everything. My nieces and nephews only gets birthday and Christmas presents because I sort it, and vice versa. I do SiL's birthday because DH wouldn't bother (actually, what would happen is MIL would mention it and he'd say he hadn't sorted anything so she'd give SIL money and say it's from all of us and DH would be fine with that; I don't want this, so I sort something), and I know she does mine. I don't mind this, but I refuse to do BIL because it's DH's own brother. So BIL rarely gets a birthday card or present.

Yanbu

tell your dh to step up as his family are missing out and stop doing any of it.
Why did you start in the first place, we are going backwards. I'm in my 50's and was a sahm for years but no way did I do dh family stuff, I had my own to do.
God this thread is depressing sort it out.

It's exactly like @Kettlingur says, it's arranging play dates for husbands.

^^ This. And it would kill any sexual attraction fir DH as well.

YABU for calling a couple of text message "admin" but if are not that bothered about going leave it to your DH, if you want to go I would arrange it for myself, the kids and MIL and leave DH behind.

I really don’t know why either of you are doing this. What’s wrong with mil sorting it out?

If you want it to be shit, with hardly any food and nothing to sit on, but plentiful lager and footballs, leave it to the men. If you want a nice time, then organise it yourselves.

Sorry, that's probably not what you wanted to hear

Stick your heels in. If you do the "wife work" "just this once" it's never just once. She needs to tell her sons to pull their fingers out. She's part of the problem by pushing it on to the women

Yanbu. Don't do anything. Let them arrange it, or not. And crucially, think no more about it.

Omg this is so like DH & his family. It's actually like a comedy them trying to come to some sort of arrangement for them. They always used to message me but then I realised it was just another aspect of DHs life I was facilitating.

So now I just grab my popcorn & watch them try to organise things between them.

Compromise - you each tell your husbands you will pick the date since they clearly can't manage it but the food is their responsibility.

I think you and SIL should arrange to take MIL out somewhere nice and leave the Dc with DH's!

I arrange stuff for me to do with MIL and the DC. I might suggest and remind DH to sort out stuff with BIL and PIL but I don't organise whole family meet-ups.

I still don't see this as 'wife work admin' though. It's just family life. I can't believe people get in a flap about things like this.

Thank you everyone! Appreciate all replies, and didn't expect it to be so supportive. Also appreciate those who think I am BU, because it's how I think sometimes too.

And thank you to those who have shared their similar stories. It's so depressing :(

MIL probably won't organise it herself. She'd be worried that she isn't wanted and would get anxious about it. She's the kind of person who would love to have us round her house all the time but never invites us, so it rarely happens. We invite her here all the time and she's always overly grateful. She's always worried about outstaying her welcome and if invited for dinner would leave straight after. DH just lets things happen, but I like and care for MIL and always invite her (firmly) to stay and say we'll be back down for drinks after we've put the kids to bed. If it was up to me she'd stay overnight loads too, but she thinks she'd be an inconvenience.

There is a family WhatsApp but DH never reads it. I'm always updating him on his family news, thinking he's seen it and he'll be surprised because he didn't. BIL always reads things and very quickly, so I'm sure he'll have seen the messages about it being up to them. I have no idea if he's contacted DH and DH isn't bothering to reply, or if neither of them are bothering 🤷🏼‍♀️

Tbh I'd meet SIL in the park with the DCs if I wanted to see them. I appreciate not wanting to do the wife work but if I wanted to see my SIL and thought my DCs would like to play with their DCs, I wouldn't cut my nose off to spite my face simply because my DH was being deliberately useless. I also wouldn't invite DH along. Thinking about it, this is what has happened with DH's relatives that I like.

Just organise it. Send a date and a time. It’ll take one minute.
Does it really matter who organises it , particularly as you all want to meet up?

Life’s too short.

I still don't see this as 'wife work admin' though. It's just family life. I can't believe people get in a flap about things like this.

This is MN though, it's hilarious how uptight people get about trivial things, they like to have pink and blue jobs!

I'd meet without them.

@bookmum08, I totally see your point and that's why I posted, not knowing if I should just get on with it.

What I find hard is that yes, it is only a tiny bit of time, but if I'm always the one doing the things that take a tiny bit of time, and DH rarely is, then that's a lot of my physical and mental time being taken up by things that should be shared. It's that mental load stuff, isn't it.

@Devlesko

tell your dh to step up as his family are missing out and stop doing any of it. Why did you start in the first place, we are going backwards. I'm in my 50's and was a sahm for years but no way did I do dh family stuff, I had my own to do. God this thread is depressing sort it out.

I don't have a satisfying answer for you, but yes.... I know :(

Yanbu. I'm in my 50s and have never done wirework. This month, DH has again failed to do anything about a birthday on his side of the family and despite SIL dropping heavy hints to me, I'm not changing the habit of a lifetime now.

DH heard and saw me organising a card for my d great-nephew but completely ignored his own. I feel bad for the child, but it definitely ain't my responsibility.

YANBU. DH made an arrangement to meet with some friends recently, then kept asking me, had I rung the wife? And I could have done, we are v good friends, but I just thought, no, you started it, you finish it. Just this once. And they did and we had a lovely time, but the wife told me her DH had done the same thing. Annoying.

If it’s only a tiny bit of time then DH can arrange it. Stuff like this pisses me off. It’s so dismissive of women’s work. ‘Playdates for the husbands’ is right. I absolutely refuse to get involved in stuff like this. If someone from husband’s family doesn’t get a present then that’s not my problem.

It’s hardly arranging a cruise for twenty people with transfers. It’s a picnic. Just pick a day!

Absolutely hate the term ‘wife work’.

YANBU. Why is she contacting you not her son?

LavendarBear

Do you know who taught me this? I swear it was my dh grandma, long gone now and she was in her 80's at the time.
She was a sahm all her married life and sat me down and told me exactly what I said above, about not doing it.
"Let them throw their clothes/underwear on the floor, they'll soon learn, she said.
Best advice ever, apart from she was so indignant about it she was almost shouting at me