SIL and admin/wife work

[LavenderBear]

This is one of those things that has become really important (almost like a hill to die on), but very aware you may all pile on and say it's just petty and we need to get on with it. So looking for honest views please.

When lockdown started easing a bit, we started talking (on DH's side of the family) about planning a get-together as the children/cousins hadn't seen each other in so long. Usually we see each other a fair bit as we all live reasonably locally. This would be MIL, her two sons (DH and BIL), me and SIL, and five children (mixture of ages under 6). We all get along well.

We all said it would be a good idea and a local park seemed to be bandied around as the destination, probably with a picnic. All fine. No one really made any effort to sort a date though. Over the next few weeks I mentioned to DH every now and then that maybe he should organise something (he had to talk to his brother about something unrelated, so seemed like it would be efficient). DH agreed and never did anything.

Fast forward a few weeks and me and SIL are talking about things over text and she mentions that we're trying to sort this meet-up. After thinking about my reply for a minute or so, I respond that yes and I'm very keen, but that I don't really want to organise it myself as I do literally everything else. I hold my breath a bit, thinking she might be hurt, offended, or pissed off, but then she replies saying exactly the same. We agree to leave it to DH and BIL to try and send a basic text to each other. All fine and me and SIL feel nicely bonded a bit.

To the crux of the story, sorry, MIL now really wants to arrange this (understandably). There's a family chat group and me and SIL mentioned that it's being sorted out by the two men. MiL is pleased and very happy. But nothing is happening. They're not bothering. And now MIL has asked me and SIL if we can just share dates and do it ourselves.

What do you think?

YABU - it's a tiny bit of admin and will make MIL happy, plus the kids get to hang out and they're the real ones missing out here.
YANBU - why on Earth can't the men text each other if it's such a small deal, and women are always left to sort things like this.

Background - me and SIL do everything. My nieces and nephews only gets birthday and Christmas presents because I sort it, and vice versa. I do SiL's birthday because DH wouldn't bother (actually, what would happen is MIL would mention it and he'd say he hadn't sorted anything so she'd give SIL money and say it's from all of us and DH would be fine with that; I don't want this, so I sort something), and I know she does mine. I don't mind this, but I refuse to do BIL because it's DH's own brother. So BIL rarely gets a birthday card or present.

I agree with other posters. Your MIL sounds lovely, and I’d do it for her.

I’d die on a hill that was purely about your DH - not one that affects the important relationships with your ILs - which include your kids. Your kids could really benefit from having a good relationship with their father’s family - so encourage it. Yes of course it would be great if your DH did it - but the sake of a phone call or quick message - then if you want to make him step up about organization work pick something that is only to do with him and won’t adversely affect your MIL or your kids.

YANBU

It wouldn't occur to me to communicate with my in-laws, dh does all that. He's a fully functioning adult.

I do my family. I will concede though that we see my family more.

@ScrapThatThen

I say meet sil for a beer in a nice beer garden and leave the kids with the dh's.

Aha. I like that idea. Take MIL too and share a nice bottle of something quaffable. 🍷

As for making arrangements, men are generally quite crap at this.

I don't think they are. Most men just make the assumption that wifey will sort everything out, and leave it.

Men are capable of sorting things out. They wouldn't have jobs if they weren't.

It's a fair enough hill to die on, however it's also ok if you choose to organise stuff as well.

My ex was hopeless at organising anything with his family. In the end I took the stance that his parents were lovely and they were an absolute benefit to my girls' lives. So I organised things for the girls sake. They had the kind of grandparents who quickly got into the way of taking them out so I only did it for a short time before it was the GP's just asking me "Can we take the girls on X date..." They have a lovely relationship now and I'm glad I did

That said he is an ex so that says a lot.

I do a lot of organising with DH's family, but DH works away for weeks/months at a time so that's different.

I think it has probably taken you longer to type your post on MN and then monitor and reply than it what it would have done to text SIL with your dates and say “see you then, really looking forward to it”

As for making arrangements, men are generally quite crap at this.

If Mumsnet is anything to go by, a lot of them seem to have no difficulty at all in arranging to go to the pub with their mates, or to play golf or go on a six hour long cycle.

YANBU.

Tell your DH to pull his thumb out and organise the promised event with HIS family. He can hold down a job; he can organise meet ups with HIS family. FFS. He's a grown up. You're not his secretary.

YA definitely NBU

Mental load is the hill I am currently on, half dead.

I had this with exdp. I'd always send cards to his family which tbh I didn't really mind. But 1 year it was the 1st mothers day after my mam died and it totally wasn't on my radar (trying to block it out) and I forgot to send milk a card, and she rang complaining a few weeks later :(

So has your MIL not seen your kids since march? That's horrible. I would actually consider this a really horrible personality trait in my DH, if he cared so little for his own mother I would be unimpressed.

I think I would have a really firm word with DH, explain to him how much his mum is probably upset by this and how much he is letting her and his kids down by not arranging a meet up. Find out if he is checking the family WhatsApp, ask him if you can't see on WhatsApp. I would also write something along the lines of...

" Have repeatedly asked DH to arrange a meet up but he hasn't come up with any dates and doesn't even seem to be reading messages. I would suggest one of you call him directly as I can't get through to him and we all would really love a meet up"

I do feel sorry for mil though so might cave on this occasion but make it clear to DH that you are not happy and explain why.

@saraclara

I would die on a wife work hill, but I wouldn't make it this particular hill. I'd wait for something that wouldn't end up hurting someone if it didn't happen. This event is about your MIL mainly, and the kids. Not just that, it's REALLY needed because of Covid. It's more significant and needed than usual.

So yes, I'd be annoyed, but this time I'd make the calls. And mentally prepare for the hill further ahead when it might be the men that lose out if it doesn't happen, not your sweet MIL.

This really resonates with me.

@Pizzaonthebeach

I think it has probably taken you longer to type your post on MN and then monitor and reply than it what it would have done to text SIL with your dates and say “see you then, really looking forward to it”

Yes, you're right. I don't dispute that. I guess it's the principle of that time. And all the other little times. It's really hard internally to battle out the principle versus 'it's just two minutes, just do it yourself'.

@Feelingconfused2020

So has your MIL not seen your kids since march? That's horrible. I would actually consider this a really horrible personality trait in my DH, if he cared so little for his own mother I would be unimpressed.

I think I would have a really firm word with DH, explain to him how much his mum is probably upset by this and how much he is letting her and his kids down by not arranging a meet up. Find out if he is checking the family WhatsApp, ask him if you can't see on WhatsApp. I would also write something along the lines of...

" Have repeatedly asked DH to arrange a meet up but he hasn't come up with any dates and doesn't even seem to be reading messages. I would suggest one of you call him directly as I can't get through to him and we all would really love a meet up"

I do feel sorry for mil though so might cave on this occasion but make it clear to DH that you are not happy and explain why.

MIL has seen us loads. And I think she's seen the other side (SIL, BIL and three kids) a couple of times. It's the bigger family meet-up and the kids seeing each other that hasn't happened.

It's the kids bits that really gets me. They used to be such close cousins.

If you can't get your DH to do it after a stern word. I would arrange a date for DHs, MIL and kids to meet up. You and SIL go somewhere else get drunk and roll in late.

It's the kids bits that really gets me. They used to be such close cousins.

That’s why I took over doing it. For the kids sake

But ex absolutely knew that it impacted our relationship because it made me furious at him that he couldn’t take 5 minutes to do something important for our children

@NerrSnerr

YANBU we have this issue with my husband's best friend. His wife will periodically message me to ask when we can all get together. I don't fucking know, I have my own friends to try and arrange stuff with and he can do it himself. Luckily I just forward the messages on to my husband and he deals with it. I reply every time telling her this and he sorts it but the messages still come to me first.

You sound lovely. Your own friends. Lucky them.

Anyway op YABU in this scenario. It's very dramatic. This isn't 'life admin' it's just like someone said above, '11am Saturday?"
"Yeah,ok".

@Stompythedinosaur👍👍

I'm with you and the few who would die on this hill. Big time.

I wouldn't move an inch. Not a bloody inch.

This would be make me hunker down and be a really difficult woman...actually....more difficult!

Another thread that makes my husband look good😁

I dont organise any of the stuff for DP side of family catch ups. Its not my job to keep them happy

As for making arrangements, men are generally quite crap at this
Bullshit
Men can organise stuff they WANT to do, like a footy trip, pub crawl, fishing trip. Its all a matter of want

I am in the midst of aome wife-work and I hate it and resent DH more and more wvery year that it all gets left to me. However, in this case I would do it for your MIL. She sounds lovely and from your description of her never wanting to get in the way it probably took a lot for her to ask if you would sort it out. Please do it for her.

I couldn’t get worked up about this if I tried. Good grief, just send the text. Surely in terms of mental energy it takes way more to get so het up about how you’re having to do all the ‘wife work’ (another thing you only ever hear about on Mumsnet) and deciding to ‘die on this hill’ than it would to just organise the get together? Oh but it’s the principle!! The principle of what? That you and your husband have different roles in your relationship and one of the things that generally falls to you is organising get togethers? Is there nothing that he normally takes care of that you don’t do? Do we have to be equal (the same) as men in every single area of our lives? Why can’t you be partners who each have your own roles and each play to your own strengths? I do most of the present shopping for the female members of DH’s family, for friends (mutual and otherwise) organise accommodation, travel etc when we go away somewhere and it honestly wouldn’t occur to me to make such a huge deal about what a martyr I am. Surely that just takes more mental energy? Maybe if DH didn’t give me any appreciation or any credit I guess I’d be a bit miffed. But I’m just better at it. As he is better at the things he does / brings to our relationship. It’s an overall balance, other than every single thing having to be equal.

Just organise it. Send a date and a time. It’ll take one minute

It’s not the time element. It’s setting or reinforcing the precedent that the SILs will do it. Does she want to arrange meet-ups between brothers for the rest of her life?

I do most of the present shopping for the female members of DH’s family

Why is your DH this clueless about HIS OWN family? Why do you allow him to be this thoughtless?

I’m going to be joking (but not really) here. Treat your DH like a dog and start training him. Be firm but patient. He needs to learn how to do this, it’s an important life skill.

Phrowzunn the key difference is that you don't resent it, and the op does, presumably because of the balance /lack of balance in other areas of the relationships.

I stopped arranging stuff for dhs family over the years. Adults birthdays as soon as Dd was born. As neices and nephews grew up, stopped doing their presents. I like his brothers and sister but since his parents died we never see them. I remind him sometimes but on the whole it clearly just doesn't bother him.

Yanbu - Tell your DH his mum is upset, tell him to sort it. Tell her to contact him.