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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother wanting to be left alone with my baby

87 replies

lissyloulou1 · 29/07/2020 06:57

I just had my first baby 10 weeks ago, she is also my mother's first grandchild.

My mum and dad live in Sydney and ambitiously we are trying to get out to visit in February. During our video calls my mother has been making some weird persistent comments about wanting to be left alone in the house with our daughter.

Its hard to explain, but she keeps saying how she wants everyone including my dad to go out often when we visit so she can be left alone at home with DD. Like not even take her our for a walk in her buggy, or spend time with all of us.

I keep getting a weird feeling about it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Spinakker · 29/07/2020 07:01

Yanbu. That's rather demanding and while her intentions might not be bad, the way she's going about it is disregarding any feelings you have. The baby is only 10 weeks old ! It's natural you would not want to leave them with someone else at such a young age. Also the fact she's specifically requesting that rather than concentrating on helping you in whatever way you need is not on. I would put her straight now before she comes that this won't be happening. You need to speak up and be firm so she can fix her expectations. If she asked why just say you want to be near to your baby at this young age.

Original poster
lissyloulou1 · 29/07/2020 07:03

@Spinakker baby will be 9 months by February if that changes your answer 😊

OP posts:
MaybeNew · 29/07/2020 07:04

Tell your Mother firmly that her your baby is not a toy and that her trying to insist on alone time is unhelpful and unsettling for you.

Hohofortherobbers · 29/07/2020 07:15

Leave it unaddressed til nearer the time, you may appreciate the break by then

DomDoesWotHeWants · 29/07/2020 07:21

Make it clear before you go that you are not comfortable with that, then remind her if she asks when you are there.

At 10 weeks I was happy for my mum to have them for a few hours so I got some me times, but we are all different.

ZeldalovesLink · 29/07/2020 07:24

I think it’s quite a common thing for grandparents to want time alone with a grandchild but she is going about this in a weirdly insistent and uncomfortable way.

I would try and shut it down each time by saying quite firmly ‘I don’t know how I’ll feel about that, I’ll have to see at the time’.

It may be that by the time she’s 9 months you will feel happy with the idea and appreciate some time to yourself, but she shouldn’t be pressing you to commit when you aren’t comfortable about it yet.

Pixxie7 · 29/07/2020 07:26

It’s a bit early to decide surely, perhaps she just wants to make some memories after all, how often will she get the chance?

TheCanyon · 29/07/2020 07:28

Presumably with them living in Sydney they won't physically see you dd often? In that context, I don't think it's odd at all, she's excited?!

FortunesFave · 29/07/2020 07:29

It's quite common I agree with pp for grandparents to want to spend time alone with grandchildren but when the child is just a small baby, it's not really appropriate.

My MIL was obsessed with getting DD to herself. That's all it's about. They want to be alone with the baby so they can fully be themselves and not have the actual Mother there interfering.

There's nothing really wrong with it as long as you're comfortable, which you're not.

Just ignore her. Get there in Feb and don't let it happen if you don't want it to.

Josette77 · 29/07/2020 07:30

I don't know why people find this so weird? Your mum wants alone time to bond. I think it's normal. 🤷‍♀️

ukgift2016 · 29/07/2020 07:31

You know what I find strange? How you posted this on mumnet instead of talking to your own damn mother.

merrygoround51 · 29/07/2020 07:32

You may feel differently in February and your mum is probably just excited

Misswaleka · 29/07/2020 07:33

I find it odd when grandparents demand 'alone' time too.
However maybe as she is abroad and hasn't had any time with her grandchild she is maybe anxious to bond. Other people in the picture maybe distracting for the baby and she just wants that one on one time?
I would say atm I can't even think about leaving he/she on their own but maybe we can discuss it nearer the time?
See how you feel when you are getting close to going and decide then.

TheSandgroper · 29/07/2020 07:35

First things first. You have to be allowed into Australia. Then you have to see if you need to spend two weeks of your holiday in hotel quarantine.

Only then do you need to decide how you would like to respond to your mother. Right now, your most inoffensive answer is to refer her to Scott Morrison.

Keeva2017 · 29/07/2020 07:36

Only do it if you feel comfortable. At 9 months your baby still really only wants you and dad so think about who’s needs leaving your baby would meet.

If it’s yours to recharge your batteries that’s fine.
If it’s just your mums needs at yours and babies expense then tell her you’re not ready.

Iv happily left mine for a few hours but it’s been when I’ve been ready and after Iv been confident baby wouldn’t be distressed. Your mum will be a stranger to baby and may not be happily left with her.

Roselilly36 · 29/07/2020 07:38

Congrats on your DD Flowers

I agree with PP, you will probably feel slightly more relaxed when your baby is 9mths.

Your mum probably just wants to bond with her granddaughter and give you a well deserved break. But if you aren’t happy to leave your DD with your mum alone then don’t.

Ki0612 · 29/07/2020 07:39

The baby will be 9 months go out for lunch with your other half. Your mum just wants time to bond. Itd be different if baby was 10 weeks...

ambereeree · 29/07/2020 07:40

Your mum is excited and wants to bond with her granddaughter. I actually think your post is strange

BillywilliamV · 29/07/2020 07:41

Book a night away in a posh hotel while your parents are staying, why not?

SnuggyBuggy · 29/07/2020 07:43

Demanding alone time with other people's babies is weird. Offering to look after them so parents can do something like a meal together is more normal.

tara66 · 29/07/2020 07:44

Yes weird. Have a sharp word with her that it seems odd and makes you very uncomfortable.

Tunnocks34 · 29/07/2020 07:49

It depends how she’s saying it to be honest. If she’s saying

‘When your hear, you and DH could go out for dinner with you dad in day, I’ll stay home with baby and watch her’ then no, not weird.

If she’s saying

‘I want to be left alone with the baby so you can get out of the house whilst I smother her with love’

Then yeah, but weird.

SallyWD · 29/07/2020 07:49

It's weird of her to be so insistent but just wait and see how you feel. I always enjoyed passing my (slightly older) baby over to grandparents so I could have a rest. I found it exhausting to be with the baby 24/7.

Buggedandconfused · 29/07/2020 07:53

My MIL did this too, I didn’t like it one bit. I let her do it once but within an hour my maternal instincts were going nuts so I took DD back.

Your baby won’t know her from Adam as she lives so far away and IMO it’ll be traumatic for him.

Fairybio · 29/07/2020 07:57

It is weird that she's saying this now, and making it clear that it is about her, and not to help you out or give you a break.

Your baby won't know her, and at that age is highly unlikely to be happy to be left with a stranger.

I would make it clear that it's a family visit (and that this is your baby, not hers!)

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