To be upset regarding this comment?

[Notthisagainfgs]

Back story - I have pretty much always struggled with my weight. Always had a low BMI. Always been skinny and boney. I'm 5"11, 55kgs so it's distributed poorly!

Never had an ED. Never actively tried to be skinny, in fact, always eaten a, good amount pre baby yet, couldn't keep it on, every blood test has shown every thing is completely fine. Not worried etc.

6 months PP - returned to pre pregnancy weight in a week (yes, lucky me I guess, but not in my eyes I'd of loved to keep the weight and be a healthy size.

Im now 50kgs, 5kgs less than my prepregnacy weight. DH's family are concerned about me, I EBF my daughter, so they assume I'm loosing all my nutrients to her and something is wrong.

AIBU to ask, why is it OK to say to someone who is underweight that they look unhealthy but to reverse it to someone who is over weight, its completely unacceptable? I've always looked the same, it's just because I no longer have a bump I look differently.

Maybe Im thinking way to much into the comment but, all my life I've been exposed to 'you mustnt eat enough' 'just skin and bones on you' 'have a burger!'

But, if i turned around and said to someone who was visably over weight in their BMI 'oh crumbs you should eat a salad' 'go have a jog' etc id be absolutely slaughtered, even with the best interests at heart?

Why is this so?

Sorry to comment this but, this wasn't a post to be concerned and to make another dig at my weight. I've mentioned before on here that my doctor isn't concerned. This isn't the point I'm trying to raise here. Asking what I'm eating in a day etc isn't what I'm trying to achieve and I do understand it comes with a good intention. I've just re weighed myself this morning and I am indeed back up to 54kgs.

Again, I fluctuate on a nearly weekly basis and always have done. I've not stated once that I'm not eating enough and this is again proof that as soon as you mention you are underweight it's an automatic dig in the way that someone mustn't be eating enough. Breastfeeding in general can help you to not gain weight, my doctor did mention this to me.

I understand that it is out of general concern my IL's comments, but, that isn't the main point I was trying to make. It's also under handed digs about not eating enough or I must just be skin and bones etc.

@TheLastDynasty I never said it was the same. This is what infuriates me the most. Why is one worse than the other? Why do you put skinny shaming in quotations like its not real or any less than the opposite? No but I'm instantly looked at as someone who is unhealthy, underweight, fragile, sick etc? So why is that any better? Some comments here prove it, even yours. Can I ask, in the nicest way possible are you skinny?

@HavelockVetinari I have been!! Multiple! Times over my life and no one has ever had concerns and all the necessary test have been done like i have already stated.

@Gizlotsmum Definitely! It does seem to be fair game to mention to someone about being under but to even slightly mention it (not in a horrible or nasty way which seems my point isn't coming across!) but in a compassionate or worrysome way it's the worst thing. Both a bullied that's not what im trying to ask about. I hope your DS is OK in regards to the comments x

But, if i turned around and said to someone who was visably over weight in their BMI 'oh crumbs you should eat a salad' 'go have a jog' etc id be absolutely slaughtered, even with the best interests at heart?

Not on MN you wouldn't

@GlamGiraffe Totally get you ❤️ exactly how I feel 💐

Did the doctor also investigate for coeliac? Not everybody gets the overt digestive and /or skin symptoms, and can be a 'silent' patient. But the damage to the gut is still present and can show with a failure to keep a healthy range weight.

@eveningfalls My comments werent in regards to nasty comments. At all. It was in the respect that people claim to be helpful in their comments and thoughtful, yet to as skinny person being concerned is ok yet saying the same to an overweight person, just isn't acceptable? Calling anyone anything nasty isn't acceptable, but again this isnt the point I'm getting at.

@SlowDown76mph I have absolutely no idea, I had 7 vials of blood taken and he said he had ran every possible rest they could, didn't explain each one to me as such just said they were all normal, which was positive.

@StCharlotte confused by your comment tbf

I think it is because being thin is broadly considered to be a good thing.

So you can joke about someone being thin, beautiful, rich or clever because they are desirable qualities.

But you can't joke about someone being fat, ugly, poor or stupid because they are clearly qualities that the individual would rather not have.

I'm not saying it's right and I would never comment on someone's appearance, but I think that's why people think it's ok to tell thin people to eat a burger or whatever, because they can't be offended that people think they're thin.

In your case op it sounds as if your family, who you say are lovely, are genuinely concerned for your health and it may be that they would say the same if you were morbidly obese.

Surely you just need to tell them that the gp has checked you out and you are fine and would prefer them not to talk about it again.

@rawlikesushi Funnily enough, we had a, conversation about it a few weeks back, she was, going to look after DD while I went for the blood test, so she was totally aware I was concerned about my weight loss, so it's not new, which I think is why it's hitting home more, because, in all fairness, she wasnt concerned then, so why now?

Yeah, i do understand your thinking into the regards of weight etc, hard one to weigh up and obviously will not change after this post! Hopefully I can see the bigger picture in it now and not get self conscious about myself. One thing that both under and over weight people desire is to be healthy which when people point these out, it's clear we aren't and that is what is in their minds, but it seems mroe socially accepting to only raise your concerns to underweight.

There's song about loving your curves, being the best person you are, overweight people in the limelight and praised. But, underweight people shamed left right and centre and called unhealthy etc which seemily, both are, surely? (don't mean this in any offence either before someone calls me a shamist.)

Just upsetting sometimes.

Sorry, that comment wasn't a dig at you, it was directed at MN. What I meant was that there are many many pile-ons threads on MN about being overweight and some of the comments are vicious but it's rare that anyone tries to rein them in.

You're absolutely right that commenting on anyone's appearance is out of order but I disagree that overweight people don't get the same treatment. Also as pp's have said, comments about thinness are generally borne out of concern (even if misplaced) whereas comments about being overweight seem to come from a place of out and out judgment.

I think people don't believe it as not many people are naturally thin, in fact studies carried out recently claimed to the 'skinny' gene was roughly 1 % of the population. That's not a huge amount so people do assume you are influencing it

@wildthingsinthenight

OP HAS NOT ASKED for our opinions on what she does or doesn't weigh. That is none of our business. She only posted her weight ti luustrate her point. Read the original post of you don't understand .. OP yes I agree it's very rude but seen as acceptable to comment on. Can your DH have a word with your inlaws and ask them to stop constantly mentioning it? Hope you're ok xx

But it IS relevant.

If her BMI were 18-20, she'd be on the smaller side of a healthy weight.

She was already slim, and now she's lost further weight, and says she doesn't have time to eat a third meal in the day.

If a close friend or family member were like that, I'd want to raise concerns. Not saying 'eat a burger', but I'd definitely want to be having a conversation (and did, when my sister dropped a large amount of weight).

OP - I absolutely agree that the public dialogue on weight is messed up in both directions. Nobody should possess the entitlement that someone else's body should look how they'd prefer it to.

My personal experience of this is that I remained in denial about my weight gain because I remain robustly of the opinion that I look great and sexy even at a relatively high weight and it's no one else's business. This made it harder for me to see my stress weight gain as negative from a health perspective until it was way out of control, even when people kindly brought it up with me (I never paid attention to twats).

Try to separate the health angle from the look angle, even if others can't.

Where you are now, you'll have hardly any weight available to lose. If you came down with a case of D&V for example, there's hardly anything to go. This makes your body more vulnerable to infection and illness. Try and forget the judgemental comments, and focus on the health angle.

OP you said in one comment that you had two meals one day (not enough for an adult woman) and then in another comment that you finished off a meal for two.
How much and what are you actually eating?

Do you remember the program “Supersize vs Superskinny”?
The participants would fill out a food diary for a week and then they would be shown the amount of food that they had eaten in a plastic tube. The underweight person would often be told they’d only eaten enough calories for 4 or 5 days so they were missing out on 2 or 3 days worth of calories across a week.
Overweight person would then inevitably say “I only have a small bowl of cereal in the morning” as half a box of cereal was chucked down their plastic tube. They were often told they were eating 10 days of calories in a week.

What you think you are eating might not be the case.

@Goldenbear This skinny gene you talk about, obviously does not affect everyone who is naturally slim. Some have over active thyroids, some just a fast metabolism, some coelic etc..

@StCharlotte Ah, I do apologise then. I've personally not seen any. Again, that is my argument. Why is one a concern and one a dig? Even with best intentions?

@Alloftheboys I often don't eat breakfast, but, never have been an early eater. For lunch, I'll happily eat a nice sandwich (tuna may, ham+cheese etc) a packet of crisps, a side of fruit, a chocolate bar. Ill then often snack away the afternoon, a few packets of crisps, a couple of glasses of milk. Tea and a few biscuits. Then dinner is usually but not always well rounded sausage, mash, veg + gravy, roast, tuna pasta + salad +garlic bread or a ready meal which is more often a 2 person one or a take away of pizza, fish n chips, Indian etc with multiple options then I often snack again after wards and most often have at least 2 glasses of milk on top an eve or a chocolate bar too.

I may not eat 3 meals but, i catch up from breakfast skipping. Since my daughter has been weaning I've occasionally eaten breakfast with her too, so, toast or cereal to role model what it is. It's honestly, not the fsct I'm not eating enough and I'm upset I've even had to come and explain a food diary.

Breastfeeding makes me more hungry, I can't always fit in 3 meals so I add in extra snacks if and when I feel hungry and something quick, I do not feel like im not getting enough calories as such. I just burn it off quick.

Was definitely struggling to fit eating in but now I do at least 2 meals a day which is normal for myself!

If you are EBF it sounds to me that you are simply not eating enough. Your BMI is 16.9 which is far too low. As others have pointed out you need to get your thyroid checked out. Also, have you been checked out for coeliac disease? One of my friends lost a lot of weight after having her baby, but had no other symptoms. It was discovered that she has coeliacs. Another thing to consider is whether you might have any food intolerances.

I have also been the butt of “thin shaming” comments in the past, and it is awful. Are you sure that the recent comments haven’t been made because people are worried about you?

@Notthisagainfgs
I didn’t ask you to give us all a food diary. Just asked you to consider when and what you are eating an if it’s enough calorie wise.
I see it’s the standard of an OP with a problem or question and then getting upset with the replies.
Not going to engage further. I wish you well.

@thecatsthecats Thank you 💐 Yes, I do totally understand its not healthy, and, I know its not right, but, since being told multiple times by a doctor nothing is wrong, I'm just simply a skinny person, it's hard to accept its not? If that makes sense? I was under a specialist consultant my whole, pregnancy due to being so slim and had additional scans to ensure baby was gaining appropriately due to this.

So, honestly, I know its not right but, I have no answers and I've pushed for them and no one can tell me and just say i should count myself lucky which is hard to do some times when, I'm trying to feed my daughter she is uncomfortable because my very predominant hip bones dig into her sides or every single picture I take my collar bones are sticking out so far. Those days, I don't feel lucky, I feel disgusting.

Which I know goes both ways.

Im sorry you have had negative and harsh comments it's not nice to have those and in the same token having back handed comments which aren't necessarily harsh or direct but have more thought behind them isn't either. 💐

Well your metabolic rate is affected by the genes you inherit, so a fast metabolic rate is luck in that sense, if it's fast from exercise and purposeful activity to increase muscle that isn't 'naturally' slim in my mind. I really don't think it is acceptable to comment because as you point out someone may have a medical condition and it is very hurtful but I think people have this idea that it is rare to be 'naturally' slim because it is and they offer unwanted advice.

@Alloftheboys I apologise if my comment came across rude, but, i have had multiple others similar to yours and asking me directly what I eat in a day. I'm not getting defensive or upset. I'm replying to your comments. I'm stating that I eat enough yet plenty on here are stating I mustnt be. Hour comment did ask 'how much and what exactly are you eating?' so?

Can i ask why you all must quotate the words thin shaming like it's something that's fake or not necessarily true?

I have no idea if I'd had these tests done. I went to my GP and said I'm underweight and I'm concerned. His reply, everything came back normal. 😕

@Ginfordinner I understand that 😊 but, i am trying to. Again, this post wasn't a post to get myself help as such and to comment on what I am or not eating. In the nicest way possible before I get comments about being ridiculous or rude to people. I've stated what I eat already.

No, rest assured, they aren't commenting on it because they are concerned (previously, anyone as such not just in laws) and to be honest. When I mentioned the weight loss prior to this, I was just told it was because I was BFing and it was normal. So I'm not sure where its coming from really.

@Goldenbear Yes I guess so! 3/4s of my family are normal build, slender, tall. Other side are definitely, overweight. I do understand your point!

At the end of the day it's very simple. If all medical tests have come back ok, then if you are losing weight it's because you are not eating the calories you need to maintain your weight (same as if you're overweight and gaining you are eating too many calories however normal it feels). If you are underweight and still losing then the people closest to you are going to be concerned.

Regarding commenting, I get that it's not helpful, esp in a throwaway sort of way. But society turning a blind eye to disordered eating /unhealthy weight isnt helpful either. So I dont know what the answer is.

You saw your GP concerned about weight loss and other symptoms so if you were concerned it seems reasonable that those who love you had also noticed and were concerned.

I don’t think people should comment on others weight negatively or even in so called positive manner, it’s usually backhanded.

I’m overweight and people do comment, strangers might look at me with this look of sadness if I happen to be eating something deemed unhealthy.

Also my close family often say things like ‘you don’t need a desert’, exercise more. They care about me and want me to be healthy, I have also tried but mentally I don’t seem to be in the right place.

@Porcupineinwaiting But I feel I do eat enough? If I add in a piece of toast in the morning for breakfast that's only an extra say 200 calories, which some mornings I can't stomach. I know a lot of people who do not eat breakfast and aren't under weight. I make up for it in other ways of the day.