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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - Books VS Clothes

109 replies

GinaDoug · 30/07/2020 15:17

Can you give your opinion to help settle an argument between my husband and I?

We have a chest of drawers in our bedroom, stuffed over capacity with my clothes. He complains daily and has rather frequently made me give away clothes. He's right - My clothing habit is annoying.

However, we also have a bookshelf, also too full and stuffed beyond capacity, filled with his books. I want him to give some away. He has refused up until today when he gave up 5 of his books.

He says it is not comparing like with like. His argument for keeping all his books is that it is not causing a problem and that he wants to keep them all. My argument for wanting my clothes is that I want to keep them all. He says it's not the same.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

GinaDoug · 30/07/2020 19:25

@Alsohuman

And I've suggested it for 10 years. But can't agree

There wouldn’t be any discussion in this house. I can’t believe women allow themselves to be dictated to like this.

What would you do if you were me?

OP posts:

LannieDuck · 30/07/2020 19:26

I love books and couldn't care less about clothes.

But it's totally unreasonable for him to 'nag' you about something that annoys him and expect you to give some of the clothes away... if he's not going to give some of his books away when you 'nag' him because it annoys you.

You could link the two together - say you'll give away 5 items of clothing when he gives away 5 books? Or every time he complains about your chest of drawers, you ask when he's going to sort out his bookcase?

He either needs to accept you feel the same way about clothes as he does about books, and stop complaining. Or come to an agreement with you about how much is reasonable... of both clothes AND books.

Alsohuman · 30/07/2020 19:27

What would you do if you were me?

Buy another chest of drawers.

MinorArcana · 30/07/2020 19:29

This refusal on your DH’s part to consider getting a DH only set of drawers would make me a lot more annoyed about his demands that you get rid of excess clothes TBH.

Have you tried turning the argument round on him - as in, how would he feel if you bought some books, and then insisted that he get rid of some of his books to make room for yours on his bookshelves, even if there was room elsewhere downstairs for a small shelf for your books? And you refused to consider even a tiny extra bookshelf for your books and your books only as an alternative to him getting rid of books?

Silvergreen · 30/07/2020 19:33

As someone who loves both clothes & books, getting rid of either just makes new space for more of both 😂

CelestialSpanking · 30/07/2020 19:37

I wouldn’t give away clothes I actually wear/I definitely plan to wear. As for the books, if there shelves for them all and they’re plied up on the floor and every available surface/generally in the way, I don’t see the problem with having loads. It’s only like for like if both things- clothes and books- are getting in the way.

Ginkypig · 30/07/2020 19:42

I adore books and find them hard to get rid of but I try to keep them to a certain maximum although I could do with one more bookcase.

I also though don't want to get rid of clothes if they are still in good condition, I don't but loads though.

Anyway to my point!
I bought Dp and I one of these each, they are supposed to be for offices but actually now they are in the room they don't look terrible.
They take up the same space as a wardrobe because they are taller than a chest of drawers but they are still the same floor space pretty much but because they are shelved (adjustable) they replace the drawers so you don't add more furniture but hold much much more!

www.wayfair.co.uk/storage-organisation/pdp/rebrilliant-budd-2-door-storage-cabinet-ndmq1013.html?refid=TEM_WF_262&mmid=3260651922&csnid=60CA7791-921F-4B56-A775-3CBF90A48531&libra_c=&libra_d=&libra_g=&cltr=

NavyBerry · 30/07/2020 19:49

Books cannot be compared to clothes. YABU

toconclude · 30/07/2020 19:50

@Zilla1

Tis a sin and a crime to give away books.

Huh? No it isn't. It's the way more people can enjoy them.

Ginkypig · 30/07/2020 19:54

Dh has no right to insist you change your behaviour while he refuses to adjust his though.

He also doesn't have the right to tell you that you can't buy a new piece of more appropriate furniture/storage to house your things.

You are both supposed to be equal so therefore neither of you is in charge and can't give out rules to govern the other but equally there has to be compromise on both sides to be fair too.

I agree that neither item is more important than another because you each have separate priorities but I also agree that if one or both of you takes up more space with in this case books or clothes than the storage you have in place allows then you either need to adjust the storage or adjust the amount you have.

It's not really ok for either of you to have stuff spilling or piled everywhere.

toconclude · 30/07/2020 20:11

@Zilla1

'more books than necessary' - again OP, I don't understand, unless he has many copies of a single book. I presume 'non-book people' have a different understanding of books.

I am very much a book person in that I love to read. I don't fetishise physical books though, it is quite possible for me to conceive of `too many books'and indeed I have too many - several hundred. I'm reading and getting rid slowly but surely...will keep some but half the numbers probably.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/07/2020 20:13

So he can fill an entire wall to house his books and you’re expected to store your clothes in a smaller space. In your position, I’d buy more storage.

Lifeisgenerallyfun · 30/07/2020 20:24

Books are a thing of beauty, clothes are functional- but that’s my view point. If you love clothes and your DH loves books you are both entitled to keep what you love in your life.

I had to get rid of loads of my books to make space when DH moved in. I wish I’d remained single lol!

Thehogfatherstolemycurry · 30/07/2020 20:37

Books have far more sentimental value than clothes for me. When I left husband number 1 I took my books and records, left some clothes. When at work I was tasked with closing the small community children's library I cried at the thought of throwing away books that countless children had read and loved, the ones I couldn't rehome came to live with me. Quite frankly I'd rather leave dh out in the rain that one of my discworld books. So no the books would not go. Equally though he shouldn't be nagging you to get rid of clothes if you're particularly attached to them. Just tidy up and don't nag each other.

Chloemol · 30/07/2020 20:37

I had this problem with my clothes, drawers rammed, then I folded them marie kondo style, the amount of room to put clothes away was ridiculous, just by folding like that, brilliant.

Lancrelady80 · 30/07/2020 20:57

Just buy him a chest of drawers of his own. You use one, he uses the other. No overflowing into each other's. Make an agreement that as soon as that starts to happen/clothes no longer fit neatly in drawers without spilling over THEN you will cull clothes. ONLY then.

Are you bothered by his books or just using it to show he's as "bad" as you about things you love? If bothered, also buy another bookcase or shelves and make same agreement.
Dh and I both love books and objectively have far too many, as gadgetty in laws point out. BUT we regularly dip into different ones (mostly dh) or re-read them (mostly me.) Or need them for reference due to work (me.) Library is fine in theory and we do use a lot, but if you fancy a particular book there's no guarantee it's in and you certainly can't wander along at 11:30pm in your pjs. And Kindle would cost a fortune to replace the books; isn't good enough size-wise for oh's factual books with diagrams/photos or his artwork books; and just isn't the same experience-different parts of the brain light up depending on if you read a book or Kindle.

Would love (and really need) a study/office/library but no spare room, no ability to extend, and no cash to move. So until I can claw back some of the children's playroom for adult use, bookcases are a mess.

BiblioX · 31/07/2020 04:58

I have bookshelves in every room, piles of books under every table lamp, nobody has the right to tell me to get rid of any. Reading is good for your mental capabilities and a book can be enjoyed 50 years after it is bought. Do you feel your clothes are the same? Even if you don’t, they are yours so don’t let there be an issue. More storage does help organisation. Underlying this, maybe think if your habits give you true pleasure? And also, is your relationship equal in respect and courtesy to each other.

ChangeThePassword · 31/07/2020 05:13

His argument for keeping all his books is that it is not causing a problem and that he wants to keep them all. My argument for wanting my clothes is that I want to keep them all

What problem is your clothes causing that the books aren't?

AnotherEmma · 31/07/2020 05:25

Your husband sounds very controlling.
How dare he insist that you get rid of your clothes and prevent you from buying more storage.
Presumably you wear these clothes, you don't have hoarder levels of clothes filling up multiple pieces of furniture in your house?!

I am all for minimising clutter (and recently had a clear out of clothes that was VERY satisfying) but clothes are a necessity. We actually do need quite a few clothes for different seasons and occasions. And there is more social pressure on women to dress well and in a greater variety of outfits.

I love books and reading but I do have shelves full of books that I don't read and frankly don't need to keep. I only have a small number of books that I am going to re-read and could probably get rid of the rest. Reference books, favourite books, special editions, sentimental value etc... but the rest are really not necessary. If you want to read a book you can borrow it from the library or get it on Kindle. I think some people like to have shelves and shelves full of books because they think it shows how intelligent and well-read they are, it's a weird kind of status symbol in a way.

Anyway I'm rambling but I think your husband is very wrong for his double standards and it makes me wonder if he is superior and controlling in other ways.

lightlypoached · 31/07/2020 06:58

I'm probably going to get mocked for this, but have you tried Kon Marie? It was a real revelation going through my clothes using this method (and it's stuck 5 years on). I discarded 60% of what I had and. Now it fits beautifully into quite a small space. All folded in rainbow colours and hung in clothing types. My undies drawer is just a dream

It's quite amazing when you get your 10 pairs of trousers out and really look at them, and realise that every time you get dressed , you discard x pairs because the button is uncomfortable, there is bobbling on them, or simply the other black pair is your go to favourite. Then You realise you are never going to wear the bobbly uncomfortable ones anyway so they may as well go. And you never miss them.

The same applies to books (I know - shock , horror at getting rid of books). I love my books but still got rid of about half of them. The ones I have now can be seen and enjoyed as they aren't crowded out by the tat. You owe it to those dreamy 1st editions to give them space to breathe and show off

Yes, KM is bonkers but it really does work (for some of us anyway).

AnotherEmma · 31/07/2020 08:34

Yes and with the Marie Kondo method you'd end up with many fewer books than clothes.

TeetotalKoala · 31/07/2020 08:46

I'm both people in this scenario. DH and I share a wardrobe and a gigantic chest of drawers. I'd like him to buy another wardrobe just for him so I can have both to myself as I'm bursting out of mine spaces. We also have a bookcase that is filled to capacity, and then some. They're all mine. No I haven't read many of them for years, but I have spent years building up various collections. He's constantly trying to get me to get rid of some (I did concede recently and get rid of about 5, most were doubles). I also have a ridiculous shoe habit that drives DH insane. The other day I cleared out 11 pairs from the box in our playroom where DH puts his. And that was nowhere near all of them.

YABU wanting him to give away his books and complaining about him wanting you to get rid of clothes in the same sentence. Just tell him no when he tries to make you give away your clothes. On that note. Clarify the 'made you' comment. Literally stood over you forcing you? In which case you have bigger issues. Or nagged you until you did? In which case tell him no.

3rdNamechange · 31/07/2020 09:22

@GinaDoug another one agreeing with PP , I cannot believe you've been having this conversation for 10 years.
Buy yourself another chest of drawers.

MinorArcana · 31/07/2020 09:27

Yes and with the Marie Kondo method you'd end up with many fewer books than clothes.

Not necessarily. I Kondo-ed both my clothes and my books a few years ago. Despite getting rid of more than half of my books, I still have lots more books than clothes.

Original poster

GinaDoug · 31/07/2020 13:43

Appreciate all of the replies and I have really listened to all the points being made.

One thing I will say - those of you that have suggested just going out and buying another set of drawers or more storage ... I would be alone going out and lets say, trying to wrangle heavy flat pack furniture into the car, alone in having to build, and the whole thing would cause such a lot of fighting and bad blood. Would this not happen to any of you if you did something your partner was dead set against?

OP posts:

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