SIL and admin/wife work

[LavenderBear]

This is one of those things that has become really important (almost like a hill to die on), but very aware you may all pile on and say it's just petty and we need to get on with it. So looking for honest views please.

When lockdown started easing a bit, we started talking (on DH's side of the family) about planning a get-together as the children/cousins hadn't seen each other in so long. Usually we see each other a fair bit as we all live reasonably locally. This would be MIL, her two sons (DH and BIL), me and SIL, and five children (mixture of ages under 6). We all get along well.

We all said it would be a good idea and a local park seemed to be bandied around as the destination, probably with a picnic. All fine. No one really made any effort to sort a date though. Over the next few weeks I mentioned to DH every now and then that maybe he should organise something (he had to talk to his brother about something unrelated, so seemed like it would be efficient). DH agreed and never did anything.

Fast forward a few weeks and me and SIL are talking about things over text and she mentions that we're trying to sort this meet-up. After thinking about my reply for a minute or so, I respond that yes and I'm very keen, but that I don't really want to organise it myself as I do literally everything else. I hold my breath a bit, thinking she might be hurt, offended, or pissed off, but then she replies saying exactly the same. We agree to leave it to DH and BIL to try and send a basic text to each other. All fine and me and SIL feel nicely bonded a bit.

To the crux of the story, sorry, MIL now really wants to arrange this (understandably). There's a family chat group and me and SIL mentioned that it's being sorted out by the two men. MiL is pleased and very happy. But nothing is happening. They're not bothering. And now MIL has asked me and SIL if we can just share dates and do it ourselves.

What do you think?

YABU - it's a tiny bit of admin and will make MIL happy, plus the kids get to hang out and they're the real ones missing out here.
YANBU - why on Earth can't the men text each other if it's such a small deal, and women are always left to sort things like this.

Background - me and SIL do everything. My nieces and nephews only gets birthday and Christmas presents because I sort it, and vice versa. I do SiL's birthday because DH wouldn't bother (actually, what would happen is MIL would mention it and he'd say he hadn't sorted anything so she'd give SIL money and say it's from all of us and DH would be fine with that; I don't want this, so I sort something), and I know she does mine. I don't mind this, but I refuse to do BIL because it's DH's own brother. So BIL rarely gets a birthday card or present.

After your update I think I would arrange it for MIL sake as she sounds lovely. But you are not unreasonable at all.

@Yankathebear

It’s hardly arranging a cruise for twenty people with transfers. It’s a picnic. Just pick a day!

Absolutely hate the term ‘wife work’.

Trust me, I don't use the term 'wife work' as a complimentary thing. It's horrible, and it's another insidious part of the patriarchy.

Sorry, I was using the term in a negative sense to get across how I feel about how these little jobs are often divvied up.

Yes I'd meet without them. I TOTALLY get the wife work / mental load. It drives me mad. Oh but it's just this and that and won't take any time at all hahaha. Literally thousands of things like this. grrrrr

I used to sort presents for DH's family. They never bothered with mine (at least your SIL sounds lovely). So now I don't bother, and neither does DH, and they continue to not bother. So no one bothers and it's all a bit miserable.

So, if you want to, just go yourselves, invite MIL but leave the DH's to it. They can organise their own. Or not.

I still don't see this as 'wife work admin' though. It's just family life. I can't believe people get in a flap about things like this.

Why is it always the women who are asked/expected to do it then?

@Devlesko

LavendarBear

Do you know who taught me this? I swear it was my dh grandma, long gone now and she was in her 80's at the time.
She was a sahm all her married life and sat me down and told me exactly what I said above, about not doing it.
"Let them throw their clothes/underwear on the floor, they'll soon learn, she said.
Best advice ever, apart from she was so indignant about it she was almost shouting at me

She sounds amazing. Wish I'd known her.

@Gomezzz

YABU for calling a couple of text message "admin" but if are not that bothered about going leave it to your DH, if you want to go I would arrange it for myself, the kids and MIL and leave DH behind.

And leave the men for a lovely child free day?

....Yea, brilliant idea 🙄

It's not just a few minutes though.

It's setting the precedent over, and over, and over again that all family work is the wife's. Whether she's related to them or knows them or like them or not.

I don't do anything for my in laws meetups. I'll assist DH, like help him cook and prep, but he is the one who needs to arrange it, check whether the food he's planning is ok etc.

Put it this way: I wouldn't expect DH to do this for my parents or siblings. Why would DH expect me to do it in reverse? It's hypocritical.

I can't believe how some posters are missing the point about what precedent this sets because it's "only" a few minutes. Can you imagine how much free adult wife energy and talent we could free up if some husbands actually stepped up to the fucking plate and dealt with a fair share of their own family?!

5 min per wife work task per woman multiplied by number of birthdays, anniversaries, meetups, whatever, multiplied by the women taking on this shit.... We'd be able to invent a time machine! But we don't. Because some women are too busy propping up their 5 year old husband's playdates.

I wouldn’t call it wife work but it does very much constitute ‘mental load’. It’s the sort of thing I would say ‘FFS add it to the frigging list’ in my house when I’ve got a lot on.

In your shoes I’d organise a hook up with SIL and the kids and forget the men. If they wanted to be there, they could’ve done something about it themselves.

YANBU. DH organises his side of the family, and I organise mine. If he chooses not to bother, they miss out.

This is MN though, it's hilarious how uptight people get about trivial things, they like to have pink and blue jobs!

It's the opposite of having pink and blue jobs. People who believe in pink and blue jobs are the ones who think that men should always take the bins out and women should send everyone birthday cards.

I'm with the OP. If he wants to see his family, it's up to him to make some arrangements, not to wait until the wives present them with a timetable.

Dotball I think the point is, that that would suit the gentlemen just fine. Do it if you want to, don't if you don't. And if you are going to resent it, then DEFINITELY don't do it.

You die on that hill OP.

To all the people telling you you’re being silly or petty, if it’s so fucking easy to do then the men can do it can’t they

And if you have a son, who one day marries, contact him to arrange family meet ups, not his wife.

Lumene in my family it isn't just the women who organise things though. It's a mix. My point was does it matter?

Don't give in!! Although I definitely think you should go for a drink with SIL.

I would die on a wife work hill, but I wouldn't make it this particular hill. I'd wait for something that wouldn't end up hurting someone if it didn't happen.
This event is about your MIL mainly, and the kids. Not just that, it's REALLY needed because of Covid. It's more significant and needed than usual.

So yes, I'd be annoyed, but this time I'd make the calls. And mentally prepare for the hill further ahead when it might be the men that lose out if it doesn't happen, not your sweet MIL.

Oh in that case fair enough @bookmum08 that isn’t wifework if both sexes are asked to and expected to and actually do it.

It’s when only the females are expected to do certain things they haven’t volunteered for that it gets really irritating for some people. Great if that is not an issue for you and your family.

Meeting up without the actual blood relatives in common/The husbands isn't quite the punishment for them not bothering organising meeting up. Unless you count 'missing out' as them having to console themselves with a child free afternoon on the xbox. I bet that'll learn 'em, I'm sure it'll encourage them to pull their fingers out for next time...

Yep, totally familiar. I slipped into doing all that stuff after I'd been a SAHM for a couple of years. I didn't mind it when I wasn't working, I had much more time than DH who works long hours. But it was awful when I went back to work, took up so much time so i told DH he'd have to sort anything to do with his family and I would do mine.

It took ages to break the habit on both sides, with DH's brother's wife always whatsapping me about what to sort for kids birthday and Christmas presents when I knew that DH and his bro would have had SOME sort of conversation already about it (and I kept out of that so don't know what was arranged). I just kept saying to SIL "speak to your husband about it, they've sorted something I think, and DH now does all the present buying for his side of the family".

As for making arrangements, men are generally quite crap at this. Dh is one of 4 brothers and particularly when tehy were all younger they really couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery. If we were sharing a taxi somewhere to go on a night out it was such a fecking palaver - 10 million phone calls and complications. Why they can't just have said "right, we'll grab the taxi from ours and will be at yours for 7.30 so be ready by then", i don' know! They don't seem to have organisation skills..

As for seeing family, I genuineoy think that a lot of them don't actually mind whether they meet up with family or not. The most I do now is saying "Why don't you invite your mum and dad round for tea sometime" but I leave it to him to arrange date and time. I have to prompt him to arrange to go and see his mum and dad or call them as I don't think he'd do it.

How about just you and SIL meet up with the DC because you would like the cousins to get together.

Then it is still left for DH and BIL to sort something out for MIL... it kind of drives the point home tbh.

TBH I'd sort it , especially if i liked MIL and SIL and missed them and the kids. Maybe a playdate at the local park, nothing too fancy.

However, I'd skip the men and pick a date/time when they're not available.

If they want to see each other they can sort it.

Yes I am that petty.

I would phone mil and explain that you and sil would love to see her but that this is a job you gave to her boys to sort and therefore she needs to contact them about it. I would let SIL know you're holding firm and say no more about it.

I know it’s not up to you, but I bet that you do most of the organizing - which basically means your MIL and your DH see more of your family than his?

I’m not blaming. He really should step up. But I have the same with my brothers. They used to get me to ask their wives to sort out dates - as they ‘held the calendar’. Which to be fair, they did. Until SIL started to just not sort out a date and now it is very difficult to see my brother. It is partly because, as SIL does organize all the social calendar - every time me and my brother chose a date - SIL would then say later - and often when I’d arranged everything to make that date - that it clashed with something else.

So now I am quite sad really. It’s just another barrier now to seeing my brother and I just with my SIL would just pick a date with me. As then I’d know that she had it in her calendar - and nothing would turn up that she’d also arranged.

@RandomMess

How about just you and SIL meet up with the DC because you would like the cousins to get together.

Then it is still left for DH and BIL to sort something out for MIL... it kind of drives the point home tbh.

And then mil, who sounds lovely, suffers. How is that fair?

MIL probably won't organise it herself. She'd be worried that she isn't wanted and would get anxious about it

Then he and BiL are being pretty worthless sons. All three of you deserve betteer from the pair of them.